..to tell this student midwife to back off! Long rant warning!

[deepbluewave]

At my 39 week MW app. there was a SMW, I had met twice, present. She asked how I was and asked for a favor. As a nurse, I had an inkling, it would be about writing an essay on me. She said she had to write an essay on ante-natal care and as I had moved hospital trusts mid pregnancy, she thought she could base it on the difference in notes. I said, yes immediately, didnt mind at all!

She then said, it would involve coming to my house for a chat, pre and post labor- I dont really mind that, chance for a rant...but then said she would be present at labor. I asked " what if I go into labour in the middle of the night?"
She said, "call me- Ill be there" and then put a note on my file, asking the ward to call her when in labour.
I called my DH on the way home and he said, he wasnt really 'feeling it' and by this point, I wasnt either. I dont mind students being present at birth, but I wasnt sure to what extent she actually meant.
She came round the next day and I vowed to be assertive, to ask her straight and tell her how we felt. I asked how this works, as it was our first baby, we would like it to be just us two- sje did NOT take the hint, and sold herself even more- for which she said-

" This will be really good for you, as you will get 121 care- I can be there as much as you want, all the time- if your DH needs a break, I can sit with you and if your on the ward and DH had to go home, I cant sit and talk you through the pain" She then told me a storey of how good she was with a patient, who in the end only wanted her there and not her family and because of her expertise-needed no pain intervention!
She then spent 90 minutes at my house, telling me about her DH, DC, 30 up coming birthday- saying, she felt if I was going to open up- it was only right she should!?????????????????????????? I couldnt give a shit!
Then she said her friend works on mat ward, and I should request her for care!!! How can I do that, if she is already caring for a patient- I wouldnt do that in a million years!
After she left, I stuck my own note on my file, asking the hosptial to ask me, when she should be called.
At my next MW appt, she saw this- and asked why I had put it on my notes- I told her it was our first baby and I didnt want to watched all the way through. My MW explained she would only be shadowing the MW who cares for me....fair enough- but this is one pushy FIRST YEAR- yes FIRST year student! She was even feeling my belly when at home and asked if I wanted her to teach DH how to feel for baby!!! Is this right????

Anyway- lat night, she text asking if anything was happening (now 41 wks) and what time my next MW appoitment is- I told her 16pm, and she replied-
" oh, if I wasnt at Uni, I would offer to come with you!" I dont want her to come with me! I want her to back off- I only agreed she could write an essay on me!!!! Now I feel like she is my fucking partner or something. Im so close to loosing it with her and dont want the stress when Im in labour..

Im not seeing my normal MW today (so she told me) so who do I talk to, what do I say, without making it awkward for both of us, when in labour!
AIBU????????

[NunTheWiser]

Ring your normal midwife and tell her you've changed your mind and don't want the student midwife present at any of your appointments or the birth. It's completely up to you who you have with you when you give birth and you do not want anyone causing you stress.

[AtYourCervix]

caseloading (following certain woment through pregnancy and birth) is something student midwwives have to do.

this doesn't mean you have to do it though and if you don't want her there put a big note on the front of your birth plan stating she is notto be called.

she sounds a bit earnest and over-enthusiastic.

[pigletmania]

She has overstepped the boundaries IMO. I would call your midwife and talk to her. I would not be happy with that either, she should know when to step back a bit.

[AtYourCervix]

yes. call your midwife and let her know student has made you uncomfortable - she should know and then be able to pass it on th student and/or university. she needs to know so she can sort out her professional behaviour now.

[itisnearlysummer]

I think she sounds like she's doing her best to build a relationship with you so that you feel comfortable with having her at the birth.

Does sound like she's being rather OTT though and it would certainly put me off. The fact that she isn't listening to you/taking the hints would suggest she isn't going to be particularly intuitive during the birth.

Agree that you should stress you do not want her their. Get your MW to tell her if she isn't listening to you.

[faverolles]

Talk to your MW and explain that you no longer want her to be involved. Hopefully, she will give feedback to the student so in future she will be more professional.
She sounds like a nightmare.

[deepbluewave]

I dont mind her popping in and out, with my MW- and if she had any other personality, I think I would be relaxed about it/her- but I just find her really pushy like a student come Consultant...they are the worst kind.

I know I can- 'cancel her' but then this will effect the time lost on her work/case study which I dont want to jeopardize either....

[deepbluewave]

IINS- I think your right- she is trying to make a relationship and I think, trying to be my friend....but unfortunately its not what I feel or want.

And I agree, I dont think she will be intuitive at birth and her professional behavior needs to be reigned in!

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

TBH, I think you should take her up on her offer. She has so much skill and empathy she can ensure your birth is pain and stress free and your DH doesn't even need to be there.










I am joking. She sounds like an over enthusiastic loon to me and I don't think YAB a tiny bit U to not want her there.
Good luck with the birth.

[JambalayaCodfishPie]

You have every right to change your mind, at any stage, and I think you have a very strong reason for wanting to.

I had to be VERY blunt with my midwife, that she was the only one i wanted at the birth of my child (just because DD born in a teaching hospital - doesnt mean I had to be the headline act.) I was worried I was being rude - but she was much happier that it was clear before the 'big day'.

I agree with other posters that her supervising midwife should be told why you feel so uncomfortable - this SMW is clearly not a bad person, just unsure of boundaries.

