Tips for coping

[stackhead]

I'm going back to work full time in January after 6 months maternity. It's a new job so I'm quite excited about the new challenge and my daughter will be staying at home with her dad.

I'm feeling a little anxious and guilty about going back to work. I'll be out of the house almost 7-7 for 4 days and WFH on one. And I feel like im never going to see her.

I'm just looking for any practical tips for going back. How did you cope? Is there anything I should do to prepare?

[Spongeb0b]

Can I revive this thread? About to go through the same and there is some fab advice on here. Would love to know how you're all doing and any tips now you're back?

[LizWatson1986]

Gosh, lots going on for you. I can totally understand how you feel overwhelmed.

Pumping is such a ball ache isn't it?! I'm still doing it for my 11 month old, mostly to keep supply up as he will barely touch a bottle. I pump in the toilet as there are no meeting rooms. The cubicles are self contained and I use hand sanitizer. I hate people pulling on the door handle, I then feel under pressure to hurry up. I also hate getting the bottle bag out of the fridge infront on people and then they ask me if I am having lunch early. I am like 'nope, just going to milk myself' 🤣

How are you feeling about your bond with your little one?

How is sleep? I had to resort to very mild sleep training with our 11 month old as he was up every hour and I just couldn't do it anymore. Just pick up put down but no tears or anything so he was obviously ready to start going to sleep with just me there and not needing to be rocked and fed (although I still do this until he's drowsy)

Hope all is well xxx

[hellspyjamas]

How is everyone doing? I'm struggling to be honest. My maternity cover went "off sick" so didn't see me for a handover and didn't even send me anything, so I've got shedloads of work to do that she promised HQ and never sent. I've been working this weekend between dealing with teething clingy baby. Also they've given me the first aid room to pump in, which has been in use sometimes when I've tried to use it, and I've also had people try to walk in on me (it's an access code door) which has been really stressful. I feel really overwhelmed to be honest, between all of that and also doing driving lessons and also trying to sell my flat.
What's it been like for everyone else? X

[hellspyjamas]

Thanks you @LizWatson1986! I hope she doesn't. That's a good idea re: WFH day. You must be so so tired, 12 times has got to be some kind of record. What a superwoman! It has to get better at some point doesn't it? 6 more months they aren't still going to be sleeping like gremlins 🤞

[LizWatson1986]

She just won't suffer or resent you for leaving. Neither of my boys suffered or showed any signs whatsoever they loved me less or were less bonded with me, if anything I think it made us closer. Stop beating yourself up! ☺️.

I hear you on sleep. My youngest cries blue murder if my husband tries to get him back to sleep so I don't bother and just deal with it myself. Last night I was up 12 times with him. The one thing I can say is your body will adjust. I am typically up every 1.5-2hrs and initially this killed me (dizzy, neauscous) but I got used to it. I would try and get your husband to get up with her on your one day working from home and try and get some more sleep. I used to try and do my WFH day on Wednesday to try and get through it x

[hellspyjamas]

I'm in exactly the same boat. I still feel really anxious but we are finally making some progress getting her to accept formula and fall asleep on daddy so the situation looks a bit less bleak. I'm hoping that going back now will mean she doesn't really understand the time lag, then gets used to it, then never has to suffer knowing I left her, like she might have done if I waited until she was 1. It's a silly thing I'm telling myself to make myself feel better.

I think she's gradually becoming a bit more confident so hopefully in a month or two will be an easier baby for my husband to manage. Unless me going back sets her development back again!

Main thing I am worried about now is the lack of sleep as we are still up 4/5 times a night. I'm in a small flat so even if husband starts taking over I hear everything and am awake anyway as I can't sleep through her crying.

How are you? Xx

[LizWatson1986]

Yes, for sure I did. But as the main breadwinner I needed to keep going with my job and level of responsibility and working more locally and not in the city would mean a pretty serious pay cut which would mean we couldn't afford to live really

I think ultimately my thoughts of changing job was my desperation not to work and really I am always going to have to and I think best case working locally would still mean being gone 9hrs at least a day so I think I'd rather doing something I enjoy.

How are you feeling about going back now? Xxx

[hellspyjamas]

I'm so glad I joined this thread to talk to you ladies, it's really made me feel so much better already!
I wonder if motherhood has made either of you think about a career change? I love my job but can't help wondering if another one would be more suitable.

[Nevernotrenovating]

Another thing.

Worth mentioning that I am very consistent over my hours- arrive and depart at times that work for me . 8.30-4.45 with lunch at my desk. Eat plenty to keep energy levels up. I don’t go to the after work drinks or the Christmas parties. Right now it’s hard enough to go to work away from my family.

