Integrating (lovely but exhausting) widowed MIL into my family events/holidays

[phoebemcpeepee]

My FIL passed away a few months ago and MIL is very lonely. She is spending Christmas with us and it's made me realised that as she will be staying with us a lot more often (she lives a 4 hour train journey away so will stay for long weekends/a week) and there are times we would normal be seeing my family for Sunday lunch etc that she will be with us & I'm not sure how/if it's fair to just expect my family to accommodate her.
Also, my parents own a house in Devon so family get-togethers happen most main holidays and now MIL is on her own, it seems obvious to bring her but I'm just not sure. None of my siblings or parents would say no and obviously feel bad she's on her own, BUT I suspect given the choice wouldn't have her there. This partly because they don't know her as well, but also she is quite draining as she talks non-stop and becomes very Hyacinth Bucket around my family (very difficult levels of wealth/class if there is such a thing anymore) and it's really awkward for everyone so I (selfishly) wouldn't always want her there.

How to handle it? Accept she's very much part of my immediate family now and apologise/explain in advance and give everyone an 'out' or keep her at arms length as far as my family are concerned even if it means less lunches & holidays for my DC. If it makes any difference, if she doesn't come away with us she won't get a holiday so do always feel bad about the family weeks we spend together with DC other grandparents knowing she'd love to go away with us.

[Notonthestairs]

I guess you will have to mix and match. Occasionally she can come with you but not always.

Presumably you don't have Sunday lunch with your family every Sunday & you won't have her with you every weekend - so some you will attend, some you will skip and do your own thing & some you take her along too.

Don't try to think too far ahead because you will drive yourself mad!

[Nearlytheretrees]

Dsis has similar. Her mil just assumes she can tag along to everything with them. She is nice enough but it changes the dynamic and we would prefer to sometimes see them without her mil

[Taoneusa]

I wonder is there a conversation to be had a dressing the elephant in the room. It would be nice to calm her hyacinth and make it clear that talking non stop isn’t easy to be around.

In the nicest possible way, she needs a hint or two?

[Plinkplonk1234]

Are you sure she would actually enjoy being with your extended family? It might make her feel sad or feel the lose of her husband more to be in the company of other couples. Are there times you all could visit her home instead so it seperates it a bit more?

[Elbie79]

From the very beginning make it kindly clear it won't be a default that she'll join in everything from now on. Impossible to undo if you fall into the habit of always including her. Your future self with thank you for the leeway - and only fair on your family too. Most, but not all, that'd be my approach.

Plus what can you do to encourage socialising and independence for her at home? Hard without her DH, but you guys are a long journey away and she needs to have diversions on her doorstep otherwise she'll atrophy.

She's lucky to have such a welcoming DIL.

[Username875645]

I think you are very sensitive to be aware of this situation and I understand why you want to tread carefully.

Having experienced something similar, my advice would be to take it bit by bit. You're all going through a massive adjustment and its easy to think "what happens with everything now?" and feel that you need to "do" something.

You have to do what's right for you as a family unit first and foremost. You can find ways that work for you all to support your grieving MIL, whether that is including her some of the time or not. It is not your, or your DH's, job to compensate what she has lost. Yes you can be there for her, support her and love her and include her when it feels right, but please stick within your own limits and boundaries.

This is unfamiliar territory for you all, so you need to take each family event or holiday or visit as an individual occasion and not take it for gospel that just because you did something once that you have now set the bench for all other events/weekends to come.

Most people do not want to be considered a sympathy invite, and most people feel it if they are included that way. So my view is that you should invite her when you genuinely want her there.

You don't say how old/able she is but the sad thing is that she will have to find her own way forward and it doesn't sound like you've had the kind of close knit, close proximity relationship so far, so unless it comes naturally, I don't think you have to feel obliged to create that right now.

It's really tricky... Sorry for your family's loss.

[rookiemere]

As others have said, it's important - if harsh - not to create the expectation that she will be invited to every family gathering on your side going forward.
Spend time with her by herself, maybe invite her to the occasional gathering, but also being brutally honest if she's hard work to be around, it's not fair on your family to have her there frequently.

[Just10moreminutesplease]

What if it was your own mother? Would you see her lonely or include her in events.

I think, that providing there is no backstory of awful behaviour, you include her as much as possible. It’s the right thing to do.

[Aderyn21]

I think you are setting yourself up for problems and resentment if you invite her to everything and expect your own family to either suck it up or see you less. Your own family is entitled to see you and the grandchildren without always having your mil present and it's not fair to expect them not to.
You will also come to resent your mil if you feel your freedom to live your own life is curtailed by always having to include someone else.
At the moment you have a decent relationship and the way to maintain that is to not set up the expectation that you will fill the gap left by your fil - you can't fill that gap and mil might not want you to try.
If I was her I would like to see you a bit more often but tbh I wouldn't want to always tag along to your family events.
It's horrible but the fact is that she is going to have to adjust to her new reality at some point because you can't fix this for her.

[Naughtynovembertree]

Mix and match, invite for some and not others.

