To worry about my DD becoming spoilt and entitled

[WhyTheBigPaws]

DD is 10 and is basically a good kid - nice manners, doing OK at school etc etc - but she is becoming very blase about treats, trips out etc and, to use a MN favourite word, a bit 'entitled'. I know some people will think we've created this problem by being typical middle class parents and I don't expect a great deal of sympathy but I would like to know if I'm BU to expect a bit more thought from her.

We're not rich by any means but are OK. We try hard not to spoil DD but like most of our friends we've had a week away in the UK this summer plus a few days out. This means saving throughout the year, juggling annual leave, working hard before and after the holiday to make up for the time off and so on but she doesn't seem to give that any thought, just takes it all for granted and pesters for ice creams, meals out etc on top.

She also seems quite underwhelmed by things we do a lot of the time - eg I got her tickets to one of her favourite bands as a birthday present and we went to the concert on Saturday. I think she enjoyed it but she almost seem to shrug it off as just another trip out, no big deal - she hardly told DH anything about it when we got home and didn't even thank me for taking her.

It's the same with clothes shopping - she's incredibly fussy, even about school stuff, and doesn't seem to realise that buying new uniform costs enough without her pestering for branded trainers and a third new school bag in 4 terms. I expected to have to deal with this when she's a teenager but not at 10!

She's also very reluctant to put much effort into anything, dashes off homework as quickly as she can and never seems to take much trouble over anything. She's much worse at amusing herself in the holidays than she used to be - she'd prefer to sit watching TV for half the day than do anything creative. She will help around the house if nagged but doesn't do it with very good grace. It's as though she expects a nice life without having to do anything to earn it and I don't want her to grow up thinking that's how things are.

I was reassured when I spoke to friends that other kids are similarly thoughtless but I think they are old enough now to understand that nice things are earned and should be appreciated not taken for granted. I don't expect them to start behaving like adults but a little thought would be nice when people are working bloody hard to make life pleasant for them.

I want to address this before it's too late and the new school term seems a good time to introduce some rules/routines but I'm not sure how to go about it. DD can be lovely girl but I'm worried if we don't crack down on this she is going to become a spoilt little madam who expects everything handed to her on a plate.

[Hulababy]

She's she get pocket money? That can be good for showing children the value of how much things cost, savings, etc. DD knows she has to save up, how long it takes, and has to make decisions regarding what she wants due to cost implications.

DD, also 10y, also enjoys doing things which involves window shopping and budgeting. For example we are about to do our family bathroom (which tbh only DD uses, or guests) so she has spent the afternoon with all the brochures we collected at the shop today choosing items she likes, colour schemes for tiling, etc. She has had a budget and spent ages planning it all out and making decisions based on cost etc. Okay, in reality me and Dh will make the final choices next weekend at the store, but it has meant that she doesn't now expect a bathroom full of jacuzzi baths, TVs, sound systems, etc as she now realises how much it all costs.

Clothing we do in a similar way too. We tend to do two big shops (odd in betweens too, but mainly by me, not dd)- one in Atumn and one in summer. We go to the shopping centre with her friend and mum and spend the day there. They have a rough budget idea, then spend the morning looking around, then lunch to consider, and then the afternoon trying on and making final decisions. This way DD knows that she has to make choices and keep to a budget.

We do similar things when it comes to holiday planning, days out, etc.

[LucieMay]

I think you might be expecting too much from a ten year old. Financial worth is a very hard concept for kids to grasp and I'm not fully convinced they do fully grasp it until they start earning money for themselves and can make the link between how long it takes to work to make enough money to buy x, y and z.

[bamboostalks]

I think gratitude is very important and very difficult to instill. Saying thank you nicely, showing appreciation and being charming is something that many children seem to find impossible...including my own dd. When I come across it, it is so disarming. I actually think You have to spend time explicitly role playing this with children. But really, I have no solutions. Bit fed up with it myself.

[A1980]

The value of money might be hard for a 10 year old to grasp but basic manners are not.

If she can't show any enthusiam or even say thank you for her birthday present then that is plain rude. I think you should be telling her if she doesn't say thank you or appreciate these things, you'll stop taking her anywhere until she does say thank you......and mean it.

