Furious, but AIBU?

[GhostsInSnow]

Bit of background. I don't especially get on with MIL, I see her occasionally but mostly DH visits and I stay away wherever possible.

DD is 16, she's had health problems for the last 4 years which have resulted in her missing a lot of school. These have been backed up via Dr's and specialists and we have letters which prove her health issues, however time off is something we try and avoid unless she's really ill.

DH works some distance away. It's difficult, he leaves home at 7am and doesn't get back until 8pm. This means I get to be the one who the school call, write too and generally complain at. It's not an ideal situation but I thought that 'working together' we managed reasonably ok.

Right, the reason I'm furious.
DD started with a really nasty cough and cold last wednesday. Her throat was sore, she had a temperature and was generally sleepy. Because it was clear she was ill I had no choice but to keep her home from school. I wasn't happy about it because she needs to be there as much as possible but she was clearly ill enough that they would send her home if I sent her in. She spent Wednesday, Thursday and Friday in bed with fluids, paracetamol and rest (no net access etc during what would have been school time).
Saturday night she stayed with MIL. DH was to pick her up Sunday afternoon when MIL text him to say DD still wasn't well, had been up all night coughing and wouldn't be in school today she'd have thought. MIL asked if she should keep DD there overnight and DH could pick her up tonight. As FIL passed away a few months ago DD is company for her so I agreed, providing DD was genuinely still poorly.
DH went down to MIL's, saw DD and agreed she was ill and he'd pick her up tonight. This morning I spoke to the the school, explained she still had this cough/cold and I'd hoped she'd be in tomorrow.

DH just called me in his lunch hour and casually dropped in conversation that DD went to Alton Towers firework display last night. I am furious. We live locally to AT and a relative works there. Apparently DH had said yesterday that she could go. I wasn't consulted and the first I've heard about it is now. Apparently she stayed and watched from the office of the relative but the point is she was seemingly ok to get into the car, drive 5 miles to Towers, walk half a mile in the cold to this office, watch a display then go back to MIL's. I told DH that there was no way in the world I'd have agreed to this (and I think he knows that!) and I should have been consulted. He says 'sorry, next time he'll ask'.

My annoyance is that I have told the school this morning that DD is too ill to attend, there were thousands at AT last night. What if a staff member saw her? A classmate? And of course its me this comes back on because he's 70 miles away and the school contact me not him.

I was so annoyed with him at one point I threatened to write a letter to the school telling them that her Father had given permission to go to the display, I was unaware and that I personally consider today as an unauthorised absence and any further correspondence as to her attendance should be directed to DH. I have calmed down a little now.

He thinks I'm blowing all of this out of proportion, he's said he's sorry and that next time he'll consult me.

So MN, as i intend to show him this thread please be honest. AIBU?

[GhostsInSnow]

YoureBeingASillyBilly probably. But as I've been the one 'in control' without a choice for the last 2 years it's difficult.
Maybe if he 'parented' occasionally other than to offer the nice things I'd be more accepting of not being in control.

[WilsonFrickett]

No, you're not going off on a tangent at all - your post of 14:18 IS the issue I think. You are dealing with a lot of shit, you feel unsupported and potentially his actions have lumped a whole other pile of poo on you.

It's got nothing to do with MILs or fireworks, it's because he's not present.
Can that be changed? It's not just about being 70 miles away, it's a state of mind. I work from home because someone needs to be available for DS stuff (he has mild SN) but my DH is totally involved, even though he doesn't/can't physically attend appointments and such.

[toffeesponge]

The bigger issue for me would be the fact he didn't discuss it with you.

[CoffeeTea103]

Yanbu and you are very sensible. Yes your dd has had it tough for the last few years but this cannot be used in place as something to make up for it. These two shouldn't be linked. You are very sensible in that you are respecting the school guidelines and wanting everyone to follow through. I agree though that it's entirely your DH to blame for this. Your dd might have been trying to get away going to AT but she wouldn't have if her father told her it's wrong.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Your husband and his mother lied to you so they could arrange for your daughter to miss (yet another day of) school.

They knew you would want your daughter home on the Sunday and the whole thing was engineered between them so that your MIL could take your DD to the fireworks.

I think it's extremely unlikely that your daughter wasn't a part of this subterfuge.

She must have known she wasn't sick, and she must have known you wouldn't agree to her missing school for a fireworks display.

I would be fucking furious with all of them.

If your daughter has missed that much school, it is EXTREMELY important for her not to take days off for such stupid reasons.

I think you're underreacting TBH.

You need a long talk with your daughter about how getting herself to school is HER responsibility, and exactly how much she has to lose if she fucks it up because she takes days off for stupid reasons when her attendance is so bad anyway.

And I'd have a long think about how to approach a man who told me lies in order to give his mother a treat at his daughter's expense.

What an utterly shit father and husband.

