To want to stop "sharing" DS at Christmas- Long

[Goodbyetonsils]

Ds' father left me when I was pregnant. Since then, he has had ds stay with him for 4 days a month (he lives a couple of hours away). I grew up with a father and really wanted ex involved as much as possible.

My ds does not want to see his dad, he is 4, tells me his dad hits him (which I'm sure he doesn't, ds wants me to stop "making" him go to his dads), he is hysterical every time he has to go.

Since ds began school, he now sees his df for a weekend a month- ex says he cannot afford to have him every other month (travel costs) despite visiting his long distance girlfriend far more often. He has no contact with ds in between visits- health visitors have told him how important it is to make contact with ds to help him to be less anxious about seeing him. I have begged him to make more of an effort, we got Skype but after a few weeks he always says his internet won't work/he's busy etc.

He didn't attend ds' parents evening (said he had no money), doesn't want any input in decisions (for e.g. when choosing what school to send ds to he told me to sort it out as he "trusted" my judgement). Doesn't attend important doctors appointments, saying he can't miss uni or can't afford it. He won't get a job because he is in uni- despite many other students manage it- he is exempt from having to contribute financially. Bascially he plays dad for 2 days a month.

However, he always has been adamant we should share christmas' with ds and alternate. We have done this since ds was born as I really wanted ds and his dad to have a good relationship. It's also ex's birthday on christmas day. However I'm feeling increasingly unsure about this. AIBU to think if ex leaves every other aspect of ds' care to me why should I sacrifice every other christmas with ds? Ds doesn't want to go.

[lashingsofbingeinghere]

Sorry, a few cross posts there.

[lots33]

OP, if there is no contact order then the onus is on your ex to make an application for contact and the court would then appoint a child's guardian from CAFCASS to make a recommendation, following an assessment, about what is in your son's best interests - which I am not sure is unsupervised contact with his dad given what you have told us. In your position, I would be suspending contact or seeking a third party to supervise.

[Goodbyetonsils]

It is a solicitors agreement but not a court order, if that makes sense?

[ImperialBlether]

You have seen your ex screaming at your child, seen your child frightened of him, heard your son say he's being hit and you're worried about losing Christmas?

Your ex can say what he wants and threaten what he wants. The fact is the only time he wants his child there is at Christmas. Tell him it's not happening and please, please go for supervised visits.

[CremeEggThief]

Please listen to your son. Contact is meant to be about what is best for the child, and from your posts, this doesn't seem to be what's happening.

YANBU about Christmas.

[Mousefunk]

it must be soo hard sending him somewhere he doesn't want to go, I really feel for you because you're clearly trying really hard to do the right thing here...

I get really angry when parents don't make the effort to see their kids. Two days a month is naff, its not enough and by the sounds of it there's no real excuse. Sounds to me like he just wants to play daddy when it suits him and that isn't fair. He, rather sadly, doesn't seem to be so interested in your DS.. Not even finding the time to skype him ffs.. if he cared he'd insist on phoning/skyping as often as he can. I mean can you even imagine only being able to see DS twice a month? You'd want to be in touch as much as possible.

Also you cannot be certain DS is lying about the hitting.. As a child that was there my dad didn't believe me and I still resent him for it now. So tread carefully there.

You sound like a very reasonable person. If it were me I wouldn't be having any of it and tbh i'd have said 'make more of an effort or bye bye' and if he hadn't then bye. Kids deserve both parents but only if both parents equally bring them up and love them, not some guy who is practically a stranger really and pops up twice a month/isn't even arsed to go to parents evenings and what have you. When it comes to a child's happiness there can be no room for errors, you can seriously mess up their mental health long term.

I'd confront him head on and give him ultimatum- you make more of an effort or i'm afraid you're gone. Sounds like DS would be quite happy with the latter really..

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

He wouldn't be having him again without a court order. I seriously doubt he'll bother himself to get one.

[Mousefunk]

just read about him screaming at DS, fuck that i'd be having none of it, perhaps i'm just harsh but noone upsets my kids and gets away with it..

[JoshLyman]

I would not send my child to stay with someone he is scared of. He gets hysterical before he goes? That's not right.

[AllThatGlistens]

That's really disturbing! You've actually witnessed him screaming at your little boy yourself, let it go to court!

If his reactions are that extreme there's absolutely no way he should be having unsupervised contact with your ex until you and the court are satisfied he isn't coming to any harm.

