Furious, but AIBU?

[GhostsInSnow]

Bit of background. I don't especially get on with MIL, I see her occasionally but mostly DH visits and I stay away wherever possible.

DD is 16, she's had health problems for the last 4 years which have resulted in her missing a lot of school. These have been backed up via Dr's and specialists and we have letters which prove her health issues, however time off is something we try and avoid unless she's really ill.

DH works some distance away. It's difficult, he leaves home at 7am and doesn't get back until 8pm. This means I get to be the one who the school call, write too and generally complain at. It's not an ideal situation but I thought that 'working together' we managed reasonably ok.

Right, the reason I'm furious.
DD started with a really nasty cough and cold last wednesday. Her throat was sore, she had a temperature and was generally sleepy. Because it was clear she was ill I had no choice but to keep her home from school. I wasn't happy about it because she needs to be there as much as possible but she was clearly ill enough that they would send her home if I sent her in. She spent Wednesday, Thursday and Friday in bed with fluids, paracetamol and rest (no net access etc during what would have been school time).
Saturday night she stayed with MIL. DH was to pick her up Sunday afternoon when MIL text him to say DD still wasn't well, had been up all night coughing and wouldn't be in school today she'd have thought. MIL asked if she should keep DD there overnight and DH could pick her up tonight. As FIL passed away a few months ago DD is company for her so I agreed, providing DD was genuinely still poorly.
DH went down to MIL's, saw DD and agreed she was ill and he'd pick her up tonight. This morning I spoke to the the school, explained she still had this cough/cold and I'd hoped she'd be in tomorrow.

DH just called me in his lunch hour and casually dropped in conversation that DD went to Alton Towers firework display last night. I am furious. We live locally to AT and a relative works there. Apparently DH had said yesterday that she could go. I wasn't consulted and the first I've heard about it is now. Apparently she stayed and watched from the office of the relative but the point is she was seemingly ok to get into the car, drive 5 miles to Towers, walk half a mile in the cold to this office, watch a display then go back to MIL's. I told DH that there was no way in the world I'd have agreed to this (and I think he knows that!) and I should have been consulted. He says 'sorry, next time he'll ask'.

My annoyance is that I have told the school this morning that DD is too ill to attend, there were thousands at AT last night. What if a staff member saw her? A classmate? And of course its me this comes back on because he's 70 miles away and the school contact me not him.

I was so annoyed with him at one point I threatened to write a letter to the school telling them that her Father had given permission to go to the display, I was unaware and that I personally consider today as an unauthorised absence and any further correspondence as to her attendance should be directed to DH. I have calmed down a little now.

He thinks I'm blowing all of this out of proportion, he's said he's sorry and that next time he'll consult me.

So MN, as i intend to show him this thread please be honest. AIBU?

[ballstoit]

There seems to be a cycle though...

• you refer to 'my DS', is he not your husband's ds too?

• you say all correspondence from school is addressed solely to you, which I find odd as all letters from my DC school are addressed to 'the parent/s of DC'. If they are addressed solely to you, why haven't you requested them to be sent to both of you?

• you say you're not happy to make decisions, you'd like your h to be involved, but when he makes a decision (which I personally disagree with, but feel he has the right to make), you feel he has no right to have not consulted you

I feel for both of you...I think your feelings of sadness, anger (at the condition itself not your dd) and loneliness have made you resentful of what you perceive as dhs freedom, and that your h has death with this by checking out of family life. Perhaps your dh feels he is only useful as a provider, and feels shut out?

Try to take some time for you, and plan ways that you can see friends, make use of your skills (perhaps through volunteering) and feel like yourself as well as dd's mum. And if you want to salvage your relationship with h, perhaps the first move is prioritising him too, both as your husband and as your dds father.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

"if it came to choosing a side I know DH wouldn't pick mine."

Then why continue to stay on his?

He doesn't sound like a very satisfactory husband.

[GhostsInSnow]

I know join you are right, but at present it seems to be a me vs them and I feel like I'm the lone one up against the lot of them and if it came to choosing a side I know DH wouldn't pick mine.
I crapped out today, I know. I chose to not rock that particular boat. Wrong decision entirely.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

"If I'd have gone down and done that then she would have been on at DH about how 'irrational' I am again and DH won't fight my corner."

But so what?

I'm not defending him at all, he really sounds like a lame husband.

