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want to shoot myself now (wedding related)

(70 Posts)
cantreachmytoes Tue 29-Oct-13 21:59:18

I can't believe I'm starting this thread, because I can't believe it's going to really be happening. My BIL is marrying his partner. She got a civil partnership with him 10 years ago, after he proposed, because she doesn't believe in marriage. They have two children.

She didn't come to our wedding at the last minute because her 6 month old had reflux (DH's sis gave birth a month before our wedding and made the effort - which I thanked her for again after I'd had my first!!), insisted her son be a page boy, refused to dress him in what the other boy was wearing (I was paying and it was a grey suit), sent him in a Mickey Mouse tie and got given the top layer of our wedding cake (ok, not her fault, but we were planning on saving it and she didn't deserve it!).

Now, sort-of SIL has form for being a witch manipulative cow ..umm, not very nice in general, but to me in particular and when people aren't around to witness. DH is totally on board, can't stand her, knows what she's like and is the only person in the family who will stand up to her, but can't do it as often as he'd like, because his family think he's making trouble (even though they agree with the reason!). Her kids are the most important in the family, the most musical, cleverest, most difficult to deal with (thereby making her a "super mum" - her words - for dealing with them - she was going to write a book about dealing with difficult children, detailing all her troubles - riveting reading, I'm sure!).

They are French (DH is French) and the civil partnership in France is nearly the same as a civil wedding, with inheritance being the main difference and tax an issue too, but not huge.

So, WHAT IS THE POINT IN GETTING MARRIED (BIL hasn't come into money and isn't about to die)?! The only thing that makes sense to us is that it's about attention. I had my "big day" (I didn't actually view it like that), our SIL had hers and now, at age 43, or thereabouts, she wants hers. If it was just about their relationship, there's no need to do a big white wedding. As every family event ends up being about her anyway, this is going to be utter hell. And it's already started..theirs is going to be the "biggest wedding".

I would laugh, if I didn't have to be involved, hear about it and could get out of going.

DHs family are too scared of confrontation to stand up to her, so this will get messy.

I'd love to say that I'm happy for them, and I am happy for BIL, because it's what he wanted, but I'm already stressed. I'm going to have to play happy families and pretend I'm super happy for them (her) and that this is some magical event, rather than what we all know it is and nobody will say to her or BIL. We don't even live in the same country, but bloody Skype "brings us all closer"!

It's kind of like The Emperor's New Clothes: everybody knows what it's about and everyone pretends not to. If they'd just said they'd never had a big party and wanted to have all their friends and family there, I'd be a lot more positive.

Give me strength, mumsnetters, please! And if you know who I am in real life, email me (or send me a bottle of something strong). The wedding's in August, so I'm going to need some help in the next months!

friday16 Tue 29-Oct-13 22:46:00

She got a civil partnership with him 10 years ago

Huh? What?

friday16 Tue 29-Oct-13 22:47:51

Ah, I see, a French civil partnership. Got it.

Tuppenceinred Tue 29-Oct-13 22:50:40

Friday -
What a good idea.
Just go to the wedding as a guest Op, and steer clear of everything beforehand. I think you need to develop a thicker skin re her being "best" of everything - so what?

LifeofPo Tue 29-Oct-13 22:51:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mistlethrush Tue 29-Oct-13 22:54:23

How much are you going to need to be 'involved'? Can you take a very back seat (thinking different country, not simply back of the bus) - I hope that she's so stuck up that she doesn't want your children 'spoiling' things? If she does want them involved is there any chance you can excuse them for any reason (they won't sit still, I'm sure they'll spoil it for you and that's the last thing I would want... )...?

Merel Tue 29-Oct-13 22:55:09

So she changed her mind on the marriage thing, and your BIL is getting his wish, and they will both have a big party. I don't really know what the problem is. Don't go if you hate her/each other that much.

HissyFucker Tue 29-Oct-13 22:55:50

Newsflash: You don't actually have to go!

Send a gift and voilà!

justmakingdo Tue 29-Oct-13 22:58:22

Don't go.


