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AIBU?

Keep bringing up about not using physical punishment for a one year old?

67 replies

Tierdmummy · 04/08/2011 22:49

Before I ask the question I would like to say, I love my DP very much he has been my rock for the past 4 years.
The thing is we have our first DD who is just over one. DP is and has been great with me and her throughout the whole first baby experience.
The only issue we are having at the moment is his views on parenting when it comes to silly behaviour is that he "taps" her on the hand.
This I do not think is anyway to teach her anything she just gets upset and doesnt seem to understand why he does it as for example..
DD goes to bite me I would normally pull myself away and get a toy or somthing to distract her. But my DP will say "No you dont bite mummy"
She looks at him smiles and goes to do it again. So he "taps" her on the hand moves her away from me and says "no".
I do try to talk to him about it but he just says the usually "never did me any harm"
"kids are in need of it these days"
Ect..
He is a great daddy and loves us very much I think its just the way he was bought up that makes him not think it as a promblem and I do not know how to get him out of that frame of mind.

Im starting to doubt if I am even right to question it anymore. Anyone got any advice or simular promblem past or present would be thankful for advice.

(sorry for long post)

OP posts:

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tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 04/08/2011 22:59

Could you agree to go on a positive parenting course and then dicuss it again? Good to sort it now, before more testing behaviour begins!

squeakytoy · 04/08/2011 23:01

a tap on the hand is not exactly harsh physical punishment..

I would say by giving her a toy if she bites you, you are "rewarding" her for doing it.. so a tap on the hand is the better way to deal with it.

BeerTricksPotter · 04/08/2011 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/08/2011 23:03

"kids are in need of it these days" If this is his philosophy then clearly the way he was raised did him a lot of harm.

He thinks that 'tapping' her on the hand and upsetting her is the right way to parent a baby? What is he going to think she 'needs' as she gets older?

Tierdmummy · 04/08/2011 23:04

O defo I know he could be perfect just needs that 2011 way in him :)

OP posts:

BeStillMyBeatingFart · 04/08/2011 23:05

Saying 'no' and moving her away will work just fine.

Handing her a toy when she bites you is a tad pec uliar and shows her that this behaviour is okay.

Smacking children is assault and needs to be dealt with by the police.

Tierdmummy · 04/08/2011 23:06

I do not want him bashed that does not help really .

I just wanted advice to help us.

A course defo will look into that thank you. :)

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FunnysInTheGarden · 04/08/2011 23:08

do you know what? he has it just right. You are being very precious

Tierdmummy · 04/08/2011 23:09

sorry?

OP posts:

BeerTricksPotter · 04/08/2011 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

K999 · 04/08/2011 23:12

No need for the tapping IMO. Moving her away is fine. Although when DD was this age she bit everything she could get her little teeth into. Think she liked the feeling as she was teething. But at one they dont understand right and wrong, and actions and consequences.

Nagoo · 04/08/2011 23:16

I saw a woman on a train threatening to smack a 18MO who was crying and 'bucking' as he wanted to get down and walk.

Why would you smack a baby? Distraction works much better IMO.

I think you need to talk about it, and the 'tapping' doesn't sound so bad, but it seems that he thinks that smacking is a good idea in general and you don't. Discipline is more than smacking, so maybe you need to assure him that when she is older you will be able to discipline her, and you don't need to (as a couple) resort to smacking at this early stage.

Tierdmummy · 04/08/2011 23:17

K999

I think that is why my DD does it I do not for one minute think she does it for any harmful reason and I know she does not understand.
I said this to my DP but he seems to think she knows what she is doing. And he gets quite upset when I do not agree. I just wanted to show him more effective ways but I think my DD is just not going to learn anything with parents on different levels Which is not right for any of us.

OP posts:

FunnysInTheGarden · 04/08/2011 23:19

Tapping is a very good way to signal to a small child that what they are doing is undesirable. And no not precious to agree on parenting styles, but V Precious to say 'how dare anyone but me touch my baby'

You know what? Your DP is the childs father and has equal rights to your DC

LordOfTheFlies · 04/08/2011 23:19

I don't agree with people who claim biting a baby back is the way to deal with a biter.
I used to hold mine eye-to-eye, say No put them on the floor and walk away. They learn if they bite, they lose you for a minute or two.

The only time I would tap a 1yo is if they were going to touch something they shouldn't.( Coffee cup, oven door, cat )

Though DS was annoying our cat by opening the cupboard under the stairs where she was hiding. Moved him away at least 4 times, tried to distract him.
The cat taught him a lesson by giving him a swipe then flounced out the cat-door.
He didn't do it again.

BeerTricksPotter · 04/08/2011 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunnysInTheGarden · 04/08/2011 23:21

and 18 month olds, or how ever old your DC is are far more intelligent than you would know. They understand a good deal

Tierdmummy · 04/08/2011 23:22

I understand he is the father ???

I would not be asking for advice if not.

OP posts:

FunnysInTheGarden · 04/08/2011 23:22

Taps don't lead to smacks, that is nonsense

K999 · 04/08/2011 23:22

I can't see how any one year olds know what they are doing. Except to try and communicate with you both and the biting is probably to say " agh my gums hurt like hell. Can I please sink my gums into you?"

BeerTricksPotter · 04/08/2011 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nagoo · 04/08/2011 23:25

OP It doesn't matter why she is biting you. You don't want her to think biting is ok, and you need to do something to indicate to her that it is wrong. Giving her a toy is not showing her that she should not bite you.

You should tell her no and put her down at the very least.

I'm sorry that sounds really patronising but he's doing something about the biting and you are not offering an alternative?

And there are enough bitey kids down the softplay without yours being the next one

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Tierdmummy · 04/08/2011 23:25

She is 13 months and i do not like the idea of any physical punishment It is not about "No one else can touch my child" Its the simple fact I do not Like it I do not belive there is any need to do it and it is a form of Child abuse.

Just my view but I know everyone is different but I was just after abit of advice to help me and DP sort it out now before she gets older.

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squeakytoy · 04/08/2011 23:26

My stepson and his partner have very different ideas on raising their daughter (she is 6 now). He will smack her legs or bottom if she is naughty. DIL doesnt like smacking and will repeat herself, or ineffectually put her "on the naughty step"...

She behaves very well for her dad, and he rarely smacks her, if she is naughty he might say "do that again and you will get a smacked bottom".. she knows she doesnt like a smacked bottom.. so she doesnt do it again.

Her mother will say "dont do that"... but the child knows that mummy will not actually punish her.. so she just carries on regardless.

I know which method of parenting I prefer there.

BeerTricksPotter · 04/08/2011 23:27

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