what would you do if your dh wanted you to go back to work but you didn't

[robinredbreast]

and you didn't really need the money either?

[Meeely2]

you will have to earn a fair bit to make going back to work worthwhile....he will also have to accept that the house won't be as clean (unless you hire a cleaner, more expense), you will be shattered and less inclined to spend time with him, preferring to go to bed at 8, and yes he will have to go 50/50 with childcare at weekends - my DH gets up on a saturday, and i get up on a sunday so we both get a lie in.

It takes a great deal of effort to make it work and life will be turned upside down from how he knows it now.....

Nursery will cost approx £100 a week for one child full time, if not more depending on where you live.....

[ladymuck]

This isn't about you working then, this is more about whether you have shared goals and values.

[MissTea4Me]

get pregnant again

[lemonaid]

Whereabouts are you and how many children do you have? How many are you planning? We're in London, I'm in a good job, and financially we will be far better off if I don't go back to work when DC2 arrives (I did go back after DS). Two lots of childcare, or one nanny, would wipe out my after-tax salary (because (apart from childcare vouchers, which are capped) you earn your money, pay tax and NI on it, THEN have to finance childcare out of net salary. And if you are having a nanny you are an employer and need to pay tax and NI on what you are paying her, as well as paying her salary).

Do the sums... it may well be that your going back to work doesn't bring in as much extra money as he thinks, when all the childcare costs are factored in, and potentially it could lose you money. And when he looks at that offset against the lifestyle compromises he'd have to make if he wants to split the child-related stuff evenly, my suspicion is that he won't think it's worth it (unless you are earning pots and pots of money).

You do need to be firm, though, that if you go back he will be doing half of all that stuff. And make sure he fully understands what it is

Getting DCs to childcare before work
Picking up DCs from childcare after work
Dealing with sick DCs who can't go to childcare/school
Taking vacation time to cover school holidays
Taking DCs to the dr / dentist/ optician
Buying toys
Buying clothes
Buying shoes
Buying things for DCs' rooms
Buying gifts for DCs to give to others
Laundry including ironing (his own, plus 50% of DCs')
Cooking (50% of all meals)
Dishes and putting away (50%)
Vacuuming (50%)
Cleaning bathrooms (50%)
All the other household stuff that temporarily escapes me (50%)

My guess is that he will backtrack very quickly...

[Anna8888]

Shopping for food and household basics?
Organising social life?
Organising holidays?

[KristinaM]

meeely - nursery is very cheap in your area!! . we are not in the SE of England and here its about £170 per week for under 3s and £150 for 3-5s. Full day holiday cover for school aged kids is £30 a day. And there are at least 13 weeks of holidays cf 5 weeks annual leave for most employees

i agree - if money is what bothers him , do a full calculation. not just the additional childcare of course. as other have said, you woudl need a cleaner. i mean , if you have plenty spare £££, why woudl you work all week then spend the w/e cleaning rather than with your children. what about ironing - woudl you get soemone to do this or woudl your Dh do half?

of course you also need to add teh additional cost of you working - smart work clothes, lunches, travel to work. and higher food bills as you will need to cook differently

[Ripeberry]

My friend had this conversation with her DH and it turned out that he was JEALOUS of her spending time with their DS.
He wanted her back at work F/T and the child looked after by strangers.
They certainly did not need the money.
Poor child, is all i can think of
AB

[bossykate]

looked after by strangers, eh? here we go.

i would be very if dh got to stay at home with the dcs and i didn't.

[Ripeberry]

I say strangers as they don't have any relatives nearby. Now he works from home full time, the child is in nursery and she goes to work outside the home full-time.
The child is still the one who loses out.]
Just very sad
AB

[bossykate]

so nursery children lose out do they? priceless

[bossykate]

oh christ i am not doing this again

[ebenezer]

oh please let's not let what is an interesting thread degenerate into the usual scrapping. Of course children who go to nursery are fine and well adjusted and NOT looked after by strangers - unless there is literally a new work force every day!!!
I think the post which said this is about shared values and goals has it spot on. Go back to the reasons you got together with your partner. What are your hopes and expectations out of this life? It's very easy to just say 'oh he's obsessed with money' but are there deeper issues? Maybe he's deep down resentful of the fact that he has to work so hard to enable you the option of staying at home. I've known other couples where this isn't always apparent on the surface, but dig a little and it's very much an issue. You say you didn't used to talk about work in the evenings when you were working, as if that's a reason not to return to work. But in reality that's a bit simplistic - I mean, how many of us seriously sit down and talk about work each night? i certainly don't. But I think the fact that I have a working life outside the home DOES make a difference to the dynamics in my relationship with DH on all sorts of levels. Oh and I'm a bit surprised by the number of people who proclaim 'doesn't he realise he's going to have to do half the housework 'etc - shock horror. Well in i think that's a POSITIVE thing, i'm definitely pleased that my DCs have grown up knowing that mummys and daddys can BOTH work and BOTH look after chidren and BOTH do housework!!!

