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To expect SAHD DH to do more now that both dc are in school

(105 Posts)
lecce Sun 15-Sep-13 08:13:12

I am just wondering what is UR here and want to see what others think and do.

There are two dc, 6 & 4, both now in f/t school. Dh has always done the laundry, cooked pretty much all meals (from scratch), done nearly all dog walking, changed our bed (but not dc's), done other general cleaning and gardening. He also does DIY when needed and takes care of financial stuff and anything to do with the car, though I am its main driver.

I get up at 5am to be in work for 6.30, 2 hours before school starts, and am usually home by 5-5.30, except for meeting nights etc. Sun- Thurs I usually do 1-2 hours' work after the dc are in bed. I put the dc to bed (though dh does ds2's story) and do the dog's final walk. I sweep the sitting room floor after the dc are in bed. At weekends I tidy and clean the dc's bedrooms and do the bathrooms - dh sometimes does these but tends to do stuff like mopping the floor without sweeping properly first, so it looks really crummy.

I am now starting to resent having to do anything other than childcare, tbh. There are lots of things that, although dh does them, he doesn't do thoroughly and the house just looks a bit mucky - though all essential stuff is done.

In case I am later accused of drip-feeding, Dh has MS but he is fine atm. If unwell, none of this would apply, obviously. He also does some online marking of exams at home, but only at certain times of year. I expect to do more when he is doing this, of course.

WIBU to speak to him about this?

lecce Sun 15-Sep-13 09:08:52

I thought I was probably BU smile.

No chance of a better paid job atm - I am a teacher and have been for8 years and have money for extra-responsibilty. Even with Gove and his policies, there is no way I would walk into a job earning more than I do now in another sector. I do hope to be looking at promoted positions in a couple of years, but atm there is no way we could afford a cleaner. We are trying to tighten our belts.

I agree with the last poster - we do not have high standards and the house seems, I don't know, rough around the edges. I know it must be annoying for dh if I redo stuff, so I don't do that - just have a quiet seeth.

I didn't mean to down-play the MS, but I trust him to stay in his limits. If he says he's been tired, then I don't question any lack of house-work. But if he goes round a friend's house unti 1am, then I wonder why he couldn't, I don't know, mop the floor properly.

Yes, I know how this would sound if it was a man complaining about a woman. What can I say? I do a lot. Sometimes it feels as if I just work all the time. Dh has far more free-time than me. I would never try and even it out - it's just the nature of my job and having small children. I would just like him to take a little more care over things he does.

marriedinwhiteisback Sun 15-Sep-13 09:09:05

I too think he does a lot. When I was a SAHM I did everything because it was my job to but DH accepted that two young DC were demanding so I had a cleaner who swept, hoovered, dusted and cleaned the bathrooms,etc. I by the way rarely sweep, that's DH's little early morning habit. I don't feel it needs it every day and see no need to point out that if he leaves the little pile of dust by the back door rather than dust panning and brushing it, it will just get reincorporated into the floor smile

Hasn't anyone ever had coffee at another SAHM's looked round and wondered what their DH thinks ?

Give him a break and get a cleaner OP; sounds like a diamond to me.

marriedinwhiteisback Sun 15-Sep-13 09:19:31

That sounds tough OP and I'd have worded my post differently with more info. But two buts. When you're at home all day sometimes it's so lonely and so mundane that you actually need a coffee talking to another grown up who understands the boredom and petty frustrations.

Second but - my MIL was a teacher and married to a man (he wd be 85 now so generational but still marked) who thought the home was women's work and didn't even make a cup of tea. She said she did nothing in term time, sometimes not even hoovering but she gave everything a blast in the holidays. Can you save up a deep clean for the hols and do it as a work out with your music, etc having sent them out for the day.

Final though - on the sweeping front I had a Bex Bissell (think it was callled) when mine were little - sort of mechanical push along broom with removable head that sweeps up the dust into the box as you push. Cd something like that ease the burden a bit?

PartyOrganisor Sun 15-Sep-13 09:21:05

YABU to complain about the amount of HW he is doing.

and YABU to complain about how the HW is done. Everybody has a different idea of how to do things and his ideas might not yours. I think it is OK to explain you think it's more efficient to do it x way.

