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Feel like such a heartless b***h but really im out of my depth with this womans problems and lies

(61 Posts)
stoppinattwo Tue 21-Dec-10 21:34:27

This has been going on for some time now, this poor lady knocks at my door with children in tow, she has some massive problems at home, I think her husband hits her (infact Im 100% definate he does) the kids are so affected by instability that goes heart goes out to her it really does....she has 5 kids and is probably in her late 20's.

BUT I never get a straight answer out of her about what her problem is, she seems so scared/ paranoid and her conversation is so random and disjointed (not sure there arnt drugs involved)

Anyway tonight she has called with a HUGE shiner, with a story that someone broke into her house whilst she was there with the kids and she was so scared she jumped out of the window and hence the black eye!!!

I dont doubt she did jump out of a window but im guessing she was trying to get away from her partner - I mean it was supposed to have happened at 11.00am in the morning....

My door has always been open to her, and I know she is increadibly scared of something but I really dont know what to do for her, all my suggestions are ignored...Im losing patience but I dont want to turn my back on her, If anything serious happened to either her or the kids I would never forgive myself....(the youngest boy who is 4, walked into my living room, i beconed him over and his mum called him back he looked at her ignored her and came and sat on my knee which made me feel quite awkward as he hardly knows me really but was prepared to come to me)

I just really dont know what to do, I have tried to write as much as I can to recall everything but Im sure there is more as I think about it....Her stories are so inconsistent but it is obvious she is crying out for help sad

FabbyChic Tue 21-Dec-10 21:36:05

All you can do is be there for her, tell her that you are happy to offer advice but she needs to be honest with you so you can get her the help she needs.

altinkum Tue 21-Dec-10 21:36:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Tue 21-Dec-10 21:37:06

Try talking to social services or other agencies?

Can't help really. Hope someone who knows can.

scurryfunge Tue 21-Dec-10 21:39:36

Make a referral to Social Services. She is asking for help.

TrappedinSuburbia Tue 21-Dec-10 21:41:02

Could you offer to let her call womens aid from your house or would that be a step to far?

stoppinattwo Tue 21-Dec-10 21:42:22

I called SS some time ago.....couple of years ago now, she had left her eldest home alone and he had gone out on his bike and got knocked over by a van....I picked him up off the road sad.....and phoned the ambulance and then just as then she returned (she had gone to McDonalds with her partner to get thier tea!
Im not trying to make her sound like a bad mother, just giving the reason I phoned SS, at the time I was furious with her.

She just seems like such a stressed woman and Im tryin not to judge her but I think she needs to do the phoning of SS herself, she is a fantastic actress and I think in the right frame of mind she will fool them that all is ok, for fear of losing them.

stoppinattwo Tue 21-Dec-10 21:43:10

losing the kids I mean

Alouiseg Tue 21-Dec-10 21:43:45

Agree, she is asking for help. Any idea what the police would do if you informed them of the suspected violence against her?

scurryfunge Tue 21-Dec-10 21:44:30

Call Social Services - you do not have to be judgemental, just state the facts and say you have concerns about her.

Bingtata Tue 21-Dec-10 21:45:07

Do you have kids yourself? Be careful because I can still remember being petrified as a kid because our neighbour would come round black and blue and I knew that it was her DH had hit her. I wasn't very old either - about 8, it was very scary and I thought he would hit my mum too.

I agree with what the above posters say, but do be careful about your own children. I'm not saying turn her away at all BTW.

stoppinattwo Tue 21-Dec-10 21:46:12

suburbia....I dont think that she can see a way out of this and when I talk to her it is almost as if the lights are on but nobody is there....

God I can just see this turning so bad - I feel so bad for her but I think there are some things she is going to have to do for herself....Like ditch the waste of space she is with and concentrate on her kids

Pancakeflipper Tue 21-Dec-10 21:48:00

don't under-estimate your support. She obviously feels able to run to you. But you cannot alone resolve this so you need third party help. Have you the same GP's/ HV/ school teachers ? Might be worth a chat with them?

And SS which seems a big jump forward but they may be already aware there are issues in the family.

izzywizzywoowooo Tue 21-Dec-10 21:48:38

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

I would phone SS and tell them your concerns otherwise it might be too late, horrible to think/say but it's true.

Good luck.

stoppinattwo Tue 21-Dec-10 21:49:28

Bingtata...that is another thing that worries me, DD was in earlier when she knocked and I was worried about her listening in on our conversation.

Im not afraid in the least by this womans husband, he is a leech in my books and I would floor him in a heart beat grin but Im not going to get involved. Im so tempted with calling SS again, Im not working tomorrow so I will think about doing that

CarGirl Tue 21-Dec-10 21:50:14

I wounder if you could tell her that if her the kids ever need to get away on their own for some space you know somewhere she can go without anyone else knowing?

Obviously I'm referring to a WA shelter, you could then drop her off there? I would speak to WA and ask them about what immediate services they could offer her if she ever took you up on the offer?

stoppinattwo Tue 21-Dec-10 21:51:28

I just dont want her to think that I have in some way undermined her trust by speakign to SS.....last time I spoke to them she found out some how that it was me sad

Jux Tue 21-Dec-10 21:53:49

I agree. She is screaming out for help, but is too frightened/ashamed to ask for it or to tell anyone about what is going on in her life.

Can you steer the conversation round to DV, without making it personal? Tell her you were just listening to a programme on the radio about it and how dreadful it is that some men hit their partners (no need to get into the idea that women do it too here), and that lots of women don't tell because they're ashamed but they really really don't need to be.... You wrote down the numbers of Women's Aid etc - "here, look, I was so horrified" and so on.

I think you need to emphasise how the perpetrator can be 'neutralised' pretty effectively straight away, so no come back on her for telling.

Is that all total bullshit and a really bad idea? There are loads of people here who know how to deal with this.

stoppinattwo Tue 21-Dec-10 21:53:55

she has weaved an increadibly tangled web and I only know a small % of what is going on, Like i said earlier I never get a straight answer from her..either she is truly terrified or making up a story of lies as she goes along..

stoppinattwo Tue 21-Dec-10 21:56:55

Jux you make very good sense...but Im not explaining myself very well, she is in complete denial...and she seems to lack the ability to look forward, she lives literally by the minute and tbh my concern is with the children, she is an adult and has legs to walk away, and there will be plenty of people to help (sorry angry head talking now)

The kids have no choice, I will think about what to say to SS tomorrow

QueenGigantaurofMnet Tue 21-Dec-10 21:58:02

she is crying out for you to give her the help she seems incapable of getting herself.

No matter what is happening inside that house, her children shouyld not be witnessing it.

conatct SS and give them as many of the details as you can. they will go round and investigate.

StewieGriffinsMom Tue 21-Dec-10 22:00:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl Tue 21-Dec-10 22:05:04

That's why I wonder if it's worth telling her that if she would like to move away with her dc and never have to look back you know somewhere she can go?

You could say that statment and see how she responds then make a judgement of phoning SS if she isn't going to take you up on it.

scottishmummy Tue 21-Dec-10 22:05:45

call ss ask for duty worker.this a vulnerable child/child protection hard as it is (and can be done anonymously). whatever goes on in there those children see it,and if it scares you imagine how they feel

PenelopeTitsDropped Tue 21-Dec-10 22:08:13

You HAVE to call SS.

This isn't a matter of allegiences. Forget the Friend for the moment.

It's the Children. She (by your own account) doesn't care for them adequately.

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