Help with co-worker/boundaries

[Movinbaby]

Hi
I am struggling to implement some basic boundaries with a coworker. I know how I feel but feel guilty and horrible doing what I feel is best.
I work in a small office, mainly with women. I love my job and get on well with everyone. One woman is an oversharer and tells us far too much personal information. This gets us all down but lately it has really bothered me. I can't get my work done and it's making me feel very uncomfortable.
I have had one issue with her before as she has my telephone number. She called me at home and I could not get her off the phone for over 2 hours. I did set a boundary then and told her I would rather she did not call me at home.
She is having a hard time in her personal life at the moment (she is always having a hard time)and talks about this at work constantly. I have been trying to ignore these chats at let my colleagues deal with her. Last week, whilst at home, I got a message from her late at night asking why I wasn't talking to her at work, had she upset me etc. I messaged back telling her I was busy at work and that I did not want to get in trouble for talking too much. She confronted me again the next day at work and I repeated the same thing. She has just had some bad news to do with her Mum who sadly passed away. She told us all and I expressed my condolences to her. Last night I got another message from her which read "I hope you are not put off contacting me because my Mum has died. I would love to hear from you and don't want you to not contact me". I am not sure what that's all about really. I am not friends with her and don't want to be to be honest. I feel like she is pushing me to enter into a relationship that's more than I want and this is making me very anxious. I do struggle putting in boundaries with people and I feel terrible and mean and a bad, miserable person for not going along with her. The honest thing is that I don't like her that much. She is very needy and emotionally draining and I just don't have the strength or inclination for this at the moment. There are also some suggestions (from her) that she maybe drinking more than is good for her and I don't want to be caught up in this. How do I approach this please?

[Newestname001]

Actually I'd also mute/block her on your phone, assuming it's a personal phone? 🌹

[Movinbaby]

Hi everyone and thanks for your advice. I decided not to answer her text message. That took a lot for me to do as I felt horrible! I told my husband it was bothering me. He said what's the worse thing that would happen, she would get upset with you and not speak to you so much - win, win!!🤣
I am going to take your advice and limit my conversations with her at work and I won't be answering her calls or texts. If it continues at work, I will be speaking toy manager about it. I am sure he already knows there is an issue to be honest but I don't think he has spoken to her about it.

[PersonaNonGarter]

Who is in charge of the office? It sounds like this has gone on too long. She needs to get the personal boundaries sorted not you.

You sound like you are doing fine OP. Unfortunately, it might fall to you to speak to someone more senior.

[memberofthewedding]

Tell me about it!

I shared an office with a co worker and it was like working alongside a tannoy. Except that you can turn a tannoy off! You could not turn "Tina" off. She would ramble on and on and on about aspects of her personal like, holidays, her pets, laser eye surgery, etc. She was very attention seeking.

I would tell her that I had to get on and start typing. Then it would be "Member, MEMBER are you listening?"

Id tried techniques like "Id love to see your holiday photos over coffee Tina but I NEED to get on now". She would be quiet for a few minutes then begin on another diatribe.

It got so bad that I had to periodically go out to the toilet for a few minutes. Or go and sit in the student drop in center to finish a task (we worked in a uni). Eventually I had to speak to the line manager as it was affecting my ability to do the job and the fact that I could not concentrate was stressing me out. I emphasized the fact that "Tina" seemed a very pleasant person but she was just too chatty, and did not appear to be able to recognize social cues that others were working and trying to concentrate. The manager kicked it into the long grass and nothing was done. She could so easily have solved it by having a chat with her. Eventually I had to go to the HOD and make a formal request to work in another office away from "Tina".

I would first make sure not to respond to out of the office messages and simply repeat in a terse "busy busy" manner that you dont take calls from co-workers outside the office. Try to use a brisk professional manner in the office which does not encourage intimacy, and end the conversation by walking away or turning back to your work.

If she continues to disrespect your boundaries then you need to speak to your line manager. Keep it simple, non emotional, and professional. This is affecting your ability to do your job efficiently as well as dynamics within the team.

Lets hope that yours is a better manager than mine.

[Templetreebalm]

You are allowed to keep boundaries with people and thats not mean or miserable.
You dont have the energy or headspace to deal with her and she is overstepping in demanding that you do.

[Templetreebalm]

I would tell her you prefer not to be contacted outside of work as you like to keep work/ home life separate then block.

Use caller id at home and screen her calls.

At work keep it short and polite.
"Sorry to hear that, I need to get on with this now"