[Nevernotrenovating]

Exactly as you said LizWatson1986 - it is just like you describe- instinct is a powerful force. It does not feel right to leave your baby even for a few hours and I believe very strongly in trusting your intuition. The book you recommended definitely sounds one to read.

This is what got me through, it is very personal advice that worked for me, and some days will be better than others:

• Take it one day at a time. I found early motherhood shifted my thinking to black and white, potential disaster scenario, emotional reasoning. Nothing you decide now, needs to be forever, it is just what you decided now.
  
• There aren’t right or wrong answers. Be aware of the moral societal pressures that accompany any decision a woman makes. Do what makes sense to you.
  
• This is far harder than any professional challenge and you will grow into a far stronger, more resilient, more capable person whatever happens in the next few weeks and months.
  
• After a few weeks getting into a routine, look how far you will have come- it might be easier than you thought.
  
• Get support and advice about breastfeeding. I don’t remember the details of how I managed but would breastfeed at night. In my experience and from what I’ve read, babies are very different with mum (refuse bottle etc) whereas with another carer will calm down and drink from the bottle. As I said get some advice on that one.
  
• Overall you are doing yourself and your family a great service by going to work. It’s a good thing to do. Staying at home to look after your children is a good thing to do too. There are different options. Consider what you want to do, and go for it, always remembering you can change that in future.

[LizWatson1986]

I felt excatly the same going back with my first. I remember sitting holding him while he slept, sobbing as I looked down at this tiny, beautiful baby and thought how am I going to leave you, you're so tiny?

I remember reading in the book I recommend a woman saying that it was like defying nature, cutting an invisible cord that links you, and how it goes against everything in your body. That is excatly how I felt.

BUT it's that first day and week that's the hardest and with each passing week she will get older and it WILL get easier. They are so adaptable.

I really wish I could take your pain away. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, returning to work, but I survived and so will you. I just wish I could show you yourself in a few months, settled in your new life and you could see that it isn't as bad as you fear.

[hellspyjamas]

That's really inspiring from both of you thank you for sharing. I feel like she is so little at 6 months to be left alone, and she's started refusing bottles again! I think part time would be ideal, really hope I will be in a position to do that someday. Wish I got to be the one to stay home too. I feel exactly the same with the 4 hours! It's not happened in a while but love it when it does. Construction must be knackering? I'm lucky that I do a desk job but there is so much business travel ☹️

[LizWatson1986]

I have no idea how I am actually alive on so little sleep. Pre-children I would have said I needed at least 10hrs to feel really refreshed now if I get 4 solid hours I am buzzing!!!

I think it's hard no matter what you do really. You stay at home, you feel like you should be working and earning, you go out to work and you feel guilty for not being home.

I think we just need to remember that we are doing what we feel is best for our children. We all love our children and they feel it, and that's important to keep top of mind. Becoming a mother I think you realise how resilient and adaptable you are. It's tough at the start for sure but once you have established a new norm I know it becomes easier.

At the end of the day, for me at least, I can't change my situation so it's all about trying to make the most of it and focusing on the positives.

[Nevernotrenovating]

Wanted to add to this as a mum of 3 (aged 5, 4 and 2) now working full time since youngest was 10 months. I work in construction. I can relate to a lot of this. Their dad looks after them full time, school run and looking after youngest. I find it incredibly hard to not be the one at home - keeping the house nice(!!) - I am very conflicted about that as I am very interested in my career and need to feel part of the world as you do when you work. I was part time before that, WFH and only a day a week. Returning full time last year was brutal. I loved time to myself. I loved earning money and the self esteem that goes with that. I want to make a difference by doing my work. But I miss the children so much and I’ve got much less patient with them. I feel like these years would be hard whatever I did and on balance I’m doing the right thing. I found it useful to have sessions with a productivity coach to talk about confidence in the workplace and the transition to FT work. It definitely helped.

[hellspyjamas]

Oh my goodness @LizWatson1986 how on earth are you going to keep that up? Also can't they black out the glass for you on the meeting room?

[stackhead]

Oh my goodness you must be exhausted!

My daughter has always been bottle fed so no issues there. I know my husband is going to do a sterling job. It's just me I'm worried about.

[LizWatson1986]

I express in the toilets. I bring some hand gel in with me and once seated clean my hands with the gel before touching my equipment and keep all my equipment on my lap so it doesn't touch the flior. The alternative was a meeting room with three glass walls 😲. I know legally companies have to provide you with somewhere but I work for a tiny startup in a shared workspace so I don't know how that would work.

