How long does it take to get into the swing of being a working mum with a kid at school?

[twinsetandpearls]

I went back into teaching in January doing two days a week combined with another job working one morning and one afternoon. Dd was then at nursery which was at the school I worked so I found it easy. But this september I went up to three days teacbing and dd started reception and I think that if I was observing my life as a netral observer I would was neglecting her and putting my whole family at risk.
THe work load at school is quite high as we are going through some difficulties, I try to compensate for that by getting up at 5 and starting some work about half past at home so I can then get dd ready for school, I take her to breakfast club at eight and then go into school. Dd is at after school club until half five so I work until then, pick her up and the plan was that I would do tea and bedtime so I would have the evenings with dd before doing a few hours in the evening. I also try an do a few hours of work on my days off while dd is at school so that I am not having to do too much in the evenings so I have time with dd and dp and can have my weekends free. But I am so tired I am literally coming home and collapsing before resurfacing at about ten to do some work. Weekends which were supposed to be a quality time consist of me either asleep upstairs or lying on the sofa struggling to move. The house is a tip, I can't find anything, clothes are being pulled out of the ironing basket and ironed as we need them and so called quality time is non existant. THis week I had to send dd to my mums for a few days as firstly I had to be in school for so long and had meetings and parents evenings and secondly I was too tired to look after her. Dp has said he has had enough of having to do everything and me being grumpy and tired.
This afternoon I arranged to leave my INSET early as I thought dd had a family maths club, I turned up to find I had the wrong day - it was yesterday. I had the wrong time for dd finishing school and dd was in tears as I could not make her assembly - although in my defence I did make the assmebly two weeks ago and volunteered to help out. I missed the PTA meeting the other week as I fell asleep and messed up her after school club fees as I am so tired I can't think straight.
I feel such a selfish bitch that I am putting my desire to work before my whole family but I do love my job and have been at home with dd for nearly five years.
Will everyting fall into place eventually? I am hoping for a positive answer.

[PrincessPeaHead]

and check your thyroid!

[Sheraz]

Good luck twinset, hope you have a good week with DD and get yourself back on track.

[twinsetandpearls]

Game plan for today have ordered a calendar, am gutting the house, being ruthless and throwing away anything we don;t need and then making it gleam. I can then make a cleaning rota.

Clary it is that out of control feeling that I hate, that is one of the reasons my teaching takes up so much of my time as everything has to be planned and organised, so other teachers can plan a lesson at the last minute dashing to photocopy worksheets as the bell is wringing and quickly ticking and flicking I just can't do that and would become unbearably stressed and unable to cope.

But what has happened is that my home life has become chaotic and I can't cope with that, you are talking to the woman who last year had tick charts in all her cupboards so she knew when she had run out of things, everybodies wardrobes contained perfectly ironed clothes organised into outfits ready to wear according to colour and event, the house ran like clockwork and now it is everyone for themselves. I need to get organised beofre I completely go under , it is just finding the time and energy.

I am off for a week now so am going to take this oppurtunity to sort myself out, will also try soap box's modelling idea.

[Clary]

Twinset you do sound like you need help but I agree that there may be health issues here.
Have you tried ways to get yourself to sleep earlier - late warm bath, lavender oil, horlicks at bedtime (not a prob I have but there are loads of ideas about).
Get a good diary or family calendar and write everything to do with school (or anything else) down at once - return letters that day etc.
Make a cleaning plan - I have one now and it's fab! Mine is quite detailed but if yours simply took in hoovering, ironing and cleaning the bathroom it migh thelp you feel in control. I hate that feeling of being out of control.

FWIW I work 30 hrs/week, have one day off with DS2. Other 2 are at school, DH and I share drop-offs/pick-ups while ds2 is at childminder. I'm busy and the house is not as I would like and I get up early (not as early as you tho) but it's doable. I don't bring my work home or do over my 30 hrs tho.

Soapbox's posts are very much to the point IMHO. Agree re diet and exercise - if I didn't eat well and drink lots of water (and no caffeine) I would go under, I reckon.

[threelittlepumpkins]

Oh, and I have only been back a half term. Maybe it will get better?! Ds only in nursery, so no school stuff to contend with just yet either.

[threelittlepumpkins]

twinsetandpearls- I completely understand. Am in a similar position having gone back to work after a year's maternity, to teaching in an FE College. MASSIVE workload and no support unless there is a major problem, in which case my managers "support" me by taking the student's "side" and suggesting how I can improve.

I also don't get a lot of sleep. If I am in bed by 11pm it is a good night! I have to sit up doing prep, as if I am not planned down to the minute, it doesn't go as well as I would like. I'm still training (2nd yr PGCE) but that doesnt seem to have any bearing.

I have recently decided, after having a bad episode at work and worrying myself sick all weekend, that if the pressure doesn't ease I will have to look for another job, as I need to start putting my family and my health first. I can't keep losing my temper over nothing due to stress, and having panic attacks. It's not worth it. I do 2 days teaching and am prepping every spare minute I get. Resent us having to live in squalor tbh, as the housework has had to wait.

