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AIBU?

...not to want to be thumped by my 14 year old?

67 replies

woollyideas · 13/01/2011 23:56

Need to rant.
My DD has always been forthright and outspoken but now that she's a teen she has become downright rude and abusive.
Occasionally she lashes out at me, but tonight she's gone for it big time.
We had an argument when I told her to get off the phone and laptop and start getting ready for bed. It was 10 o clock. At 10.15 I reminded her and at 10.30 I went upstairs to remove laptop and landline phone from her bedroom. She refused to hand over the phone, put it under the duvet and lay down on top of it.
Me: 'Give me the phone.'
Her: 'Can't make me.'
(repeat many, many times like stuck record)
Me: 'You are about to be grounded and have a TV ban for two days if you don't hand over the phone.'
Her: 'Enjoy the power.'
Me: 'Give me the phone.'
Her: 'No.'
Me: (Lose rag and take duvet off bed and tell her to sit up so I can get phone.)
Her: Don't touch me (thumps me)
I got the phone and went downstairs.
She followed me downstairs punching me.
I saw her mobile on kitchen table and removed it, knowing she'd probably go straight on FB/start texting her friends until about 1 a.m., which is frequently her response to any disagreement.
Her: Give me my phone etc. (starts punching me).
Punch, punch, punch, etc.
And then one real hard, swinging punch at me, which is already showing a big red weal.
I found it very, very hard not to retaliate and probably handled the whole thing very badly.
Feel like crap now.

OP posts:

Report

BALD · 14/01/2011 00:01

stick to your guns

keep the phone and the laptop, cut off the cable if she tries to plug it in

are you on your own, is there another adult in the house?

tomhardyismydh · 14/01/2011 00:06

hope you are ok. no advice other than you did the right thing, but you do need to talk with her about this as it is not on.

not sure how to handle it tbh. maybe the talk needs to be done with another adult around that can support you.

woollyideas · 14/01/2011 00:06

Single parent. No other adult support. Ever.

OP posts:

woollyideas · 14/01/2011 00:07

Sorry I meant to say thanks for your answers. x

OP posts:

tomhardyismydh · 14/01/2011 00:09

its difficult, im single parent with little adult support, luckily dd is only 4 and physicaly unable to get the better of me, but she does try to mark her control, it is difficult.

how have you manged to mark your authority with her in the past. has she hit you like this in the past? you need to talk to her about this when you are both very calm.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 14/01/2011 00:12

Keep the phone, comp and other things she loves such as her makeup...hide them all.

You didn't handle it badly...don't give her the things back for two weeks...put them in someone elses house and tell her they're not in your home until you feel she's improved.

MadamDeathstare · 14/01/2011 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmethwickBelle · 14/01/2011 00:16

Probably not helpful but this (lashing out at me) is precisely what my 3 year old does at bedtime when I take his toy away or turn of the telly or otherwise lay down the law. Clearly being belted by a 14 year old is tons worse but I think you did the right thing, back to (toddler) basics, removing privileges and not retaliating. What happens next? - its not an age I know how to parent but certainly don't give the items back until you get a bloody good apology and a commitment from her that she will not hit you again. If she does they must go for good.

SmethwickBelle · 14/01/2011 00:16

... I meant the possessions not the daughter

Catnao · 14/01/2011 00:17

Sorry she is being so horrid. I am beginning to see with my son that this is the future.

I make mistakes all the time with my son, so I won't presume to give advice - but you have my sympathy and I am SURE she will be nice and your lovely daughter again when she has calmed down.

She is probabaly just being teenage - sorry - I know that's no help, but she will become nice again, remember the horrible two year old bit?

Would you like some gin?

woollyideas · 14/01/2011 00:21

Thanks tomhardy. It's very difficult to talk to her about anything at the moment TBH. She reacts very defensively to everything. Even when I go wake her up in the morning she behaves as though I'm committing some terrible crime, just by saying 'Come on, it's 7.30...'

I'm a pretty laid back type of mum usually and tend to 'pick my battles', remember what I was like as a teen, and try and stay calm.

I think she will be sorry, but resentful in the morning. I will still make her take the consequences (ie. TV ban will stick and I'm tempted to keep her mobile for several days following the mega punch) and sometimes that rankles with her. She'll say 'But I said sorry...' and expect all the 'punishments' to be waived. Usually after a big disagreement she does this and then begins to accept the TV ban (or whatever).

She has always had quite a temper and says 'you made me do this or that...' but I tell her she needs to be responsible for her reactions and that she wouldn't behave like that at school and she has to try to exercise the same self control at home.

Yes, she's lashed out before, but this time was worse. I'm just hoping it's not the thin edge of the wedge...

OP posts:

CantTakeMuchMore · 14/01/2011 00:22

Woolly - I feel for you and have similar from my 14 year old DD. Have same problems with phone and laptop and finding her on it after midnight. We have taken them away but she roots around until she finds it.

It is shit. I find it hard to believe my DD is the same funny, lovely little girl she was a few years back. I have a DH to help out and it's still hard so I dread to think what it's like on your own.

