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SAHM goes back to work after 10 years - how do you cope with the resentment?

(127 Posts)
MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 10:19:31

So I yelled at DH this morning that I hated him and that I would keep telling him that until he left - I don't want him to leave (yes, I know v. unreasonable behaviour from me), I'm just finding it difficult to cope with my feelings of resentment. At least I think that's what I'm feeling.

AIBU to think that just because I only work part-time (so that the family continues to 'function') I shouldn't have to run the place!!! Yes, I know there are women that work full-time and run the home which is why I'm writing this in the hope of gaining some perspective.

This post could be epic so I'll stop now and write more throughout the thread as necessary. I'm a fairly regular poster but have name changed.

Brandnewbrighttomorrow Sun 10-Feb-13 11:26:55

You are not happy - to the point of screaming at your dh that you hate him - yet you still haven't been able to clarify what exactly the problem is?

I suggest you sit down and have a think about what in your life you are happy about, what you are not and see what YOU can do to change the things you are unhappy about. It's not your DH's responsibility or anyone else's to wave a magic wand and make your life perfect. I would also have a serious think about how different your life would be if your DH left you? Is that really what you want or are you just being a princess? What would have to happen or you to be happy and appreciate what you do have?

For what it's worth I'd love to be in a position to have a part time job and a husband who does the school run three days a week - I wonder how he is able to do his job in the limited time he has?

anotheryearolder Sun 10-Feb-13 11:28:38

OP it sounds like you feel that you have swapped one role SAHM to WOHM and expect that all the chores dont go along with being a WOHP - maybe because you did them all as a SAHM?

Are you looking at your DH and wondering why you cant just swan in and out to a full fridge and dinner cooked as he always has ?

Well rather than passively attack your DH you need to discuss the changes that need to be made - most people would have worked on that one before taking on a new job.

bigTillyMint Sun 10-Feb-13 11:29:52

I know how you feel - when I was working part-time, I was doing virtually everything at home (including all the "unseen stuff like buying birthday presents for parties, etc) DH does do a bit, but he has to be asked....

Most of all, I really, really hated doing the cleaning and felt soooo resentful of him not having to do hardly any of it. It was a BIG issue for me.

I went back to work full-time in September and we got a cleaner. We also get our shopping delivered (on a night when DH has to put it awaywink) My life is transformed! I rarely feel resentful of him nowsmile

So yes, get a cleaner and sort as much of the other stuff as you can so that you don't feel that you are doing it all!

MrsSchadenfreude Sun 10-Feb-13 11:32:29

It doesn't take that much to get the house in order/chores done. I do a couple of loads of laundry before work, and will put dinner in the slow cooker one or two mornings, so that most of the work is done. Get your DH to do the hoovering, dusting and hoovering/washing floors. Put washing away as soon as it comes out of the drier/off the line, then if you want it ironed, you pull it out of its home and iron it - this way you don't have drifts of washing piling up and taking over. Bathrooms can be done in about 10 minutes.

If you have days when you don't work, then yes, use this time for cleaning/tidying. Get up early, set yourself a target of having done as much as you can in 2-3 hours, then do something you enjoy.

MrsSchadenfreude Sun 10-Feb-13 11:33:29

Or as everyone else has said, get a cleaner...

bigTillyMint Sun 10-Feb-13 11:35:07

MrsS, that is precisely what I hated about working part-time - the feeling that I should be doing housework for 2-3 hours.

I would MUCH rather be at work earning enough to pay our lovely cleanersmile

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 11:35:54

The thing that made me blow a gasket this morning is that I was thinking about/planning for tomorrow (my day off) and when I totalled it up, there would have to be 12 x 15 minutes driving sessions, 30 minutes hanging around time and 1hr listening time, all to do with the DC. All I could think of was that DH dropped DD to the bus the other morning and she forgot her ballet things and he forgot his suit. And anytime he drops her off I have to remind him to remind her what she needs and he doesn't use any headspace but does the 'chore' and gets to feel like super dad.

I'm sorry this is all a bit of a ramble. Thanks again for your responses. I think its helping smile.

ssd Sun 10-Feb-13 11:36:17

op you make me feel stabby

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 11:39:47

Words fail me really.

MrsSchadenfreude Sun 10-Feb-13 11:40:02

Well don't remind him to remind her! He's not a child - either remind her, or write it on a calendar - eg Monday PE kit, Tuesday Ballet stuff, Wednesday Brownie uniform etc etc. That way it's all there for everyone to see, and no blame or reminding if stuff gets forgotten.