Is the issue that you see your DH able to have some 'down time' with friends until 1.00am but you can't because you then need to do some HW at the weekend, the only time when you could get some?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 15-Sep-13 09:24:11


Initially it did sound like he does a lot - but quite a lot of that isn't actually time consuming on a daily/weekly basis & I think YOU would take it into consideration (ie stuff to do with the car/diy/garden).

So when you boil it down, yes, he could do more of the day to day stuff - you shouldn't have to do so much of it when the DC are both at school. Male or female SAHP.

You are working really long hours - you should not have to spend your weekends cleaning the bathrooms, kitchen, kids beds/bedrooms etc

What else does he do all day/when you are doing those things?

(MS aside as I trust your judgement - and his ability to say something - when that is something that needs taking into consideration).

PartyOrganisor Sun 15-Sep-13 09:25:58

ie when the dcs weren't at school, you think he was working hard but now they are at school, he has plenty of free time for himself?

For the record, when the dcs are at school, you actually have very little free time. By the time, you've gone back home, done one or two errants, it's usually time to go and pick them up. It looks like a long day when you're the teacher (because it is and you start earlier and finish later) but on the other side of it, I know I have only about 4 hours without them, not the 8 or 9 hours you spend in the school each day.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 15-Sep-13 09:26:33

"We are super excited because at present we have ONE really tidy room! Today we are going to try making that TWO!"

Jesus, steady on, Lila. grin

Sunday is a day of rest from cleaning. smile

lecce - I think the reversers are talking a load of shite. I've seen women who expect their working DH's to lift a finger at home handed their arses on here for being lazy, even when they have babies and toddlers to look after.

If he is staying out until 1am with friends, then it isn't fatigue stopping him from keeping the house clean.

I think that now that all your children are at school it makes sense to revisit the domestic arrangements and what is expected of everyone. There is nothing wrong with having that conversation.

MsVestibule Sun 15-Sep-13 09:27:11

I'm in exactly the same situation as your DH, with DCs the same age, but without the health issues. TBH, he does a lot more than more than me! Cleaning really is not my forte - I find it difficult to motivate myself to clean but occasionally blitz a room. I suppose the difference is that my DH gas fairly low standards too.

However, my DH values my contribution to our marriage and accepts that he hasn't married a particularly good housekeeper. In turn, I accept his faults. I'm a bit baffled by the poster who said you'd have to be a saint to not resent him being a SAHP. Why?

married I'm laughing at your DH going to the effort of sweeping up every morning, then leaving it in a pile at the door rather than putting it in the bin grin.

Finola1step Sun 15-Sep-13 09:28:17

Ah, now the difference in free time is an issue. I am also a teacher and with our pay freeze and performance related pay coming in, it is really hard to move, earn extra money etc. But cleaner, no cleaner, sweeping floors or not, you should have equal free time from the house, job and children. Non negotiable.

Nanny0gg Sun 15-Sep-13 09:30:06

Would a cleaner for one morning a week really break the bank?

That would deal with either bathroom and kitchen or bathroom and DC's rooms (assuming they're tidy).

Give it a thought.

dozily Sun 15-Sep-13 09:30:50

I think he does quite a lot already, and he deserves a break too. Could you suggest more of a 50:50 split at the weekend- eg you do half the cooking to give him a break and he does one of the bathrooms while you do the other? Might give both of you a break and make you feel more of a team. Also you could alternate bathrooms so that each one is cleaned to your own standards once a fortnight smile

SprinkleLiberally Sun 15-Sep-13 09:40:57

The OP is working 12 to 13 hours a day. Her DH has the children on his own for about 3 to 4. So I don't think sheshould be doing much. Especially if she is doing bedtime etc. 1 and a half hours a day would keep on tpp of the house and still leave him free time. OP has almost no free time. In holidays she can do more. YANBU.

magicturnip Sun 15-Sep-13 09:55:11

This is interesting . A while ago there was a post from a sahm women whose DH was moaning that she never got all the housework done (kids at school). DH was roundly condemned as a dick!

