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(68 Posts)
Jebediah Mon 03-Aug-20 20:24:35

Name changed for this; been here a long time, but this is quite outing and friends/family know my usual username..
Our house has a separate 'sort-of' flat; it's a lounge, bathroom, small bedroom and a kitchenette. Not its own front door, you to go through our house to get to it.

A retired relative has asked if they can live there. They have said that they would prefer not to have to cook for themselves but would join us for evening meal. They would do their own washing, cleaning etc.

I know we should ask for more than just the cost of food as there's actually shopping cooking storing food (and apparently he'd like to use his own wine glasses, so storing those as well, and whatever other kitchen stuff he decides he actually wants to keep).

We've an idea about how much rent we'd want to charge, and utilities, but if we were to go for this, I know there's more involved than just the cost of extra food. There's having to cook every evening, there's washing up, there's wear and tear on the washing machine and dryer, and quite possibly thing I haven't even thought of.

We were considering the possibility of ds living in that area when he's back from Uni (he's at GCSEs now).

I'm tempted to say no as we just haven't thought it through fully yet, but at the same time, we are desperate for money, and this would be very helpful.

OP’s posts: |
Jargo Mon 03-Aug-20 20:33:47

Absolutely impossible to say without knowing what your average food bill per person in the household is and which area you are in. Would they pay portions of council tax, bills etc?

Zone 2 London Hostel 420 pounds a week in a room of four, cleaner and security included but not food and cooking.

molifly14 Mon 03-Aug-20 20:35:40

Will they have own room? Are you providing one meal or three? Are they working? Full time or part? Own bathroom or shared?

jessstan2 Mon 03-Aug-20 20:42:48

Op has already said it consists of:
a lounge, bathroom, small bedroom and a kitchenette.

Would this be a permanent arrangement or just for a while? The place sounds ideal for your son when he is older and you might find yourself stuck with this relative for good, especially as he is retired.

You have to work out whether you want to be eating with him every night or even if you want to cook that often. Your freedom will be curtailed if you have to do that.

I'd suggest he can take the little flat for a couple of years but you won't provide meals. See what he says to that. As he is retired he will have plenty of time to sort out food.

I've no idea what you would charge a relative. Look at what price such accommodation is going for and take some off as he is family.

However my instincts are telling me to tell you, "Don't do it".

sorryforswearing Tue 04-Aug-20 01:44:30

Don’t do it. I have a friend who did similar. She feels obliged to do more and more as elderly relative gets older. Some days she doesn’t want to cook but feels obliged to. Often things she would cook don’t appeal to relative. She feels uncomfortable not inviting relative out if she’s going out for a meal etc with family or round if they have people to visit. What happens if you go away on holiday? Also what if you want to move? This situation is fraught with difficulties. I told my friend not to do it but she did and now wishes she’d listened to me.

Thisismytimetoshine Tue 04-Aug-20 01:55:17

What relative is it? The request to not cook for themselves but join you for your evening meal is a bit intrusive.
Will they keep their own place, or would you be stuck with them for good even if it didn't work out?
Personally I'd just tell them it was earmarked for your ds.

whereistherum Tue 04-Aug-20 02:00:18

I would probably say no, but if you are in need of the money could you do something like airbnb

AmICrazyorWhat2 Tue 04-Aug-20 02:04:47

I agree with @sorryforswearing, I think you’re going to end up caring for this relative as they age. That’s fine if it’s what you’d do anyway, but if It’s not part of the plan, I wouldn’t have them move in. I don’t see how you could ask them to leave if/when your DS wants to live there, it would probably cause major family ructions and not be v. nice for them.

CoffeeBeansGalore Tue 04-Aug-20 02:08:30

Will you feel "intruded on" as they will have to go through your personal space to access the area? You may resent the loss of privacy.
Their expectations may increase & make you feel like a maid in your own home. Will they make drinks in your kitchen, leave spilt sugar & soggy teabags on the worktop & forget to put the milk back in the fridge? Not clear up after a late night snack & the kitchen you left spotless before you went to bed will be a mess to wake up to?
Extra noise (snoring, whistling, loud phone conversations, tv or radio left on), annoying habits will eventually irritate you & your home will no longer be your haven. As they are retired they will not be leaving the house daily as they would if they were working.
In winter would they be turning up the heating & massively increasing your household bills.
If they are ill or become impaired will you end up as default unpaid carer?
It would be a big no from me, and certainly not worth the short term extra money.

BarbaraofSeville Tue 04-Aug-20 06:27:11

Will they make drinks in your kitchen, leave spilt sugar & soggy teabags on the worktop & forget to put the milk back in the fridge? Not clear up after a late night snack & the kitchen you left spotless before you went to bed will be a mess to wake up to

All that sort of thing should be constrained to the kitchenette. Perfectly adequate for preparation of drinks, snacks, etc. If there's a microwave, fridge and kettle, they'd be able to do quite a lot in there, no need to use the main kitchen.

I agree that this is potentially fraught with difficulties, especially over issues such as cleaning of the flat. Obviously this is the responsibility of the occupant, but how will the OP feel if they don't keep it clean and tidy.

What about use of washing machine/dryer? Utilities - what if they want the heating on all the time or use the washing machine for lots of small loads, or want to use the tumble dryer on a dry day?