Who would do all the driving and hanging about if you were working full time?

anotheryearolder Sun 10-Feb-13 11:41:18

12 x 15 minutes driving time shock
What on earth are you doing ?

janey68 Sun 10-Feb-13 11:42:07

12 x 15 minutes driving time? What on earth do your children do which requires such time consuming and restricting ferrying about?

Sounds to me like you have created a lifestyle which perhaps suited you at one point- you giving up work for 10 years, children needing numerous lifts all over the place- and now you're fed up of it. Which isn't your husbands fault. And neither is it your childrens fault if you've facilitated the sort of ridiculous charade of driving and waiting which you describe

bigTillyMint Sun 10-Feb-13 11:45:18

OP, is there any chance you could go back to full-time work and get an aupair or some other childcare? How old are your DC?

scottishmummy Sun 10-Feb-13 11:45:37

you're a bit of a shouty princess aren't you. you work less than your dh,so proportionately you do more
what bit of that dont you get,fair is do proportionate amount tasks

ssd Sun 10-Feb-13 11:47:36

lol at shouty princess grin

niceguy2 Sun 10-Feb-13 11:48:19

Why should I do more domestic stuff?

Quite simply because you have more time. Frankly I'm not sure what you expect your poor DH to do. You already said that .....DH has taken on more responsibility since I started working. He does school runs and after school activities on the days that I work.

You've also said he works full time and often has to travel away on business.

I have to wonder what it is you expect your poor DH to do? What more can he do? Genuine question. Can you quantify what extra you want him to do?

Put the shoe on the other foot for a moment. What do you think the wisdom of MN would say if a woman came onto this site and posted that she works full time, he works part time yet her husband still expected her to do most of the housework? And that he now has told her that he hates her and wishes he would leave? I believe the response would be "Dump the bastard"

MsGasket Sun 10-Feb-13 11:48:47

Both of these really resonate:

'Also, it's easy to be negative like this, but there are plus sides, control of the finances mean my spending is never questioned, all our holidays are the ones I would like, the house is how I want it. We eat meals I like every night and I am not under any pressure to earn money, we could live on DH's income, I work for my own satisfaction and realise I am actually very fortunate. DH has a great deal of responsibility in his work and it would be easy for me to foregt that.'

'By being a SAHM you've lost lots of opportunities to do other things, develop a career of a sort you can't reasonably hope for now, develop yourself in ways you haven't had time or money for because you chose to have children. I wonder if the not-fully-forseen consequences of choices you've made along the way are rearing up to bite you now?'

Perhaps I am just being princessy. The idea of getting a cleaner has been raised many times over the years and I think I feel that it would be a weakness to do so in some way. My mum (she has passed away) was a cleaner and that always pops into my head when the getting a cleaner conversation comes up. Arrrgh, I sound like a real mess don't I.

ssd - I'm glad I name-changed.

ENormaSnob Sun 10-Feb-13 11:50:15

If you were a man posting this you'd be getting a well deserved pasting hmm

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 11:50:29

Frankly a lot of what you are doing is parenting.

bigTillyMint Sun 10-Feb-13 11:50:55

Just get a cleaner. My MIL is a cleaner. They need to earn money, you want a cleaner. Simplessmile

FutTheShuckUp Sun 10-Feb-13 11:51:02

OP im so confused- could you perhaps summarise what the actual problem is?

scottishmummy Sun 10-Feb-13 11:53:34

you were supported for 10yr as housewife and now you've got strop you've got to contribute
diddums,why won't your dh see because you have more time doesnt=pull your weight
utter bastard asking you to do fair share

flattyre Sun 10-Feb-13 11:54:05

My goodness, AIBU is so depressing this weekend.

A quick reminder

janey68 Sun 10-Feb-13 11:55:13

Right mrsgaskett- you need to give yourself a good talking to

Getting a cleaner is not a sign of weakness. It's a sensible response as long as its affordable and you've talked through with mrgaskett

Having days when the children require 12 x 15 minute ferrying around , plus Waiting time is ridiculous. If you have facilitated this by putting them in different schools all over the place, or allowing them to do activities or see friends which requires this, then discuss with them and explain that things need to change

The problem is very clearly that you have created a lifestyle whereby you didn't work for 10 years, have allowed your children to become very high maintenance in terms of activities, and have convinced yourself that outsourcing boring jobs like cleaning is 'weak'. You are now realising you don't like this lifestyle. That's all very well but it's NOT everyone else's fault. Sort out what you do want, and talk to your poor husband

flattyre Sun 10-Feb-13 11:55:55

My mum was a teacher, maybe I shouldn't send DCs to school confused

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