The expensive school stuff and new bags every five minutes is eay to deal with.....say no. Or she'll have to wait until her birthday or Christmas and it will be one of her presents not something on top of everything else she expects.

[minikimmi]

LucieMay is spot on. Is she an only? I recall this phase well. It was sort of like I couldn't wait for her to be able to do things like shopping trips, lunches, cinema etc not as a baby or toddler but as someone who would value the time/effort/money. Looking back, she was too emotionally immature to attach those adult values to things. I often felt I'd spoiled her, but as she got older it changed. My dd is now 17 and is really grateful for all she has and not entitled at all. Don't worry too much. 10 is a time of great change for kids, physically and mentally. She's got so much going on that what you interpret as being spoiled is probably just absent mindedness on her part.
As she matures emotionally you'll see big changes. High school will help her with this, especially if she meets other kids who are less fortunate.
Don't worry.

[CanoeSlalom]

Is there something you could do towards a charity (maybe your DD could choose one?) to highlight not everyone being as fortunate as ourselves?

[NoComet]

I know exactly where you are coming from OP and I don't know the answer.

I think getting older and being sent off with their own pocket money helps. A DF said pricing things in Sat job hours cured her DD of wanting labeled sports stuff.

We are not private school rich, but well enough off that I generally don't have to say no to reasonable request for clothes, accessories or meals out.
The girls do lots of out of school clubs and trips with school and guides.

We tend to get one week abroad a year.

And no I don't think they begin to realise how far this is away from my childhood.

When I was a child every penny was accounted for, not so much as a cup of tea was bought in a cafe. Clothes were made by mum when we were little and only exactly what was needed when we were older.

Birthday and Xmas presents had to be bikes and cameras and large things. DMum absolutely refused to buy wasteful stocking tat. I still can't!

A few years ago we saved up to go to Disney. At their age i might as well have asked to go to Mars.

They didn't understand the year in my eye watching the fire works at Cinderella's castle. I hope they never will.

Because, there is a flip side to our comfortable off entitled DC and I don't want to go back.

[NoComet]

Tear not year

[Viperidae]

I understand your concern and have been there with both of my 2DCs at different times. I think the fact that you are concerned about it means it is unlikely to happen as you will, no doubt, reinforce good values as she gets older.

Like StarBallBunny I had a childhood without many of the things I wanted so have enjoyed doing the things with DCs that I couldn't do myself as a child but because we have always told them they are very lucky and have asked them, at times, to earn some of those treats they have not grown up entitled.

My 2 are now really appreciative of everything DH and I have done for them. I hope I can reassure you that being comfortably off does not automatically mean your DD will be "spoilt", your values will stop that.

[WhyTheBigPaws]

Yes she is an only but my friends who have various numbers of kids find theirs very similar so I hope it's not down to that.

I think I need to cut the clothes shopping down to one or two trips a year, I thought it would be nice to shop together and choose her things but it's just stressful for both of us.

I do wonder if I expect more adult behaviour than she is capable of but I don't think gratitude is too much to hope for.

We're a bit hit and miss with pocket money, mainly because we don't always feel she deserves it but that might be worth a rethink. I don't like the idea of rewarding her for doing chores because I think she ought to help out as a member of the family as we all do but I would like to link the pocket money to something so she has to 'earn' it rather than just getting it regardless.

Funnily enough she is very generous towards charities, always putting money in collecting boxes and wanting to sponsor animals - pity she isn't so thoughtful to her poor parents!

[DoMeDon]

Agree with Euphemia re pestering

I remember opening xmas presents with DSD one year. I had searched high and low for a green Dora outfit (her fav colour at the time). She tore off paper, pulled a face and threw it down on the floor. She didn't like the shade of green. We stopped opening all presents and had a lovely long breakfast, followed by a chat about being grateful and kind.

I think nipping behaviour in the bud is key, along with modelling good manners and sticking to your guns.

[DoMeDon]

Agree about the chores - never reward for doing them, it should be part of life.

[Hulababy]

We don't link pocket money to chores - housework etc is just part of daily life. TBH these days DD's pocket money isn't really linked to anything, but we do reserve the right to withhold pocket money if we feel she hasn't deserved it due to poor behaviour, etc.

