Why does being asked to smile irk me so much?

[Ducknose]

Can somebody please explain, because I can't really vocalise it or put my finger on it.
It really winds me up when men say 'smile, love' or tell me to cheer up, in an otherwise perfectly normal encounter (I'm not crying or acting upset). It used to happen a lot more back in the day when I worked in retail, and I was reminded of it earlier when I overheard a man say to a cashier 'do I get a smile and a kiss with that?' Grrr!
I've posted it here because I've never heard a woman say it, and can't imagine a man saying it to another man :/

[Ducknose]

Maybe I'll laugh and say 'did you really just say that?' Or totally ignore next time. But I can't shake off the feeling of feeling sorry for the men if they're older, I don't know why! Maybe because I was brought up to respect my elders? But unless they're elderly, a reply is warranted, I think. It might make them think twice....or they might put it down to me being a cow or a bitch

[Lottapianos]

I find it quite satisfying to look at them and give a sad slow shake of the head, like you've never seen anything quite so pathetic in your whole life. It gives you a small sense of control but isn't aggressive enough to merit a nasty retort. That said, i think any woman who feels that 'fuck off' is an appropriate response to this nonsense should feel entirely justified

[MotherofPearl]

"It might make them think twice....or they might put it down to me being a cow or a bitch"

I'm happy to own being a bitch in this context. I normally respond to the 'smile love, it might never happen' stuff with a look of pure contempt mixed with sneering disgust. I have been tempted to say something like 'You'd not smile either if you'd just been diagnosed with cancer' to make them feel terrible, but haven't tried that yet!

[Elendon]

You are aware that elderly men are capable of being pervy too?

[Ineedacupofteadesperately]

I usually give a hard cold stare and then get on with my life. I don't want to engage in conversation with anyone who says this. Getting middle aged and grey has the advantage of it happening less and less.

[TyneTeas]

This is great about being told to smile

m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=2TmscdapDHg

[DoctorDoctor]

There is a great essay about this in a book by Dale Spender and Sally Cline, Reflecting Men at Twice Their Natural Size. It's called IIRC 'The Mandatory Smile and the Obligatory Orgasm'

[just5morepeas]

I used to work in a pub and got told this at least a couple of times a week. I never felt like I could respond because I guess part of my job is to be pleasant to the customers and great them in a friendly way.

No one ever said it to the male members of staff though.

[Ducknose]

That video is amazing!

[Floisme]

I think we have reason to be irked. I spend far more time than is good for me on 'Style and Beauty' and fear of looking angry seems to run deep. It's one of the main reasons given for using Botox.

[xMeowx]

once you start to hit late 40s / 50s, generally the comments stop. And once you are in your 60s, you are totally invisible

O find that being an ethnic minority makes you invisible to the male gaze/harassment.

[breakabletoy]

I absolutely hate this.

Last week I was rushing through a tube station and one of the station workers tutted at me and said "so serious."

What??? Im not allowed to be in a rush? Or look a bit stressed ... without some guy saying something? No one would ever react like that to a man in business attire rushing through a tube station.

It's like women are not permitted any kind of inner life, or feelings that deviate from the sparkles and sunshine men demand from us.

[dudsville]

I haven't been asked this in years but I was thinking about it recently, I never understood "smile, it might never happen". What might never happen???

[Ducknose]

Dudsville I used to wonder the same, I assume the thing that might never happen is the thing we look so 'worried' or 'serious' about. The person who says 'it' may never happen is making a massive assumption that 'it' hasn't already happened. It's a bit like the patronising saying, 'don't worry your pretty little head about it....get back to looking happy!'

[deydododatdodontdeydo]

Isn't "smile it might never happen" a bit different?
I have heard men say this to men and women say it to men.
But I haven't heard "cheer up" or "smile love" said to men.

[Eleanorsummer]

I get this often, and my automatic response is usually to frown/give them a dirty look. I am not a naturally smiley person unless I'm engaging with someone. I have never had a woman tell me to cheer up or smile, just men.
People have said it is just their way of flirting and starting a conversation with me, but I don't appreciate it at all.

[ErrolTheDragon]

People have said it is just their way of flirting and starting a conversation with me, but I don't appreciate it at all.

If you were sat alone at a bar or something, maybe that would be understandable, but its the assumption that a woman busy about her own business wants to be flirted with by a stranger which is irking.

[cakesonatrain]

My boss's boss used to do this to me. He'd walk past my desk, where I was concentrating on my work, and say "smile!". My responses eventually made him stop it, but infuriatingly, I can't remember exactly what I said. Something along the lines of "I'm not here to enjoy myself". And then when I made complaints about a colleague's sexist behaviour, I think Mr Boss started to realise that I was not one of the "girls" who would accept his everyday sexism.
I too found it hard to articulate exactly why I was not going to smile for him.

[PeterBlue]

OK, from the male perspective. A man comes up to me and says "Smile up mate, it might never happen." (this has actually happened to me BTW). I give the traditional reply "Too late mate, it already has." That's it. It's a bit of banter, nothing more and over and forgotten about as soon as the words are said.

[Trills]

Behold, a man has arrived to explain why something that we experience is not a big deal.

[PeterBlue]

No, I'm not saying that it's not a big deal for women.

What I was trying to say is that they men who say this don't see it as a big deal and consequently don't consider the recipient's feelings.

In most cases where the recipient is a man they are probably right. Where they recipient is a woman, clearly they are not.

[Dipster1]

I had this last week picking my DS up from school. It’s a special school and the man that said it is employed there (not a teacher) I was actually in a great mood having had the day off work but obviously was not making that clear enough as I walked past oblivious of him.

I got the full ‘cheer up luv, it might never ‘appen. You only ‘ave to ‘ave ‘em back at the weekend it can’t be that bad’.

I was fuming, not only because of the crass comment but also the implication that I thought of my DS in that way because of his SEN. The opposite is true! I gave my best sarcastic smile and death stare (just about saved the ‘fuck off’ for when I was out of hearing distance).

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Because it's rude and intrusive and NOTHING to do with anyone else if you smile or not ESPECIALLY a random man!

[Trills]

We know that many people "don't mean any harm by it" when they say it. We are not imagining that it is always maliciously intended.

But intent is not magic. How you think (or fail to think) about your actions does not change the effect of those actions.

As a man, you are more likely to be listened to by other men. So rather than telling women things that we already know (that the men telling us to smile do not mean any harm, they just haven't thought about how you feel) why not tell those men that they SHOULD be thinking more about the effect of their words on other people?

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

In most cases where the recipient is a man they are probably right. Where they recipient is a woman, clearly they are not

Men don't tend to say it to other men though.