In 2015 I had what in hindsight was a mental breakdown caused by several years of infertility, IVF and a horrendous work environment throughout. Despite talking to my line manager and HR I ended up having several very public emotional breakdowns in the office over a period of several months and taking up to my limit of paid sick days, in the end I was forcing myself to get up and go to work for the maternity pay and took early maternity at 34 weeks.
I've been on maternity leave for almost a year during which I've had CBT to deal with depression and anxiety. I've not really resolved anything and my anxiety is still very severe.
It's now coming up to the time where I have to return to work but I'm so anxious about it. Ideally I wouldn't return to the same company as my boss is horrible he nit picks everything I do and sets the bar for me higher than anyone else. I've been working towards a promotion for 4 years, a promotion I've more than earned (several senior members of staff have recommended me for promotion) everytime I meet the criteria set to be promoted he adds one more thing I need to do, it's this environment that initially triggered my breakdown coupled with the stress of infertility at home.
The things that worry most going back are
- Ruined reputation and colleagues thinking badly of me due to what happened when I was ill.
- Becoming ill again because of the environment. My therapist says I need to just accept that it's a shit environment and get on with it.
- I'd like to find a new job but I'm worried about my reputation being ruined and other employers hearing about my previous behaviour when I was ill.
I just think I've ruined everything and now I have a child it will be a hundred times harder anyway, I know I'm thinking catastrophically and building up worst case scenarios but I just feel so helpless and out of control.
Does anyone have any experience of going back to work after having a meltdown? Tell me it's not as bad as I'm imagining!
Rationally I know I can go back and be normal and sane again build my reputation back up but the anxiety tells me it's ruined forever and my boss is going to use it to essentially demote me.
Sorry this is so long tell me some good stories!