I've been back two weeks now and all in all going well. My youngest won't drink a drop during the day of my milk, water juice and we've tried different bottles, cups, spoons - not interested so I'm feeding him through the night. Every single wake up which is about 7 a night. Gosh I yearn for sleep!

[hellspyjamas]

I agree there is literally nothing out there. I'm currently panicking because my daughter will not take formula no matter what I try and realistically it will be difficult to express at work (only one other woman has ever done it where I work and she uses the sick room). I'm going to ask to leave early every day then log on when baby is asleep for another couple of hours. No idea how I am going to take care of myself ever! I think waking up early might be the key. She still is up every few hours at night so it's going to be knackering!

[stackhead]

I'm starting a new job but from the sounds of it my new company are really supportive. One of the higher ups, a lovely woman, works term time only and my direct line manager is really flexible about my working hours. So fingers crossed it'll be ok.

My old company would not have been supportive, very city focused and all about the hours present and after work activities.

[LizWatson1986]

I wish we could change my youngest's bed time!My first used to be a 7:30pm baby but my youngest prefers an earlier bed time and won't stay asleep past 6am so changing it just never seems to work! Am looking forward to him being able to stay awake a little longer


In answer to your question, at my last job, no not really. Our CEO was insane and just worked like 18hrs a day, 6 days a week and expected much the same of us. My team lead however was more understanding and always had my back. My new job people all have kids and are much more understanding.

The best piece of advice I have had is that you should just set your boundaries early on and be clear and confident about them and don't waver. Ive said that I need to leave at 5pm to get home and see my boys and that is essential. I can pick up emails and do more work when they have gone to bed but me leaving at 5pm is non-negotiable (obviously if essential I can stay later).

Before having kids I used to work insane hours and weekends etc and honestly, that's been really difficult for me to feel confident not doing that and not feeling like I am slacking.

I would REALLY recommend a book called 'The fifth trimester' it's full of useful tips and stories from other mother's.

I am honestly amazed at how little help, support and information there is for women returning to work, like nothing!

[stackhead]

I'd love to keep this going for support that's a lovely idea @hellspyjamas

I'm looking forward to getting me back. Using my brain. Going to the toilet with the door closed!

I start on the 6th. Already counting down. but at least we'll have a lovely Christmas break.

I'll get home at about 6.40 provided the trains run on time. We've just moved her bedtime to 7.30 and I've already spoken to my husband about not having it too much earlier for a while so I get some cuddles in after work.

[hellspyjamas]

Thanks for sharing your experience I really appreciate it. Gosh 6 wake ups a night sounds really tough! I'm kind of looking forward to being able to go to the loo and have a hot coffee but really not looking forward to the guilt! I will get home around that time too. Are there other parents at work that get it and do you have a supportive manager? X

[LizWatson1986]

Oh and no I don't sleep! My first was terrible and so is youngest so it's been about three years since I last had a good night.

However I do find a day in the office less tiring than a day at home and I'm giving our youngest to my husband when I can take any more wake-ups. We average about 6 a night still 🥴

[LizWatson1986]

Thank you! It was okay. Obviously there were tears from me and I missed them desperately but my boys coped well. My youngest (8 months) was teary on and off but easily distracted but slept well etc. My older son who is two and half didn't seem to really be fussed either way which was good. Only issue we had was that my youngest refused to drink any of the milk I left or really anything else all day, but I remember my first doing this for the first week or so until he got settled.

I like being at work and I like using my brain and going to long lunches, toilet breaks alone, drinking hot cups of tea and being me. I just personally struggle with the journey home and racing home each night in a desperate attempt to make sure I see them. I don't get in until 6:20 and they are both in bed, asleep by 6:45 so feeling like I am being a mum to both of them is hard

I don't know if you have heard of that saying about when you become a mother it is to forever have your heart wonder outside your body and that is kinda how I feel. My physical body and brain go out to work but my heart stays at home and I just feel incomplete all day, but when I walk through the front door and hold my boys, it's like I am whole again.

I know all of this will get easier. I can face time and call my two year old and he gets it, so I know when I can do that also with my youngest I won't feel so guilty. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Story of my life. Here is a funny website that is just so true

hurrahforgin.com/2016/07/07/the-shitty-guilt-fairy/

[hellspyjamas]

@LizWatson1986 well done you, how are you and little one coping? What was the first day like? And are you getting any sleep? I have so many questions! X