When men ask you to be their friend

[PuertoVallarta]

I’m sure this is a common thing. I’m middle aged and work with the public. I’m outgoing and okay looking.

I’ll be making small talk with a man in public and I’ll get a vibe, like they have been starved for female attention. I can tell they want to hug me and snuggle me, not in a scary way but I’m not interested in that.

They’ll say, please be my friend. They are so needy and I have trouble explaining this but I think we are all familiar with it. Lonely men.

I don’t want to be responsible for them or their happiness or filling whatever void they have in their lives. There is also this low-level coercion thing where they are being quietly relentless, but I know they are not bad people. They’re lonely and legitimately don’t understand that women are independent humans not all waiting to be rescued and cuddled by random men.

Am I making sense? How do others navigate this? To be honest I am worried about hurting their feelings too much and pushing them over into the hateful incel/red pill/mgtow territory. Not because I’m afraid for my own safety, but because those sentiments are dangerous for society.

I understand in society we are all sort of responsible for each other’s wellbeing. I guess I’m resentful that I have to be more responsible than a man would have to be. I suppose women also have their ways of making men responsible for them.

Any of this resonate with anyone? Or is this just a problem with my personality/thought processes?

[Starling85]

@Timestablesaretables

This is beyond creepy. When at work I would lightheartedly say "oh I can't be your friend as I'm at work!" And change the subject quickly.
Honestly, it sounds like you've become some sort of well for emotional vampires to dip into.

I have a friend who always ends up comforting needy men on a night out, they always seem to make a bee-line for her

[Ohsugarhoneyicetea]

I understand youre in a customer facing sales type role, and can see why being friendly bubbly nice towards all customers is part of your job. So thats tricky, because plenty of men will take advantage of that. Id pull back with male customers, smile with your mouth not your eyes type thing. Dont give them any emotional labour. Probably all you can do. And dont give it a second thought, you are not responsible for random men.

[Beamur]

This just doesn't happen to me!
But I don't doubt that it's happening to you. I think the person saying that men will vastly over estimate your interest in them has it correctly sadly - but only a certain kind of person and these are the ones that also don't read the subtle and not so subtle signals you give.
I'm guessing OP that you're a nice friendly person and find it difficult to be a bit more assertive, plus it's difficult when you're striking a balance as front line staff. Fundamentally you need to be pleasant but professional and choke off these requests for hugs and friendship smartish. Get some polite but firm rebuffs ready to deploy! Hugs are not in your job description!

[StrangeLookingParasite]

"her kind" knew how to look after their husbands

Ugh. Beurk.

There is psychological research that has found that men tend to overestimate the extent that women are interested in them and women underestimate the extent that men are interested in them.

I've found this to be true, personally. It's always had to be made crystal clear to me, if someone was interested. One of the consequences of having a mother who told us 'don't think you're anything special, there's nothing special about you'.

[OhLordyWhatNow]

I sympathise with you. I also work in a public facing role and middle aged and older men do this to me too. I've been asked out on dates, get told how pretty I am, staring at my chest, had small gifts placed on my desk and an inappropriate 'love' note delivered.

It's grim! It's all about their entitlement to your time.

Ive even had my next door neighbour, who is many years older than me, and who I had only nodded at in passing before approach me after my relationship broke down and tell me "you know I really like you don't you".

It's predatory and scary at times.

I have a resting smiley face and am trying to cultivate a resting bitch face instead.

[Mumoblue]

I was going to say I recognise this from working retail, and I can see it’s also a problem for you at work. One man kept repeatedly coming in to offer me homemade biscuits. It really freaked me out.
There is a certain aspect of them knowing that you’re a captive audience.
Not much advice I can give unfortunately, other than practice saying no and don’t feel bad.

[nancywhitehead]

I guess I’m resentful that I have to be more responsible than a man would have to be

You don't have to be more responsible than a man would have to be. Perhaps there are more expectations/ hopes that you will be, but you don't have to be. Be assertive and say sorry, no, I can't be your friend.

I suppose a big part of why I feel guilty is because I absolutely treasure my female friends and I do feel sorry for people who don’t have that in their lives

You can't be someone's friend on the basis of feeling sorry for them.

[nancywhitehead]

Also I do sympathise. I had a retail Saturday job at 16 and got this from older men even up to their 60's/ 70's, it was gross. I learned to be assertive though, for sure.

[nancywhitehead]

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Stop making small talk with strange men in public. I don't know why any woman would want to do that.

Because she works in retail so it's her job.

[OhLordyWhatNow]

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Stop making small talk with strange men in public. I don't know why any woman would want to do that.

Perhaps redirect that at the men?

Stop misinterpreting empty pleasantries and customer service as invitations. Just stop with the intrusive behaviour.