[Whichnumbers]

How old is your MIL?

[OberthursGrizzledSkipper]

Has your MIL actually expressed a wish to be always with you? I can't think of anything worse than to be expected to join in with my DIL's family for every holiday and weekend.

When my DF died we started taking my DM on every holiday with us. It worked well for the first few years but then she started being really difficult so eventually we had to stop as it really wasn't fun for any of us. She still makes hints about how nice it would be for us all to go to xyz which we ignore.

Don't start a precedent.

[2bazookas]

A Sunday lunch ( you, MIL, your parents) would be much more flexible and adjustable than taking her with you to stay with your family for days or a holiday.

I'd try Sunday lunch and see how it goes. In nice weather you could combine it with a walk or a drink at the pub to dilute the MIL effect a bit.
If she's too much for some, people can arrive late and go home early.

[hopeishere]

How old is she? Does she want to be included?

Can you not visit her some of the time? Or take her elsewhere for a holiday?

I think if you set a precedent she is always included then it will be very hard to reverse.

[CoachBeardless]

I think it would be fair to invite her if it's your DH or DC birthday. But not to every single Sunday lunch or holidays to your family holiday home. Surely she wouldn't expect that?

[phoebemcpeepee]

Thanks some really useful observations and comments.

The odd Sunday lunch isn't such an issue as there's no chance she will leave her home town & has a network of friends and her own family nearby (albeit with lockdown & being FT carer to FIL for 3 years she will need to reconnect with some of them). I guess the main issue is when she comes to stay she will of course be our houseguest and therefore can't be excluded from our (daytime) socialising - half term for example she stayed for the week and came to my dad's birthday lunch, Christmas she will come to my sister's Boxing Day get-together - all ok this year as it's very recent and sympathy still running high but next Easter, summer - less so perhaps. And given our work/school commitments, school holidays are the most obvious if she's staying for longer and holidays will then be tricky.

To answer a few questions she is 79, a complete hypochondriac but very able and we have a good relationship but probably helped by distance/limited time together - pre covid we would see each other at theirs or ours every 3-4 months but rarely for longer than 3/4 days but likely to increase in frequency & length now.

And yes, we could holiday with her but we would have to pay for her and our budget would buy us a small house/caravan vs big house with pool and usually all the cousins

[cptartapp]

It's not your job to take her with you now everywhere. Not fair on your own family, or you and your DH.
What were her plans for possibly being left alone in older age? Has she joined any groups to ward off loneliness? Developed hobbies etc.
Surely she wouldn't allow you to involve her every time anyway, knowing the impact that might have.
I would also tread carefully and be very very wary of setting a precedent.

[phoebemcpeepee]

@hopeishere

How old is she? Does she want to be included?

Can you not visit her some of the time? Or take her elsewhere for a holiday?

I think if you set a precedent she is always included then it will be very hard to reverse.

Oh absolutely no question about her wanting to join in especially on holiday i've spent many years brushing over her very unsubtle hints!!! I can't say I blame her as FIL didn't 'do' holidays and we are lucky to have free (& amazing) place to stay.

[cptartapp]

She'd really expect to go with you on your family holiday!? Mmmm

[gabsdot45]

It would be nice to include her sometimes but you don't have to all the time.
My MIL. Lives 5 minutes from us and I often a week will go by without us seeing her. We invite her to a lot of things but ofter she's not invited and we never take her on holiday.

[LittleOverWhelmed]

Different people do it different ways.

Fortunately my mother lived relatively close. Also she did not like staying away from home (IBS etc - she was just more comfortable in her own home). My in-laws love the other side of the world and we would often visit them abroad (my mother didn’t come).

We always did Christmas with her (she came to stay with us) and made a fuss of her on her birthday. Did something each Easter and Mother’s Day and regularly saw her in between. But otherwise we left her to live her own life too. We didn’t do holidays together. I haven’t holidayed with my parents as an adult and - to be honest - teen holidays with them weren’t hugely fun either.

There is a mixture of care and family time and also enjoying some time by yourselves. You need a balance.

Try and help her to build her own life as well as enjoy times with you.

[Santaischeckinglists]

Mix it up a bit and send dh /dh +dc to stay with her... You are not obliged to fill gaps in her life all the time. Presumably she has friends. Or can join suitable clubs for a 79 yo!! She is an adult. She doesn't need a minder.

[Aderyn21]

You aren't obliged to have her stay every school holiday. Adults have to understand that they aren't your only relative and that they aren't part of your family's family!
Tread very carefully

[Aderyn21]

That said, I would not see her alone at Christmas for example, and I think it would be unreasonable if your own family expected that. But normal summer holidays and half terms are different

[phoebemcpeepee]

Definitely right about not wanting to set a precedent so I'll put DH in charge of manage her expectations as regardless of my family, I don't want every single holiday for evermore to have her here however lovely she is .

Completely hear what you're saying about making a life for herself and she was always very sociable but with Covid (particularly hard hit area) and being carer to FIL she now barely sees anyone.