to want MIL and SIL to stay in a hotel(92 Posts)
... and not in the living room of our small 3-bed terrace when they come over to stay for a week??
We have no living area when they're staying and everything gets very tense / claustrophobic.
DH has accused me of being inhospitable (fair comment) BUT I have done some unforgivable things to him this past year and have a lot of making up to do.
Just can't stand the thought of the invasion though ...
A week is way too long for a visit. I think anything more than 2 or 3 nights you are not a visitor but someone looking for free accomodation! If you stay that long you should chip in with chores, cook a meal etc. I would feel very uncomfortable staying in someone's lounge - surely they would feel awkward about this?
Nope - not awkward at all!!
Never offer to help out with anything, or cook etc. They totally see us as free accommodation - but for them that's the point. i.e. it's DH who chose to live overseas in the UK and a result of that choice is having to host family. I do see their point of view, but I resent it a bit!
Moose, yes, knackered and resentful about sums me up!!!
Your DH does need to step up to manage the visit though. Like telling them as soon as they arrive not to chuck stuff around and treat you like a maid. o clear up after themselves as they go along.
Otherwise you might need to go to a hotel...
I know you're on the back foot with your DH but there is an issue with lack of respect for you lurking here, in my view. By DH and his relatives. Staying with people in their living room for a whole week is imposition enough, why can't he just say 'Try not to be skanky mares while you're here, eh?'
I really don't think it's unreasonable to suggest a hotel to someone who sprayed poo over your bathroom. I wouldn't be in a hurry to invite someone back if they did that.
I am struggling to see what her facial hair has got to do with anything?
However YANBU personally I hate staying in people's homes a night or two no problem but i couldn't do a week.
Helenafalco, I assume she was shaving it off and leaving a mess in the sink.
I have some experience of this, I hate it! Suggestions:
A week is a long time - too long for any of you to give up your bedrooms for.
Just because they are visiting doesn't mean your house is their home. Your priority is your children, not your visitors. If they want to stay for a week in your living room that's fine but they need to make way and fit in with your routine. That includes staying up late if necessary, being woken early and getting up, through the bathroom out of the way if your morning routine with the DC requires.
They are your DHs family. Ask him how HE is planning to entertain them and draw up a schedule of days out/meals out.
Suggest he takes them on a sightseeing trip involving a couple of overnights in a B&B midweek to give you and the DC a break.
Point out that he can take time off work, but you can't - your workload (laundry, tidying/cleaning/shopping, food prep/cooking, entertaining the DC/trips to the park etc) doesn't disappear!
Disregard your feelings of being on the back foot - be fair but assertive. If he's forgiven you that should be the end of it. You can't be expected to "make up for it" forever.
is there any way your could get some cheap bedding for your SIL's bed and then bin it once she's gone?
have you offered the hotel room to them and are sure they'd be offended? I mean, they might be offended if you wouldn't let them stay and they thought they had to pay for it, but a paid for hotel close to your house might seem like a treat. Could you compromise with DH, say you will host them if they prefer, but he has to call them tonight and say "Mum, was thinking, it's really rubbish you have to sleep on the floor as we can't afford a guest room, HollieHelen and I wondered if you'd rather we paid for a hotel room for you near by. If you're happy to sleep on the floor you're welcome, but we thought we'd offer you the hotel option, and I will insist on paying for your room. You can be here all day I just feel bad I can't offer you a comfy bed."
See what they say, put like that, they might prefer it. He's still 'hosting' them, just in a hotel/B&B.
and the SIL does sound like she needs medical help - that's not normal.
(the affair is a side issue, although I can see why you'd be reluctant to stand up for yourself now, you can't, however let it be a stick he beats you with every time he doesn't get his own way, or else you're going to end up having another affair, and this time not staying with him)
I agree, this is your DH's
problem responsibility as well as yours. Maybe more than it is yours.
Can you clear your lounge / bathroom / kitchen of any detritus which you and your family have in there to make tidying up / deep cleaning easier? Extra bins? Disposable things where possible? Have a new shower curtain at the ready for after?
My family don't really compare to yours, but have done cleaning at silly o'clock in the morning (after feeding the baby and while everyone else is asleep) to keep on top of it / feel in control of place.
I don't think that having had the affair, means that you have to put up with everything else your husband wants. The two things are separate. You need to rebuild trust and that might mean giving access to phone records, or not having locks on phones, but it doesn't mean giving in to everything he wants at the expense of your own happiness.
The two of you need to be equals within your relationship and that will never happen of you feel you have to give in all the time.
Your husband made a choice to stay with you - you need to work on having a relationship that meets both of your needs. It's not healthy to feel you 'owe' him to the extent where you compromise more than you should in a fair, equal relationship.
Would you send your family to a hotel if they wanted to visit?
Quite honestly my own family would never have lumbered me with a week long visit.
I think OPs DH should man up and say we just don't have the room for a week long visit.
If he doesn't want to do that he should make sure he takes on the lion's share of entertaining and feeding his guests - not have a go at OP for lacking hostess skills when she has children to look after and a house to run.
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