OP, you know this person and whether or not you'd like them to be around a lot. Are they likely to keep themselves to themselves or will they be following you round the house talking to you all the time when you're busy or want some quiet time?

Where do they live now and what will they do if you do need the room back for DS to use in a few years time? Why do you think they want to live with you? Cheap digs, company/help with meals or something else?

cptartapp Tue 04-Aug-20 06:38:17

They're lining you up to be their carer and runaround as they age and become frail. Already assuming you will cook for them every day. Outrageous request. Board is the least of your worries.
Your DS is your priority here, elderly relative will have to make their own changes without relying on you. Think long term.
Don't do it.

userxx Tue 04-Aug-20 06:56:27

It sounds like a big responsibility, I don't think I'd be wanting to tie myself into that.

caringcarer Tue 04-Aug-20 07:09:24

Does the annex have own gas and electricity metres? If not this cost would have to be factored in.

caringcarer Tue 04-Aug-20 07:14:39

Unless it was either my parent or DH parent my answer would be no because you are saving it for your DC when he is at uni. Your D's may be really glad of a helping hand in the future. My 2 adult D's live in our loft conversion. It is quite private for them as an enormous room each with fridge, kettle, toastie maker etc and shower room. It allows them to save for house deposit whilst learning to be a bit more independent.

billy1966 Tue 04-Aug-20 07:24:24

OP,

You definitely haven't thought this through!

You are being lined up as carer.

Is it a male?

You are being sold a pup if you agree to this.

How about asking a local EA what the rooms would rent for.

Your family menu will be dictated by this person.
You will have to cook when you don't want to.
Do little jobs.
Pick things up for this person.
Drive them?

All for some nominal amount.

Would you ever be able to get them out?

I can see the appeal for your relative but for YOU.
God no.

This is a disaster waiting to happen.
flowers

BeingATwatItsABingThing Tue 04-Aug-20 07:28:21

For me, it would depend on who the relative was. Having my mother living with us would change the dynamic in the house and I couldn’t cope with that.

I personally would hate to have someone else living in my house with us. It would always feel like an intrusion and constantly having to cook for them would be a nightmare.

Sorry. I haven’t answered your question.

canyousmellthebull Tue 04-Aug-20 07:30:48

I couldn't be arsed with committing to that. Presumably he cooks for himself now? What if you and DH just fancy eating out, or having beans on toast because you don't fancy cooking? Sounds like you'll be running an hotel.

If you get on very well, I might consider it as a short term test run, but make it very clear that you'll only cook for them when it suits you. Also make it clear that it isn't permanent and you will want it back for dc.

imnotimportant Tue 04-Aug-20 07:45:35

What would happen if you were to go away on holiday ? was unwell ? wanted to be out for the evening? wanted a take away ? worked late ?
I would rather look to letting the space out as an occasional air b& b and having it available for when your son was home - occasionally let probably would give you a similar income to a permanent lodger

MsJuniper Tue 04-Aug-20 08:24:19

This does sound like a potential minefield. If you want to make it work, then I'd say you won't be cooking for them and definitely charge enough to cover wear and tear. You would need to get a proper agreement written up and I'd include a regular review to make sure it's working for both parties. I'd also make it clear it's not permanent as you want DS to live there when he is older (you don't have to clarify the age this would happen).

Alternatively, if you live near any theatres it sounds perfect for theatre digs so you could try and get on some lists for that. We found it a good way to bring in extra income but easy to control when the room was occupied.

user5656 Tue 04-Aug-20 08:29:14

Does this person have a car?
If yes, is there parking space for it?
If no, you could end up providing a taxi service.

BeingATwatItsABingThing Tue 04-Aug-20 08:48:15

We were considering the possibility of ds living in that area when he's back from Uni (he's at GCSEs now).

Just reread this bit. Does your DS want to do this? He may not want to come back home from uni. My sister never did.

LaureBerthaud Tue 04-Aug-20 09:12:30

£450-£500 per calendar month for accommodation.
They keep breakfast/lunch/snacks in their kitchenette and prepare them and eat them there.
Eat with you 4 evenings a week for £25. Bring your own booze.
If you're not around to cook/don't feel like it they can help themselves to a frozen meal from your freezer. Or poach an egg in their kitchenette.

Only do this if you're going to make them welcome when they join you for meals but know they will respect your boundaries because this is fundamentally a cordial, mutually beneficial financial relationship.

Nosuchluck Tue 04-Aug-20 09:42:56

I'd charge at least £800 per month and wouldn't commit to cooking every evening meal. My MIL moved into a serviced apartments type of set up where her meals were provided and it cost £1100 per week. What you would be providing doesn't sound very different to her set up.

Redlocks28 Tue 04-Aug-20 09:45:59

I would hate that and say no-it’s actually pretty cheeky of them. Who is it? Do you want to live with them?

I would feel huge amounts of resentment if they were saving a fortune, I wasn’t actually benefitting that much and I was feeding another person every day for the read of their life.

LaureBerthaud Tue 04-Aug-20 10:06:25

I'd charge at least £800 per month

That would be £9,600 pa.
I think OP would have to pay tax on anything above £7,500 pa.

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