I think yabu. You get social interaction from work, dh does not. He is entitled to some time to himself/ meeting other people during the day rather than endless cleaning.
He may also not want to do too much in case it makes him tired, rather than just refusing because he is already tired. Prevention rather than cure.

CailinDana Sun 15-Sep-13 10:00:08

Is he trying to do a good job or just slacking? My dh would do less than that as a sahp but I know whatever he did do would be his best. Also he is totally open to me telling him the "right" way to clean things. We also had the mopping without sweeping thing and when I pointed it out he was actually very pleased as he couldn't figure out why it always looked dirty. But then his job is researching the best way to do things so I just appeal to his academic side and it works.

SeaSickSal Sun 15-Sep-13 10:02:42

Sorry YABU. I'm looking at this thread and thinking if this was a thread from a SAHM who's partner was saying that they refused to help out at home at all, because despite the fact they did of the housework and looked after the kids it wasn't up to their standards AND they had MS to boot then people would be yelling LTB.

plantsitter Sun 15-Sep-13 10:06:09

I think yabu too. What exactly would you ask him to do?write it down so you know it is specific things and not just vague criticism of the way he does things.

Being criticised by a spouse as if they were your manager is really, really, annoying, rightly or wrongly.

I realise you work hard but you get to do that while not having to worry about being back at any particular time to pick the kids up, knowing you won't have to take time off when they're ill or for school meetings or what have you, and come in to a home cooked meal every night and a reasonably clean house. You would not be able to be so successful and keep your whole wage without your DH. And I would say exactly the same to a man in your position.

choccychoccylover Sun 15-Sep-13 10:17:46

for goodness sake loosen up a bit, a few crumbs never hurt anyone,but then as long as my house is tidy I turn a blind eye to a lot

neunundneunzigluftballons Sun 15-Sep-13 10:19:20

Sounds like he does a lot to me. I grew up in a home where my Mum was a stay at home mum and a workaholic and Dad worked outside the home. My mum kept the house gleaming but she never repaired a thing or did any out door chores. Every weekend my dad had a list of outdoor chores to do. There is no getting away from it without outside help running a spick and span outfit demands input from everyone in the household including the kids. You could always lower you standards as we with 2 full time workers have done. :-).

campion Sun 15-Sep-13 10:22:30

Men don't notice dirt, untidiness, mess in the way that women do.You can try to improve things but they don't really see the point.

Not saying it should be that way but I guess your dh has reached his limits.He needs a job.

QuintessentialShadows Sun 15-Sep-13 10:23:00

Is he doing more now that both kids are in school, or does he have the full school day free?

If so, ask him what he thinks about either getting a cleaner in on one of those days to the bathrooms properly. You miss family time on the weekend and rather you did something enjoyable after a long working week than cleaning.

Retropear Sun 15-Sep-13 10:24:08

Yabu. He's not a skivvy and does more than I do.If you don't like his standards do it yourself.

If you were a man posting this you'd be flamed.

Jinsei Sun 15-Sep-13 10:24:22

I don't understand what people mean when they say that there isn't much time during the day while the kids are in school. Surely there are 4-5 hours between pick-up and drop-off - sounds like ample time to me!!

I don't think yabu to expect him to do the bulk of the housework (health issues permitting), but I also think you may need to compromise on your standards a bit. If you what him to do it, you have to accept that he'll do it his way.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 15-Sep-13 10:25:36

It sounds like your DH does quite a lot. I am a SAHM at the moment and do the day to day cleaning and tidying but we do have a cleaner for 2.5 hours on a Friday. It costs £25 and means the house is lovely and clean for the weekend and we can enjoy time together as a family. My youngest is not a school yet but I can't see us getting rid of the cleaner when he is next year. I would imagine as a teacher you could afford this and it will make a big difference to your DH keeping on top of the house.

hettienne Sun 15-Sep-13 10:25:57

Sounds like he could do the kids' bedrooms and the bathrooms during the week - but you have to accept they are done to his standards, not yours.

The stuff you do after work sounds ok. I would try to make sure neither of you do housework at the weekends (other than maintenance stuff - cooking and washing up, bit of tidying) and enjoy two days off all together.

SmallTorch Sun 15-Sep-13 10:50:24

I think Yabu, it sounds like he does plenty, with MS.

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