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to ask why helping your children financially is looked upon so disdainfully? (thread about THAT inheritance thread)

(58 Posts)
EuroShopperEnergyDrink Fri 26-Apr-13 07:00:33

*(Now, I certainly don't agree with allowing the public purse to pick up the tab for your care bill as you chose to spend all of your money on buying your little darling a house- but I think that thread raised some really interesting points.)

(And I know we all hate threads about threads but IDC wink*

It seemed like an awful lot of people seemed to believe that helping your children out with deposits and even purchasing property was ultimately a terrible thing. There was one comparison to the North Korean dictatorship when it came to leaving behind some dolla dolla bill for DC and a recurring theme of 'teaching your children to stand on their own feet' is more valuable that any inheritance you give them.

Obviously I agree self-sufficiency should be instilled in all children, and from studying at a pretty elite university with public school types who simply didn't understand that I needed to work all hours to get through my BA (and my MA!), I have a disdain for people who have never had to work for anything.

But does giving your kids a deposit for a house or a wedding or being so generous to buy them a house cancel that hard-working trait out if it existed in the first place? I understand completely that not everyone is in a financial position to help their DC in such a huge way, but surely it's understandable if some people do?

EuroShopperEnergyDrink Fri 26-Apr-13 07:01:06

bold fail above


I'll live

greenteawithlemon Fri 26-Apr-13 07:06:43

I have absolutely no idea.

Almost everyone I know got help from parents for their house deposit. It would be nigh on impossible these days without, when property prices are so vastly out of step with salaries.

Yes, you want your children to be independent but helping with a house deposit is not the same as financially mollycoddling them!

It feels like there's a strong vein of 'I didn't get any help so they shouldn't either', but I don't get that at all, because surely you want your children to have an easier time of it than you did?

greenteawithlemon Fri 26-Apr-13 07:07:29

Using the universal 'you' by the way!

AuntieStella Fri 26-Apr-13 07:08:03


Simple reason is that it's vulgar to talk about money. So perhaps they just want the person to shut up.

ll31 Fri 26-Apr-13 07:08:08

Didn't see other thread but can't see why you wouldn't help your children if you could..

MidniteScribbler Fri 26-Apr-13 07:09:46

Honestly, I think it comes down to jealousy and a measure of embarrassment. Those that can help their children do, and those that can't help their children are the ones that go on about teaching them about being self sufficient as a way of defending themselves about their own financial situation.

DolomitesDonkey Fri 26-Apr-13 07:11:45

I don't get it. My ironyometer went off a few times when reading about those who'd been gifted houses but then went on to say the greatest gift they could gift would be knowledge and a firm shove out the door.

I aim on buying my children houses or having granny flat style conversions. We are also setting up businesses they can work in.

christinarossetti Fri 26-Apr-13 07:13:37

Yes, it brings up strong feelings in people.

Although things have worked out quite well for me (married to someone who bought property before prices went into the stratosphere), I always feel a twinge of envy when someone mentions that their parents have helped them on some way, either financially or emotionally, as I've never had that.

I can completely imagine feeling very bitter indeed if I had no choice but to pay expensive private rents etc.

tumbletumble Fri 26-Apr-13 07:17:07

I haven't read the other thread but I agree with you. I don't agree with bailing your kids out financially at the drop of a hat, but for something like a house deposit, if you have the money and want to spend it that way, why not? You can't take it with you!

EuroShopperEnergyDrink Fri 26-Apr-13 07:19:56

It's just something that's really interesting to me, as my own DPs will be helping me out with a housing deposit for a buy to let property.

However I'm from a 'working class done good' background, and they wanted me to have the same work ethic that they have. Never had an allowance or pocket money, always worked alongside my studies, toilet cleaning or shelf stacking- and it was the best thing they've done for me.

I think they know that I understand the value of money now. I doubt they'd be so beautifully generous if I had no desire or drive to work or study.

Alligatorpie Fri 26-Apr-13 07:22:34

My mom and I started contributing to an education for dd when she was born. It is now very healthy and will pay for 2 years of uni. She is seven, so by the time she's ready to go to uni, she will have multiple options.
I think paying for her education is the greatest financial gift we could give her.
I don't understand why you wouldn't help your children if you were able to.

AprilFoolishness Fri 26-Apr-13 07:31:40

PIL helped dh (when he was dp, and by extension me) quite considerably. We also work harder than most people I know, it's just that dh has had the opportunity to work in a less financially rewarding but more enjoyable career path than the one he was ordinarily pursuing. Surely as a parent you don't want your children to feel trapped and unhappy if you can help it?

Curiously they have tried to be fair and helped his sis and her dp the same. The same work ethic doesn't always seem to apply. I remember mil saying she needed to find someone she could pay to build some ikea units for them that she was buying them for ££££. When I asked why BIL couldn't do it, I was told 'well he likes to do stuff at he weekend like go cycling'. Lucky him hmm

FarBetterNow Fri 26-Apr-13 07:35:51

I have a friend who did without holidays etc and lived quite frugally to pay her daughter's university fees and living costs, so the daughter would not be in any debtwhen she left uni.
The daughter had different ideas, took out student loans and went on several long exotic holiday and bought very expensive clothes.
The parents were not too happy.
We can all plan for our children's future but be prepared for it back firing.

