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My fiancé has a 3 month old son with his ex and I'm 3 months pregnant

(117 Posts)
Bhengu02 Wed 24-Jul-19 03:24:02

I've been having such a difficult time trying to be ok with this crazy phase in my life.

I met my fiancé almost two years ago, we started off as friends, we were both in relationships and ended up breaking up with our ex's, a year later we both started our own thing and were ready to start our lives together, just about 2 months into it his ex (rebound) announced her pregnancy by him, he had told her he didn't want the baby and they both planned to go terminate but she suddenly vanished when she learned that he's moved on with me. So he thought she decided to go through it on her own but she didn't, her aunt called his mom letting her know about the situation and made it seem like I'm the reason he didn't want her and the unborn child...anyway that's when the chaos began. I was ready to give up our relationship and let him focus on his child and this woman who seemed very certain to get him back but he didn't want that he begged me to stay and face this together. It was the hardest thing to deal with even now still because she appears and disappears and it messed me up. We still had time to move on with our lives...things got more serious between us and now we engaged, three months back she gave birth and things were tense between him and I. I wanted to give him space so that he can enjoy the joys of being a father because he's always wanted that. But he didn't want that. Now I'm pregnant (he's always wanted that with me) but things are way more difficult for me, because he still has to focus on his son and currently I feel like our relationship is under alot of strain because we hardly see each other and I've been going in and out of hospitals due to feeling sick, depressed and lonely, he doesn't seem to see how serious this is for me.

What do I do?

Rachelover40 Wed 24-Jul-19 17:32:28

Well, I can't tell you what you should do, but I would have a termination and dump him.

Then I would spend some time single and grow up before even considering whether to get into a relationship with another grown up, rather than this loser.


So would I!
That has been suggested three times now and I'm only on page 1.
Then move on, live your life and avoid pregnancy until you are in a stable relationship and really want a baby.

ZenNudist Wed 24-Jul-19 17:27:28

OP gone? Do you want a baby? Or did you want a family with him? If the former then carry on as a single parent (not ideal). Or i guess abort but thats awful.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin Wed 24-Jul-19 17:18:57

People really should use contraception. Poor kids being brought into this shit drama.

WellThisIsShit Wed 24-Jul-19 16:53:31

Oh dear, this all sounds very unhealthy and I hope you have the strength to move away from this dysfunctional dynamic.

Hoppinggreen Wed 24-Jul-19 16:45:09

People don’t disappear or vanish
He’s awful and you are going to be a single parent (or he’s going to come in and out if your life when he wants something/finds another mug to impregnate

Lizzielocket Wed 24-Jul-19 16:42:16

isabellerossignol no I wasn’t joking, in between the glitter, fluff and hunning there is sound advice delivered more kindly than it is on MN. But no it’s cool and edgy to tell it how it is right? It is when the op is in her 30’s or 40’s but not her teens. I’ve seen far worse situations on the Relationship boards by women double op’s getting more understanding and kindness.
It is depressing but I have a DD and a DSD, I would hope they would be able to come to me with such a monumental life fuck up than post on an anonymous site for advice. It shows that op doesn’t have anybody close to talk to about her situation. It’s very sad. She must be feeling very lonely indeed.

HeadintheiClouds Wed 24-Jul-19 16:16:52


SilverySurfer Wed 24-Jul-19 16:08:11

The messy part is that he actually didn't use protection with her

Well, since you're pregnant he presumably didn't use protection with you either. Not sure why you didn't take responsibility for your own contraception. Oh yes, of course, it's lurve, he would never do to you what he did to his previous women except he has. hmm

What to do? Tell him to fuck off, raise your relationship bar a hell of a lot higher and get some decent contraception sorted.

Does anyone else find these threads so fucking depressing?

sneakypinky Wed 24-Jul-19 15:39:26

Absolute shit show. I would terminate the pregnancy for the good of everyone, block him on all channels, and move on.

No baby should be born into such nonsense.

HeadintheiClouds Wed 24-Jul-19 15:32:31

Do you already have a child, op? I can’t understand why people try to airbrush the situation they’re asking advice on, as if the advice based on a whitewash will be of any benefit whatsoever?? confused
If it’s just pats on the head and “handholds” they’re after, what use are they from strangers online when they still have to live out their (unvarnished) lives in the real world?

SnuggyBuggy Wed 24-Jul-19 15:10:41

I'm sorry but I'm really cynical about pretending that these sorts of dysfunctional situations are anything other than fucked up for all involved. It may be too late for the OP but she could at least consider working on her self esteem so her DC has a chance to make a decent life for themself.

TuesdaySunshine Wed 24-Jul-19 15:07:32

What you have is a man who has had three serious relationships in just over two years, two of which have resulted in pregnancies. How the original girlfriend managed to escape unscathed we will never know.

Perhaps she has fertility problems secondary to untreated chlamydia and perhaps all the other women in this picture have it now too.