[SmokedDuck]

I can't quite picture this.

I've always been happy in job situations to chat with someone and get to know them a bit, if they are friendly, but I just consider that to be part of human interactions.

There are people who get a lot of their human interaction in shops and such, but are you sure this is a male/female thing? My grandfather when he was quite elderly used to spend hours a day walking in the shopping mall, and got to know many people there quite well. I used to get updates on all his doing from the (male) staff member at the chocolate shop, and the (male but a transwoman ) make-up counter person. He used to exchange CHristmas gifts with the latter person but I don't think there was any sense that there was some requirement to engage at that level. He was just a nice old man.

[Tal45]

I haven't had anyone ask if they can be my friend since school. I think it's very, very bizarre.

[PrawnofthePatriarchy]

I was intrigued by the thread title as I've got plenty of male friends but I think this is because nearly all my relatives are male and I went to a boys boarding school which took a few girls.

But I'm a lot older than you (60+) so it's a very different dynamic. The situation you describe is grim OP and I'm not surprised you resent it.

[Thecomfortador]

This happens over the phone as well. In my younger years I had a regular caller (HR for local authority) who would address me by first name when I answered and eventually told me he could marry more than one woman in his culture if I was interested. (No, but I'll send an information pack to you for that job you've expressed an interest in 50 times already).

Now I'm in a contact centre but thankfully don't take as many calls as I used to and tend to be 200 miles away so definitely can't attend their appointment to say hi. Have definitely learnt some assertive, polite but not encouraging responses over the years. And it's never women who do this.

[iklboo]

@KarenOhChristLord98 - STFU darling or take more water with it.

[2Rebecca]

Agree with Tal45. As a grown up you just become friends with people. You don't ask people to be your friend. I've not had men asking to be my friend since I was about 12. I probably don't collect needy people though

[2Rebecca]

I think if it were me then as soon as I got the needy vibe I'd emotionally distance myself and some being smiley and listening and find a job I needed to do. Also if they are wittering away I presume they aren't interested in buying anything and with the 2m rule may be preventing people coming near who want to buy something not find a girlfriend

[Ostara212]

OP "They’ll say, please be my friend."

Is this even happening now with all the restrictions?

I found, in retail and hospitality, a lot of men just ask for a date, but that's easier because you just say no.

I think if they,kre actually asking "be my friend", allow a brief silence, then talk about the product again.

[SmokedDuck]

I have been assuming they are not literally saying "be my friend". But now I am not sure. OP?

[Zinco]

Ive even had my next door neighbour, who is many years older than me, and who I had only nodded at in passing before approach me after my relationship broke down and tell me "you know I really like you don't you". It's predatory and scary at times.


I would likely find that creepy and a bit scary. But at the same time, I'm not sure the neighbour has actually done anything wrong. Approaching someone you don't know that well with romantic intentions? Is that wrong? Or is wrong to be interested in someone younger/older if you are both adults?

[Mulletsaremisunderstood]

Zinco - Approaching someone you don't know that well with romantic intentions? Is that wrong?
Yes, it's highly inappropriate to approach someone you barely know and tell them you have feelings for them. It assumes an intimacy that doesn't exist, and ignores the other person's boundaries. Particularly after she was just out of a relationship.

And it's not a coincidence that it's mainly men who do this to women. Women are socialised 'be kind', be pleasant, not offend men's feelings. Men know this.

I also cringe when I hear men talk about how so and so who works at the local shop was so friendly and obviously flirting with them. Eh, no. She was doing her job, she has to be friendly or she'll get fired. Leave her alone.

[Lovemusic33]

I have a few male friends I seem to have accumulated over the past 10 years, I’m not good at saying ‘no’ to friendship and I tend to find men easier to talk to, however they have all tried it on at some point so I’m pretty sure they only want to be friends on the off chance I might suddenly want to be more than friends. I am 39 and single, pretty average looking and very much independent.

[tonimitchell]

Ah thats really weird.

[Ostara212]

@Mulletsaremisunderstood

Zinco - Approaching someone you don't know that well with romantic intentions? Is that wrong?
Yes, it's highly inappropriate to approach someone you barely know and tell them you have feelings for them. It assumes an intimacy that doesn't exist, and ignores the other person's boundaries. Particularly after she was just out of a relationship.

And it's not a coincidence that it's mainly men who do this to women. Women are socialised 'be kind', be pleasant, not offend men's feelings. Men know this.

I also cringe when I hear men talk about how so and so who works at the local shop was so friendly and obviously flirting with them. Eh, no. She was doing her job, she has to be friendly or she'll get fired. Leave her alone.

absolutely this. I had an older male neighbour comment that my BF wasn't around any more and try to chat me up. Infuriating.