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Original poster

Desperate for advice

54 replies

Tooshyshy123 · 17/02/2024 10:55

Hi please forgive the ramble but this is the 1st time I've put this in writing.
I'm having serious problems at work (public sector, nursing, been there for just under 4 years).
I have just found out that a colleague has been bad mouthing me behind my back and has been doing so for a while. I was devastated as I thought we got on well. After speaking to him and other colleagues it seems like there has been loads of gossiping behind my back and venting about me. I didn't feel I could go to my line manager as he is good friends with one of these colleagues who has also been talking about me wife.
I did not know where to turn so spoke informally to a union rep who advised me to contact hr to seek advice.
I decided not to but asked if we could have a team chat and loads of grievances about me came out about my behaviour and attitude which I vehemently rebuke..some downright lies which luckily others were able to back me up on.

I did then decide to speak to team leader who basically took the others side and said lots of things that upset me.
He wants us as a team to do some work together but made it clear he saw me as the problem..to say I was devastated was an understatement.
Throwaway comments made to colleagues in group conversations have been twisted and repeated back to manager who is now angry and frustrated with me too. I have asked for mediation but am now terrified I am going to get sacked...my stomach is churning and I've been sick all night. This was my dream job and I worked hard to get my degree..please help

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 17/02/2024 10:57

mediation would be good
you surely wont be sacked.
do they have any valid points?

lateSeptember1964 · 17/02/2024 11:00

Hii so sorry to hear this. What band are you? Is this your first role post qualifying? As a nurse you have a skill set that is sought after. Teams become inward looking and sometimes it’s easier to acknowledge your time is done and look for new opportunities. Don’t let work make you ill x

Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 17/02/2024 11:01

Willmafrockfit · 17/02/2024 10:57

mediation would be good
you surely wont be sacked.
do they have any valid points?

I'm.not sure, I'm.not a sharer and don't talk about anything personal whereas others seem to share everything which I don't mind.
Many of these people gave worked together years and I definitely felt like a bit of an outsider when I started. I challenged, gently I think, some bitchiness a few months ago and I think this is at least one of the grievances

OP posts:
kinkyredboots · 17/02/2024 11:02

Have you been in the role long? It sounds like you are fairly new to it. It is hard to integrate into an already close team.

You could take this straight on and arrange a meeting between your line manager and team leader and get honest feedback and highlight where there have been differences of opinion or maybe comments taken out of context. Maybe get HR to sit on on this as well (maybe speak to them about your plans first). But there is sometimes something else behind it which you may be unaware of.

Get feedback on what they would like to see from you and how this situation can be addressed by everyone. It will look better you take control of the situation rather than waiting for them to call you.

Willmafrockfit · 17/02/2024 11:02

there is always one person who is the butt of gossip in many organisations, are you trying to fit in?

Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 17/02/2024 11:03

Willmafrockfit · 17/02/2024 10:57

mediation would be good
you surely wont be sacked.
do they have any valid points?

Band 5..I don't really want yo change jobs as this is so convenient for me and my family including young children. Also just taken on a fair sized mortgage so feel terrified of losing my job

OP posts:
Firstnews24 · 17/02/2024 11:04

at face value

all your colleagues
and your line manager

think there is a real problem with your attitude and behaviour

I think that you need to go to mediation with a a very open mind

Neriah · 17/02/2024 11:05

I'd ask the same questions as @Willmafrockfit
What you perceive as throwaway comments you have made are clearly not being taken in the same vein by many others you work with. From time to time most everyone says something that inadvertently annoys or upsets another person without meaning to. But when this is reportedly happening on multiple occasions and with multiple people, and management think that the issue is you, it really is time to examine your own position. You clearly don't agree with them... that does not mean they are wrong.

The only point of mediation is if both sides are willing to listen to the other, and to take action to resolved problems. That means you as well.

Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 17/02/2024 11:05

kinkyredboots · 17/02/2024 11:02

Have you been in the role long? It sounds like you are fairly new to it. It is hard to integrate into an already close team.

You could take this straight on and arrange a meeting between your line manager and team leader and get honest feedback and highlight where there have been differences of opinion or maybe comments taken out of context. Maybe get HR to sit on on this as well (maybe speak to them about your plans first). But there is sometimes something else behind it which you may be unaware of.

Get feedback on what they would like to see from you and how this situation can be addressed by everyone. It will look better you take control of the situation rather than waiting for them to call you.

New to this team.thank you that's good advice. I was so upset when manager spoke to me I'm not sure I made a good showing . Said I didn't share much about myself due to trust issues and he said if you don't trust them, they'll not trust or respect you in return. I guess he's right but I do try

OP posts:
Firstnews24 · 17/02/2024 11:06

sounds like you plan to attend mediation and deny / argue with everything.

give some time and thought as to whether at least some of the discussion points may be valid and how you can address

PaulGalico1 · 17/02/2024 11:07

I would make an appointment with your line manager to discuss a way forward. You mention 'throw-away' comments in group conversations - conversations on WhatsApp? Treat this as a learning opportunity and find a way to move forward. Can you take a side-ways move within the organisation?