Can you see your GP again, or do you not think it would be of any help?
Really feel for you, and really hope things improve for you soon. Could you drop your hours, or is that not feasible?

Take care

[soapbox]

That sounds really rough TS&P

I do really hope that you manage to access some help - this really isn't much of an existence for you is it?

There is a technique which is used for modelling behaviour, which is to act the way that you wish things were. So you act as if your DD was the most fantastic, wonderful, fabulous thing in your life - really over the top stuff! Every day, every time you are around her. The theory is that in time you will start to normalise your behaviour - that it kind of becomes habitual to think of her - and relate to her - in that way!

It may be worth a go - you've nothing much to lose really - have you?

[PrincessPeaHead]

twinset has anyone checked your thyroid levels recently? involves a simple blood test.

just a thought - it can cause the sort of exhaustion you describe and it is v common for the thyroid to pack up/work less efficiently after childbirth. susiewong in particular took 2 years or so to discover that she was thyroxine deficient and described it as feeling like a zombie in fog.

you've probably been checked but I just thought I'd mention it.

[twinsetandpearls]

I didn't think you were getting at me, you are quite right that I need to get some balance in my life and show my family the same enthusiam and devotion that I show my family. It is such a mess and one that makes my head hurt if Itry and think about it as i think this is all also linked to the fact that I basically have no maternal instinct at all towards my daughter,

I have tried medications and had been told by doctors and those around me that they don't work, I spent months in hospital while they tried to find a medication that worked and it was then that ECT was suggested. I ahve recently changed doctors in a hope tat a new doctor might be of more help, sadly this has not materialised. I am convinced that I am suffering from some form of faitgue sydrome as often I am not depressed but just tired in a way that is indescribable. There is a well known specialist in one of the cities near here who will take on private fatigue related cases and that is my last hope really.

[soapbox]

Oh Lordy - please don't think I am getting at you

Not my intention at all!

I'm just trying to say that your enthusiasm for teaching shines through - but you somehow need to find the same enthusiasm for your family - or it won't work.

You are doing way too much work atm, based on your teaching hours and what is reasonable. Yes your children need someone/people to keep the faith in them - but so does your own DD and DP.

I am alarmed that you don;t think any medication is helping you - it sounds pretty serious if that is the case. Is it definitely true??? I'm not trying to judge at all, but I believe it is quite common for those who are seriously clinically depressed to doubt whether treatment is helping them - if you like it reinforces the hopelessness

I hope you can get things sorted out - and that you can find some support here and in RL if possible

[twinsetandpearls]

I have bee to ask for help with my sleeping, a few years ago I was on quite heavy duty sleeping tablets and since then my sleep has never been right.

I am trying to adjust my diet and exercise in thew hope that will help- we have also bought a new bed! but obviously that is not going to be a quick overnight fix.

I ahve tried every medication going and none of them ahve any effect, the next step in my local health authority is ECT which I will not consider. I am having to basically self treat, we are putting money away every month so that I can get help privately - but gaain that is not going to be an overnight solution.

But i do think that teaching at 90% or 150% does make a difference to my pupils, I don;t just teach RE but that is not the point. I am teaching a GCSE subject and being a school where many of the pupils are not expected to get many Grade A-Cs my subject is really important. Sadly many of my pupils cannt rely on anyone at home to put 100% in for them so it is up to us their teachers to restore their faith in human nature and realise that someone is interested in them and will go that extra mile. But as you say I need to be able to offer my family the same if not more.

THis is so hard for me as I am passionate about my teaching, I have deliberatly chosen to work part time as I know from past expereince that I allow my teaching to take over my life and I hoped that by working only three days I could maange to do a normal person's working week and still ahve time for my family.

Dd bedtime routine starts at 6.45 and she is in bed for half seven BTW

[soapbox]

WEll sweetheart - you've answered your own question really! No-one can survive long term on 3 hours sleep a night!


You need to see about getting help with sleeping - it probably is a side effect of the depression, but I am no expert!

Are you taking your medication religiously - I suspect this would have a big effect. I think on balance you are spending too much time on your marking and lesson planning. Without being too brutal - it is religious education you are teaching and if it is taught at 90% of your capability rather than 150% it is going to make not a jot of a difference to teh children, but your striving for perfection is practically killing you and driving your family apart

You need to start thinking as most woth parents think - which is to be 'good enough' at work and a 'good enough' parent!

Having said that the chronic lack of sleep probably slows you down immensely!

What time does DD go to bed? I would say she should be in bed settled by 8pm, which means you will be finished your 1 hour of house work by 9pm and I would say bed no later than 11pm!

It will take you time - but getting your medication right and curtailing your work load gradually should work

Good luck

[Sheraz]

Twinset - you sound like you are sinking! It sounds like you are taking on too much. Lists are good, maybe set yourself a few realistic 'goals' for the week and slot in a few 'rewards' as well. Work to live not vice versa. Keep your chin up...best wishes.

[twinsetandpearls]

I used to do all of that but it has all fallen to the wayside and hence I don;t know if i am coming or going. It is not just affecting dd I also missed an important meeting as I not written it in my diary.