[GhostsInSnow]

wilson I think you've probably hit it on the head. I do feel completely in over my head some days, it would be great to be able to say "what do you think?" but by the time he's come home, we've eaten, everything I needed to go through has been forgotten and we are in bed by 10pm (he leaves around 6-7 most mornings)

This last few years have been so very difficult, DD's issues stem from physical to social I feel but he so rarely sees the full extent of it I don't think he completely comprehends. Don't get me wrong she's a good kid, and never any trouble but I genuinely think she'd be happier holed up in her room with a book than at school, so when she says she's ill that element of doubt creeps in and its hard to decide if she is ill or if she is just avoiding a situation. Up until May I had my DS at home, he's 21 and was a great help and a big support. He has his own life, job and flat with his GF now and I miss him being the man of the house.

He's been trying to change things, applying for jobs locally etc. Moving there isn't an option because helpfully they keep him on a 2 year contract.

I suppose turning this round I don't discuss anything with him either because I just have to make choices when he isn't here. It's hard on both of us I think.

[GhostsInSnow]

join you know, at the start of every half term its a standing joke to get the 'red letter of attendance'. You know it's coming. Last term was especially hard as she managed to injure herself again (she has hypermobile joints and an arm paralysis due to neurological issues) this meant that not only was she undergoing physio for her arm but for a dislocated knee as well. Thats 2 lots of physio, weekly. Throw in hospital appointments, GP appointments, Dentists appointments (she also has issues with her teeth) (none of which can seemingly be made out of school hours) and it's been chaotic.

To say she simply cannot afford to be sick is an understatement, yet throw in the usual winter vomiting bugs and coughs/colds and you are really pushing the boundaries. So to me to be fit enough to go to AT, or indeed fit enough to be out of bed, you need to be in school.

Ironically despite all of this she's on target for all her GCSE's at good grades (C and above) but it doesn't change the fact that unless she is very very sick she needs to be there.

[diddl]

It does sound as if they colluded together as well.

If you're too ill for school, you're too ill for anything else!

Always bee that way for us & so it is for my kids.

Does he not place much importance on her going to school?

[GhostsInSnow]

Thats the thing that surprises me diddl he does. He knows that we are frantically trying to pull this out now so that she can get the GCSE's she needs to get into the college she wants to go to.

As I said above, I've got a DS as well, 21 and at Uni. He was raised the same way, too ill for school is too ill for anything else. This is nothing new and DH knows it. Thats why I have this niggling in the back of my mind that thinks it wasn't mentioned until after the event for a reason.

[Dancergirl]

OP, I know you've had it tough, but really there are many, many other people whose dh works long hours, myself included.

My dh leaves home at 7.30am and is rarely home before 8pm. He has an hour's commute each way into central London.

And yet I don't feel like a single parent. I can speak to dh on the phone if I want a second opinion about something. Can't you do the same?

Personally I wouldn't have phoned the school saying she's sick without seeing her/speaking to her to see how she is.

Children's illness = treat one day at a time. They can be poorly one day and much improved the next. You shouldn't have agreed for your dd to stay Sunday night, she could have been much better by the morning.

[BitOutOfPractice]

First of all, I hope your DD is feeling better soon, Sounds like she's been through the mill, poor sausage

As for your DH i fail to see why the distance he works away from home has any bearing on the amount he contributes. Do you WOTH? I suspect that is the issue, not the distance away he works. I understand they now have phones that will reach more than a few miles away

And BTW you are not a single parent because your DH works long hours. Not even close. Sorry but that always gets right on my pip

But FWIW I am a SP and my ex contributes far far more to our DCs than yours does. Being together or separated does not give you the right to bunk off taking half of the responsibility

Of course if you want him to step up to the plate more and shoulder some of the responsibility, then you have to accept that will mean that he makes decisions you don't always agree with - like this one! You can't have it both ways!

But I would have been annoyed with the secrecy too - that's the bit that would've pissed me off

[GhostsInSnow]

Dancergirl, I did say I knew I was BU with my comparison, I can try and speak to him on the phone but getting him to answer calls or texts can be a bit of a mission tbh. If I do get through and ask an opinion the answer usually remains the same 'Im here, you are there, I don't know its up to you'.
The impression I was given yesterday afternoon was that DD was as she had been last week, asleep and not at all well. Had I thought there was any chance of her being well enough for school today I'd have insisted she came home. MIL text DH and her words were 'she wont be well enough for school tomorrow'. I took her word for it and the word of DH who had seen her that she was quite ill and wouldn't be well today.

bitoutofpractice again I know I'm BU with the comparison but I do feel totally on my own with everything. I don't work, DD's issues over the last 4 years put the kybosh on that as I was home educating while she wasn't in regular school. I have no siblings,an elderly Mum who I look after and my closest friends have their own set of problems. Some days I can go all day without uttering a word to anyone. I've often joked I think I'd be happy to build a hermitage and go off and live on my own with my CD collection. I know thats something I need to change myself and not DH's fault, but I've fallen into this cycle I think of just doing everything myself and being on my own.