You will really have to sort out the punching with extreme measures. Not sure what though as nothing seems to work with my DD. She has tried hitting out at me a few times (and even kicked me when I was pregnant)and I'm afraid that she got a harder one back which is not the right way to go about it I know. I try to think that it's just a phase and in a few years, she'll be over it but it can't be ignored (am starting to ignore the outbursts and tantrums though even while my blood is boiling).

Sorry am not much help .

charliesmommy · 14/01/2011 00:24

It isnt acceptable behaviour, and you shouldnt have to be scared of your own child.

I would threaten her with the police to be honest.

You cant go on like this, as at the moment she thinks she is the one in charge.

You are a victim of domestic violence and need to get help from an outside source.

woollyideas · 14/01/2011 00:24

Thanks everyone, especially the offer of gin!

The teenage years are quite a shock I have to say and now I'm really wondering whether my 'laid-back' parenting is to blame.

OP posts:

Catnao · 14/01/2011 00:28

No, it's not - she sounds typically teenage.

Now - do you want some tonic with that before you get some sleep and energy, and realise that she is still in there somewhere,and things will be OK.

tomhardyismydh · 14/01/2011 00:28

you are doing all the right things. definatly stick to your guns. I would tell her the reality of how this has made you feel and how reacting like this else where will result in getting a hiding from someone far tougher than herself.

keep the mobile if it works, i would keep it for a week.

woollyideas · 14/01/2011 00:29

Thanks can'ttakemuchmore - it's nice to know someone else has the same stuff... (but I'm sorry you're having it if you know what I mean!)

Her phone is in the breadmaker (switched off so she can't ring it/find it), laptop password changed and remote control in boot of car. Also, I've hidden my bank card, phone and purse as she tends to hide something of mine if I take away something of hers. (For goodness sake! Reading this back makes me wonder what the hell is going on...)

Times like these single parenthood sucks.

OP posts:

woollyideas · 14/01/2011 00:30

Yes please, tonic please...

OP posts:

mutznutz · 14/01/2011 00:31

I was just going to say what Charliesmommy said. It's ok to get the police involved as a last resort you know?

I'm really not the sort of parent that screams police at the drop of a hat so please hear me out....

If she's only 14 and acting violently towards you, I doubt (and I'm sorry to say this) things will get any better for a long long time...in fact it may well get worse. You are not in control of the situation when she is hitting you and if you were being intimidated in this way by a husband or BF...no doubt you'd be advised to get out of the relationship immediately.

Obviously this is a different relationship but something has to give. It's really not normal behaviour and I think the more you confiscate from her the more angry she will get.

Personally I would warn her...not during an argument but at a time when you're both calm...that you will call the police if she 'assaults' you again...and I really would use the word 'assault' to drive it home.

If she punched a stranger in the street she would be arrested and for good reason because she doesn't have the right to intimidate anyone...let alone her mother in her own home.

ModreB · 14/01/2011 00:32

OP - Ring your local neighbourhood police team, tell them what has happened and ask them to come around and tell her that if she assaults you again, she can be arrested. Put the fear of god into her.

FFS - at 14 yo if you punch someone, it is assault. Would she do this to someone walking down the street? If she did she would be arrested. Nip it in the bud, now or you are storing up major problems for the next few years.

She is disrespecting you big time. Who is the adult in this relationship, you or your DD?

Catnao · 14/01/2011 00:33

Go to bed, after you've had the stiff g and t and a bit of cake, and see how you feel tomorrow. Bloody kids!

Honestly - she will be pushing your buttons, and if you're tired, it will be really hard.

mutznutz · 14/01/2011 00:34

Sorry Catnao but punching your mother does not sound like typical teenage behaviour to me.

Slamming doors, screaming I hate you, swearing, stropping, thinking everyone is against her - Yes...punching her mother - No!

CantTakeMuchMore · 14/01/2011 00:36

Yes - Woolly, it makes it slightly easier to stomach knowing that you are not the only one going through it so it not necessarily that you have done anything wrong. That was my favourite catchprase until recently 'Where the hell did I go wrong'.

I think we will have to get a bit more creative in the hiding of her things - never thought of the breadmaker before!

It is very upsetting though. I talk to DD all the time, though I think she zones out on me a lot. Most of her problems stem from desperately trying to keep up with her peers and what they think of her and she takes her anger out on us - who she is most comfortable with and who she knows loves her.

Sleep on it - things will look better in the morning.

Catnao · 14/01/2011 00:36

No - you're probably right - but I slapped my mum once when I WAS ABOUT 16.

I JUST THINK IT'S BED TIME NOW, AND THE MORNING MIGHT LOOK DIFFERENT/BETTER IF THE op GETS SOME SLEEP.

Didn't mean to shout - just caps lock.

Hope you work things out, OP.

charliesmommy · 14/01/2011 00:37

I was a rebellious teen. I never once lifted a finger to my mother, nor would I have dared to.

This wasnt an off the cuff punch in temper either.. this was sustained punching.

That is NOT normal teen behaviour that a parent should accept. Ever.

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