[bumperella]

IMO making shopping a fun treat is a mistake. It suggests that buying stuff=the nest way to have fun/the best "mummy and me" time. Where really for a 10-y-o baking or going outside or cycling or horses or building a den or back-garden camping or whatever should still be fun.

[WhyTheBigPaws]

Euphemia I didn't see your post before I responded - it's interesting that you should say that about pestering, it's one of the things I am strictest about. I don't think I give into it but I am going to think twice in future because if I am giving in I've only got myself to blame really.

Like several other posters we were far from rich growing up - very happy but with hardly any holidays, hand-me-down clothes and an old banger for a car. I think one of the things that winds me up is how much DD has in comparison. I sound like a caricature nagging parent when I start on about 'when I was young...' but honestly she has no idea how lucky she is. I know material things are not everything and we try and spoil her with time as much as 'stuff' to strike a balance.

Despite it sounding as though she has everything, in reality we're quite strict about possessions eg she has a fairly basic phone (because she travels a few miles to school), no games consoles other than a DS her uncle bought her, no TV, a dinosaur of a second hand laptop for school stuff and a very basic iPod. She's an only grandchild so is lucky at Xmas and birthdays but we encourage her to save most of the money she is given - last year she bought her own new bike.

[DoMeDon]

Strict - phone, i-pod, DS, laptop She is VERY lucky

[WhyTheBigPaws]

bumperella you are spot on - I have always looked forward to going shopping with her because I enjoy it myself but you are right that it doesn't send out a very good message and neither of us end up enjoying it because we both have different expectations. I am definitely going to do what Hulababy suggests and do a twice yearly trip with a list of what's needed and a budget, will be much less stressful all round. We do a lot of baking and going for walks together which we both enjoy except when she trashes the kitchen.

[Hulababy]

bumperella - we also do other fun stuff including all the stuff you mention, but I disagree re the clothes shop treat. It's twice a year for us and it has worked very well for the past couple of years. If it was very regular maybe it would be an issue, but thing this works well for us with our 10y. DD is 10y - she needs to be involved in what she is wearing.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

I have an only who is 8 she had had pocket money for 4 years and a performance related element for two years. She really takes a long time to choose what she spends her money on. It is currently a whole mornings trip to spend £4.

[WhyTheBigPaws]

Do you really think so DoMeDon? I agree she's lucky (hence the OP :) ) but most of her friends have got Xboxes or Wiis, multiple TVs and some of them Blackberries and iPhones/iPod Touches. All of her stuff is second hand and ancient or was a gift. She only has a laptop because we are Mac users and I wanted her to have what she uses at school (although typically she is now annoyingly good on my Mac!) and honestly it's on it's last legs, can barely connect to the Internet so she really can only use it for Word/Excel stuff.

[DoMeDon]

I do think she is lucky - I think you sound like a great mum too- DC have so much stuff now and it's hard to be the parent who doesn;t let them have it, especially when friends have even more. Am sure you are on right track

[ohanotherone]

OP you sound lovely. Like Starball I was v. poor as a child. Yet I look back and at that age I was a shit to my parents because I didn't realise just how poor we were. Perhaps because they said no rather than explain why, in case I told people we were poor and then people started calling in the debts and we lost everything.[Their strategy worked] Anyway, my DS is naturally not worldly and if he gets 'wanting' or 'ungrateful' I explain to him why I think it's wrong and bizarrely he gets it. I do think it's a phase for girls as well but I do think that you need to explain in real terms.... eg, Mum works 2 hours to buy that trousers or x to buy y. Simple ways to make them realise that money is earnt and then spent but certainly doesn't come out of thin air and that without hard work that actually these things just don't occur. That's the reality of life and 10 is a good time to start learning about that.

[ParaOlympicpark]

Gosh, I could have written your post.. Same, dd, ten in a few weeks, just the same. Although we are about to buy a new house and will have about ten quid a week to spend so things might change pretty soon.....
For me it's the bedtime chats before she goes to sleep that have an effect, telling her about my childhood (skint) and explaining what we earn vs what things cost.