[Niecie]

Agree with ebernezer that the DH probably resents not being able to stay at home himself and has to do all the work to support the family. My DH sometimes feels the same but he is in a different position to me in that he loves his work and wouldn't actually like to stay at home. I disliked my job and was happy to be a SAHM. He said that he wanted to share the burden a bit but the financial reality of me working with 2 children and the associated costs would make very little difference to his burden anyway.

Hopes and expectations can't be expected to stay the same over the course of your entire life though. I didn't even want to have children when I first got married. 14 years down the line I can't imagine life without them and I certainly don't want to have a job that deprived me of time with them whilst they are young. DH has changed his career aspirations and his jobs more times than I care remember - we all change and grow. Maybe RRB and her DH need to sit down and talk about where they see their future but I don't think it really helps to look to what they used to want.

Maybe the compromise for them should be that RRB thinks about a job when the children are older and set up a time to consider the issue again in the futre.

I disagree though that the other poster are making any judgement on whether or not it is a good or bad thing to be sharing the housework/childcare when both of you are working. I think the point they are making is that he probably hasn't even considered it and would expect his life to carry on much the same as before without any extra effort on his behalf even though his DW has taken on extra responsibilities.

[lemonaid]

Yes, it can be a positive thing, ebenezer (my DH does plenty) but I bet you almost anything you like that the full scale of what's involved hasn't occurred to rrb's DH.

And I do think the attitude of "he has to work so hard to enable you the option of staying at home." that some DH's have smacks of unreality. "he has to work so hard to enable you to do the unpaid combined work of a cleaner and childminder and personal assistant" would be nearer the mark. Staying at home isn't sitting on the sofa eating chocolates and watching Richard and Judy; it's bloody hard work that is likely to be comparable to what the WOH partner is doing.

(I say all this as a WOHM who intends to stay a WOHM and sees all the positive aspects of it. I would not do well as a SAHM. But I don't think that being a SAHM is any kind of soft option.)

[robinredbreast]

well dd has two eager retired grandparents willing to look after her or free
so i cant use cost of child care

its true that its prob a case of different goals and values
we do need to talk about it

but i feel like saying
fuck off im not doing it
although i wont say that lol

suprised how strongly i feel about it all tbh

[rantinghousewife]

I went back to work (against my better judgement) when I was with ex, after the birth of ds. This won't be applicable to you but, we split up and I was glad I went back. Not least because I could afford to pay the mortgage that I was left with.
If you don't want to go back, don't go. You'll end up resenting him otherwise. Try to sell him the good points of you being at home, you'll think of many.

[Meeely2]

RRB - well then talk talk talk, if you don't all the resentment you feel will build up making an unhappy home for all in it.....

[scattyspice]

How old is DD?

My DH worries about money and about future (and what would happen i he became redundant etc). I work PT to share the financial burden with DH.

If your DD is very young can you agree to consider a return to work in the future (ie school age). Then discuss again at that point.

By then you both may have adjusted to the drop in income.

Alternatively, Keep having babies (as Mistea4me said). LOL.

[robinredbreast]

your are so right
i just can do it as im gonna resent him

if we needed the money it would be totally different
and we have quite alot of savings

whats the point of working if you dont want to
then spending on say new cars or v expensive hols
a car is just a car to me
again different ways of looking at things i guess

[ebenezer]

Communication is the key here. Talk talk talk! Yes, i agree that hopes and aspirations develop and evolve over the course of a lifetime, and that's where compromise comes in. Your financial situation sounds fine at the moment, but what if it changed? what if your husband is deep down worrying about possible financial burdens in the future? You just don't know without honest communication. The problem here seems to be that you're both fixed in completely opposite views: you are absolutely determined to not work, he's absolutely determined that you should. There's no right answer, but I think you need to ask yourselves why each partner has such a fixed viewpoint. It may be that it's not about money at all, and that your husband feels you need to work for other reasons like your self esteem etc. Maybe he feels that he wants you both to have more of a balance of work and childcare so that he can get more involved. I just think that starting from totally polarised views, you really need to find some middle ground.