HollyBerryBush Fri 26-Apr-13 07:41:33

Because the "have nots" always object to the "haves" having anything.

Doesn't matter how hard (or indeed lucky) you have been through life, some have an utopian ideal your money is only on some form of loan and should be sucked back into the state upon your death..

Normal parents want to assist their children. You only have to look at particular cultures (I will use Asians generally to demonstrate) that everything they do is for the good of the family everyone works together, every business is family owned, everyone pools together to set fledglings up in business and so forth. Even in the pooer parts of Africa, whole villages support one child getting an education in the UK in the hopes that one child will come back with the know how to spread the wealth in the village.

Of course in the Uk the whole concept of family is so destabilised none of those concepts register with some people.

I am referring to some, not all

greenfolder Fri 26-Apr-13 07:42:38

i dont give a rats arse what other people do.

i hope to be able to help the kids out a bit- eg paying for driving lessons, maybe giving them some money towards a car, something towards a house deposit when they are earning enough. there have been points in my life when just a few thousand would have made a huge difference.

i dont think it will affect work ethic.

equally, i have a friend whose parents bought her and husband their house. in all honesty it made sense- she was an only (brother had died)- every penny was going to her eventually and they already owned their own house outright and had money swilling around. this enabled friend to stay at home and have 3 dcs and that made them all happy.

wreckitralph Fri 26-Apr-13 07:42:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tumbletumble Fri 26-Apr-13 07:43:02

That's the thing about a house deposit though Far - it can't really be frittered away.

Cat98 Fri 26-Apr-13 07:46:12

You know, it's all very well for people to say 'spend it on a good education and good values, then shove them out the door' or whatever.. But that's no guarantee, these days. Things can happen that means a decent wage still isn't earned and not through fault of the dc.
I had a decent education and a degree (thanks mum and dad!) but still need financial help from my mum from time to time. Thankfully she has the means and is happy to give it. I am not a freeloader and we are pretty frugal compared to a lot of our peers.

Lazyjaney Fri 26-Apr-13 07:48:07

I will help my kids out financially, as there is no way they can afford the houses we could at their age. I shall let others tut at me.

Cat98 Fri 26-Apr-13 07:49:21

Oh, and I'm on my phone so can't link but have a search for this book:
'The pinch: how the baby boomers stole their children's future (and why they should give it back)' by David willetts. Interesting!

stickortwist Fri 26-Apr-13 07:51:56

I think the problem comes when there is an expectation from the younger generation that the older generation will help her out. I have a friend whose pension plan is basically selling her parents house when they die which I find a bit icky.
I'm another one of those working class done good from age of14ihad a job whilst doing a levels I worked after school and at weekends in a shop. Didn't stop me doing well and if anything I subsidized my mum by paying rent up to age 21
It taught independence and resilience. I actually worry my boys are too pampered and they will be getting a paper round if they ever want pocket money.

But then maybe I am just jealous as there is no way I'll ever get a nice lump sum when anyone I know dies

Areyoumadorisitme Fri 26-Apr-13 07:53:32

Neither DH nor I have been helped at all and until recently I wouldn't expect to help my children out or ask DPs to help us out.

I have always had an assumption that everyone sorts themselves out. My DPs self-made a decent lifestyle and now live in a 5bed house,mortgage paid off etc with savings but not masses. We live in a nice 5 bed house with mortgage to be paid off by 50, so all seemed to make sense. Message being if you work hard you do ok.

But recently Firstly I have been wondering how DC will ever manage to save enough for a house deposit (they are only 12 and 9 now though). Secondly DS1 is having fairly big problems at school and we suddenly are questioning whether we could pay for private education. We know we can't pay out of day to day money so it would be remortgaging or asking DPs to lend us money (not sure if hey could afford it) but still I have self sufficiency so ingrained that I would never ask them to give us the money. It would still be a massive thing, going against the grain, to ask them to lend it.

Mmmm, a difficult one.

catsmother Fri 26-Apr-13 07:55:25

Sometimes, no matter how hard you work, no matter how sensible you are, no matter how much you've tried to help yourself - you still can't can't quite cut it for a whole host of different reasons and circumstances. Never more so than these days with low wages, high cost of living, dearth of jobs etc.

If I thought my kids had done everything they could to become decent citizens and lead independent lives, but they still needed help, and I was in a position to do it, then I wouldn't hesitate. It's not about mollycoddling - it's about seeing that someone you care about isn't suffering unduly. It's about alleviating stress and worry for someone you love. Sadly - I doubt I will ever be in a position to do that, and their futures cause me a lot of sleepness nights - all I can do is support and encourage them in their education in the hope that'll lead to a decent job (and that they, out of the many chasing such jobs, are lucky enough to get one).

lljkk Fri 26-Apr-13 07:59:15

Culture of Envy, innit?
You only worry about inheritance if your kids have a chance to inherit something.

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