Apparently I'm a bastard...

[WhoPutTheDickOnTheSnowman]

So Christmas plans have been made here months in advance to fit around work plans and the plans of both families.

Relevent part is visiting DHs family after Boxing day this year, usually we split Christmases between mine/his family (so each set of GPs gets the kids on the day - our families don't mix...ahem) and this year would be their Boxing day visit - a much missed family member is coming back to the UK and is going to be at my families xmas camp for boxing day this year -I wanted to see him and so did DH; he rang his parents (about September) to chat about this and ask if they minded and what they would prefer to do visiting wise, they were welcome to our house, we could visit another day whatever. PILs said not fussed as SIL would be down for the whole holiday so could just do 'second Christmas' all got arranged remarkably smoothly.

Today MIL phones up and says we must come on Boxing day or not at all, it's their right to see the DCs and this year is their Boxing day visit. My family are monopolising us again and she just wont stand for being treated so badly because I don't like them. After about 10 minutes of arsiness I tried to ask why the change of heart, I never meant it to be malicious it was purely circumstance that we could see relative for the first time in ages as he won't be back next year on 'my' Christmas. Even after explaining the DC would be very hurt and sad if they couldn't see PIL as they look forward to their visits (which is what she claimed to want all along) she said it was tough and she would explain why it was me that made them upset by being such a manipulative bastard (bastard, really!) and trying to cut PILs out. I just hung up at this point because I am not standing for that. The DC will be upset either way - not seeing uncle or not seeing nanny and grandpa, I have only recently told them he's coming as I thought it was all planned and he wanted to Skype them about the visit.

The point is - she's right I don't like them. They're horrible people that treated DH very badly and still do to a certain, now limited, extent. They were fuckers to me until I told her to wind her neck in. The ONLY reason we still see them is because they are actually nice grandparents and haven't started any BS with the children. The children love their GPs and DH and I are willing to see them and be nice to facilitate the relationship. I left the choice to DH and support his decision (which I wouldn't have if the DC were at risk of toxicity if I'm honest).
I have a similar set up in that I stopped contact with my father and my mum is 'limited access only' but the rest of my family are great. They love us and welcome DH with open arms. They love him and he them, he has independant relationships with them to so it's not only through me that he sees them. He has become number 2 son. He prefers to see my lot and would gladly spend all the holidays etc with them and not see his family.

Now I don't really know what to do - I want to call her on it and tell her to fuck off then, Dh is in general agreement but a little more ambivalent about it. He's torn, of course he is. But then I think I really don't want to hurt my children just because MIL is an arse. I have said we will not change the plans now, MIL will not be speaking to DCs as I'm fairly sure she will break her no BS track record and we re-visit it when she's calmed down.

What do I do? Either she will refuse to see them to punish us by making my DC upset or she will go completely the other way but only if we cave and do Boxing day.
I really don't want to make amends and upset the people that support us most to get her back on side.
I don't want to hurt my children and DH by pre-empting her decision (to punish or not punish) and telling her to jump.
If she doesn't get her way she will be awful - but not to my children just to us, I can fudge the truth a bit so DC not upset because as long as MIL is pacified she won't disabuse them of the lie. But even if I pretend it's for a good reason our DC will still be punished indirectly - this says all I think I need to know but...

AIBU to tell her we are not going to see them again because of her continued behaviour, even though this too will upset our DC and DH probably after the relief, or am I treating the GP/DC's good bond with too little respect because of my personal opinion of them?

Thank you for reading my novella
The Christmas Bastard.

[TheUnsinkableTitanic]

could you rock up to their house on xmas eve and take the wind out of her sails
an impromptu visit?

[ImperialSantaKnickers]

I think you should stick to your original plan. If she is truly desperate to see her dgcs, she will back down. It may be not until next year though. Leave avenues open, perhaps through DH.

[VBisme]

I know you've been doing your best to facilitate contact between your DCs and their GP, but given her attitude I'd just tell them to fuck off.

[BeaWheesht]

No bloody way I'd be going on boxing day and if she blamed it on you to your children then I'd say she doesn't deserve to see them anyways.

[LordFlasheartsCrackingNuts]

ha ha, I'm a Christmas bastard too, whoput.

apparently I own Christmas. Oh yes.

In your case i think i would be saying 'sorry you feel like that, but i made these plans in September, and you agreed them then. Sorry you have changed your mind'

[SantasENormaSnob]

Honestly? I wouldn't speak to her again. She could get to fuck and I wouldn't think twice about it.

How long til she starts manipulating your dc?

[DancingInTheMoonlight]

I think you may be seeing the start of her toxic behaviour with your dc's. Are they now old enough for her to manipulate? I think if be telling her to fuck off to the far side of fuck and using her own admission of her plan to troll them it was all your fault to limit/stop future contact.

The children may be upset but will they not be more upset if she starts her toxic nonsense with them?

[nilbyname]

She is being awful, and given that this was all arranged in September you have every right to tell her to do one!

Tell DH to ring her up, back you up, calmly explain again and then tell her how disappointing it is that she is making all this fuss, that she is only hurting herself and causing misery for herself. The kids will bounce back. If she wants to play games, she will be playing solitaire as you will not engage in her manipulations and neither will the kids.

[HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly]

Don't change your plans. If you do that, she'll never stop trying to manipulate and bully you.

