Women who grew up with self- deprecating mums-

[christmasclove]

How did you/did you break the cycle in time for raising kids?
I really don't want to repeat this.

[IdblowJonSnow]

I can be fairly self-deprecating yet my mum is a narcissistic gobshite. No idea where I got it from.

[HecatesCats]

@IdblowJonSnow

I can be fairly self-deprecating yet my mum is a narcissistic gobshite. No idea where I got it from.

That's nice IdBlowJohnSnow - how are you intending to be helpful?

[legalseagull]

@IdblowJonSnow

I can be fairly self-deprecating yet my mum is a narcissistic gobshite. No idea where I got it from.

Maybe subconsciously trying to avoid being like her?

No idea why someone posted this comment above ^^

[Thebumblingdark]

Someone once told me that it could be seen as quite rude to reject a compliment.
Since then I tried really hard to just say thank you, over time that really helps as you are not actively thinking of "negative " things to say about yourself.

Turns out my instinct to people please is stronger than my self depreciation reflex - that's never been useful before!

[MoltenLasagne]

I used to be very self deprecating and I realised that, rather than being modest, I was convincing myself that I wasn't good enough and it was becoming part of my self-talk.

I started to flip what I was saying and really over-egging it, so rather than saying "Sorry about the mash, I messed it up, you won't want to eat it" I'd say "Wait until you see the feast I have made. I've invented a whole new way of doing mash, it's going to revolutionise Sunday dinners as we know it, everyone is gonna want to copy me!"

Its somehow easier than just stopping saying negative things, its still somehow a bit self deprecating which is just part of who I am, but I don't end up getting the negative internal monologues.

[ICanoeCanYou]

My mum is another always so critical of her weight and appearance. Growing up she would always be on a diet of some description, and when I started puberty I got the “oh poor you you’ve got my small boobs/big bum/wonky legs” and I still get it now in my 30s.

[highame]

Lots of women apologise when they have nothing to apologise for. I have always found this a baffling thing. Bite tongue before the impulse to say 'sorry and insert 'oh that's a shame' instead

[IwishNothingButTheBestForYou2]

I recognise the tip-toe-ing around father trope. Fantastic thread this. Am taking notes!

[RomeoLikedCapuletGirls]

Oh what a good question OP! Yes.

My mum was self-deprecating in that way that lots of women are: they bring other people up by putting themselves down. I remember getting annoyed that she would start so many of her sentences with “Only..” and go on to provide a justification for what she was doing or asking.

Plus I looked down on her for “just” being a housewife and wanted so much to be like my dad who was good at the things I liked, like Maths, but he had a vocal preference for sons/boys so I was excluded from that club.

Then as I grew up and developed my critical thinking feminist skills I realised that putting my mum down was my internalised misogyny and started to see all the wonderful things my mum did and how intelligent she actually was. Plus she is very funny after a glass of wine.

I love my mum and dad so much but I do think I owe my own self-deprecation to that dynamic.

[Enterthedragons]

My mum is like this too, massively. I’ve always been very unconfident/socially anxious but fairly recently had a health scare with one of my DC and it put everything into perspective. I now don’t care about much apart from my family’s and my health and well-being and it has been quite liberating. I still say sorry out of habit too much but I’m trying to break that and replace ‘sorry I was late’ with ‘thank you for waiting for me’ etc. I don’t put myself down about my appearance ever (actually I don’t think I need to, I think I look fine), I don’t wear a lot of makeup as I want them to know they don’t need to cover their faces to be acceptable, I don’t expect myself, them, or anyone else to be perfect and I encourage them to make mistakes as that is how we all learn. I also practice mindfulness, listen to podcasts and follow a lot of accounts on social media for adults and kids about confidence, body neutrality, inclusivity, etc etc and these are slowly changing the way I think to a more healthy mindset.

It’s very much a work in progress though as for 35 years it never crossed my mind to be another way than self-depreciating based on my upbringing!

[SunshineSu]

This is so me. I never realised it was so pervasive. I have very much been brought up with the notion that 'blowing your own trumpet' makes you a terrible person therefore everything must be apologised for in advance lest people think that you are up yourself and don't know full well that what you do/say/wear/whatever is not up to standard. My family continue to be incredibly critical and whilst I do pull them up on it ("did you mean to be so rude?"), ultimately I don't think I will ever get beyond the idea that I am not good enough compared to everyone else. It is so deeply ingrained.

[CarlottaValdez]

My mum isn’t really but I’m terrible. I have very low self esteem but trying hard not to let this affect my DS.