You, as his mother are well within your rights to do this. Make sure your little boy is safe above all else, he's still so small.

[PropertyNightmare]

Yanbu at all. He does not get to choose when to 'play' dad. Especially when it eats into something as special as your Christmas with your son. He would be taking a running jump at Xmas if he was my ex. He needs to man up before you can take him seriously.

[TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat]

I was just about to come on here and say I know how you feel as I have to do it so suck it up but after reading your posts

Fuck that OP. I'm with you and everyone else on this one.

[DaveMccave]

YANBU!!

My DD's dad has her 2 nights a week, and there's no way he'd have her at christmas.

Unless the other parent has the child for 50% of the time (including equal share of school runs and early mornings and boring midweek bed times-not just lots of holidays), pays for the child 50-50, takes time of work and equal amount of time as you etc then no way hose. Why should they get equal share of the best and most fun day of the year to parent?! ha! no.

The distance is not an excuse, like you say he could speak to him regularly and doesn't, but if he really cared more he would move closer and share the mundane stuff.

[Bogeyface]

If you know that this is happening and you do nothing to stop it then under the law you are just as culpable as he is, do you understand that?

If anything happened to your child and you knew he was at risk when you sent him to his dads then the law would not look kindly on you. Women have had their children removed from them when they wouldnt kick out an abusive man.

The bottom line is that you are just as much to blame for the abuse as your ex, if you do nothing to keep your son safe.

[Goodbyetonsils]

Thank you for your replies, am I able to ask cafcass to speak with my ds before he tries to get a court order? Bogeyface I have spoken with my solicitor, he said unless there was proof court wouldn't stop contact. At the time, he was driving ds and I was trying to get a legal ruling that he couldn't- after 4 crashes (when sober) and me witnessing him drink driving- however because he was never prosecuted I was told this wouldn't be issued either. I now drive ds to his dad's as legally nothing I could do.

I feel like the law is not supportive in our situation whatsoever as I have no proof of anything. Because of ds' age, I was told his wishes not to see his dad wouldn't be upheld as he isn't old enough to make his own decisions I'm wondering about seeking advice from a new solicitor?

[lovebunny]

if your child is hysterical at the thought of going to see his dad, why do you let him go? stop.

[apostropheuse]

That poor child!

Hell would freeze over before I let him go to that man without a fight. Your son is crying out for help and you NEED to respond. I would point blank refuse and let him go take me to court.

It's just wrong that a little boy, barely more than a baby, is being forced into something which terrifies him like that on a regular basis. He has nobody who's going to stand up for him.

Just awful.

[Kalisi]

Ofcourse there is something you can do! NOTHING.
Don't take your son to see him
Don't arrange visits
Don't contact him

If he wants to see his son then he needs to get off his arse and arrange contact through legal means. If and when he does this, then you can mention your fears for your sons safety and suggest supervised visits. It's normal for a 4 year old to get upset when leaving home but hysterical? Afraid? Every time? Not ok. Please don't take ds there again.

[mummytime]

You might also want to find a better solicitor.

[Bogeyface]

I agree with doing NOTHING.

He may soon change his tune about taking you to court when he realises how long it takes, and more importantly, how much it costs.

[SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR]

DUmp your solicitor and stop sending your poor little boy to see this shitbag man. If he does apply for contact via the courts you can object, get a better solicitor, insist on supervised contact, stall and stonewall for a good long time.

Also, cut off all contact between yourself and XP apart from email to a dedicated address. Abusive men often fuss about contact as a way to continue harassing women who have dumped them; if you cut off his opportunity to harass you he may well lose interest in DS.

[sashh]

Do you realise that when you saw your ex shouting at your son you witnessed an assault?

You are right in that he sees his son as a possetion, and a way to control you.

Do not let him (ds) spend any more time with this man unless at a supervised place.

[stella1w]

Get a new solicitor. Start documenting everything with dates times etc. Stop sending your son to this man for all reasons on this thread.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Please don't carry on sending your boy to see his father, who doesn't - on the face of it - deserve to see him. Move back to Skype, where you can also be involved and that protects him from physical violence. If this isn't enough, let your ex go to court for a formal agreement; if it peters out, clearly your ex doesn't really want to have contact with his son.

Meanwhile tell your ex - and importantly, tell your son - that you will be having your son for Christmas