maternity prostitute - continued

[curlychips]

Hi everyone

Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who offered advice on my previous thread ('H thinks I'm a lazy, gold-digging prostitute for wanting a year's maternity leave'); I asked MN to remove the thread because I revealed a large amount of personal information and became worried someone from RL would identify me. Apologies if I didn't reply to later posts - I think MN removed the thread before I read them.

So, since then, I have been feeling extremely wobbly as the overwhelming view (ok, unanimous) was that H is a twat.

Based on a recommendation from kenobi, I have just emailed a counsellor - I'm hoping she can help me with the massive anxiety of walking away from a marriage and from TTC with IVF in a few months. I thought my life had a plan and now it seems like everything might be up in the air.

I need to know whether this is my only chance to conceive - I know it will be grim having a baby with H, but surely better than having no baby at all, ever. If the endo gets into my womb, I am well and truly screwed.

I don't even know whether I actually want a baby now or not. I did, but now I associate it with fear and anxiety - H has made me feel like having a baby ruins your life, plunges you into poverty, traps you at home forever (although I actually like being at home), ruins your body etc. I don't care if I stop being a size 8, but he is waving around the implicit threat that he won't want to have sex with me any more if I am over a size 8. Charming.

Also the thought of meeting new men makes my chest hurt. I am only 27 so should get a grip, but I find the whole prospect extremely daunting!

So, how do I cope with this? Also, does having a baby really ruin your life?!

[oohjarWhatsit]

[BitOfFun]

Having a baby with an abusive man makes life pretty shit, yes.

[curlychips]

Ha! Yeah, I thought that might be the case. My mum thinks babies are wonderful (she should; she had five of them) but I feel immensely anxious about it. H thinks it is impossible to have a good life with kids in London unless you are super-rich, because commuting into central London is grim if you're far out of the city etc.

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

If you were to have a baby with such a shit of a 'man', then in truth it wouldnt be your life Id be worried was ruined, it would be the poor childs life! I feel that planning to have a baby with this guy incase you cant have one at all if you wait is also shakey ground. You may be able to protect a child from his controlling twatish nature if you are a couple, but if you split up, (seems the way its going) then he could do untold psychological damage to your child and there would be little you could do until it was potentially too late!

[BitOfFun]

And having children with an abusive ex is bloody purgatory, trust me. You Can Never Get Away.

[TheFlyingOnion]

you've got such a long time, OP, to meet the man of your dreams and have the life you always wanted.

But, if you stay with this man then yes, that time will tick away. By leaving and starting your new life (if that's what you want) you will be closer to achieving your dreams than you ever have been before.

Do you really want to be shackled to this man for the rest of your life? Because with a baby you will be, "together" or not....

[curlychips]

Really? can't you just not see them apart from when they pick up the child? Sorry if this is extremely naive

[jenrendo]

Please don't have his baby. My friend was in a similar relationship to yours and kept it going because she desperately wanted a baby. Now she has one and they are separated and he makes her life miserable. He really is a bastard and she now has a link to him forever. In her absolute depths of despair one evening she even admitted she wished she'd never had her son, although there was wine involved and she does love him dearly! But she now cannot rid herself of this emotionally abusive shit who still has control of her life even thought they live in different cities. You're only 27, there is plenty of time to meet someone much lovlier :) And BTW I was told I would never have children and woops, once we stopped all the IVF and dreadfulness and decided to move on and be childless along came my DS! Good luck with whatever you decide.

[ImperialBlether]

I can't believe you're considering having a child with this man.

[curlychips]

You're right - it's not fair on the child, is it?

I think because the idea of a baby seems so abstract at the moment, I haven't really thought about how it will be.

I wasn't sure if everyone feels stressed and anxious when they have a baby or if it's just my circumstances that are making me feel this way.

[Viagrafalls]

OP, I had a really nasty partner until I managed to get shot of him at age 31 - i am now almost 8 months pregnant and very happy with one of the nicest people I have ever known. It can feel like you're going to be alone and 'old' but believe me you have plenty plenty time to get rid of this idiot, get over him and then find someone you deserve. Good luck!

[Viagrafalls]

I am now 36 BTW

[TheFlyingOnion]

curlychips its not fair on YOU.

YOU deserve more.

[kat2504]

I read your thread but didn't post on it as many others had expressed quite well what I would have said.
I am glad you are taking some steps to reevaluate your options and plans. it must seem very daunting.
I don't know much about endo but I presume it can be controlled by going back on contraception until you are ready to try again? Have you had any tests on your ovarian reserve etc so you know if you really are short on time or not? If your eggs are ok you could have at least another 7 years before you have to worry.
I would not want to have sex with a man who was only interested in my dress size. I have put on some weight in the last year due to the grief of subfertility issues. My partner has not made me feel bad about it and makes it clear he still loves me. He has been supportive through miscarriages and not dismissed it as not a real baby. He is ok about whatever I choose to do regarding my career, which has taken a nose dive due to the events of the last year.
I am five years older than you and didn't even have a partner when I was 27. Same for many people I know. Lots of them have children now. I know you are worried about your medical conditions and that must make a difference, but I don't think it should push you to have a baby with a man who doesn't want to have one with you, and a man who has such a low opinion of you as his wife.
Having a baby is not going to ruin your life, but having one with an unwilling father who will not support you will make you miserable. He already has children and they have not ruined his life but he doesn't want you to have that chance.

