Help!

[lill72]

I am in a rather difficult situation at the moment. My DH is out of work and has been looking for the past 5 months. I do a bit of freelance, but mostly am a stay at home mum. I have been looking a little bit, but have the issue of looking after and entertaining a two year old at home. My DD is highly demanding of my attention and I want her to be stimulated and get out and about, not stuck in front of the TV while I apply for jobs. I am also currently studying by distance as I am retraining as I want to change careers. I could look for work in my current career, but I really really do not want to work in this industry any more. It is very high pressure and it would require a lot of effort to look for a role that I dont want. It is very stressful time for us at the moment as you can imagine.Our life is literally on hold until one of us gets a job.

I was wondering if anyone else had been in a similar situation and what they did or your thoughts on my situation? thanks

[DoJo]

My DH and I are both self employed and both take work calls and actually do work whilst at home with a small child - closed doors, one of us taking the boy out for a morning/afternoon to allow the other one quiet time for scheduled calls and a bit of knuckling down make it possible. I don't think many employers would object to someone answering the phone for an unscheduled call with a child in the background - so long as you or he remove the child/themselves from earshot swiftly, I can't see the need to be physically out all day.
I don't understand why he needed to apply for the job whilst at the park - surely roles that require 2-3 interviews aren't being filled in the time it takes to get home? And aren't coffee shops pretty noisy too? It does sound odd.
Is your husband actually more likely to find a job than you? In your position, it might be worth prioritising the person most likely to find work rather than the higher earner.

[LadyBeagleEyes]

I don't understand it either, but clearly there are people out there getting getting multiple interviews who have to be out all day, like Wishfuldrinking for example..

[DixieD]

I really don't understand what you want people to say OP. You want help or so your title says, but what help? Do you want to get a job or not because I have to say from your OP it sounds like you are making excuses not to get one. Of course it's possible to look for a job while having a toddler around.
My DH was laid off about 3 years ago. He was in a senior management position. We had a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old at the time. He got up every morning and researched jobs on the net, sent in CVs, answered mails. It took anything from 1 to 4 hours. Then he took the kids for a while. If calls came through I took them or he closed the door or stuck the tv on. Calls were usually from PAs or secretaries, who aren't too bothered by kid noises tbh.
I could certainly have looked for a job at the same time as him, there was plenty of free time. In fact scratch that I did look for and get a job last year when I had no one at home to help me and three kids aged 5,3 and 1. So your excuses are flimsy and best. And your DH is taking the piss being out all day in coffee shops with his tablet.
It does sound like he has terrible recruiters though. Both DH and I stayed we'll away from them, they will send you to all sorts in the hope something sticks. Apply directly for jobs, we found the national papers particularly productive. In fact I think every interview DH got were from jobs advertised in the Irish Times. Does he have a union/professional body? They often have a job recruitment section.

[TroublesomeEx]

I was just going to say what lisa said.

Why does he need to spend the day out and about in cafes whilst he'd looking online for jobs, spending money on food and drink.

His job hunting appears to have quite a leisurely feel to it.

[TroublesomeEx]

We were thinking of getting pregnant completely irrelevant but this is an irksome expression if ever there was one!

[givemeaclue]

Op I don't think you are really going to take any notice of people on here tellinyou The way you and your dh are organising yourselves doesn't make sense. So he you are insistent that this is the only way your dh can job search, there is your answer you"ll just have to put up with it. For wat its worth, yabu.

[maddening]

I have no chance to not have my 2 year old in the background - I have an interview with the ceo next week (eeeeek) so it definitely hasn't stopped me.

Do you think dh is struggling emotionally with his unemployment? And going out as if he were at work is his maintaining normality? I just don't see how it is aiding his job search if he has Internet at home - at least he can go to a quiet room whereas a busy cafe can be noisy. If he is seeking professional work then he doesn't need to be out pounding the streets.

[lill72]

StuntGirl you could not be more wrong on everything you say. My DH is the best dad there is - he adores our DD. He is just trying to look for a job so that is his focus by day.

We would never get pregnant without an income - that is crazy.

I do want to work - I am just retraining so wanting to finish studying and not go back to my old profession for various reasons - one that it is very hard to find work. I have been working most of January.

Think you should perhaps choose your words a bit more carefully.

We are both bordering on losing the plot and I am very down about all this, so your comments are hardly helpful.

[mummytime]

I think he needs to look for work smarter and needs to stop frittering away money in coffee shops.

When my DH was made redundant, he set up his own consultancy and networked widely to get work. Eventually he got first a long-term contract (at the worst of the crisis) and then went on to be offered a permanent position.

In all cases the work came because of either: personal recommendation by friends, or because he was "known in the industry".

He has in the past been Headhunted and applied for jobs, but this has a much lower success rate.

