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Furious, but AIBU?

(69 Posts)
GhostsInSnow Mon 11-Nov-13 13:37:09

Bit of background. I don't especially get on with MIL, I see her occasionally but mostly DH visits and I stay away wherever possible.

DD is 16, she's had health problems for the last 4 years which have resulted in her missing a lot of school. These have been backed up via Dr's and specialists and we have letters which prove her health issues, however time off is something we try and avoid unless she's really ill.

DH works some distance away. It's difficult, he leaves home at 7am and doesn't get back until 8pm. This means I get to be the one who the school call, write too and generally complain at. It's not an ideal situation but I thought that 'working together' we managed reasonably ok.

Right, the reason I'm furious.
DD started with a really nasty cough and cold last wednesday. Her throat was sore, she had a temperature and was generally sleepy. Because it was clear she was ill I had no choice but to keep her home from school. I wasn't happy about it because she needs to be there as much as possible but she was clearly ill enough that they would send her home if I sent her in. She spent Wednesday, Thursday and Friday in bed with fluids, paracetamol and rest (no net access etc during what would have been school time).
Saturday night she stayed with MIL. DH was to pick her up Sunday afternoon when MIL text him to say DD still wasn't well, had been up all night coughing and wouldn't be in school today she'd have thought. MIL asked if she should keep DD there overnight and DH could pick her up tonight. As FIL passed away a few months ago DD is company for her so I agreed, providing DD was genuinely still poorly.
DH went down to MIL's, saw DD and agreed she was ill and he'd pick her up tonight. This morning I spoke to the the school, explained she still had this cough/cold and I'd hoped she'd be in tomorrow.

DH just called me in his lunch hour and casually dropped in conversation that DD went to Alton Towers firework display last night. I am furious. We live locally to AT and a relative works there. Apparently DH had said yesterday that she could go. I wasn't consulted and the first I've heard about it is now. Apparently she stayed and watched from the office of the relative but the point is she was seemingly ok to get into the car, drive 5 miles to Towers, walk half a mile in the cold to this office, watch a display then go back to MIL's. I told DH that there was no way in the world I'd have agreed to this (and I think he knows that!) and I should have been consulted. He says 'sorry, next time he'll ask'.

My annoyance is that I have told the school this morning that DD is too ill to attend, there were thousands at AT last night. What if a staff member saw her? A classmate? And of course its me this comes back on because he's 70 miles away and the school contact me not him.

I was so annoyed with him at one point I threatened to write a letter to the school telling them that her Father had given permission to go to the display, I was unaware and that I personally consider today as an unauthorised absence and any further correspondence as to her attendance should be directed to DH. I have calmed down a little now.

He thinks I'm blowing all of this out of proportion, he's said he's sorry and that next time he'll consult me.

So MN, as i intend to show him this thread please be honest. AIBU?

MaxPepsi Mon 11-Nov-13 13:43:11

I don't understand why you had to mention your MIL?

I also think YABU to be furious. I get why you are mad but yes I think you have blown it out of proportion.

Madlizzy Mon 11-Nov-13 13:46:08

Mountain out of a mole hill. Getting through a full day at school is far more difficult than having a few hours out of the house. Let it go.

GhostsInSnow Mon 11-Nov-13 13:47:14

DD was at MIL's. She took DD to the firework display with the consent of DH who didn't bother asking me at all. We are not separated, we are supposedly a team who make decisions together.

As far as I'm concerned if she was well enough to do that last night she was well enough to be in school today.

TigOldBitties Mon 11-Nov-13 13:47:41

YANBU, I would be very annoyed.

You having a good relationship with your DD's school is clearly very important and obviously has to be partially based on trust. What would have happened if she had been seen and it was raised with you today before you knew, if you had then insisted she wasn't there and all along she was. It would have made you look a right bellend, as well as called into question anything you've said in the past or say in the future. You may have had to start providing extra evidence about her absences, you may have been investigated by the school, future necessary absences may have been denied.

I know she's 16 but I would have been annoyed that she wasn't where I thought she was and had agreed her to be.

