To expect SAHD DH to do more now that both dc are in school

[lecce]

I am just wondering what is UR here and want to see what others think and do.

There are two dc, 6 & 4, both now in f/t school. Dh has always done the laundry, cooked pretty much all meals (from scratch), done nearly all dog walking, changed our bed (but not dc's), done other general cleaning and gardening. He also does DIY when needed and takes care of financial stuff and anything to do with the car, though I am its main driver.

I get up at 5am to be in work for 6.30, 2 hours before school starts, and am usually home by 5-5.30, except for meeting nights etc. Sun- Thurs I usually do 1-2 hours' work after the dc are in bed. I put the dc to bed (though dh does ds2's story) and do the dog's final walk. I sweep the sitting room floor after the dc are in bed. At weekends I tidy and clean the dc's bedrooms and do the bathrooms - dh sometimes does these but tends to do stuff like mopping the floor without sweeping properly first, so it looks really crummy.

I am now starting to resent having to do anything other than childcare, tbh. There are lots of things that, although dh does them, he doesn't do thoroughly and the house just looks a bit mucky - though all essential stuff is done.

In case I am later accused of drip-feeding, Dh has MS but he is fine atm. If unwell, none of this would apply, obviously. He also does some online marking of exams at home, but only at certain times of year. I expect to do more when he is doing this, of course.

WIBU to speak to him about this?

[whatever5]

Did he do the "laundry, cooked pretty much all meals (from scratch), dog walking, changed beds, other general cleaning, gardening, DIY, car maintenance, even when your children were preschoolers? If so that is a lot especially considering that he probably doesn't feel that great a lot of time.

I would hope that he will do a bit more now that both your children are at school (e.g. the bathrooms) but presumably the youngest has only just started school if they are only four? If that is the case, GIVE HIM A BREAK. Also, some jobs e.g. sweeping the floor every night seem a bit unnecessary if you are out all day. You sound very fussy.

I also have MS (for over 20 years) and as others have mentioned it doesn't usually totally go away even if you are not having an obvious relapse.

[Rosieeo]

Euphemia - pretty much anything, especially if she has additional responsibilities.

YANBU. If H stayed at home and I worked, I'd expect him to do everything around the house. That would be his job, surely? When you're both at home, fair enough, but while you work, he works. And yes, I'd say the same thing if it was him at work, her at home.

[mumeeee]

Sorry but you do seem a bit unreasonable. Ii seems to me that your DH does do quite a lot at the moment but you don't think he's cleaning is up to your standard. I would get very annoyed with my DH if he re cleaned what I had already done

[Branleuse]

hes your partner, not your employee. Hes doing housework and hes doing childcare

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

Instead of him doing everything to a low standard, maybe he could do just a few things to a high standard and then you do the other half.

[dojonoodle]

Difficult one as it is impossible to understand other people's lives, the exact demands of your job and the impact that the MS has on his energy levels and physical abilities.

I would generally expect a SAHP with school aged children to do everything at home that was within their capabilities (possibly not some DIY as some people are just not skilled at that) but all the basic housework so that the working partner doesn't need to start deep cleaning bathrooms at the weekend. I think that is fair if the other partner is out at work all day, fully supporting the family financially. Presumably, he has a fair bit of free time during the day to see friends or pursue his own interests, which you don't.

However, it does indeed sound as if he is doing the great majority and perhaps his only fault is that he isn't doing it to your standards. I do sympathise with this because there is so often a difference in standards but I think you should probably try to lower your standards with the bathroom if he is doing everything else.
Make sure you get some free time when you are on school holiday though.

[whois]

I think you are being a bit U, it sounds like he does do quite a lot.

I really recommend getting a cleaner, my life is so much nicer now cleaning or getting DP to clean has been irradiated from my life. Best £85 a month we spend!

[Jinsei]

But Katy, why should the OP do half when she is at work all day and her DP is at home with no children to care for?

Of course he isn't the OP's employee, but I think she does have a right to expect that he makes a fair contribution to the household, and if the kids are at school all day (and assuming that health factors are not an issue) I really can't see why he shouldn't do most of the housework. That said, if he is doing it, I think he gets to set the standards and choose how it's done.

[Choos123]

I think YABU but I also think I'd be tired in your situation. As you can't afford a cleaner, can you agree to deep clean 1 x per month, stop all your extra cleaning at other times and use the time saved to do nice things for yourself? I really think you have to drop your standards and enjoy life more, so what if your house looks a little crummy? You are both coping well with a lot by the sounds if it, if this is your major problem.

[missuswife]

It's tough, I can see other posters' point that if a SAHM posted this, everyone would be saying her DH was unreasonable to expect her to do more/clean better. I don't think you're being entirely UR though. I am a SAHM with an infant and I do all the cooking and housework. DH does help when asked. If my children were all at school, I would feel like I would either need to do more at home, or get a part-time job in order to feel like I was still contributing equally.

Right now DH feels I have the tougher job but if dd were at school I would feel guilty if I didn't do something 9-5 like DH even if it was unpaid work at home IYSWIM.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

go read wifework and flip the genders.

