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To want to stop "sharing" DS at Christmas- Long

(53 Posts)
Goodbyetonsils Wed 07-Nov-12 17:22:36

Ds' father left me when I was pregnant. Since then, he has had ds stay with him for 4 days a month (he lives a couple of hours away). I grew up with a father and really wanted ex involved as much as possible.

My ds does not want to see his dad, he is 4, tells me his dad hits him (which I'm sure he doesn't, ds wants me to stop "making" him go to his dads), he is hysterical every time he has to go.

Since ds began school, he now sees his df for a weekend a month- ex says he cannot afford to have him every other month (travel costs) despite visiting his long distance girlfriend far more often. He has no contact with ds in between visits- health visitors have told him how important it is to make contact with ds to help him to be less anxious about seeing him. I have begged him to make more of an effort, we got Skype but after a few weeks he always says his internet won't work/he's busy etc.

He didn't attend ds' parents evening (said he had no money), doesn't want any input in decisions (for e.g. when choosing what school to send ds to he told me to sort it out as he "trusted" my judgement). Doesn't attend important doctors appointments, saying he can't miss uni or can't afford it. He won't get a job because he is in uni- despite many other students manage it- he is exempt from having to contribute financially. Bascially he plays dad for 2 days a month.

However, he always has been adamant we should share christmas' with ds and alternate. We have done this since ds was born as I really wanted ds and his dad to have a good relationship. It's also ex's birthday on christmas day. However I'm feeling increasingly unsure about this. AIBU to think if ex leaves every other aspect of ds' care to me why should I sacrifice every other christmas with ds? Ds doesn't want to go.

gymboywalton Wed 07-Nov-12 17:29:06

i wouldn't if i were you
no f'ing way

how can you be so sure that he doesn't hit your son? if your son is so unhappy about going to see him, there must be something going on surely?

fatcuntroller Wed 07-Nov-12 17:35:40

Yanbu at all. And how can you be so sure he isn't hitting your son?

Bogeyface Wed 07-Nov-12 17:37:35

I wouldnt be so quick to write off your sons comments about being hit.

You're not there, you dont know for sure and 4 years arent generally clever enough to come up with a lie like that.

I think that your son may be being abused and you are ignoring it sad

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 07-Nov-12 17:38:10

Why are you assuming your DS is lying to you about being hit?

No father is better than one who makes you anxious and hits you.

missymoomoomee Wed 07-Nov-12 17:38:14

Dads should absolutely have equal rights, children should have a total right to see their Dads. This, however, isn't equal and your son doesn't want to see him anyway.

He's not bothering his ass most of the year and then demanding xmas days. Tell him to fuck off unless he starts making an effort for the rest of the time.

I would also be inclined to believe your son about the hitting. It seems strange he wouldn't want to see his Dad unless something is going on.

Kalisi Wed 07-Nov-12 17:38:33

I think you're concerned about the wrong thing here tbh. From what I have just read, it sounds like you should be concentrating on figuring out why your ds does not want to visit his father rather than how 'fair' it is to have custody over Christmas.

Goodbyetonsils Wed 07-Nov-12 17:40:33

Ds has occasionally told me my friend who has been is same room as me just hit him, he seems to say it when he doesn't like someone... I guess because ex has maintained that contact (of 4 days a month and now 2) I feel this is more than many absent fathers. I try to give him the benefit of doubt, for instance he says he can't get a job as no employer would accept he needs a weekend off every month... Is that realistic? He is very manipulative and I guess in a way he still manages to manipulate me.

McChristmasPants2012 Wed 07-Nov-12 17:41:11

Why don't you belive your child about his father hitting him.

MyLastDuchess Wed 07-Nov-12 17:41:19

YANBU. Being a parent isn't just about Christmas. And why would DS want to spend Christmas with someone he hardly knows?

If your ex will come and spend Christmas with you and DS then I'd say maybe. But sending him away from you to be with a relative stranger who can't even be arsed to help choose his school ... forget it.

(My parents split up when I when young and always made important decisions together, and made it clear to me that I was very important to them both. Your ex is doing the opposite.)

AllThatGlistens Wed 07-Nov-12 17:43:10

Completely unrealistic and incredibly manipulative. Of course 4 year olds will sometimes tell tall tales but I would still be very wary of dismissing what your DS is telling you entirely out of hand, he is clearly distressed at the thought of visiting his dad, I'd be honestly concerned and paying close attention to that.