However, even when setting up the consultancy he was still around for child-care if necessary. He did not spend all day every day out of the home.

If he is not going to help with child care, then what will happen if you do manage to get a job? What if there is a gap between your job starting and a child-minder/nursery place being available?

[livinginwonderland]

i think you're being a bit difficult. you clearly have internet at home if you're on mumsnet, so he can easily look at home while watching your child, and hand her over to you if he gets a phonecall. cafe's are more noisy than one toddler, so the excuse that he needs to be in a quiet environment while sitting in a cafe is a bit ridiculous imo.

yes, i understand that jobs require interviews, but they don't last all day every day for weeks on end. he can be at home and look for jobs, and look after DD at the same time. it's not impossible to do both. yes, toddlers are distracting, i get that, but i think he's just trying to stay out of the house for as long as possible every day.

[maddening]

How old is dd op?

[WorraLiberty]

Like a lot of others on this thread I really don't understand why he can't care for his child and search for work...it's not rocket science.

It comes across as though he's acting like a working man right now instead of an unemployed man who should be helping you at home.

The sooner you two make your partnership equal, the sooner perhaps you can both find work and support your child together.

[LegoAcupuncture]

What an utter load of wank.

If he needs a quiet place to take calls, then shove him into a bedroom instead of him sitting in a coffee shop using the wifi and spending ridiculous amounts of money on overpriced coffee.

[adeucalione]

You are in a very stressful situation, and I quite understand that your fervent hope is that your DH gets a job and everything goes back to how it was before, but I'm afraid that it does sound like you are making excuses OP.

There's a lot of good advice on here, and suggestions of ways you could carve out a bit of time to look for a job.

Presumably, when he was working ft, you found time to do the distance learning course? Could you set that aside for now and spend that time job hunting?

[WileyRoadRunner]

Coffee shops would be much noisier than one small child.

Anyway you said in your OP that you were "out and about" and busy stimulating DD so I really cannot understand why your DP cannot job search from home.

One of you needs to get a job. Does it really matter which one? Can you not go back to work whilst you retrain/study in another area? Plenty of people do it.

I don't think people are being harsh OP. I think you just don't want to listen to what the majority are saying.

[PeppermintPasty]

I don't really understand the problem. Leaving aside the coffee shop thing, which seems peculiar to me, surely you can allocate time for your dd and time for your applications? Take her out in the morning or afternoon, and do the applications vice versa? -I fully appreciate that toddlers can scupper even the loosest of plans/timetables, but I don't think there's any other way.

It is very stressful, I'll give you that. However, if I were in your shoes, the most stressful bit would be the fact that my OH buggers off out every day leaving me to it! That would really piss me off. Are you sure it's not this issue causing you stress?

[HazelnutinCaramel]

Can you structure it a bit more? So say he has two afternoons a week where he takes a break from job hunting and looks after DD. You then get a chance to look and he gets done time with his daughter. He won't miss out on an opportunity by being offline for a few hours and he can always catch up again in the evening. And a break from the constant stress of looking might do him good.

[LadyBeagleEyes]

Can he get a job in a coffee shop, being that he's there all day every day anyway?

[BridgetBidet]

OP I think you need to be slightly more honest with yourself. What you're actually saying is that your priority at the moment is retraining, bringing up your daughter and perhaps having another baby.

You're frustrated that you now have to find a job and were hoping that you would get validation from other posters who would tell you that you're absolutely right and there's no way you should get a job and you have your priorities right.

I think if neither of you have an income you're probably BU in that sense. But on the other hand I do understand that any job you were to get now wouldn't be one that was going to feature highly on your long term list of priorities.

Have you considered perhaps contracting or temping so short term you can bring some money in whilst your husband is not working but go back to the way things used to be once he has a job.

That way you would only have to change your priorities temporarily and as soon as your husband was working again you would be able to readjust them to focus on retraining and your family again.

[LoopDeLoops]

Why don't you job hunt in the evenings?

[TroublesomeEx]

We would never get pregnant without an income The fact that you talk in terms of you both getting pregnant is enough to tell me that you aren't going to listen to a single thing anyone else has to say.

[Ionasky]

It sounds like you both know what you want, which is good - perhaps try some planning to feel more in control. You do need to re-train to get out of your stressful career, esp if you want another child soon-ish, clock ticking etc. Sometimes you have to take risks to get what you want - can you borrow money from the bank or family short term to see DH through the job search? Can family help with childcare whilst you freelance? Can you speed up your re-training? What will DH do if no job in x months? Set yourself a time limit to keep going then consider plan Bs at that point (you working old job etc).

PS I get that DH can't work at home - my DH is very good at focusing on one thing at a time, and if he feels unprofessional, i can see that could affect his performance.

[RebeccaMumsnet]

Hi there,

We have moved this to our Going back to work topic as it wasn't really an AIBU.