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Oh help . Have just told family I’m moving out .

(55 Posts)
desperatelyneedingidependance Fri 12-Feb-21 11:26:23

Now having a massive wobble .

I’m currently living at home with my mum, who has disabilities and needs some level of care (variable) . I’m thirty . I’m studying from home distance learning but have been offered to take up a place face to face learning when and if covid retreats a bit .

I’ve told the uni I’m happy with that . I’ve explained to my mum who says she’s happy with that .

I’ve just explained to my mum’s mother - my gran - who is utterly devastated - almost in tears .

I’m thirty, I want to have relationships, sex, friends, to go out in the evening, to go on holiday, to have my own money, to make my own choices, to make mistakes and to feel independent .

At present I can’t do any of those things - it’s my mums house so her choices etc .

I know I’m going to get a big backlash from family for making this choice and terrified of what’s coming next, hands are shaking but did I do the right thing ?

I keep remembering a conversation with my GP several years ago, GP said to me if I didn’t start putting myself first I’d end up 70, alone and realising I never really had a life .

I’m thirty and already realising I’ve lost out on a lot .

I’m not sure if I’ve done the right thing and if making that decision is just selfish, I’ve already talked to my mums MH team and GP who are in full support, but I’m so worried . I don’t want to fail my mum in some way .

OP’s posts: |
HilaryBriss Fri 12-Feb-21 11:28:21

You definitely did the right thing, your GP was right and you should remember that. You have your own life to live.

If your mum is happy with you moving out, why is your gran so upset?

Pashazade Fri 12-Feb-21 11:29:03

Well done for making a change for yourself. Your mum is probably really pleased in spite of everything, she probably worries about you getting stuck in the same situation however much she appreciates your help. It sounds like all the support is there for your mum, so take this opportunity for yourself and run with it!

ineedaholidayandwine Fri 12-Feb-21 11:29:15

OP you need a life too, you have no way done anything wrong, you've been amazing doing this until now.
Go enjoy yourself

autumnboys Fri 12-Feb-21 11:30:10

You’re doing exactly the right thing. Wise words from your GP. flowers

growinggreyer Fri 12-Feb-21 11:30:11

Your gran has had her life. It presumably included dating, sex, etc as you are the proof of that! Now it is your turn, and you have your own Mum's permission. The future is yours and you should seize it with both hands. Good luck, it will be amazing. flowers

unmarkedbythat Fri 12-Feb-21 11:30:16

I’m not sure if I’ve done the right thing and if making that decision is just selfish, I’ve already talked to my mums MH team and GP who are in full support, but I’m so worried . I don’t want to fail my mum in some way .

You don't sound remotely selfish! Your mum is happy for you, your mum's practitioners support this, and you are a person who deserves your own, full, happy life. It sounds as if you have supported and prioritised your mum for years? I bet she is massively proud of you and excited for you and loves you as much as you clearly love her, and wouldn't want you to feel a moment's guilt.

You are doing the right thing smile

intheshedyes Fri 12-Feb-21 11:32:56

You are doing the right thing!! I know she's hurt that your moving on, she loves you and you moving out is a sign that your a big woman now. But at the same time, she should be happy that your getting on with your lives. Some adults are not able to live independently!

user1732578431456 Fri 12-Feb-21 11:34:15

Your gran should be proud of you for building your own life. It's not healthy for you to continue as you have or to be facing emotional manipulation to stop you from developing independence.

You shouldn't face backlash from family and it's sad that the dynamics in your family mean you expect to.

Change and the unknown are always scary, but the fear is temporary and facing the changes takes you somewhere better.

Don't give up now. I too agree with your GP.

Have you posted about your situation before? It feels familiar and if you're the poster I remember I am really pleased for you.

Either way, you've taken a courageous step not a selfish one. The only person at risk of being failed here is yourself .

FoxtrotOscarPoppet Fri 12-Feb-21 11:34:22

You’re not failing your mum.
Family members like to wade in with strong opinions but it’s your life to live - not theirs.

As a mum, I want my children to enjoy life, have wonderful experiences and make the most of it. You deserve nothing less. smile

Go and enjoy yourself. flowerswine

Apileofballyhoo Fri 12-Feb-21 11:54:49

The most successful parents raise happy and independent adults. That's what your DM wants for you. Family members can fuck off with their opinions. If they have genuine concerns about your DM's care, they can step up, and they have been wrong and selfish to rely on you to do whatever needs doing.

MzHz Fri 12-Feb-21 11:56:38

We mums want to to see our children soar and fly and LIVE!

