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AIBU?

not to let dd (12) go into Exeter on her own

75 replies

Jux · 14/10/2011 21:20

entirely on her own - not with friends - for the whole day, so she can sing in the Cathedral?

She's sung there before and will have many other opportunities to do so, it's just that this time there is no one we know/she knows going. I will be in Exeter all day but tied up and unable to look after her, dh has other engagements, which keep him in and round the house all day.

She thinks we're being UR, and dh has been half persuaded (tears etc always work on him). Now I'm wondering if I'm being unnecessarily cruel, I certainly feel like it.

PS We live about 20miles away from Exeter.

OP posts:

Report

alarkaspree · 14/10/2011 21:22

Is she singing with a choir? So she would just have to travel to the cathedral, then there would be people there who she knows keeping an eye on her?

In that case I think I would probably let her, but I don't know Exeter.

troisgarcons · 14/10/2011 21:23

What do you think will happen to her?

You are tied up in Exeter all day, Dh is busy.

What can ahppen to her in Exeter thaat can't happen home alone?

I take it she has a mobile? you are in Exeter, and she can wait for you after?

FabbyChic · 14/10/2011 21:24

She is 12 years old, she is not a baby. You will be in the same City for gods sake. Get a grip on reality, she will be in a safe place you should let her go rather than try to suffocate her.

Children her age go about on their own shopping and on buses.

redskyatnight · 14/10/2011 21:25

How hard would it be for her to get there under her own steam (e.g. is it 1 train, or complicated route involving many changes?) Has she done the journey before? Is she sensible and how would she cope if (e.g.) she did get lost. Presumably the singing is an organised activity - will she be supervised while she is there?

If the journey is ok and/or she's done it before (and she's happy to go on her own) I think I would let her go - plenty of 12 year olds are doing daily trips into big cities to go to school each day.

BOOareHaunting · 14/10/2011 21:26

If your in Exeter anyway why can't she go and return with you and when she's at the Cathedral they'll be other people there.

Sounds like too good an oppotunity for her to miss. I'm pretty sure they don't let just anyone sing there.

ilovesooty · 14/10/2011 21:27

Good grief: I thought you were talking about night time and going there in the dark. Let her go and have a bit of independence instead of mollycoddling her.

squeakytoy · 14/10/2011 21:27

Eh? you are going to be in the same city at the same time... I really dont see why it would be a problem.

seeker · 14/10/2011 21:28

So she'll be going to the cathedral to join other people there? Is it the journey you're worried about then?

ZZZenAgain · 14/10/2011 21:30

Ifyou and dh are both going to be in Exeter, why can't she go in with one of you and wait somewhere until she needs to get to the cathedral?

ilovesooty · 14/10/2011 21:31

Her father will be at home. I just don't see why the angst about her going to Exeter in the daylight to a function where she knows people.

ZZZenAgain · 14/10/2011 21:33

oh sorry missed that about her father being at home

Purplebuns · 14/10/2011 21:33

She will be fine it is Exeter, not some ghetto in London! I travelled to Exeter with my friends from about 11 and it is about 15 miles from me. It is fine and you are very handy in the unlikely event something goes wrong.

ilovesooty · 14/10/2011 21:36

Exactly. What on earth would the OP do if her daughter wanted to go to Leeds, Manchester or Nottingham? Exeter hardly comes close: it struck me as very calm and safe.

devonshiredumpling · 14/10/2011 21:39

i live in exeter and yabu not to let her be on her own especially if she is with friends

Jux · 14/10/2011 21:40

No one from her choir will be there; she will be singing with a load of strangers and no one person to keep an eye on her. She has never been there entirely on her own.

The time she spends in the Cathedral is not the problem. It is getting there and what she might do at lunchtime.

It is a train journey and then a fairly straightforward walk but she has her head in the clouds and is likely to get lost.

I can give her a packed lunch but we don't know what anyone else would be doing for lunch and she is likely to wander off and get lost (she's done it before). On top of that, she tends to talk to anyone and everyone.

She comes in to Exeter on the train on own sometimes when I'm there and can meet her, but even though at those times, I'm only over the road from teh station she actually got lost trying to find the place (Exeter College - couldn't be easier) so I'm not confident.

Yes I'm in hte same city, but not the same part and incommunicado. DH will be at home (with dd) mostly and the couple of things he has to do out of hte house won't take that long; besides which, she knows our town very well, everyone here knows her and it's a completely different thing to her wandering about Exeter, which she doesn't know that well on her own and unable to go to anyone for help should she need it. The time she got lost when meeting me, I found her sitting in a cafe chatting to a completely strange chap with a cup of coffee he'd bought her. That was only a few months ago.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 14/10/2011 21:43

Does she have special needs?

troisgarcons · 14/10/2011 21:43

It is getting there and what she might do at lunchtime.

It is a train journey and then a fairly straightforward walk but she has her head in the clouds and is likely to get lost

Oh give her some credit and freedom - make sure she has credit on her mobile and download a multimap.

What do you think she will do a t lunchtime? apart from have made friends and go and eat sandwiches with the rest of the group.

She soundss like a lovely young lady, let out a bit of slack

ZZZenAgain · 14/10/2011 21:44

well I really couldn't say if it is safe for her or not. I don't know her and I don't know Exeter. What is the worrying part for you, obviously not when she is at the cathedral singing?

Are you worried about the train journey , does she need to change trains? Are you worried about when she comes into Exeter, making her way from the train station to the cathedral? If there is a particular part of it which concerns you most, can you make some arrangement for that bit to put your mind at rest.

Other thing you can do is drive her in to town with you, then drop her somewhere near the cathedral which you consider a safe place (perhaps you know someone through the choir who lives there and is going along there later in the day)? If not, is there some other place where she could kill time till she needs to get to the cathedral where you would be happy leaving her?

FabbyChic · 14/10/2011 21:44

She sounds immature, and that could be because you moddy coddle her.

Under the circumstances you describe I'd not let her go. But I would urge you to try to let her grow up.

ZZZenAgain · 14/10/2011 21:44

oops crossed posts.

ZZZenAgain · 14/10/2011 21:45

I see, well if it is like that, no, I would not let her go alone.

hopenglory · 14/10/2011 21:47

It's not very easy to loose the cathedral in Exeter. Tell her she has to stay within the green during lunchtime

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GrimmaTheNome · 14/10/2011 21:47

especially if she is with friends

but she isn't.

I've a 12 year old DD who goes to school on the bus every day to a similarly pleasant city; I'm happy for her to sometimes go into town after school and come home on the public bus with friends. But TBH I wouldn't be happy with the scenario the OP describes. There's 12 year olds and 12 year olds. Mine is quite sensible and wouldn't get lost or talk to people, but she's young for her age and might panic if something went wrong.

Jux, you know your own child - trust your instincts.

Jux · 14/10/2011 21:48

SHE DOES NOT KNOW ANYONE WHO WILL BE THERE; NOR DO WE.

OP posts:

MamaMaiasaura · 14/10/2011 21:50

You know your daughter best, but also can you not contact anyone else involved to ask if they'll be looking out for her? There must be some point of contact for the event. Also when I was 11 I flew to Austria on my own and stayed with a family I did not know (exchange students extended family). It was great and I felt trusted.

I think even if you don't let her do this you need to think about equipping her with the skills to be able to do this

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