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Oh wise MN !!! There has got to be a way to outfox evil SIL as regards Stbxh with memory issues.

(52 Posts)
catfourfeet Fri 24-May-13 21:26:50

StbxH has amnesia, very poor short term memory, depression and is living 150 miles away. Oringinally with evil sil and now in a flat of his own.

Im not going over old ground, our reltionship is beyond help whilst he is under evil SIL's control, I'm "done" with all that. Its the contact with the Dc's that is just beyond belief.

What would you think of "man" who didn't offer emergeny contact numbers for use if DC's are seriously injured / ill ???

How do I make sure that e-mails etc "get" to him ??

I have no phone numbers.

I send via solicitor but get no response, I send letters , no response etc etc.

Unless I can PROVE that evil sil has seen said e-mails their existance will be denied or lack of response blamed on "his memory problems".

I dont mind the lack of reponse as such but I can never know if its

a) He got the e-mail but didnt want to repond ( fair enough , if a bit childish)

b) Got e-mail but then forgot about it and evil SIL wont remind ( in effect controlling him)

Last e-mail from me to stbxh asked about emergency contact if one of the Dc's is SERIOUSLY injured / ill and I said " If I do not get a reponse to this e-mail I will assume you do not want to be contacted in the event of serious illness / injury to the DC's"

no reponse in a week.

WHAT does this mean ????

That Stbxh doesnt want contact if DC's are ill / injured?? ( I feel sick thinking that this might be true)

or

Evil that SIL has had a hand in it ??

AARRGGHHH !!!!!!!

what method could I employ to ensure evil SIL has to accknowledge communications and thus cant "deny"she has seen them ???

Ive asked for a "trusted individual" to monitor his e-mail account but thats yielded nothing.

I offer this up to the collective wisdom of mumsnet , HHEELLLPP !!!!

Sokmonsta Fri 24-May-13 22:07:22

Can you attach a read receipt to the email like you would do on outlook? It won't prove who has read it, but will provide you with a date and time and even tell you if the email was deleted without being read.

At least it's a paper trail in your favour either way. Equally find out how long he has to respond to letters sent via solicitor. It may be they have a reply within 28 days policy. It seems like a long time but you've already been through so much I don't think another month to wait for an answer would matter as long as you got it. In the meantime what happens would have to be discussed and agreed with your solicitor.

mrscumberbatch Fri 24-May-13 22:09:10

Sokmonsta has a good point.

Remember your original threads OP. Rooting for you! (And SIL is SUCH a horror.)

RainbowsFriend Fri 24-May-13 22:10:15

Could you post a recorded delivery print out of your email to his flat?

As he is no longer living with SIL, he MIGHT just get it and pin it up somewhere to remind himself? confused

AgentZigzag Fri 24-May-13 22:16:07

I remember other threads you've had about this situation too, I'm sorry it's got/getting worse.

I think the email receipt asks the person whether they want to send it back or not doesn't it? Well, I know I've clicked cancel to not send them in the past, maybe mine's an old version? <likely>

catfourfeet Fri 24-May-13 22:35:48

Sok

I'll look into the solicitor side of things.
Though I'm not sure they are obliged to tell me anything that stbxh doesn't want known

Ill have a go at the email "thing".

Ta

Loulybelle Fri 24-May-13 22:40:45

Ever thought of trying a new email address?

Troubledjo Fri 24-May-13 22:41:38

Well, sadly, there's probably nothing you can do. Maybe you would feel better if you accepted that all you can do in this situation is to send the information. Once you have done that it's really out of your control and you will just drive yourself mad if you are trying to second-guess everything when you can't possibly know what is going on. It sounds like you have done everything you can.

catfourfeet Fri 24-May-13 22:47:37

I am standing back emotionally but in practical sense I just don't know how to get in touch with him in an emergency.

Apparently I'm meant to e-mail or leave a voice mail on sil phone FFS!!!

How would the dcs feel ??

minibmw2010 Fri 24-May-13 22:50:54

I remember your original threads and everything you've been through. Huge sympathies from me. Why is he not living with SIL after everything she did to get him away from you?

I would recommend a read receipt as well. Is there anyone else at all in this situation that you trust who could pin up a page of emergency contact numbers/email addresses in a place in his flat that he'd see it?

catfourfeet Fri 24-May-13 22:55:46

Mini

I dont have anyone locally to him that would help.