Whoknowswhocares Wed 07-Nov-12 17:43:35

You're son is hysterical when he has to see his dad. He tells you that ex hits him. Yet your post is all about concern over YOUR sacrifice and angst in having to share DS at Christmas?
Get a grip woman and start looking at the big picture!

PastaDee Wed 07-Nov-12 17:43:53

YANBU. I wouldn't want to share Christmas either in these circumstances.

MrsDeVere Wed 07-Nov-12 17:50:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goodbyetonsils Wed 07-Nov-12 17:51:42

I have been concerned hence my talks with health visitors, also began videoing my ds' reaction each month, as solicitor told me it's very hard to prove anything unless ds actually had an injury which he hasn't. Stuck between a rock and hard place atm.

Blu Wed 07-Nov-12 17:52:19

Going off to spend a weekend with someone you haven't seen for 3 weeks, and away from your own home is a big thing for a 4 year old, and I can understand him being upset. I don't think he should be separated from his Mum and permanent home at Christmas. I think your ex needs to see this more from your DS's pov. But I don't know how best to persuade him of that.

But say no to Christmas for starters.

RedHelenB Wed 07-Nov-12 17:52:54

My ds makes a fuss sometimes about seeing his dad but his sisters tell me he's fine when he's there. Sometimes you do need to take things with a pinch of salt, children can be reluctant to leave what they are doing to get ready to go somewhere. As to Christmas, then i think you need to discuss it between you, any chance of boxing day being an alternative Christmas for ex & ds for example?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 07-Nov-12 18:01:31

Well he could always try getting a job that doesn't involve weekends...?

I think you would be perfectly reasonable to keep him at home over Christmas. Poor little chap being sent away to someone he doesn't want to spend time with sad

Goodbyetonsils Wed 07-Nov-12 18:02:19

Thank you for your replies, it's more than him not wanting to leave what he is doing- he has a very strong reaction. On the rare occasion I have seen ds with his dad for an hour or so ds is very quiet and tearful, acts scared of ex. If he cries- ex screams at him, and poor ds tries so hard to hold it in for fear of ex shouting again. Infuriating, and ex will not listen to a word I say. Legally, very difficult to prove anything.

Whoknowswhocares Wed 07-Nov-12 18:07:28

Stuff legally! Let him take you to court if he wants to or insist on supervised contact.
Just protect your son from potential harm. It's bad enough that he appears terrified of his dad when you have seen them together. FGS don't allow home to go again without a fight!

YourHandInMyHand Wed 07-Nov-12 18:08:14

Do you have contact formalised eg a court order?

This current situation is not working and your last post at 18:02 makes me even more inclined to be concerned about your DS. You have seen him scream at your 4 year old who seems afraid of him!

His job line is complete bullshit. Does he not work at all? Irrelevant to contact just wondering.

Xmas seems like a secondary issue but no I would not send my DS to spend xmas with someone he is afraid of. Fuck that! He could take me to court over it if he was desperate. Though from the sounds of it I doubt he'd bother to.

SamSmalaidh Wed 07-Nov-12 18:11:55

If you stopped sending your DS do you think his dad would go to court for contact?

I wouldn't send your DS there for Christmas - he should be somewhere he is happy!

Goodbyetonsils Wed 07-Nov-12 18:15:31

He is at uni full time. The thing that has stopped me taking it further, along with solicitor saying I can't prove anything is ds does come home happy. When ds visits him, he stays with his girlfriend and her family- who my ds seems fond of. He is not often alone with his dad.

However everyone's responses have made me more inclined to put my foot down. I guess after speaking with solicitor I felt backed into a corner with no choice but to send him. Videoing ds' reaction is the only "proof" I have of his distress. Health visitor advised me to get as much evidence as possible, keeping a diary of ds' reaction.

Goodbyetonsils Wed 07-Nov-12 18:16:21

Yes his dad would go to court for sure- he see's ds as some kind of possession that he has "Rights" to as and when he wants.

SamSmalaidh Wed 07-Nov-12 18:17:05

Is there a court order at the moment saying you have to send him, or is this a voluntary agreement you and he have come to?

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