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To hope it doesn't happen for my sister in law just yet...

(133 Posts)
pamplem0usse Fri 28-Dec-12 04:27:45

So my in laws are trying for a baby. they are also planning on going to a wedding next Christmas the other side of the world. They have extracted an offer from my mil to nanny for them if they have a baby by then.
I'm very cross that theyre prepared to take my dc much loved granny away from them at this time of year (they'll be 3 and 1).

MASSIVE backstory: my in laws have been trying for a baby without success for a little over two years. DH and I have tried desperately hard to be supportive (e.g. over the 'announcement' of the pregnancy of our 3mo). In return we get a constant barrage of unwanted parenting advice and open hostility. I know - but can never understand - it must be awful for her. But there is no excuse for:
1. Suggesting my bil takes home a long forgotten toy from my pil that my 2 yo loves 'if its his'
2. Ignores my children
3. Sent a frankly vile email to me last may having refused to see me because i was pregnanct. among my crimes: not asking her before getting pregnant; suggesting we go out for a drink to talk - apparently my lack of alcohol consumption wold have been rubbing it in that i was pregnant and she was not.
4. Sent vile email to mil suggesting if she wants a continuing relationship with her she needs to stop her childcare of my dd for two days a week while i worked.
5. Ignored my birthday. not even a text. Six weeks later we left mil at family gathering as didn't want a confrontation in front of extended family as sil

TanteRose Fri 28-Dec-12 04:31:59

YABVU to hope that they don't get pregnant

and it really won't matter if your DCs don't have granny close by at Xmas for one year

but your SIL does sound a bit rude and unpleasant

pamplem0usse Fri 28-Dec-12 04:35:21

Oops sent too soon.
said she couldn't cope with seeing pregnant me. cue massive paddy about me having left when she had brought my birthday present. one £4 mug. they earn over 100k between them. This Christmas got a 'make your own x kit i can't use because my bfed son ie allergic to the key ingredient (she knew this and told me i wouldntt be able to use while handing over).
6. Constantly tells me to leave my children to cry it out and give up breaatfeeding.

AIBU to want pregnancy not to happen for them just yet so my DC get granny at home next Christmas.
I know I am a bit but the backstory makes me so cross. im constantly trying tp smooth things over and be supportive and each.time i get a metaphorical slap in the face. :-(

TanteRose Fri 28-Dec-12 04:38:08

so stop trying to smooth things over

she obviously is very resentful of you, but this may change when she has her own baby

just be the bigger person and don't let it get to you smile

RandomMess Fri 28-Dec-12 04:39:31

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Iheartpasties Fri 28-Dec-12 04:44:05

yy ^^

SaraBellumHertz Fri 28-Dec-12 04:52:36

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pamplem0usse Fri 28-Dec-12 05:07:44

I am not wishing for their continued heartbreak that's bollocks. I was semi serious about wanting a month or twos delay. i did not say i didn't want them to have a baby i desperately do. But i'm so so tired of being quizzed about what time my children spend with their gps, of gps being told they need to stop looking after my dc if they want a continued relationship with my sil (incidentally they help our 1 half day / fortnight now im on maternity leave i.e. we all go out together), of having snipes made at what i eat, how i parent, etc. i tried to give my sil a hug yesterday and she ignored me completely. i have done nothing to justify this except for give birth.

FellatioNelson Fri 28-Dec-12 05:10:04

What TanteRose said. TBH if they have been TTC for that long, then there is absolutely no guarantee that they will have a baby by next Christmas anyway and if they do it will be very small, so I imagine she will be the worst of the worst PFB mothers and will probably not want to leave it with MIL to go abroad after all. But she is probably continuing to try to live her live as normal because if she says she can't go to the wedding in case of a baby, and no baby arrives - well, what a depressing way to live your life, always in limbo.

She is being a bitter and slighty hysterical PITA towards you, yes, but just try to stop back and see things from her POV for a bit. You are the lucky one here. She is massively jealous, and who can blame her? Rise above it. Have some good grace about it.

TanteRose Fri 28-Dec-12 05:13:49

Fellatio, one of the issues is that SIL wants MIL to go with them to far-away wedding, as a nanny-type arrangement, thereby depriving OP's DCs of their gran for Xmas

pamplemousse - why would you try and hug someone who snipes at you the whole time? disengage, disengage, disengage...

dolcelatte Fri 28-Dec-12 05:14:26

You sound smug to me. The impression is that you are envious of their successful careers but console yourself by feeling superior because you are the only one who has'succeeded' in giving birth. I don't think you want them to conceive at all and enjoy scoring points over them wherever possible, as well as not wanting your DC to have competition; no wonder they want to avoid you, I would.

FernandoIsFaster Fri 28-Dec-12 05:16:25

You do know a 1yo and 3yo won't give a shit whether their grandparents are there at Christmas or not? The 1yo has no concept of Christmas and I don't think in amongst the Christmas present opening madness your 3yo will be saying 'If only granny was here' hmm

Don't pretend it's about the children, it's about you - you want the grandparents there and are using the children as an excuse. I would suggest that YABU and very selfish.