You do not have to make any rash decisions but I think you need to lay your cards on the table with your husband and tell him quite clearly what you want from your marriage and what you want to change. Then he will know if he can give you what you want and if he is willing to move on any of his issues. It will give you a starting point if you are thinking about marriage counselling, or it may be what makes your mind up to leave.

Wishing you the best of luck with whatever you choose to do next.

[spookshowangel]

hun seriously, i had 3 kids when i left my husband of 7 years (been together 10) i was 28 and i thought who the hell is ever going to want to have sex with me again. i am damaged goods, 3 kids, 1 with sn, living on a council estate, oh yes and i am definitely over a size 8, last time i was a size 8 was when i was 8 i think. i honestly thought i was going to become revirginised. turns lots of men and some women apparently (but i dont swing that way). i had two years of fun with a few different people and now i am with a hot stud of a guy who is stunningly hot (sometimes i wonder what the hell he is doing with me) and am prego again so obviously kids dont ruin your life (mostly) or your sex appeal because thats about your attitude. if you let your shit face hubby take it away from you then he will have won on all counts. i would suggest you avoid having a child with this man as that does mean he will be in your life forever, might seem worth the trade off now but it can be a lot of hard work. ditch him and find a man he will love you as your ass gets bigger when your pregnant because there are plenty that do find that really horny in that whole. woman carrying my child kind of way. sorry rambling

[AnnieLobeseder]

Curley, I read your previous thread and you are right be thinking seriously about getting away from your H. That is what you should focus on now, not making babies.

I realise you have fertility issues, but seriously, as much as you might want a baby, you need to take time to get your head straight.

Having a baby doesn't ruin your life, no. But it does irrevocably change it in ways you could never imagine before you had children. If you have a good job, you won't be financially screwed. You're no more trapped at home than you want to be, though your choices on where to go will change - afternoons in the park or at soft play rather than nights in clubs! Though of course you can still go to clubs etc if you get a babysitter.

Please don't pin all your hopes of having a baby on your wanker of an H. He will make you suffer for it. Don't tie yourself to him in any way, just get the hack away.

If, once you've got yourself settled and comfortably set up away from him, then you can start thinking about having a baby on your own. Being a single parent is certainly not easy, but will be infinitely preferable to having a baby with your controlling prick of an H.

And don't worry about meeting anyone else yet either. These things happen when you least expect it.

Good luck, whatever your decide. Just please don't have a baby with that man!!!

[Jennytailia]

Ok so if u do have a baby with this man, imagine if you had a daughter, he saw her everyother wkend or something similar. He has her alone, so you have no idea if he will pass on his views about weight, laziness ect.

I know YOU want a baby, but just remember this man will also have a huge input in her life. And if he chooses to not see the baby, the baby will then have that to deal with.

[BitOfFun]

Naïve, yes. You think you can get medical treatment for your child that in your judgement they need? Nope, not if he objects. Maintenance? Don't count on it. Travelling for handovers? You'll be bullied into all the driving because it was your 'choice' to move away. Object to him doing dangerous sports with your child or having an aggressive pet? Tough. Want a good relationship with your child's school? It's hard when they keep letters from you, or call school and leave different instructions which are designed to make you look incompetent or awkward.

All against the cherry on the pie of them fighting you for residence every time you stand up to them.

You Can Never Get Away.

[spookshowangel]

god that was really rambley i was sure it made sense to the op when i was writing it

[LineRunner]

Oh, Curlychips, if the father of your baby wants to well and truly get into your life and your head and try to screw you, then he will.

My ex has done all the usual: a malicious report to social services; forced me into court for a contact order he didn't even want; lurking on the doorstep claiming to the police he thought I had 'done somthing silly' [well, yes, I was is the kitchen watching Countdown...]; telling the kids all sorts of crap about me; not keepimng contact times and dates, fucking up my work and social life; and so it goes on and on.

It takes a tough cookie to survive that and keep smiling.

[Ishani]

I have to say I would choose no baby over having to look at this dickhead over the pews at the graduation, wedding, the grandchildrens christening, every family event for the rest of your life.

[kat2504]

And yes, I'm sure your financial expectations and spending power change when you have a baby and your income drops. But life is about more than just money. Your husband is the gold-digger as he is only bothered about you bringing in enough income to fund the lifestyle he wants. Did he actually use the word prostitute to you? That would be totally unforgivable in my opinion. Other people get by on less money.

As for the separated parents thing, it can be hard. my partner has a son from a previous relationship. The mother has made things very difficult for him in the past and only recently has it got to be civilised. To be effective parents you have to work together a bit and be able to communicate even if you are not together. Once you have a child with someone, they are in your life for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not.