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12months with DH away and I don´t think he will come back, wwyd

(54 Posts)
StaryNightSky Wed 25-May-11 14:39:43

Here’s the problem.
Dh and I moved abroad 4 years ago, we have a DD born here. Dh best mate came visiting this week. Offering the possibility of work back in the UK on contract for 12months. The hours would be 6am to 930pm 6 days a week. We live in a different country.
DH and my relationship has not been the best over the last 3 years since DD was born. We have had problems and are trying to work through them but DH has threatened several times to leave and go back to the UK to live with said best mate. I know my DH very well and I know that at the moment he is does not think the relationship is in the best of shape NOR do I. We are still very rocky.
I basically have to parent DD on my own, and I a totally exhausted.
We have a Business where we live that someone HAS TO BY LAW be on site 24 hours a day, my working day here starts a 7am and finishes at 9.30pm 7 days a week (PM for details if you want to)
DH would be away for 12months, there would be very little contact, as I would be in bed by the time he finished in the UK, and I would be up after him (due to time differences)
I would over the next 12 months have to dealing with DD moving to school (currently in nursery) run the business, deal with my own health as I am registered disabled and ill, Deal with DD infantile asthma, Parent on my own, have no contact with DH. Not to mention regularly having to be in two places at once.
At present I have told DH this, that if he wants to go then he should, BUT. I will run the money (DH best mate, has asked me to anyway as I am an ex accountant from the UK) and I will take out FROM DH share. the following. The Mortgage 7% of his earnings, a sum for DD 2% of his earnings, and a small amount for me to get someone in to take DD to school etc, as I can not magically be in 2 places at once 1%. Then if he decides he does not want to come back, DD has a roof over her head, and I have the ability to provide for her in the short come and she will hopefully have the financial backing to be able to go to uni if she wants to. (Over here it costs a fortune for a child to go to Uni) Leaving DH 90% which would pretty much set him up if he was sensible.
But I don´t really know what to do, am I being fair? WWYD

Oh, I have previously been told off for being AIBU by stelth, so I have tried to put everything in, but I don´t want it to run of for pages and pages

GypsyMoth Wed 25-May-11 14:43:47

leaving 90% for him?? yabu

this wiil most likely be the end of your marriage,and sounds like you'll be taking on more than you can manage. any family locally?

doesnt sound good.....i'd either sell business etc and go back with him,or a complete split.

how can he maintain ANY relationship with his dd??

StaryNightSky Wed 25-May-11 14:47:35

Well this is what I am worried about.

He does not really have a relationship with DD. But she does love to play with him.

I would never go back.

I love it here and so does DD.

FabbyChic Wed 25-May-11 14:50:39

You need to take 25% not 10.

OldMacEIEIO Wed 25-May-11 14:50:52

6-9:30 6 days a week ?
plus travel etc, that probably an 18 hour day

it doesn't sound like much fun for him either

twinmam Wed 25-May-11 14:59:16

I think that's your answer then. Without meaning to be brutal it sounds as if you have already mentally made the split. You sound very detached emotionally from your relationship and, in many ways, it seems to make little sense to live in a state of limbo.
To be frank, I'd be inclined to split but would want more than 10% contribution towards DD.
What do you mean by your husband and daughter not having a relationship?

twinmam Wed 25-May-11 15:01:27

Have realised how callous that sounds: obviously if there is anything in your relationship that can be worked at then you should!
However, the fact that your DH would consider moving away from his DD and also your comments about their lack of relationship set alarm bells ringing for me.

StaryNightSky Wed 25-May-11 15:02:22

no, no travel time, would be living on the door step and working over the road. Get 30min breaks 8 times a day.

I am trying really hard to be reasonable, but I want to look after DD.

He seems to think it is will be great, boys living together play station in the the evenings. Etc. But I am not saying that he would be swanning about. I just want to be certain if he decides not to come back. I´m safe.

DH, came straight from MIL to me, with nothing but a car and a clothes, I had a house, etc and I just want to be certain that I will be able to look after DD, in the short term whilst the business over here continues to grow.

ShoutyHamster Wed 25-May-11 15:03:43

Sounds fine as long as you take:

20% maintenance for DD

plus exactly half of the cost of the mortgage and insurances etc. (that's if he wants to keep his stake in the house - equity etc.)

would that leave him enough for this to be viable?

StaryNightSky Wed 25-May-11 15:06:20

Wait I will find a link to the old thread.

Basicallt DH never bonded with DD, I was very ill and he was told to call family as I would not live the night (thik he blames DD for nearly ruining his life)

No nappies, no settling to sleep, nothing, But she loves him dearly, running about with her on his shoulders etc (things I can´t do)

I am in bits and have been for 3 years, but I just can´t deal with feeling anything anymore. so I just shut off my emotions when I comes to things that hurt the living shit out of me.

I do always tell DH how I feel, we talk a lot (BOTH SIDES) but if I´m still hurting I shut it off. Its the only way I can cope.

