Women who grew up with self- deprecating mums-

[christmasclove]

How did you/did you break the cycle in time for raising kids?
I really don't want to repeat this.

[CarlottaValdez]

My mum isn’t really but I’m terrible. I have very low self esteem but trying hard not to let this affect my DS.

[SunshineSu]

This is so me. I never realised it was so pervasive. I have very much been brought up with the notion that 'blowing your own trumpet' makes you a terrible person therefore everything must be apologised for in advance lest people think that you are up yourself and don't know full well that what you do/say/wear/whatever is not up to standard. My family continue to be incredibly critical and whilst I do pull them up on it ("did you mean to be so rude?"), ultimately I don't think I will ever get beyond the idea that I am not good enough compared to everyone else. It is so deeply ingrained.

[Enterthedragons]

My mum is like this too, massively. I’ve always been very unconfident/socially anxious but fairly recently had a health scare with one of my DC and it put everything into perspective. I now don’t care about much apart from my family’s and my health and well-being and it has been quite liberating. I still say sorry out of habit too much but I’m trying to break that and replace ‘sorry I was late’ with ‘thank you for waiting for me’ etc. I don’t put myself down about my appearance ever (actually I don’t think I need to, I think I look fine), I don’t wear a lot of makeup as I want them to know they don’t need to cover their faces to be acceptable, I don’t expect myself, them, or anyone else to be perfect and I encourage them to make mistakes as that is how we all learn. I also practice mindfulness, listen to podcasts and follow a lot of accounts on social media for adults and kids about confidence, body neutrality, inclusivity, etc etc and these are slowly changing the way I think to a more healthy mindset.

It’s very much a work in progress though as for 35 years it never crossed my mind to be another way than self-depreciating based on my upbringing!

[RomeoLikedCapuletGirls]

Oh what a good question OP! Yes.

My mum was self-deprecating in that way that lots of women are: they bring other people up by putting themselves down. I remember getting annoyed that she would start so many of her sentences with “Only..” and go on to provide a justification for what she was doing or asking.

Plus I looked down on her for “just” being a housewife and wanted so much to be like my dad who was good at the things I liked, like Maths, but he had a vocal preference for sons/boys so I was excluded from that club.

Then as I grew up and developed my critical thinking feminist skills I realised that putting my mum down was my internalised misogyny and started to see all the wonderful things my mum did and how intelligent she actually was. Plus she is very funny after a glass of wine.

I love my mum and dad so much but I do think I owe my own self-deprecation to that dynamic.

[IwishNothingButTheBestForYou2]

I recognise the tip-toe-ing around father trope. Fantastic thread this. Am taking notes!

[highame]

Lots of women apologise when they have nothing to apologise for. I have always found this a baffling thing. Bite tongue before the impulse to say 'sorry and insert 'oh that's a shame' instead

[ICanoeCanYou]

My mum is another always so critical of her weight and appearance. Growing up she would always be on a diet of some description, and when I started puberty I got the “oh poor you you’ve got my small boobs/big bum/wonky legs” and I still get it now in my 30s.

[MoltenLasagne]

I used to be very self deprecating and I realised that, rather than being modest, I was convincing myself that I wasn't good enough and it was becoming part of my self-talk.

I started to flip what I was saying and really over-egging it, so rather than saying "Sorry about the mash, I messed it up, you won't want to eat it" I'd say "Wait until you see the feast I have made. I've invented a whole new way of doing mash, it's going to revolutionise Sunday dinners as we know it, everyone is gonna want to copy me!"

Its somehow easier than just stopping saying negative things, its still somehow a bit self deprecating which is just part of who I am, but I don't end up getting the negative internal monologues.

[Thebumblingdark]

Someone once told me that it could be seen as quite rude to reject a compliment.
Since then I tried really hard to just say thank you, over time that really helps as you are not actively thinking of "negative " things to say about yourself.

Turns out my instinct to people please is stronger than my self depreciation reflex - that's never been useful before!

[legalseagull]

@IdblowJonSnow

I can be fairly self-deprecating yet my mum is a narcissistic gobshite. No idea where I got it from.

Maybe subconsciously trying to avoid being like her?

No idea why someone posted this comment above ^^

[HecatesCats]

@IdblowJonSnow

I can be fairly self-deprecating yet my mum is a narcissistic gobshite. No idea where I got it from.

That's nice IdBlowJohnSnow - how are you intending to be helpful?

[IdblowJonSnow]

I can be fairly self-deprecating yet my mum is a narcissistic gobshite. No idea where I got it from.

[GrinitchSpinach]

I try and remind myself that this is actually a good example of not getting it perfect but moving in the right direction

Extremely good point, Hardback!

[Hardbackwriter]

My mother tried very hard to raise us to believe in ourselves, to feel confident and not worry about appearance/weight/makeup etc, BUT she really undermined that message by expressing dismay about her own weight and appearance pretty frequently.