FellatioNelson Fri 28-Dec-12 05:26:15

Oh I see, I though you meant have the baby, so she wouldn't be able to lavish so much attention on yours. Well I don't think it would matter really, in the scheme of things would it? Plenty of people cannot have their relatives with them every Christmas, and your children are so small they won't remember or care anyway. I think you have got yourself worked up over the way SIL has been towards you and you want to have a dig back. I don't think this is about your children at all, really.

I agree she sounds foul towards you, but honestly if you make this all about you/your children you will be being just as childish. Rise above it! she may not even get that baby in 2013. Which would be very sad, and much tougher for her to live with than you not having granny around next Christmas.

FellatioNelson Fri 28-Dec-12 05:28:37

Although I agree that needing to take your mother on holiday with you just so you can go to a wedding and have the baby looked after seems a bit OTT. Perhaps it is a child free wedding. In which case if I were her I'd just not commit to going until nearer the time. No baby, go. Baby, don't go.

But whatever she decides, it's really not worth you getting your knickers in a twist over it.

pamplem0usse Fri 28-Dec-12 05:29:54

I have my own successful career, thanks!
I don't feel superior at all: it took us several years to conceive our own DC1 and DC2 has significant medical issues that have contributed to PND on my part. I find child-rearing very tough but I love my children with all my heart. I have no parents therefore my DC do have a close relationship with my PIL and one I encourage. They're lovely people. And my DD does ask to see granny; and thankfully also her Aunt and Uncle (her Uncle, my BIL has acknowledged her wife's difficulty, some of the things we've got it in the neck for were done on his advice).
I have not and would not ever be anything but supportive to my BIL and SIL directly. Perhaps that makes me two-faced. Perhaps AIBU was not the place to vent, my real-life friends who know SIL and BIL are very supportive (my SIL for instance once commented at my DD's birthday party about one of the other children being ugly.... it was audible to her parents. I could just have cried at some of the comments made over Christmas.

pamplem0usse Fri 28-Dec-12 05:31:23

I'm sorry. IABU. I don't have my own parents so I've borrowed someone else's and the potential for them not being around is quite tough.

TanteRose Fri 28-Dec-12 05:31:46

dolce I do get a sniff of this from the OP

all the hugs and smoothing over might come across as rather condescending, and that's why SIL feels like she does

mellowcat Fri 28-Dec-12 05:33:33

Doesn't Granny get a say in this? If she didn't want to go then surely she would say so, personally I would jump at the chance at experiencing Christmas on the other side of the world.

pamplem0usse Fri 28-Dec-12 05:49:59

Tante it was a 'hello Happy Christmas' hug. As regards the smoothing over I'm not quite sure what else I could've done???? I didn't want to be the cause of family disharmony by being deliberately mean????
And you're wrong, I'd love DN and DNs, the more children the better as far as I'm concerned. But I would miss my MIL incredibly at Christmas. Extensive psychiatric treatment for my mother meant I didn't get to experience family Christmas's before. And my DD would genuinely miss her Granny.

pamplem0usse Fri 28-Dec-12 05:50:58

Granny does clearly get a say and obviously I'd encourage her to go. But I'm still allowed to feel a little sad. It's a slightly complicated situation as SIL has threatened to cut off contact if Granny keeps doing things for my DC.

TanteRose Fri 28-Dec-12 06:01:47

yeah but, why would you want to hug her, if she is the sort of person who threatens to do ridiculous/mean spirited things...

just be civil to the woman - no more, no less

and I am sorry to hear about your mum - you are lucky to have such a lovely MIL smile

you are still being U about the Xmas baby/wedding thing

whattodoo Fri 28-Dec-12 06:18:29

Poor Granny.

She's obviously a lovely lady who you adore. But maybe your sil is jealous that you've taken her mother too, because you've managed to have children and need a mother figure as you sadly no longer have your own mum.

I can see that your sil has been hurtful, but it is VU to wish her not to get pregnant in the short/medium term

TanteRose Fri 28-Dec-12 06:22:57

actually, I don't think the SIL is the daughter - she is married to MIL's other son (OP's DH's brother) , right OP?

IceNoSlice Fri 28-Dec-12 06:24:17

As others have said YABU about the Christmas wedding thing.

But if you had left that bit out, also left out the bit about hoping they are delayed conceiving, but just said all the stuff about SIL being mean to you then YWBNU to be upset. She must be so sad about not yet getting PG and it must be so hard for her seeing you and her DPs with your DC. But that doesn't mean you can't also feel upset about her treatment of you.

From your subsequent posts I think you know this and are actually dealing with this in the best way in RL, sounds like you just wanted to let off steam?

pamplem0usse Fri 28-Dec-12 06:47:18

Yes we're married to brothers, i.e. she's my husband's brother's wife.
Sorry I can see that I was being unreasonable :-( 4am feeding related mental fuzz and all that.

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