Firstnews24 · 17/02/2024 11:08

what has your employment experience with colleague and management been like previous to this?

LadyLolaRuben · 17/02/2024 11:10

NHS Hospital Director here with 23 years HR experience.

Go straight to HR and tell them openly and honestly what's going on. Ask them for advice. Stick to everything they say. Keep your union close.

Let them take the strain navigating you all through this. The team and manager sound toxic. They have processes for this. It'll take a few months to resolve. Be open and honest, calm and polite at all times. And you will come out the other side. Its not easy but it is a storm in a tea cup. I've seen it time and time again

Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 17/02/2024 11:11

Hi thanks for the replies. I've never had any work issues previously so need to get to grips with what's happening here.
The throwaway comments relate to a conversation about trust when I said I barely trust anyone but that's just me..that got back to my line manager who was annoyed I spoke to union and my husband rather than send him an email to arrange an appointment to speak to him about my concerns

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 17/02/2024 11:12

I challenged, gently I think, some bitchiness a few months ago and I think this is at least one of the grievances

I'm sorry this all sounds like it's been a big shock and knocked you for six. It's understandable to react defensively and look for what they've done wrong in misinterpreting you or being actively toxic. However it's also worth considering your part in it more openly too. The above quote sounds like you're absolutely thinking the best of yourself - that the worst thing you've done is do a good thing gently for these bitchy people. Maybe that's the case but most situations are more half and half at least, and as your team leader is not agreeing with you, it could be worth more reflection to find a way forward as you do want to stay. Agree with others that mediation is needed and hopefully properly managed so both 'sides' can be more balanced and work things out.

Firstnews24 · 17/02/2024 11:13

OP would you regard yourself as someone who likes to “tell it how it is” is “straight-talking” “just being honest”?

LadyLolaRuben · 17/02/2024 11:14

Just seen your update. Dont be terrified about losing your job. You can't if you work to policies and procedures and conduct yourself well at all times.

It sounds like poor team management. Chances are the staff in question and manager have had previous HR issues. These things don't come out of no where all of a sudden. HR get fed up of hearing about the same names. You have no idea if any of them have previous warning on their files etc. Let HR sort it. You'll be fine if you take my advice, I promise. Be brave x

Firstnews24 · 17/02/2024 11:14

The throwaway comments relate to a conversation about trust when I said I barely trust anyone

in a profession where trust between colleagues is critical, I imagine that was rather offensive to your colleagues. Essentially you are undermining their skill

Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 17/02/2024 11:15

Firstnews24 · 17/02/2024 11:13

OP would you regard yourself as someone who likes to “tell it how it is” is “straight-talking” “just being honest”?

No I don't.. im very quiet normally but on this one occasion a lady who has been very kind to me was being criticised behind her back about her commitment but with a couple of comments thrown in about her personal hygiene and appearance. I could not not say anything

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 17/02/2024 11:16

If any shortcomings are identified on your part, take it with good grace. Apologise and commit to improving in those areas now youve been made aware. We're all human and the NHS is tough right now

Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 17/02/2024 11:17

Firstnews24 · 17/02/2024 11:14

The throwaway comments relate to a conversation about trust when I said I barely trust anyone

in a profession where trust between colleagues is critical, I imagine that was rather offensive to your colleagues. Essentially you are undermining their skill

I only meant in terms of talking about my personal life and kids

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 17/02/2024 11:22

It sounds like there's a "closed culture" in that team.

I welcome any of my staff going to their union, they should be giving the same advice I do - we all need to do things by the book and do that in a kind and caring way to each other.

If a manager feels threatened by outside input, they are "closed" which can breed bad practice/ conduct. Theres lots of closed culture info on internet for reading up

Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 17/02/2024 11:28

LadyLolaRuben · 17/02/2024 11:16

If any shortcomings are identified on your part, take it with good grace. Apologise and commit to improving in those areas now youve been made aware. We're all human and the NHS is tough right now

I will, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 17/02/2024 11:29

LadyLolaRuben · 17/02/2024 11:14

Just seen your update. Dont be terrified about losing your job. You can't if you work to policies and procedures and conduct yourself well at all times.

It sounds like poor team management. Chances are the staff in question and manager have had previous HR issues. These things don't come out of no where all of a sudden. HR get fed up of hearing about the same names. You have no idea if any of them have previous warning on their files etc. Let HR sort it. You'll be fine if you take my advice, I promise. Be brave x

Thank you, I am genuinely studying my own behaviour too. With small children, I am often tired and perhaps I have cone across as stand offish or unwilling to be a team member

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 17/02/2024 11:34

I'll keep watching this post for updates.

Please don't worry, HR see this day in and day out. I'm sick of it.

Also when a dysfunctional team get new staff who respectfully challenge and question (which are fundamental aspects of governance and safety) they can form an alliance to bully that person out/ into submission.

Stick with your union and HR!