[LoonyRationalist]

Think about it this way; this over bearing pushiness needs to be nipped in the bud now, at the start of her career. By cancelling her involvement and feeding back to her tutors (via your midwife) why, you are actually helping her longterm become a better midwife who can help other patients better.
Other women might not feel confident about doing this so you are helping her future patients too.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Speak to your MW and get her to "police" the over enthusiastic student so you don't have to.

I had a med student shadowing my MW when I was giving birth and he was more worried about it than I was (my 2nd birth and his first!). He did exactly what the MW told him and didn't touch me without my permission. Consequently, I felt quite well disposed towards him and put up with the MW taking him step by step him through an internal (oh joy!) because he had to learn.

If he had been a know all I would have expected the MW to put him back in his box or I would have told him to sod off.

[deepbluewave]

Kreecher-- HAHA- yeah Ill tell DH to keep his feet up at home!

Quick question- I see my MW on a Wednesday on my GP's.....(I dont like her either) do they work on the wards too? Or are they just community MW??

Cant say I want her looking after me either!
Im quite glad Im not seeing my own MW today- I think I may talk to this new lady and just ask what I should do-
I know at the end of the day, its our experience and I can request anything I want. I dont wanna hurt this girls feelings,,,but I find myself having to be short with her, for her to take the hint!

[LRDTheFeministDragon]

If you don't want her there, say so and say why (to your normal midwife).

That way, she can get some extra advice on how not to annoy the women she's going to be working with - she is a student, she is learning, it is natural she won't always get it right first time. But she needs to know she's done it wrong.

[Melly19MummyToBe]

That sounds like she seriously needs to learn some boundary rules! When we went to look round the hospital where I will be having my baby the MW showing us round said to us that if you got that chance to have a SMW present, take it because they won't leave you alone for a second and they'll be really helpful and 'be there' for you. I won't be having one because I'm having 2 birth partners and I think the room will be crowded enough as it is!

[deepbluewave]

CBA- thats it- if she was humble, and learning I would not mind at all! I wouldnt mind the nerves and would do everything to make them comfortable and to feel relaxed!

But this bird is summit else!

[Esian]

Deepblue - she does sound a bit of a nightmare. I would tell her that you're happy for her to do the essay and visit after the birth, but you would really prefer it if she wasn't there for the actual birth. Blame your DH if you have to, and say he feels he'll be usurped if she's there as your partner.

Don't ask her to understand, just say you have made the decision for her not to be there and that it's not up to her. Your priority is yourself and your DH. Don't worry too much about hurting her feelings - she sounds quite thick-skinned.

Good luck!

[Melly19MummyToBe]

She's just your community MW, my MW was telling me the other week that they had one from a hospital come in to help out because they were really short staffed and she said to one lady "Oh I'm a proper MW, I actually work in the hospital an deliver the babies" my MW was fuming! She's had 29 years experience, and she delievered me :o

[deepbluewave]

MELLY!!! What!!! Christ....

right- this has made my mind up-- Ill have words later today, when I am seen...

I hope we can make it work, but need to come to an understanding.
Last nights text, really got my back up, and I had to refrain from texting her as my reply would have been very bitter!

[Fifis25StottieCakes]

Ask to be removed from the study. I was bullied into having MIL present at 1st labour. Do it your way the way you want it to be. Just say you thought she just had to write an essay. You dont want her visiting you at home or present at the birth. This is your choice to make. She is obviously making you uncomfortable so tell her to leave you alone.

Good idea, blame it on DH [grin

[LordOfTheFlies]

Don't know if I'd say you were BU or NBU.
So many people complain about dis-interest from the midwives and lack of continuity. She does seem a bit in-your-face but maybe that's just over-enthusiasm because she's a new studant.
When I had DS there was a studant doctor who had to participate in X number of births(asked consent first) and so many people I lost count.

BTW my local hospital is Queens in Romford which has been in the press for all the wrong reasons.When I read reviews I can sort of see why your SMW is coming over as over the top.
I think you definately need to have a word-nicely.

[LordOfTheFlies]

BTW deepbluewave as you are a nurse you must have had patient case studies.
I work in NHS and its really hard to find a patient that you can have continuity with and build up an interesting study (and get consent from).
I don't mind being someones 'guinea-pig' as I've been there,done that.
Good luck with DC1!!

[Esian]

Deepblue- can this be your labour thread now [love hearing about new babies emoticon].

Don't worry too much, she'll be the last thing on your mind when you're in labour and could be very useful. If she's that pushy you'll have no problems being heard on the ward if you want anything. At the very least she can bring you and DH lots of cups of tea!

[DeWe]

I had a lovely student midwife with dd2. She came in and out unobtrusively during labour, and after dd2 was born and I was on the ward came with some hand knitted booties for dd2, and a smaller pair for dd1 to put on a doll. She'll have been a fantastic midwife when she qualified.
It was nice to have the student there because I was on consultant care only (problem picked up at scan) and it made it more relaxed than having the consultants coming in constantly when they weren't needed.
However, prior to meeting her I said no students at all, and if I hadn't liked her then I would have refused to have her.
I agree with the blaming dh. Then you won't sound like you're going back on her.

[angelpantser]

I had a student midwife present at the birth of DD1 (17 years ago though). She was LOVELY. It was the first birth that she had attended and they did ask my permission first. She sat holding my hand and rubbing my back while my DH was able to rub my shoulders and stay up near the top of the bed.

She stayed with me even when the MW in charge had to leave the room and was a lovely calming presence. However, she wasn't pushy and trying to intervene - she really did just support and help. I don't know how I'd have coped if she had been like the SMW you describe.

It's a special time for you and your DH - good luck.