But what does it matter if his horrible mother is saying bad things about you to him?

She does it anyway, so she might as well do it about this as anything else.

And if he moans to you about her moaning, you just tell him to button it because you aren't interested in listening to him being a mommy's boy because it's very unbecoming in a grown man.

[JRmumma]

Oh ok Juice, if you weren't consulted at all then i guess its all on your DH. He obviously never told you as you knew you would think she was doing it knowing she was getting one over on you, and in your defence it sounds likely there might have been an element of that.

[GhostsInSnow]

elskovs.
If you read the thread you'll see that no, she isn't an only child and that she had the temp for the Wednesday, Thursday AND Friday which I kept her off school. I.E the only days she had off were the ones with the temperature...
Nobody is 'fannying around' her, she was in bed, with fluids and paracetamol and left to it.

I was told that she had a temp yesterday and was ill by MIL and I only had her word for that. Stupidly now it seems I took the word of what I thought was a reasonably sensible 65 year old woman who's raised 2 kids of her own and a DH who I thought had more sense.

[GhostsInSnow]

JoinYourPlayfellows MIL is always in DH's ear, the main reason we barely speak is because I discovered DH had been down there discussing any arguments we'd had and MIL took it upon herself to say she'd noticed I was 'stroppy'. I pointed out to MIL that it took 2 to argue, she was getting one rather biased side and perhaps she shouldn't involve herself. From that day on she stopped calling our house, preferring to text DH to check he's home before she calls.

If I'd have gone down and done that then she would have been on at DH about how 'irrational' I am again and DH won't fight my corner. There is a lot of history there and sadly I'm married to a man who's order of priority seemingly flows from his Mother to his Sister with me falling third.

[elskovs]

I think YA ALL BU to keep her off for a cold.

The only days she should've had off were the days when she had a temp.

FFS, she is 16 - my 6 year old goes in with a cold!

Is she your only child by any chance?

Bloody hell I had a job and a flat by 16, not 3 adults fannying round me when I had a cold!

[GhostsInSnow]

JRmumma oh she won't call me, she hasn't spoken to me properly for many months, I did try and build a few bridges and visited with DH last week but tbh I felt about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. She texts DH if she wants anything, and it was DH she text to say she was ill.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Also, why do you think that going to get your daughter from your MIL's when she was meant to be at school would give her any ammunition at all?

YOU are her mother. She was MEANT to be at school.

It had been proven without a doubt that she was not sick.

So going down there and sorting that out would have been entirely within your rights.

Why would you even care if that silly woman had a problem with it?

She clearly doesn't have your daughter's best interests at heart at all.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

"that was the point DH told me I was being very OTT and put the phone down on me."



I think you have a bigger problem with this man than that he is far away and unavoidably uninvolved.

It would not have been at all OTT to have gone to get your daughter today.

She needs to learn how much it matters that she actually shows up when she can and does the work when she's able.

Going to Alton Towers last night was a total pisstake, and it's clear that your husband was fully supportive of that.

I would be beyond furious with him for being such an incredibly irresponsible and shit dad.

[JRmumma]

FWIW i understand why you are also pissed off at MIL. If she called you to tell you she wasn't well and could she stay over again and not go to school, why couldn't she mention the fireworks to you instead of waiting to ask your DH? This would wind me up no end. IMO she lied by omission to you and there must have been an agreement to keep it from you or else he would have mentioned it when he got home last night.

[GhostsInSnow]

Join I did consider this, that was the point DH told me I was being very OTT and put the phone down on me. My relationship with MIL isn't the best and charging down there to drag DD into school would only have give her a little more ammunition to fire my way I suspect.
That aside, by the time I'd picked her up, got her uniform on and got her to school it would have been 2.15 easily and her school finishes at 3. It would have made a point I agree, but frankly at this stage I think it would have caused more issues.

[GhostsInSnow]

Ducks she initially injured her arm which led to a brachial plexus palsy (in layman's terms a paralysis of the entire arm). She recovered after lengthy physio and then broke her knee resulting in more time off school. The arm problems reoccurred (we were quietly warned they might) and at present they think it might be a problem with how her brain communicates with that nerve as nerve studies have shown issues there.

In the middle of this she was diagnosed with hypermobility, they initially thought the arm injury was due to a dislocation trapping a nerve. She dislocates easily, mostly its not an issue but occasionally things don't pop back in right or causes ligament damage.

