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to think my husband should help out at home?

(40 Posts)
wewereherefirst Thu 22-Nov-12 11:25:54

My husband works a 4days working, 4 days off shift cycle, AIBU to expect him to muck in with the housework/shopping/cooking when he's on days off?

I wouldn't expect him to do it all, just maybe take the bins out when they need emptied, put some clothes away and tidy up instead of watching TV all the time.

FredFredGeorge Thu 22-Nov-12 11:26:27

YABU, he deserves a rest the poor soul.

pumpkinsweetie Thu 22-Nov-12 11:27:44

He should help out on his days off! Yanbu

ShamyFarrahCooper Thu 22-Nov-12 11:27:50

YANBU. It's not 'helping' either. It's being a responsible grown up. It would take him seconds to do some of the above.

You are not his maid.

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Thu 22-Nov-12 11:28:41

No!!! YANBU!!! why doesn't he help? do you ask him, or are you just huffing about? tell him to get off his arse!!

TalesFromTheCryptoFascist Thu 22-Nov-12 11:29:49

4 days off is pretty luxurious. Do you ever get 4 days off housework? I bet you don't.

It's not "helping" when it's his own house. He needs to do his fair share.

wewereherefirst Thu 22-Nov-12 11:30:19

Fred- when do I get a rest then?

Alien- I've asked, told, begged, shouted and huffed. He may do something once and never again!

ivanapoo Thu 22-Nov-12 11:31:10

Did he help before you were married, out of interest?

You know YANBU.

mrskeithrichards Thu 22-Nov-12 11:31:22

Sounds like a real catch.

Have you tried speaking to him about it calmly?

ivanapoo Thu 22-Nov-12 11:32:38

Pretty sure Fred was joking.

Can you draw up a rota/ task list? I know that's super nag-tastic but it might open his eyes to what needs doing.

Do you work? Would you like to?

valiumredhead Thu 22-Nov-12 11:33:57

Ha! My dh has worked shifts for years, he would KILL for 4 days on and 4 days off! He used to work 7 nights of 12 hours and then straight back onto 'days.'

He still managed to take the bin out. IF he had 4 days off he would have been doing a LOT more!

MrsMangoBiscuit Thu 22-Nov-12 11:34:06

YABU to ask him to "help" as it's not your job.
YADNBU to expect him to pull his weight and do his fair share, afterall, it's his responsibilty too.

That said, do you have children to look after too? If not, I reckon you could get everything done in four days while he's at work, then you can have four days off too.

If you are looking after children too, then he either needs to muck in, or he needs to do everything for 2 days so you can both have 2 days off each.

MrsMangoBiscuit Thu 22-Nov-12 11:37:09

By the way, if anyone has an infallible way of getting their household-work-dodging-OH to pull their weight and stick to it, please let me know! My DH does a couple of weeks of doing his share, then slips, slowly into doing naff all again, until I notice and start nagging. Does my bloody head in! angry

Purple2012 Thu 22-Nov-12 11:39:00

My husband does the majority of the cleaning and the odd small shop. I do the big shops, all of the cooking and food prep, and the washing. We pretty much share the ironing and washing up. We are both working full time shift work so it works for us.

Oh and I do all the Xmas/birthday shopping. All he has to do is buy my presents. I probably do a bit more than him, but his shifts are worse than mine.

valiumredhead Thu 22-Nov-12 11:39:07

Do you actually say 'Come and empty this bin?' and does he refuse or do you just moan about general stuff. I found I had to be pretty specific before it became the norm.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Thu 22-Nov-12 11:40:53

By the way, if anyone has an infallible way of getting their household-work-dodging-OH to pull their weight and stick to it, please let me know!

Teach the cat to piss on their pillow on your command

maillotjaune Thu 22-Nov-12 11:41:30

YANBU to expect him to do stuff. Talk to him but please don't say he should "help", as it isn't all "your" work to do in the first place.

Adults should take responsibility for contributing to the overall work involved in a household, for want if a better word.

Chandon Thu 22-Nov-12 11:41:56

Yes being specific helps, but when I said this on another thread I was told that I am training my DH like a dog and I might as well LTB!

MrsMangoBiscuit Thu 22-Nov-12 11:45:54

Does anyone have a well trained cat I can borrow? grin

Babybeargrylls Thu 22-Nov-12 11:48:44

completely agree with Shamey- it is just being responsible. I have never understood why a man can go out to work and then do NOTHING of use when he gets home. Fair enough in the olden days when men were down pits or in satanic mills etc and it was hard physical labour but my OH drives, sits in an office and drives home again. He may be 'tired' but a little housework would surely invigorate him and provide some physical exercise...

maillotjaune Thu 22-Nov-12 11:51:15

When I went on maternity leave first time we talked about who would do what. Then changed when I went back to work.

We are flexible (so I don't normally do all the bin stuff the night before collection but would if DH was stuck with a toddler refusing to sleep, and although we usually do our own ironing he will do mine if I'm busy) but I suppose the point is that we discussed it. I don't know what yo suggest if your partner doesn't get that it is his responsibility although I like the cat idea. grin

MrsHoarder Thu 22-Nov-12 11:56:24

valiumredhead the OP would NBU even if she didn't ever comment. There are 2 adults who should see that work needs doing. Its not helping, she is not is mother and shouldn't have to nag him to do chores.

Of course there is no actual solution if a reasonable and calm conversation has failed unless the household income will stand a cleaner.

wewereherefirst Thu 22-Nov-12 11:56:30

I don't work, but do have two lively and non sleeping DC's. He never really helped before, but he worked away for a while and did a strenuous shift working job before that so I didn't expect as much. His current job can still leave him shattered as its an emergency service so I don't mind when he's come off nights and is fucked and I wouldn't expect him to do stuff until he's rested up

He was a single father before we met and was capable of keeping a tidy house but he seems to think that as I'm at home all the time, its all down to me. I'm a very literal person so I do say 'take the bin out, now please' but he will still stuff things in until it overflows and i want to thwack him round the head with it or until I say 'I'll empty the fucking bin as the baby is trying to eat the contents' where he may say he'll do it.

Do cats work? He hates cats so maybe borrowing one may work grin

valiumredhead Thu 22-Nov-12 12:01:47

mrsH where did I say she was being unreasonable to comment? confused

I completely agree he needs to do his fair share - but he isn't and 'nagging' hasn't worked so far. So I asked if he flat out refuses to help when she is specific - because for me that would be a deal breaker because I wouldn't want to be with anyone who wouldn't pull their weight.

valiumredhead Thu 22-Nov-12 12:02:24

And getting a cleaner because a husband is a lazy arse is NOT the solution imo.

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