StaryNightSky Wed 25-May-11 15:08:50

House, all mine ect. DH was happiest with that arrangement as I safe gaurded DD and me (as it was my money)

I have been and would walys work on our realtionship and things are stronger now then they were last month, 3 months ago. But we are NOT strong at the moment.

I love DH but I want to make sure DD is looked after IF (and it is an IF) he dos not want to come back.

LadyOfTheManor Wed 25-May-11 15:11:55

Why don't you just move back with him?

NerfHerder Wed 25-May-11 15:15:52

How will you split the business though? If you are running it, and it was your house, will he be able to claim 50%?

I think you need legal advice on this.

StaryNightSky Wed 25-May-11 15:20:42

I don´t want to go back to the UK. Will not take DD back.

Regard the business we have the all drawn up. Befor we brought it if one of us wants to leave the other takes it on, what happens in the event of death the works.

seems callous, but we did it as we are in a strange country and want to make certain everything was laid out and looked after in the event of one of us dying.

Without a will DD would only inherit if I die, not DH as we are not married. if DH dies without a will it would go to his direct familey (if they lived here) or to the government so we have everything sorted out wills, business, house, the lot just incase. (this was when the relationship was rock solid and we could just talk about what was best)

coccyx Wed 25-May-11 15:22:52

what sort of job is it in Uk, Very long hours

twinmam Wed 25-May-11 15:24:06

Poor you starry - that sounds awful and incredibly traumatic for both of you. Have you had counselling? Both of you, that is, separately and maybe later on together.
The background explains a lot - you sound so completely shut off, emotionally. Do you want him to go? (I'm assuming not!) Have you told him this? You seem to be focusing so much on the practicalities - is he trying to somehow force you into showing you feel something? His suggestion that it would be great to have playstation boy's nights suggest to me that he is either a) an arsehole or b) really hurt and trying to somehow force your hand.
Is he very unhappy where you live?
Also how do you know he has bond with DD? Their playing together and racing around etc suggests otherwise (although his apparent willingness to be apart from her is worrying)

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 25-May-11 15:30:47

I think you should seek legal advice ASAP. Do not move back with him. If you do, then split up, he will be able to say that you live in the UK, DD lives there and you will not be able to move back. I assume that if you split up where you are, the Courts there will deal and you and DD can stay. I don't know where you are but this has happened to people I know and you need good legal advice re custody and maintenance for DD. Some countries have arrangements with each other, some don't.

LadyOfTheManor Wed 25-May-11 15:32:18

What is it that is stopping you from moving back to the UK?

StaryNightSky Wed 25-May-11 15:33:05

Twinman. Please don´t be nice to me, I can´t deal with it.

I think he hates it where we live with a capital H. its very rural and he is a city boy at heart, he misses Mac D, KFC etc he misses his friends. it just some of the things he says sometimes. Like "I never get to leave" I can´t think of anything else at the moment. I just know, he hates it hear, hates being a dad, and hates being with me.

I would never tell him not to go, nor would I tell him that I don´t want him to go, as he would just say that I was guilt tripping (if I asked him not to go, he would probably stay and that would be worse as he would be even more misserable)

He will only play with DD when I make him, she still wakes up in the middle of the night and if I am deep alseep (I am SO tired sometimes) DH will wake me up saying DD is crying sort her out.

I hate this, but I still hope that we might be able to get back to were we once were (stuip) but I loved that!

Couciling not possible (MIl and FIL were in it for 15 years, DH will NOT go).

StaryNightSky Wed 25-May-11 15:38:26

Lady of the manor.

What is stopping me is I DO NOT WANT TO. simple as that. where I am I am happy, we have fab health care, education that is brilliant.

I would get sole custody over here (I looked into when thing were very rocky) but if DH is in the UK no Mainanence (he can do it voluantary, but not enforcable by law) if DH is here then Maintance would be payable and would need to be brought up to date before he lfet the country.

I don´t really care about maintance as such as I can give DD what she need for the immediate future, it is just to make sure she has access to things when she is Older. Uni ove here cots 50000GBP to 75000GBPdepending on the course at the moment and there is no government help with costs etc. I want to be able to give her that chance.

I am pragmatic by nature (I KNOW DD is 3, not 16) but the future will not go away.

LadyOfTheManor Wed 25-May-11 15:40:10

Don't have to fucking shout. Jesus.

SarkyLady Wed 25-May-11 15:41:30

I think it will be bad for you to live in limbo.

Either he doesn't go, or your marriage is over. No halfway house IMO.

coccyx Wed 25-May-11 15:41:55

So where are you

StaryNightSky Wed 25-May-11 15:47:18

Sorry the job is to do with the NHS.

Didn´t mean to shout, I´m just scratchy at the min. All that would change is geography the problems Would not go away if I move back with DH. the only differnece is I would be more miserable which would make everything worse.

LadyOfTheManor Wed 25-May-11 15:47:34

Niecie:

"Worral - I thought people used DCs because they were talking about their children and DC stands for Dear Child. Well it does to me anyway."

Wouldn't that make dear childs? Or have I missed what you're trying to say?

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