She's testing the water. Having had to back off because you called her on it, she's now putting out the feelers again.

If you give in to this, she will do it again. And again. And again.

You need to say well, that's your choice of course. We agreed to do it this way months ago and we're not changing it now. And don't you ever call me a bastard again.

And go ahead with your plans.

[ilikemysleep]

At this point I would hand contact and negotiation to dh and stay out of telling them anything. It's his family, so the two of you discuss it, make an agreement, and he should contact them and inform them of the outcome. You will inevitably be the bad guy anyway but at least this way she will know you are not making unilateral decisions or forcing dh along. I might add that dh needs to step up to the plate and support his family (ie you and kids).

[TeamBacon]

Stick to your original plans, definitely.

She'll either back down, and you'll go and see her as originally planned, or she won't and you'll have saved your DC from visiting the controlling wench.

Sounds like she thinks you have all the power and is throwing her weight around

[TeamBacon]

Or what HEC said

[SavoyCabbage]

Don't let her be in charge of your own family.

I would start having your own Christmas from next year, making your own traditions for your dc to get excited about so that you don't have to think about how she can upset your children. Get an elf, put your tree up on a certain day every year, watch the snowman every Christmas eve and crack open the Roses.

[CailinDana]

I don't mean this in a critical way, because I can see what you mean about wanting to facilitate the relationship between your DCs and their GPs, but it always seems unfair to me when adults expect children to have a relationship with people whom they know are nasty idiots. A lot of nasty idiots are pretty ok with small children but usually as the children get older and more opininonated their true colours start to show through and then the child has to deal with their love and attachment to someone who treats them like shit.

My point is, you know what the PILs are like. They are NOT good GPs if they are calling their DCs mother a "bastard" over nothing and threatening not to see the DCs because of some nasty agenda they have. You knew they were like this before you every allowed your DCs to become attached to them, and now chances are the DCs are going to feel the brunt of their awful behaviour, just as your poor DH has had to for so long and just as you have had the pleasure of experiencing in the last few years.

IMO as a parent it's your job to protect your children from people who might hurt them. You need to judge who is right to have a relationship with them. It seems like your PILs made the grade just from the fact that they were related to your DH. Which I can understand, a lot of people have trouble getting even the nastiest parents out of their life, but now is the time to realise it was a bad choice and put an end to it.

[WhoPutTheDickOnTheSnowman]

Sorry not ignoring everyone - got the rages so went to let the dog out!

Hooray for all the bastards, don't mind joining the club now!

Some very pertinent points raised that I have thought about- yes, I think it may well be the start of shennanigans with the DC, she really seemed to have stuck to the shit mother/ great gran style though. Feel let down and foolish to have supported the growth of a good relationship with the DC - I should have seen it coming and feel like I've done them wrong by letting it get to this point instead of keeping it cool so they would hardly notice if we stopped seeing them.

DH will back us, to the hilt, and speak to them but it's just so painful for him - I think he was getting some of the maternal stuff her craved from her through her good relationship with DCs. I think he needed it more than he will admit. I really do feel like a bastard for taking that away. Even though it isn't me it's her. I do guide things more in this respect because as vigilant as he tries to be, he's got a weak spot after all the years of being the scape goat - he has the FOG. Although it has lifted considerably in the time we've been together.
Except now it will all be my bastarding bastard fault. Cow.

[ZombiesAreClammyDodgers]

bruxeur isn't that a bit violent, even in jest?

[WitchOfEndor]

I would tell her you aren't going to change your plans and that any attempt to manipulate your children will be met by a lack of contact. You need to set expectations here about how this relationship with your DCs and ILs is going to work. They have to understand that any attempt to manipulate the DCs has a zero tolerance response. This is how you protect your DCs, regardless of how much they love their GPs.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

And this is why we don't do "your Christmas, my Christmas"....

And exactly what HEC said

[BlatherskitedaboutChristmas]

Turn it around. Get DH to phone her and day that as she has been verbally abusive to you, you will be refusing to visit her on Boxing day. Make it her fault.

She'll feel like an arse for shooting herself in the foot and you can see your DBro

[bruxeur]

No.

[WhoPutTheDickOnTheSnowman]

Cailin - sorry I was typing so didn't see your post.
In part yes you are correct however - they are very good with both SIL and her children. Hers are older than ours and it was and still is fine.
DH found this aspect difficult to navigate when PILs made overtures to DCs and behaved, mostly.
Should I have stopped them being able to get the love and support they have had from their family on that side. Quite possibly. Did I? No.

[MrsMangoGingerbreadhouse]

It is NOT your fault OP. Your MIL is trying to change the plans, and acting like a dick when you won't just give in. You are not responsible for her behaviour. I'm blessed in that my PIL are lovely, but if they were happy to threaten to upset my DD, swore at me and called me names, they wouldn't see us for dust. Your MIL knows you won't stand for it, and she is still acting that way. It is her decision to create this situation, not yours.

LordFlasheartsCrackingNuts, thank you for letting us share in Christmas. You should be collecting royalties surely?

[ZombiesAreClammyDodgers]

There's a recent news article bruxeur where it actually happened to a young woman and they had to remove most of her intestines.
So I do find your comment offensive.

[SleighbellsRingInYourLife]

"it always seems unfair to me when adults expect children to have a relationship with people whom they know are nasty idiots."

This

Normal grandparents don't go on about their "rights" to see children.