I need to get my bum into gear but lack any motivation or energy.

[cece]

One thing that I do is every Sunday evening I sit down and do a to do list for every day that week.

Can include paying DD's dinner money
Getting cash to pay cm and so on....
Any birthday cards to post that week. I buy ahead and keep in a drawer...

Without my lists I would fall to pieces

[twinsetandpearls]

I have trouble sleeping no matter how tired I am, I am never asleep before 1 or 2 in the morning so during the week I live on about three hours sleep.

[twinsetandpearls]

At last! I think I should be able to work the hours I do and still be able to cope with dd.

My work time table is 3 days a week I work from half five in the morning until about half five in the evenings two days a week with a break of about forty five minutes to get dd ready in the morning. Obe teaching day I do five in the morning through till about half six or seven. On Mondays I do marking from about nine until twleve and then I work in my other job until about three, on Thursdays I work from eight till half eleven and then do lesson planning until 3. I think I should have time and energy to do other things on top of this.

There are health issues as I suffer from quite serious depression, I ahve speoken to my doctor about the fact that I get so tried and he has just said it is normal although ,may be slightly aggrevated by my depression. I ahve enquired about seeing a faitgue specialist privately.

But i do need practical tips to try and get more achieved and amanage to battle through the tiredness.

No I don;t really need a whole day to iron! But I do need to get a timetable.

[soapbox]

I'll be honest with you

I assume you are a bit younger than me - and I think working 3*12 hour days, plus a few extra hours on your days off, should be more than do-able without getting as exhausted as you are.

I suppose a lot depends on what time you go to bed - but I assume that as you say you are flopping in the evening and not doing much then you are getting a fair bit of rest in teh evenings anyway.

Are you sure that there are no general health issues at play?


I suspect that what you really need to do is get organised and have a proper routine going, so that everything stays manageable.

So as soon as DD is in bed each evening, you do one thing properly each evening!

Day 1 - 1 hour doing on-line shopping
Day 2 - 1 hour doing general clear up
Day 3 - 1 hour putting away on-line shopping - clearing fridges etc
Day 4 - 2 hours ironing, 1 hour general cleaning
Day 5 - 2 hours bulk cooking, 1 hour laundry
Day 6 - 1 hour paperwork
Day 7 - 1 hour tidy up ready for week ahead.

That leaves you 3 hours on each non-working non weekend day for marking/me time which is loads of time, and it leaves the weekend almost completely free.

If you are doing 3 hours a day extra work on teaching days which it sounds like you are if you don't pick DD up until 5.30 and you are doing 2 hours extra on non-working days that adds up to 10 hours additional hours a week - which on a 3 day week is surely plenty!

If you continue to feel so tired though, then I think you need to look at getting some medical help - it sounds rather unusual to me to be so tired on the kind of hours you have described here.

[cece]

I agree that you need to give yourself a time limit and if it isn't done then so be it.

A whole day to iron???? Do like I do and only buy thenigs that odn't need ironing.... The only thing that is ironed in our house are DH work shirts. 5 per week.

[twinsetandpearls]

I dont mind getting up at 5, I see it as dead time really when everyone else is asleep so I may as well use the time to get some work done when it does not affect anyone else. I see this as a trade off for not working weekends and doing the bear minimum in the evenings. I think most good successful teacers do do 3-4 hours extra time after school hours, infact I saw a survey of Advanced skilled teachers and they did excactly that. I am doing that but because I work part time I have the flexibikity to slot those hours in when it suits me.

[twinsetandpearls]

Dp takes dd out all saturday, I am trying at the moment not to do any work at all on weekends. So this morning I had a much needed lie in and am reading a novel. I am about to sort through lots of unopened mail and deal with the paper mountain that has become my study.

[twinsetandpearls]

charmkin I need bossy!

[twinsetandpearls]

The children do meed my comments andin anonymous feedback from teachers, mentors and children name has repeatdly come up as someone who marks the kids work properly and leaves commets to help pupils improve there own work.

I have tried tick and flick marking and it just doesn't owrk for my subject, I had this conversation with a maths and a science teacher who advised me to tick and flick. I handed over a set of books to them and they eneded up trying to mark them in the same way as me! I have improved the rate of my marking in a similar way to your suggestion by marking one set from each year group by looking for key words. I am also trying to train the kids up so they can elevel their own work with reasons which should hopefully speed up the process as I will then be commenting briefly on their comment.

I have also tried pinching stuff from the internet whic as eased some of my time but often resources have to be adapted as they are two wordy, our top sets here have CAT scores below 100 and our bottom sets are struggling to neme the days of the week It can therefore be difficult to find ready made resouces that are accessiblt tot he children but not patronising.

I will try and set aside a day for ironing and I shoud really blitz my house on Saturday - that was the plan for today although once again I am too knackered to move - may down some coffee and get started.

I know next year will be easier as I will have planned all my lessons and produced my resources so I will not have to be doing that.

[charmkin]

Sorry if that was really bossy.

But you sound like I was- going under.

You cannot live your life in half terms and holidays. YOu need to make a plan!!!