[ImperialBlether]

I don't think he does a lot! Why the hell should the OP pay for a cleaner just because her husband's doing a half-arsed job? If she did that, she'd be sacked.

[hobnobsaremyfavourite]

god im glad im not married to the op.

[dreamingbohemian]

I think you should still do some cleaning as a principle kind of thing.

Yes, he probably has time to clean the bathrooms and DC rooms. But I think it's quite unhealthy for one person to do absolutely all the cleaning. It fosters this dynamic where one person is the skivvy and the other person just judges how well they do it.

My DH and I go back and forth between being the working parent and the SAHP and we have changed cleaning duties at times. But whatever the balance, I always do laundry and he always does dishes. We each make at least a minimal contribution to the drudge work.

Don't get a cleaner, do a massive autumn clean out (get the kids to help too) and then it will be easier to maintain on a weekly basis. If you do this 2-3 times a year it should reduce that seething you feel.

[lecce]

Interesting comments, thanks.

Regarding the MS, I wish people would take my word that we have discussed it and it is not the reason why we are having this issue. Really. Even those who have MS themselves should know that it is a very 'individual' disease and each sufferer seems to have their own set of symptoms/degrees of severity. Dh's sister has had it for 25 years and has never had half the symptoms dh has had in ten - though she now classes herself as secondary progressive and dh's dr classes his as mild R&R.

As for the whole 'If it was a man posting...' I do see how it would look. But, whenever I have read threads like this where the SAHM is posting to say that her partner does nothing around the home, it seems that the father does next to nothing with the dc as well, and that is seen as a big part of the problem. I do bedtime every night (unless it's parents' evening) and I sort of 'take the lead' with the dc all over the weekend and throughout holidays (I also do more housework in the holidays). I am not some chauvinist who never puts the kids to bed and goes out playing golf all weekend. I have pretty much no free-time and, when I do, I'm too tired to enjoy it. I fell asleep at 8.45pm last night and will be working tonight .

Euphemia - I teach English so the marking takes up a huge amount of time. My TLR is very time-consuming, too.

However, I take on board the comments that I need to lower my, already low, standards, and that dh does do a lot.

[mamaduckbone]

lecce apart from the difference between your Dh's MS and my Dh's MH problems, you could be me - I can especially empathise with your last post.

Was the decision to be the main breadwinner made based on your choice, or the circumstances of your Dh's illness? I always imagined that, since teaching is a relatively child-friendly career, I would work part time after having children, but it didn't work out like that. I know that a big part of my resentment is that I don't actually want to be at work full time, and I believe (rightly or wrongly) that I would be making a better job of the cleaning etc. if I were at home doing it. Perhaps you feel the same?

I also have next to no time to myself, for much the same reason as you describe - 'taking the lead' (and easing my guilt about being a wohm) by spending every minute of the weekend / holidays with the Dc and doing much more of the housework / cooking. I have started to think that the school holidays are a holiday for Dh, not me, because I actually just do his 'job' instead. Absolutely not the same thing as a man not lifting a finger around the house.

It's tough. I have no answers because I struggle with exactly the same issues that you do, but I do know how you feel. But, I think IABU if I expect DH to do more than he does, and I suspect you probably are too.

I'm watching this thread with interest to see if anyone comes up with any genuine solutions.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

mamaduckbone
"I always imagined that, since teaching is a relatively child-friendly career"

LOL

[diddl]

Well as someone who doesn't go out to work, I suppose I see it as my "job" to do as much as possible around the house.

That doesn't mean that no one else does anything, or that I don't get any time to do stuff that I want, though.

[Jinsei]

But I think it's quite unhealthy for one person to do absolutely all the cleaning. It fosters this dynamic where one person is the skivvy and the other person just judges how well they do it.

I sort of agree with this, but then, I also think it's quite unhealthy for one person to do absolutely all of the paid work. Much better to share it all out in my view. However, when one half of a couple is doing ling days outside the house, and the other is at home all day without any childcare responsibilities, I think it's only fair that the one at home deals with the housework. If they're reasonably efficient about it, they should still end up with more free rime than the WOHP, assuming that childcare is shared when the OP isn't at work.

If the WOHP is expected to do all of the breadwinning, half of the childcare and a significant chunk of the housework too, I don't really get how that's fair.

[Jinsei]

Sorry for typos

[dreamingbohemian]

I see what you're saying Jinsei but how is the OP doing a significant chunk of the housework? Tidying rooms and cleaning bathrooms on the weekend is what, half an hour a week? And her DH does do some paid work too. And makes a huge contribution by doing every morning, school runs, before and after school care, financial stuff and it sounds like a lot of the 'wifework' that isn't obvious.

But I agree sharing is the best way. The best setup we ever had was when we were both working part-time, I wish there were more opportunities to do this.

[Inertia]

I sympathise with you - teaching is a job that generates vast amounts of each training work outside directed hours so combined with the housework there's a feeling good of no end in sight.

I think it might be worth drawing up a schedule with dh in terms of allocating jobs, and doing some things properly but less frequently.