Exactly this with my mum (and in lots of other ways but appearance - e.g. she would - still does!- tell me constantly how clever I am and how I can do anything, but makes constant comments about how stupid she is when she makes tiny little mistakes and then wonders where my perfectionism comes from) - the contradictions really messed with my head, especially since at the same time I was often being told how like her in both appearance and personality I was.

But I try and remind myself that this is actually a good example of not getting it perfect but moving in the right direction; my mum's own mum was incredibly, cruelly critical of her and so even if mum can't silence her own self-criticism it's a big step that she didn't replicate that with me, and that she demonstrated an unconditional love that she was never shown. I tell myself that she made a huge stride forward, and that I can carry on that good work by taking another little step, and so little by little my grandmother's toxic influence (which I'm sure was the result of what someone else did to her) is diluted down the generations...

[GrinitchSpinach]

My mother tried very hard to raise us to believe in ourselves, to feel confident and not worry about appearance/weight/makeup etc, BUT she really undermined that message by expressing dismay about her own weight and appearance pretty frequently.

I'm sure I make tons of mistakes all the time as a mother, but that is one area where I've tried to stay very conscious about the messages I send to my daughters. The only comment I ever make after they're weighed at the doctor's office, for example, is, "Great growing! I am so glad you're healthy and strong." I know that when they enter the teenage years they'll think I am ridiculous, but I am hoping the underlying message gets into their subconscious before then...

[midsummabreak]

@christmasclove Please remember, and believe, you are worthy, you are worthy of love, you are worthy of respect, you are worthy of accolades for your small or great successes

[midsummabreak]

christmasclove something a gorgeous person once told me at a time when I was really struggling was to remind me that we are all equally worthy, and to remember that we are all human

Thankyou vixb1 for the recommendation to listen to and read about Brene Brown , her research and what she shares really resonates, love this

[Hardbackwriter]

One thing that you could try is practicing taking compliments gracefully,and focusing on acknowledging others kindness, instead of bringing the focus back to you by an ingrained habit of making self deprecating remarks in response.

This is a really good tip, and this is one thing I have got better at - I had a counsellor who got me to practice this and now I'm quite good at just saying 'thank you, that's lovely to hear' or similar rather than fighting the compliment (which always comes across like you're fishing anyway)

[chasegirl]

Yes my Mom was always critical about her weight and appearance too. It's not a good message to hear. I have those thoughts too but keep them too myself.

No evidence my Dd has these kinds of thoughts, she seems very self assured and confident but she's only 13,keeping my fingers crossed it lasts

[Hardbackwriter]

My mum is lovely but very, very self-critical and self-deprecating and it had a big impact on me. I'm really trying actively to break it but it's hard; I catch myself doing it so often without even realising. Two year old DS said 'oh, silly mummy' to me the other day when I dropped something and I realised how often he must have heard me say that. I don't and won't have daughters (currently pregnant with DS2, who will be my last) so I suppose my worry is less that they'll inherit it, as I did, and more that it'll shape their view/expectations of women if they constantly hear their mother listing how she's not good enough.

DH has started pointing it out when I do it after we talked about it, which helps - again, it's shocking how often he'll point out that I'm doing it and I won't even have realised.

[midsummabreak]

It really makes a difference who you surround yourself with in life, so ensuring that the partner that you choose to share your life truly respects you, and talks you up, not brings you down, and spending time with friends who love you for you, whether you share same interests or not.
For me self awareness was the first step in changing, and I can’t say that I’ve become full of confidence or as assertive as I feel I should be...it’s an ongoing battle, but I think that with self awareness you (mostly!) rid yourself of unhealthy behaviour over time.
One thing that you could try is practicing taking compliments gracefully,and focusing on acknowledging others kindness, instead of bringing the focus back to you by an ingrained habit of making self deprecating remarks in response.

[HecatesCats]

A lot of it is about breaking the pain barrier Christmas - knowing how your Mum might react to certain situations and forcing yourself to do the opposite while with the kids, until it comes more naturally!

[christmasclove]

Thanks for sharing. I can relate so much to all of this. Hadn't heard heard of the Brene Brown doc will be sure to check it out.
@Siameasy my mum often tip toes around my dad too, as we did as kids. It's no way to live and no way I'd want my own children to live.

[vixb1]

Have you ever watched any of Brene Browns stuff? There's a show on Netflix at the moment which is a good place to start.

She talks about vulnerability and harnessing it. She's amazing!

[HecatesCats]

@legalseagull

My mum was constantly critical of her weight and on one diet or another. I've vowed not to be like that

Same! My weight fluctuates and I'm trying to be really relaxed about my appearance with the kids and comfortable with my body. My mum always covered up when we were younger. She never took us swimming for example, I'm trying to break that habit, even though it's clearly had a big effect on me. I feel really exposed in the pool and I'm sure her anxiety has something to do with it.