He's not with sil anymore as he "wants his independence "
Ooooorrrrrrr sil has got fed up of him and (to quote her) " goes to work for a rest from him"

ProphetOfDoom Fri 24-May-13 22:59:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 24-May-13 23:00:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Troubledjo Fri 24-May-13 23:02:30

I got quite worried about this too at a time when I couldn't get in touch with my ex - it wasn't anything like your situation but I didn't have numbers for him. Then I thought through it all and realised that actually there was no emergency situation in which he was going to be able to offer help or support. Actually, for me it was more about accepting that I was on my own and couldn't rely on him - and weirdly from that point I felt better. I know everyone's different though...
For my DD too I have found it better to approach it by saying 'daddy really loves you but just can't do this, or isn't good at this' and that's helped her to accept the situation as it is.
It sounds like you're in a really hard position - hope things get better...

catfourfeet Fri 24-May-13 23:04:47

Schmal

Good ideas but it's not do much about giving stbxh reminders but that evil sil would remove anything that would help him keep in touch with dcs.

Me and dcs left about 60 messages over a 6 week period , no relpy , sil said we had left less than 10, dh chose to believe sil over me and dcs aged 12/ 14

ProphetOfDoom Fri 24-May-13 23:16:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catfourfeet Fri 24-May-13 23:31:35

Schm

Dh skypes dcs once a month.

Dh won't answer if dcs skype him so they have stopped trying.

If I try to talk to him when he is on skype he cuts the call off xnd the Dcs miss out.

Fuckwittery Sat 25-May-13 04:34:35

Oh my goodness, I remember your previous threads, am so sorry it has turned out like this.
I think I would assume your DH is an ill man with his depression and is under the control of SIL not that he doesn't want to be contacted in an emergency, and I would hope in an emergency the message by email or sil would be passed on. i bet his solicitor has his number and could phone him with a message although that would be limited to office hours.

Sokmonsta Sat 25-May-13 06:45:03

The read receipt may well have an option as to whether you want to send the reply back of not now I think of it. Our work disabled this facility sp it might be possible to prevent the choice. There are also delivery reports so you will at least know the email has been delivered successfully.

With regards to to the solicitors, I don't think stbxh can prevent you from knowing how long he has to respond to your communication via solicitor. A quick phone call to his should yield the answer. If not, yours will be able to find out.

It's small condolence but at least your children are now old enough to see for themselves how poorly their dad is and know that you are doing your best to keep lines of communication open.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Sat 25-May-13 07:21:49

Cat, I think you are going to have to accept that he isn't that bothered and doesn't want to give you an emergency contact. He skypes once a month, refuses to answer if his own children call him outside of that time and hangs up on them if you talk. Those are the actions of a man who isn't really bothered sad sorry. I know it's inconceivable, but I think you need to come to terms with it.

OhTheConfusion Sat 25-May-13 07:42:56

Sorry it has come to this, you really have had the most horrid time sad.

I honestly think SIL is pulling all the strings (and I am really happy that she 'goes to work for a rest' as the silly cow caused all this!). Your DC's are sadly old enough to understand the situation and all you can do is reassure them you are always there, 24/7! Your DC's will be just fine in the long run with a strong mum.

ZillionChocolate Sat 25-May-13 08:21:34

I use a secure 'email' service which lets me know when messages have been opened by the recipient. It wouldn't be suitable for you as it's a commercial service, but there might be free versions around.

You say you've detached from stbxh, but that's easier said than done. In reality, he probably wouldn't be any help at all in an emergency. Even if your children wanted him there, aren't they more likely to be hurt by his failure to respond?

I think there's a point in evidencing the attempts you make for 1. Your own sanity and 2. If your children ever ask/challenge you on it in the future. You cannot make him respond/engage, so continue to offer him opportunities, document it (ie your sent folder), shrug your shoulders and get in with your life.

Hissy Sat 25-May-13 08:48:04

Honey, you're still ASKING him to engage.

He isn't. There isn't anything you can do about that.

Your stance has to be 'In the absence of you telling me otherwise, I have to assume that you don't want to be contacted in the event of an emergency'

Send it by recorded letter, then do what you know you have to do. Walk away and forget all about him.

Don't do the skype things anymore, no more messages, it's actually demoralising you and the Dc.

Tell them that it's time for you all to move on, that he's had his chance, and that enough is enough.

His actions don't mean a thing about you, or the DC, it is his choice to have done all this.

Please give him up?

diddl Sat 25-May-13 08:51:28

I agree with Hissy tbh.

Do you have contact details for SIL?

If so-tell her & let her pass it on in the event of an emergency.

Or just send an email-he gets it or not-his choice!

WorkingItOutAsIGo Sat 25-May-13 08:54:10

Cat, you need to do what Hissy said.

You issued an ultimatum and now, when they have done what you said, you need to do what you said. They didn't reply, so you now assume he has no interest in being an emergency contact. That's your desire and wish, not his.

Let go, you are obsessing about him being there in an emergency and he is just not interested. You cannot force him, or his SIL.

Focus on you and your DCs and what is in your control, which is being happy with each other. You have to accept that maybe there is a medical reason for his choice not a personal one, but either way you cannot change it.

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