I'd also think its very convenient he only mentioned it after the event and not before.

Ionlywantitall Mon 11-Nov-13 13:48:18

Given that your poor daughter has been through the mill I wouldn't begrudge her the outing. HOWEVER I think you have a very valid point with none other than your husband as he is the one who went behind your back giving permission to AT.

Is be totally honest with the school and explain that your husband granny and daughter knew about AT, and that the school should discuss it with them.

Maybe granny doesn't realise how strict the schools are these days. ( in Ireland this paranoia is unheard of)

TheCraicDealer Mon 11-Nov-13 13:50:34

YABU. Sounds like your DD has had it pretty tough the last four years. If she had a good time watching the fireworks in a nice warm office, after being ferried to and from there by a car, which presumably has a heater, then I'd let it go. If the school says something based on the tiny probability of someone seeing her on the walk to the office (in the dark) direct any correspondence/fines to your DH.

Is this issue more about the fact you think MIL and DH were in cahoots to let her go?

GhostsInSnow Mon 11-Nov-13 13:57:02

TBH yes, I do think MIL and DH knew full well I wouldn't have agreed to this, though DH will tell me that I'm paranoid. Despite the last 4 years being hard for DD she hasn't fallen short on treats by any measure, she is taken to concerts, the Theatre, all things she loves to do she has done. If anything her issues have meant she's been spoiled with treats.

I do have a good relationship with my point of contact at the school and I've been 100% honest with her from the start of this trying to work together in her GCSE year to make sure she comes through it all with decent grades.

I can just imagine that of those thousands there last night a staff member saw her (not at all unlikely given the popularity of the event locally) and yet I've told them this morning she's really ill in bed still. I feel like a liar to be honest and it doesn't sit well with me at all.

diddl Mon 11-Nov-13 13:58:18

I'm with you OP.

She was well enough to go out-she was well enough for school the next day.

GhostsInSnow Mon 11-Nov-13 14:01:36

I have calmed down somewhat now to be honest, I just couldn't get past the feeling that DH knew I would say if she was well enough to go there then she was well enough to go to school.

I think I'd have probably said "ok, you can go, but you are to come home afterwards and go to school tomorrow"

ImAlpharius Mon 11-Nov-13 14:01:46

YANBU a cough that lays you in bed for three days is not compatible with a half mile walk out in the cold. But I think it is your DH and DD you should be cross with.

GhostsInSnow Mon 11-Nov-13 14:02:52

I won't be sending my snotty letter to the school I add, that was OTT I accept, I will be spending the next week on edge though waiting for a letter or a phone call asking why she was there. sad

LookingThroughTheFog Mon 11-Nov-13 14:04:32

I can see why you're angry, but I think it's misplaced. Your MIL asked her parent if she could go. Her parent said yes.

To my mind, it's the parent who's at fault; not the MIL.

He could have said 'I don't think she's well enough.' He didn't.

All your MIL did was ask if she could have an extra day (and DP said that she was ill, so this wasn't your MIL making it up for her own reasons), and then ask if she could do the outing.

I mean, yes, one could argue that she should have known that if she's ill she shouldn't go, but she's a grandparent, and in my experience, logic often goes out of the window when grandchildren are involved. And at the end of the day, she asked. He could have been the bad guy and said no, but he chose not to do that.

GhostsInSnow Mon 11-Nov-13 14:05:19

ImAlpharius yes, you are right, and I have spoken to DD, however, she thought I was aware of it and was a bit surprised to find out I knew nothing about it.
MIL probably did go on the say so of DH, but I do genuinely believe that they both knew I'd not be impressed and thats why it wasn't mentioned last night.

LookingThroughTheFog Mon 11-Nov-13 14:05:54

Oops, I see now that you are angry with the dad! Sorry - it's just your post started out with not getting on with MIL, so I read it from that angle.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Mon 11-Nov-13 14:06:33

Watching fireworks through the window of a warm office is not nearly as draining as a full day at school.

I can see why you are upset, but I think you have blown it up a bit; understandably as you were not in control and the decision is different to the one you would have made - doesn't mean it was wrong though.