I know we need to sit down and talk properly about this, and about sharing the load a bit more.

[GhostsInSnow]

I suppose ultimately, and this is going to sound bloody stupid. I'm lonely. I need to make the changes.

[OHforDUCKScake]

As far as I can see, its very simple - well enough to go to Alton Towers, well enough to go to school.

No need for the fury.

[Dancergirl]

Sorry OP, I didn't mean to sound harsh.

That's very difficult then if dh won't give his opinion. Do you manage to have a catch up chat with dh in the evenings so he's aware of your dd's issues?

Your MIL may have genuinely thought that your dd wouldn't be well enough for school the next day and it's not a question of not trusting her, it's just her opinion.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

"well enough to go to Alton Towers, well enough to go to school."

The biggest problem you have here, is that your daughter needs to understand that, and she needs to live that.

Even if her idiot grandmother and lazy father thought she should take the day off so she could see some flashing lights in the sky, she should have known that it was a bad idea and asked to come home so she could go to school.

She's 16 now - she needs to start taking responsibility for her own attendance.

Whatever you do with your husband, you need to have a serious chat with your daughter about this.

She wants to go to college. But she's not going to make it unless she starts working hard and making sure she's at school when she's well enough to be there.

Her life is not going to go well if she's going to add malingering to bad health. She's facing enough challenges as it is, without adding doubt about her health problems to the mix.

[Dancergirl]

well enough to go to Alton Towers, well enough to go to school

They were on 2 separate days though, it's difficult to compare. Even if someone hadn't been previously unwell and went to AT on Sunday night, they could still become unwell before Monday morning.

[OHforDUCKScake]

OP is your loneliness having and effect in whether you keep her off or not?

[OHforDUCKScake]

As far as I read, her daughter was off for a few days, went to Alton Towers on one of those nights and had the following day off.

[OHforDUCKScake]

A hang on a diddle, its Monday I see what you mean.

However, by the sounds of it this is the same illness. I totally maintain that if she is well enough to go to AT.....

[GhostsInSnow]

Oh dancer no, no you didn't sound harsh. I know I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself today and the fact that I've seen nobody all day, had a very brief conversation with DH which ended with him putting the phone down on me.
The problem is by the time evening comes and we've eaten all the things I wanted to discuss have been forgotten, or he's in the bath or on the loo or just generally knackered. I need to start writing down the things I want to talk about really.

join she does need to take some responsibility I agree. She's a very immature 16 with her head in the clouds, very introverted, doesn't go out, doesn't really go online a or even use FB much. She's happier to read and hide away from the world I think, which she needs to realise she can't do.

She'll be home about 8 with DH, I suspect she will have made a startling recovery and be fully ready for school tomorrow.

[BitOutOfPractice]

So often these threads turn out yo be nothing to do with the actual immediate issue don't they?

Your DH needs to understand that tho does not mean he is excused all responsibility apart from when he chooses.

You need to have a look at what you can do to ease your loneliness. Volunteering? Further education? Joining a club?

I think a lot of parents ( mothers in particular) become spectacularly bad at asking for help. Admitting we feel overwhelmed. I know I have. Until I finally reach breaking point and my xH says "why didn't you ask me? I would've done that?"

I'm a SP and I work from home so I know what yay mean about not sparking to anyone. It can be lonely. But only one person can change that - and you know who that is don't you?

Talk to your DH. Tell him how you feel. I bet he has no idea because he thinks it's about a blummin firework display!! Then start from there

[GhostsInSnow]

ducks no, I enjoy the solitude for the most part. I've always been a bit of a loner. Every now and then I have a down day (like today) where I'd like some company but for the most part I do like being on my own.

This is the same illness. I'm in no doubt that wednesday, thursday and Friday morning she was ill. She was in bed and asleep by 7pm and running a temperature, coughing, spluttering. By Friday night her temp was normal and the cough had abated. She was a bit snotty but nothing major. She spent Saturday night with MIL and was quite well. Yesterday I was told she was ill again, coughing and awake all night. Same thing come back. In which case I was expecting her to be in bed by 7 again and quite ill, not at AT until 10pm.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I suppose ultimately, and this is going to sound bloody stupid. I'm lonely. I need to make the changes.

OP this really says it all to me.

[GhostsInSnow]

bitoutofpractice part of what frustrates me so much is that I went back into further education late in life, I gained my Degree. I started job hunting in the September as DD's problems really struck in the October. I gave up the career I was going to have to be with her, help her and educate her as best I could here while she wasn't at school full time. Don't get me wrong I don't blame DD and I wouldn't do anything differently but I can't help but wonder some days where I'd be now if things had worked out differently.

Things are improving, she's back in full time school but it can be a bit hit and miss with appointments most weeks so finding an employer who'd let me drop everything for appointments or when she dislocates something again isn't practical at present. I do a little occasional work in a local school which I look forward to, should get some hours in the next few weeks which always improves my mood a bit.

I think if anything the bloody fireworks have made me realise only I can make the changes.