to ask for your suggestions on how to improve my happiness and life?

[depressedwithmylife]

Been married for 20 years. Have 3 DC.
I just feel like I do everything on my own, but DH can't see things from my point of view. He will help, but only if I ask him or he has first asked me what can he do to help, and after 20 years of marriage, I really don't see why I should have to set out clear instructions for him every time I want him to do anything. I can't see why he can't just look around and see what needs doing. Grrrrr!!
If I left things down to him, he would watch television all day and sleep. He is always complaining he is tired, but what about me? I am tired alot of the time too.
I am sick to death of organising everything, cleaning the house on my own, arranging all the appointments on my own, and all the other paraphenalia that comes with having 3DC and being a parent.
I feel so angry and sad that I either have to just get on with it, or describe in detail what I want done FFS!!!
Why can't DH have a little initiative????

[SmethwickBelle]

How old are the children? Do they impact on what you have to do day to day or is it all more about you and DH alone, mostly?

[depressedwithmylife]

The DC are 17, 12 and 7. I do have to clean up after the DC, although I do complain loudly about their mess, but I made a promise to them that I don't expect them to do much in the way of helping in the house during term time.

They have enough to do with homework and after school activities.

DH just doesn't seem to do anything without my agreement. If I am not there to ask or tell him what needs doing, he'll walk past the shit and sit in front of the tv until he falls asleep on the sofa

It has got to a point now where the DC laugh at him constantly falling asleep.

[depressedwithmylife]

DH would go along with the idea of a rota until I was at work, then it would all be forgotten. Also, he doesn't think for himself at all. He never argues with me, he just wants everything to be okay, but how many times do I have to say 'Just use your eyes FGS!!!!!'

[MsTeak]

1.stop being such a doormat

1. post in relationships, this is AIBU.

[Mare11bp]

Another poster moaning about threads being in the wrong place

Have you tried a rota before OP? May be worth a go, particularly if as you say he is someone who likes to keep the peace.

[depressedwithmylife]

Beertricks DH has had blood tests etc and nothing was found to be wrong, but he always complains he is tired. tbh he looks pale alot of the time but i didnt have 3 DC on my own, and I just want him to think more for himself. Instead I end up doing almost everything on my own.
DH works a fair distance away and has a stressful sort of job, but it is not physically demanding, just mentally. He works from 6am to 2pm, so goes to bed at 9pm to be up at 4am (when he wakes DC3 up every single morning on his way out the door). He has alot of responsibility I suppose but he has generally always been this way.

soverylucky DC have so much homework and after school activities that it is a drudge asking them to help, and I dont think its fair to give them chores (apart from trying to keep their own rooms tidy which I go and do about once a week and put their shoes, coats and bags away when they get in from school).

[depressedwithmylife]

Sorry Msteak but some of my friends think IABU so I don't know if I am or not. That is why I posted here.

[depressedwithmylife]

Off for a nice hot soak. Will be back later.

[MsTeak]

then you need to ditch some friends as well as your "d" H.

[Asinine]

Sit down with him (on the sofa) and have a glass or two of whatever takes your fancy. Tell him that you want to do more with your life than clean up all the time after able bodied people. Make sure you are clear in your own mind what you'd like to be doing instead. Then ask him what he'd like to do with the second half of his life (I'm guessing you are both in your 40s). Make a bucket list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket...If he can't think of anything you need to consider seriously if he's depressed.

Then get him to agree to talk to your dcs with you to get them to help more around the house. I think it is essential to teach young adults how to run a house and look after themselves, or else they will also drive their partners up the wall. A list of things to do daily, weekly and monthly will help and prevent you having to nag. Tie it in with their pocket money/ allowance with bonuses for extra good performance above and beyond what's on the list.

[Mare11bp]

Can you afford a cleaner? I really don't think it's a luxury if it makes you feel a bit happier.

[cjbartlett]

if I got up at 4am 5 days a week I'd be pretty exhausted too

[Asinine]

I forgot to say he will need a list of things you'd like him to do also, and make one for yourself and and stick it where people will see it.

[Mare11bp]

Great idea MsTeak ditch husband, friends and be totally isolated. Do you have anything constructive to say to OP?

[Pagwatch]

You are not helping your dc by letting them do nothing because they are at school.
Mine are 18, 14 and 8 and they all do things around the house.
The chances are that your 17 year old will be leaving home in 12 months time. To do so being unused to tidying up, doing waging, cooking and clearing up is not a gift.
My ds is off to uni in a few months. He can cook clean, wash his clothes and clean up.

Get your dcs doing more. Your dh should go to the gp.if the gp says their is nothing wrong then just stop cooking and cleaning his clothes until he starts to help.

[DoMeDon]

Change your behaviour, get some counselling and read radical forgiveness - it's my advice to anyone who is depressed or fed up with their life. You can't change another adult but you can change the way you interact with him.

Why do your friends think YABU?

[hairfullofsnakes]

Don't say sorry to anyone here for posting here - ignore the nags who have a go at you for posting here, they are not the masters of aibu - they really annoy me - if people like teak don't like that you post here thats their bloody problem! Do not apologise to people like them please!

You may find it helpful to put this in relationships too though as you may get se different advice and then you can have lots of advice here and there to ponder on...

I wish I had some advice but not sure what to say... Maybe you should think about some relationship counselling so that you can both talk to a third person and ge another perspective on things?

[myalias]

Could you get your children to do more chores - at 12 and 17 your children are more than capable at keeping bedrooms tidy etc.
Could you organise a day out with a friend at the weekend? Dh would have to do chores then. Do you work? if not could you do a Saturday job? he would be forced to help out in the home.

[Asinine]

He is working difficult hours, and is probably genuinely tired. Your dcs are capable of more. Ours will tidy the house ready for hoovering, older two 13 and 11 will Hoover, all can clear table, load dishwasher, produce and put away laundry and declutter their rooms. They need to learn life skills, not just pass exams.

[nanar]

Do you work too OP?

I always wonder how much I should expect of my DH too, as I am a SAHM and he has a full-time, stressful job. Does this mean, though, that it absolves him of any responsibility in the home? I am honestly not sure!

Definitely get the DCs to go their fair share - they don't have to have massive chores, but just picking up after themselves would make a huge difference (in my house anyway).

I also think, as a previous poster suggested, that you need to get a bit of passion back into your lives for something. It is so easy to get stuck in a rut of work, eat, sleep. We tried to do something that we hadn't done before every week - silly things, dry-slope skiing, sailing, badminton - anything. We definitely didn't manage it every week, but it has made life more fun!