She has extensive muscle wastage in her legs and back because she isn't moving as she should and the physio is trying to rebuild her a bit. It's been explained to her that being super fit will go some way toward helping the hypermobility though at present they are not sure of the prognosis with the palsy.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Really you should have gone to get her to bring her to school as soon as you realised they were all lying to you about her still being sick.

[GhostsInSnow]

ducks precisely. And had I known she was at AT last night believe me I'd have picked her up at 7am, brought her home to get ready and she'd have been in school.

DH chose to tell me about ten minutes before I posted this thread.

[OHforDUCKScake]

Do you mind me asking what her long term illness is?

[OHforDUCKScake]

So if she was at AT last night, why wasnt she at school today?

This is just how I work things, if my son has been off school ill and he starts giving me ear ache about knocking for his friends then I know for certain he is well enough for school. I dont let him knock for his friends though, until hes back at school, though he does go on .

[GhostsInSnow]

bitoutofpractice part of what frustrates me so much is that I went back into further education late in life, I gained my Degree. I started job hunting in the September as DD's problems really struck in the October. I gave up the career I was going to have to be with her, help her and educate her as best I could here while she wasn't at school full time. Don't get me wrong I don't blame DD and I wouldn't do anything differently but I can't help but wonder some days where I'd be now if things had worked out differently.

Things are improving, she's back in full time school but it can be a bit hit and miss with appointments most weeks so finding an employer who'd let me drop everything for appointments or when she dislocates something again isn't practical at present. I do a little occasional work in a local school which I look forward to, should get some hours in the next few weeks which always improves my mood a bit.

I think if anything the bloody fireworks have made me realise only I can make the changes.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I suppose ultimately, and this is going to sound bloody stupid. I'm lonely. I need to make the changes.

OP this really says it all to me.

[GhostsInSnow]

ducks no, I enjoy the solitude for the most part. I've always been a bit of a loner. Every now and then I have a down day (like today) where I'd like some company but for the most part I do like being on my own.

This is the same illness. I'm in no doubt that wednesday, thursday and Friday morning she was ill. She was in bed and asleep by 7pm and running a temperature, coughing, spluttering. By Friday night her temp was normal and the cough had abated. She was a bit snotty but nothing major. She spent Saturday night with MIL and was quite well. Yesterday I was told she was ill again, coughing and awake all night. Same thing come back. In which case I was expecting her to be in bed by 7 again and quite ill, not at AT until 10pm.

[BitOutOfPractice]

So often these threads turn out yo be nothing to do with the actual immediate issue don't they?

Your DH needs to understand that tho does not mean he is excused all responsibility apart from when he chooses.

You need to have a look at what you can do to ease your loneliness. Volunteering? Further education? Joining a club?

I think a lot of parents ( mothers in particular) become spectacularly bad at asking for help. Admitting we feel overwhelmed. I know I have. Until I finally reach breaking point and my xH says "why didn't you ask me? I would've done that?"

I'm a SP and I work from home so I know what yay mean about not sparking to anyone. It can be lonely. But only one person can change that - and you know who that is don't you?

Talk to your DH. Tell him how you feel. I bet he has no idea because he thinks it's about a blummin firework display!! Then start from there

[GhostsInSnow]

Oh dancer no, no you didn't sound harsh. I know I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself today and the fact that I've seen nobody all day, had a very brief conversation with DH which ended with him putting the phone down on me.
The problem is by the time evening comes and we've eaten all the things I wanted to discuss have been forgotten, or he's in the bath or on the loo or just generally knackered. I need to start writing down the things I want to talk about really.

join she does need to take some responsibility I agree. She's a very immature 16 with her head in the clouds, very introverted, doesn't go out, doesn't really go online a or even use FB much. She's happier to read and hide away from the world I think, which she needs to realise she can't do.

She'll be home about 8 with DH, I suspect she will have made a startling recovery and be fully ready for school tomorrow.

[OHforDUCKScake]

A hang on a diddle, its Monday I see what you mean.

However, by the sounds of it this is the same illness. I totally maintain that if she is well enough to go to AT.....

[OHforDUCKScake]

As far as I read, her daughter was off for a few days, went to Alton Towers on one of those nights and had the following day off.