Your GP has said exactly the right thing- and they are not a relative so are not just blowing smoke up your bum. Listen to them.

Listen to us, we want to see what you can do! We want to see you rise!

You’re doing the right thing. You absolutely are.

poorbuthappy Fri 12-Feb-21 11:58:26

I assume from the reaction of your gran that she will have to step in?
You have to do what is right for you.

DishingOutDone Fri 12-Feb-21 11:58:49

I too would like to ask why is your gran so upset? Do you provide care for her too or do you think she was planning that you would? Are there any other family around? How far away will you be living?

I would expect both your mum and your gran to be delighted for you, maybe they have some concerns but they can't make them your concerns. I would be horrified if I made my DD feel she had to live with me to provide carer, even if I was desperate.

DNHandTNS Fri 12-Feb-21 12:00:31

So sorry OP for your wobble, but your GP is right. It's your Mother's fault if she is controlling your life.
You owe no one anything. This is your life.
She can get carers. Carers have lives outside caring because they are paid and get to go home. Let her get some of those and live your own life! At 30, you have missed a lot already, but it's not too late to live and have your own life. I'm thinking you're capable, intelligent, pretty and cool- but they know that. Often when people try to control us, they know what we are capable of, but they don't want us to know. Family should want you to be happy, not control you, limit you and selfishly block you from living how you want and need.
Go. Run. Do. not. look. back.
Life is to be lived. flowers

Boardeduplife Fri 12-Feb-21 12:01:54

Don’t have a wobble. You have a right to a life yourself. Keep looking forward. You have exciting things to come 💐

desperatelyneedingidependance Fri 12-Feb-21 12:05:17

Thank you all so so much . Yes posted before . I’m so excited to be able to go back to face to face teaching, Zoom has been a good way of sort of phasing in but can’t wait to get back to normal . I’ve been two years since taking time out of study now, it’s been a long two years .

I’m not sure why my gran is so upset - I think yes, wanting me to support her too with things, but I have sixteen cousins, several uncles and aunts and a huge wider family, most of whom are in driving distance - it doesn’t all need to depend on me .

Mum will cope I think and if she doesn’t then she will get support from MH team, I’m still able to phone and visit but I don’t think she needs me to live with her 24/7 . As happy as I am, I do need to be able to build a life for myself too !

Thanks all so much, has helped a lot to realise I’m not doing anything wrong here !

OP’s posts: |
Heatherjayne1972 Fri 12-Feb-21 12:05:48

Your family are reacting because mums care will not be done by you if you move out
And they might have to step in

No that doesn’t make you selfish. You’ve only got one life.
You need to live it.

I agree with your GP

ktp100 Fri 12-Feb-21 12:11:33

GO YOU!!!!

Your GP is right. Your Mum & Gran are clearly coming from a place of love but sometimes that love can be stifling and can stop you from having a life.

Go and do ALL of the things, OP! Hopefully Covid will feck off enough for you to get to uni and travel and get out into the World.

Cliche alert, but it really is your oyster, OP.X.

ChaToilLeam Fri 12-Feb-21 12:11:57

Don’t fall for your gran’s manipulation. Time some of the rest of your large family stepped up to help. It is wonderful that your mum understands and is happy for you.

Whatsnewpussyhat Fri 12-Feb-21 12:12:53

Yes get out asap.
Not sure why you don't have charge of your own finances and are unable to go on holiday or have friends and relationships though just because you live with your mother.
Are you actually that controlled or is it just an excuse not to go and have a life for yourself?

DaphneBridgerton Fri 12-Feb-21 12:13:04

You ABSOLUTELY are doing the right thing. You can still support your mum emotionally and financially to a point, if you choose to. But you must go and live your life. I have a friend who waited a lot longer than you did and she has stayed stuck where all our friends are moving forward with life, relationships, children, careers etc. Please do this for yourself and do NOT feel bad.

Groovinpeanut Fri 12-Feb-21 12:13:47


Your family are reacting because mums care will not be done by you if you move out
And they might have to step in

No that doesn’t make you selfish. You’ve only got one life.
You need to live it.

I agree with your GP

Definitely agree with this!

SinkGirl Fri 12-Feb-21 12:17:14

Your GP is totally right. This happened to my uncle. He stayed at home caring for his mum until he retired - within a couple of weeks of retiring he died of a heart attack. Never had a longterm partner, children, etc. He was such a good man and his life was wasted. Don’t end up like that.

DNHandTNS Fri 12-Feb-21 12:17:18

They will have to step in. And it's their turn. Carers can be employed.

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