MaxPepsi Mon 11-Nov-13 14:07:11

So you are pissed off because your MIL asked DH, who is also a parent? Who else would she ask when you have admitted you have little to do with each other?

What would have been the outcome if he had asked? He says yes, you say no. A decision needed to be made. He is her parent also, or does he get no say because it's not what you wanted?

I get that you have to have boundaries in place but I still think you are over reacting.

GhostsInSnow Mon 11-Nov-13 14:08:19

Points taken as regards to MIL. It is mostly DH I'm annoyed with. He went down there and saw her, if she genuinely was that ill why on earth did he agree to let her go there? And if she was ok to go then why didn't he insist she went to school today then.

Thumbwitch Mon 11-Nov-13 14:08:38

I get why you're furious, OP - you've been put in a position where it's possible you could be caught out in a lie, but one that you didn't even realise you'd made and you've been unknowingly put in that position by the collusion of your DH and your MIL.

I also understand why you would want to let the school know that it was nothing to do with you - but in all honesty, I'd wait and see if anything came of it before saying anything. No point in getting anyone into trouble unnecessarily.

However - your DH! If he knew that you'd say no, and that's why he didn't bother telling you, then he has some issues. I'd be having stronger words with him about this.

octopusinastringbag Mon 11-Nov-13 14:11:42

I would be less than impressed but as you have said that you and your DH are not separated and so on then presumably you trust him to make decisions about your daughter? Also, at her age, she can make decisions too - some of which you won't agree with it.

GhostsInSnow Mon 11-Nov-13 14:13:00

I'm pissed off because DH should have said 'I'll ask your Mum'. He knows that it's me that has to deal with the school issues, he knows how many thousands of people attend these displays and the likelihood of her being seen was high. He knows that when the attendance letters come they are in my name not his. The one that came earlier this year threatened to take ME to court, not him. I had to spend a week chasing GP's reports and sick notes to deal with that. It's so easy for him to wave his hand and agree to something that could blow back on me massively. I'm guessing he didn't think.

I probably wouldn't have said no, as I said above my response would have been 'yes, you can go, but this means you are well enough for school tomorrow'.

RubyRR Mon 11-Nov-13 14:16:30

I'm surprised your DD felt well enough to go! When you say no net access in school time is she acting as normal in evenings?

GhostsInSnow Mon 11-Nov-13 14:18:53

I guess I'm resentful in a way. He's spent the last 2 years working such a long drive away that everything lands on my lap. Sometimes I feel like a single parent. If I go into her in a morning and she is ill I have nobody to say 'what do you think?'. School meetings are all done on my own, hospital visits, GP visits, physio, the school bullying issues. I feel like I'm juggling it all, unpleasant stuff as well and he's just not here to back me up with that.
I guess the school see me the same way because its always Mrs Juice never Mr and Mrs Juice.

Don't get me wrong, I know there are so many people in the same situation and worse, people with partners serving overseas etc but it gets so frustrating when I'm the one dealing with all this and he just waves his hand to make a decision which could affect me. He's 70 miles away, it will be me in the meeting trying to explain why DD wasn't in.

I'm going off on a tangent now aren't I?

YoureBeingASillyBilly Mon 11-Nov-13 14:22:38

Yabu. Very. And sound like you dont like not being the one in control. Her father made a decision. He is her parent too.

GhostsInSnow Mon 11-Nov-13 14:22:58

She was genuinely ill last week, fast asleep by 7pm so I had no doubt that she wasn't well. By Friday evening she had perked up a bit and her cough wasn't as bad.
She actually went to stay with MIL Friday night as I deemed her well enough. Saturday evening they had a small garden bonfire and a few fireworks (I'd told her that was ok as long as she wrapped up well and kept her mouth covered so she wasn't breathing in smoke). She was fine Saturday night and sent photos of her sat outside (wrapped up) and smiling.
I was doubtful she was as ill Sunday, which is why I was glad when DH went down there because he can generally see through her. He claimed her to be 'really ill', which is why I'm so surprised that despite this he felt she was ok to go to AT!

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