OP, I know this thread hasn't been gentle on you, but you really do need to wise up a bit about what kind of man you're dealing with and what some of the consequences may end up being for you. You need to develop greater respect for yourself and for your body, and give some urgent thought to what you want (not what 'he's always wanted'). His rampant sexual incontinence is a clear indication that he's not putting your wellbeing at high priority, so you need to make sure you do.

BlondeLikeBoJo Wed 24-Jul-19 15:01:06

There is some good advice here, yes, but I don’t think it constitutes ‘hunning’ to show some consideration to the fact that the OP appears to be young and quite vulnerable, given her pregnant status.

SlothMama Wed 24-Jul-19 15:00:11

He needs to stop impregnating women and you shouldn't have planned a baby with him. If he's so willing to drop his ex and their child what do you think will happen to yours?

SnuggyBuggy Wed 24-Jul-19 14:22:11

I know some of the comments are harsh but to be blunt if I was to die before my DD reached reproductive age and she found herself in a situation like this I'd bloody hope there would be people prepared to be honest with her about how it is likely to play out, not giving her that hun crap.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 24-Jul-19 13:21:33

@Bhengu02 If he was out of the picture for some reason, would you still want this baby? Do you want to be a single parent, and do you have the support you'd need?

PepsiLola Wed 24-Jul-19 13:16:05

Is he definitely the dad of child 1? Has there been a dna test?

theworldistoosmall Wed 24-Jul-19 12:34:05

The op might not be young. I've met woman in their 30's in similar situations.

Honestly, I would dump in, get a termination, get tested and get some counselling to work on self-esteem.

The thing with these 'players' is they are all about the talk. An instant red flag he always wanted a child with you. It's how they pull you in and think of them as partner material. To enforce this he asked you to marry him.

It sounds like he was fucking you both at the same time, and chances are there will be more that you don't know about. There are probably more children as well that you don't know about.

I'm sorry to say he really doesn't care about you. You were just a fuck in a very long line of fucks. If he cared he would be showing up at the hospital. I've been in and out over the past year and even ex casual hookups were constantly in touch and coming to see me to make sure I was ok. Offering their support when I've been at home on bedrest etc. This is what I would expect as the father of my child, never mind my fiance.

Future relationship. Ensure you are taking precaution and no condom well he can go fuck himself elsewhere. Take things slow and hold off introducing them to your home for a long time. You have to put your current child first and it's really not fair on them to have a string of men in and out of their lives. If your child is a girl - do you want her growing up thinking that she is simply there to be used by guys. If a boy - do you want him to go around producing loads of kids with loads of different females?

WhentheRabbitsWentWild Wed 24-Jul-19 12:02:56

I think some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. Picking at the OP's literacy skills, making assumptions about her family history, suggesting she should be on the Jeremy Kyle show whilst also accusing her of being immature and naive. The OP has not once risen to the insults which I think says alot about her.

This ^ ^

isabellerossignol Wed 24-Jul-19 11:54:54

Also I would try posting on Netmums with this as the women there are generally kinder and you will get some sound advice

This has to be a joke surely? There's nothing kind about telling the OP that it's all ok and you know what men are like etc. The situation is a mess and the OP needs to take responsibility and make some difficult choices if she is to have a better future.

BrokenWing Wed 24-Jul-19 11:41:22

OP as others have said you sound very young and a lot of there posts do sound harsh and cruel, but unfortunately for you every single on of them are true and you need to accept this.

You need to assume this "man" will fuck you about, will mess up your life, cannot be trusted or relied upon in any way and make your decisions based on that.

BenWillbondsPants Wed 24-Jul-19 11:12:35

OP I'm going to assume you're very young.

Do throw your life away on this prick.

You need to decide what's best for your own future because to be honest, he's not going to be in it long term is he. You can't honestly think he will. I'm sorry you find yourself in a shit situation like this.

LolaSmiles Wed 24-Jul-19 11:09:18

OP you seem young and very immature.

I don't think it needs saying more that he seems to jump from woman/girl to woman/girl having unprotected sex and does a disappearing act.

You need to look at your situation in the cold light of day and not pay any attention to his empty words (e.g. when he says he always wanted to have a baby with you after a couple of months he's full of shit and hoping to make you feel like you've won against his ex).

Option 1 - You continue the pregnancy, have the baby, prepare to be a single mum at best and at worst a single mum with a dad who pops up now and then.

Option 2 - End the pregnancy and cut him out.

Whatever you choose, you need to raise your bar and develop a belief that you are worth more than whatever lines the next fella spins you. If you don't I'm worried you'll drift from man to man (who probably had a line of children behind him) who'll spin you all the lines about being denied access to their children whilst playing dad to yours.

BlueSkiesLies Wed 24-Jul-19 11:07:48

The OP sounds very young. I don’t think she deserves the roasting she is getting here

Being 'young' isn't an excuse for popping out children with every casual shag is it? It is irresponsible and isn't setting either the OP or her child(ren) up for the best life possible.

MamaOfBothTeams Wed 24-Jul-19 11:06:15

I think you have to be prepared to be a single mum of 2 children, I wouldn't trust him

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