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to wonder why my lovely DD is so unpopular?

(131 Posts)
Itsnearlysummertime Wed 30-Jan-13 09:53:20

DD1 is 9. In my opinion she is lovely. She has no friends. She hasn't been invited to a party in over 2 years. She has never been invited on a sleepover.

We have had problems with her fitting in at school and even considered moving her, but she doesn't want to move. I fear that if I move her against her will it will only make matters worse.

She goes to a small local school with only 1 class per year. There are about 14 girls in her class including herself. A few a 'queen bee' types with one more so than the others. The rarely acknowledge that she exists. There is a constant stream of sleepovers that she is never invited to and I can see that it is wearing her down. It's making her sad and withdrawn. She doesn't understand.

Other than not being very girly or being bothered about the latest fashion etc, she is just normal. Nice hair, pretty face, average build a bit taller than average.

What can make her so unpopular? I just don't get it. School don't see why it is, but acknowledge that it's happening.

I feel so so sad for her and want to help but just don't know how any more sad

hillyhilly Fri 01-Feb-13 13:37:47

I read a post on here a while ago a post from a mum who'd made sure that her play dates were the absolute best that they could be, lots of interactive play, chocolates, maybe take a friend or two to the cinema or other "girly treats".
It's bribery in the end but it did work for her, also maybe have a chat with your dd about " fake it til you make it" ie fake not caring until you don't or fake being girly and interested in whatever they are if you want to join in.
Good luck, it's so hard, and as a previous poster said, girls are really not very nice quite often

kerala Fri 01-Feb-13 13:40:36

Good for her. My DH hasnt a single friend from his school days - he was totally in the wrong environment (he worked hard and was at quite a rough comp). He got to Cambridge and was amazed to find so many like minded people he has a huge gang of really great friends from university we see often and lots of friends hes since met through his work/kids etc. He was just in the wrong place for him when he was at school. Just wanted to say its not necessarily doom if your child doesnt shine socially at school but find ways to keep her happy and strong.

butterfingerz Fri 01-Feb-13 14:31:06

I was never popular but always had friends, I was just too shy and quiet. Luckily my friends were like minded souls and lovely girls... I guess I would have struggled if there were just the queen bee types of which there were quite a few in my primary class.

I did get bullied in secondary by the more popular girls, again I guess I was so quiet and I never told on them. Perhaps like you, my mum could never understand it as I was nice, normal looking, and had some really good friends but the bullying did wear me down after a while.

Do you think your dd is too quiet or shy? Is there something to boost her confidence? drama class etc.

Oh and I was never quiet at home so my mum never knew quite how bad I was at school!

MerryCouthyMows Fri 01-Feb-13 14:49:31

My DS1 is going through this at the moment. He's not in a 'small' school, it's 2-3FE usually, but his year was a very small birth year, and there is only one, very girl-heavy, class in his year.

It's not helped by the fact that academically, DS1 is working 4 years ahead of his peers, and seems to have different interests.

DS1 is interested in Dr. Who, computer games (not allowed violent 18 rated ones though, unlike the other boys in his class of 10-11yo's...), fast cars and science.

The other boys are only interested on football. Nothing else. And DS1 finds it boring after a while, he likes PLAYING football, but not endless conversations about football.

Plus we aren't living close by the school, and he isn't old enough to cross 4 main roads (one a main route into town directly coming off the A12!) to get to the park near the school that they all play in.

He's not even heading to the same Secondary as the others - he's likely to be heading to the Grammar school while they will all go to the local Academy.

I'm hoping that he can bear the last few months of Y6, and that when he gets to Secondary he will find some like-minded friends.

Itsnearlysummertime Fri 01-Feb-13 15:21:24

merrycouthymow your DS sounds lovely. I bet you he thrives when he gets to grammar school.

Whilst I am proud of DD and relieved that she is happy as herself, it doesn't stop me wanting her to have more friendships with the girls.

I guess we need to take their example and be happy for who they are. DD just doesn't get girly things!!

IDreamedADreamOfSausageRolls Fri 01-Feb-13 19:59:03

last week she tried to play with some other girls and was told by ring leader that it was a secret club and she wasn't a member

This is classic tween girl bullying. Did you tell the teacher? What did she say? There is absolutely no excuse for it, particularly in such a small school. The teacher should be talking to the whole class about why this sort of thing as unacceptable, as well as having a private word with the ringleader/queen bee child.

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