MusicalEndorphins Tue 29-Oct-13 23:03:20

Perhaps she has changed her mind on her view of marriage, for whatever reason? Maybe brainwashed by watching bridal shows?
Anyways, who cares? She isn't an enemy or anything from what you posted so far, but is part of your extended family....I'd just go and have a good time.

gobbynorthernbird Tue 29-Oct-13 23:24:17

Your BIL wanted to get married years ago, maybe her compromise wasn't enough for him. He could've spent the last 10 years nagging her for all you know.

Thumbfuckerwitch Tue 29-Oct-13 23:28:48

Maybe the inheritance thing is playing on her mind now everyone's that bit older?

Anyway - you don't HAVE to go. Obviously you should to keep general family harmony, but you don't HAVE to. And if you do go, just go as a guest, stay out of any planning, any other family gatherings that you can avoid, stay elsewhere from the rest etc. etc. If your DH doesn't like her either then that will be easier. Hopefully she'll be too busy organising to spend any time being nasty to you - but avoid being in her company as much as you can. smile

Bogeyface Tue 29-Oct-13 23:31:36

I think that what a lot of posters dont understand is that when you have a relative like this, that makes everything about them, that demands full attention from everyone all the time, that is nasty in a Pass Agg way that you cant pull them up on without looking ott or sensitive, that manipulates and annoys, when they announce something like this you do end up thinking "Oh we go again"

I have several relatives like this, you can imagine the carnage at any do where they are all together. They are the reason that my cousin married abroad as not inviting them wasnt an option and she didnt want her day ruined in the way that so many others had been.

OP, can you book a holiday now and then claim that you had booked it before they announced their wedding date?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 29-Oct-13 23:37:26

Well you probably had a suspicion this was going to happen if she has a penchant for big scenes so if you care about BIL go for his sake not hers. And wear a white dress.

UnicornsNotRiddenByGrownUps Tue 29-Oct-13 23:40:16

It's simple either 1. Book a holiday away or 2. Get pregnant ... That should just about get you out if it wink

cocoleBOO Tue 29-Oct-13 23:45:36

Stop telling her not to go! Whats wrong with you lot. Think of all the great Bridezilla threads cantreachmytoes can start <empathy bypass>

Have you written about her before? Something rings a bell hmm.

nennypops Tue 29-Oct-13 23:54:17

She didn't come to our wedding at the last minute because her 6 month old had reflux (DH's sis gave birth a month before our wedding and made the effort - which I thanked her for again after I'd had my first!!)

This bit caught my attention. If you are holding this against SIL, YABU. Friend of mine has a baby with reflux and is on her knees with utter exhaustion. If you asked her to go to a wedding she would probably hit you.

Bogeyface Wed 30-Oct-13 00:02:14

Nenny has a good point. Reflux isnt just a sicky baby and a PFB mum, it is hell on toast with added demons. Thankfully I have not had to deal with it but I have seen a good friend turned in a raving nutcase thanks to reflux. At one point she couldnt do anything but care for the baby, shopping, cleaning, washing, dressing were all optional extras. Dont hold that against her.

NorthernLurker Wed 30-Oct-13 00:42:50

Never mind don't go - you may not be invited!

FortyDoorsToNowhere Wed 30-Oct-13 00:46:49

FortyDoorsToNowhere Wed 30-Oct-13 00:47:27

Sorry wrong thread

NeverBetter Wed 30-Oct-13 00:55:36

Forty, I think you've solved op's outfit for the wedding wink.

I hear us op. my SIL is very similar to yours, everything is about her, she's competitive in the extreme, very rude and unkind to me. I started a thread about her recently because my hatred for her is taking over my life.

I've no advice really because I don't know how to cure myself of the evil SIL except to cut her out of my life completely but I'm guessing that's not an option for you.

I see threads all the time about these kind if people - you'd think their personality type would be rare but seems not.

Bogeyface Wed 30-Oct-13 01:03:01

Forty wrong, but fits!

treadheavily Wed 30-Oct-13 08:00:20

Her wedding is just for the attention but yours wasn't? That is very very bitchy. No wonder you don't get on.

TiredDog Wed 30-Oct-13 08:11:28

grin forty

You hate her. We get it.

Don't go. Or go and drink her wine and food and be true to your feelings (rude). All those options will make you feel better

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