Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

1 2 3

Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Why does being asked to smile irk me so much?

72 replies

Ducknose · 29/09/2017 18:05

Can somebody please explain, because I can't really vocalise it or put my finger on it.
It really winds me up when men say 'smile, love' or tell me to cheer up, in an otherwise perfectly normal encounter (I'm not crying or acting upset). It used to happen a lot more back in the day when I worked in retail, and I was reminded of it earlier when I overheard a man say to a cashier 'do I get a smile and a kiss with that?' Grrr!
I've posted it here because I've never heard a woman say it, and can't imagine a man saying it to another man :/

OP posts:

Report

Datun · 02/11/2017 14:41

HornyTortoise

I’m very sorry to hear about your dad. That’s awfully distressing.

I believe my reply was along the lines of 'it already fucking did, now go to fucking hell you horrible creepy cunt'.

This. Is. Awesome.

HornyTortoise · 02/11/2017 14:34

I really hate this, and it is said to me so much. Unsure if I am just in the wrong place at the wrong time a lot or if I do just have a very miserable face. But even if its the latter, its my right to be bloody miserable if I chose to.

I tend to ignore it completely. Only time I answered was when some utter creep said it the day I found out my dad had had a heart attack. Was on way to hospital to see him and at that stage we didn't know quite how bad he was or anything so naturally was very deep in thought and upset. I believe my reply was along the lines of 'it already fucking did, now go to fucking hell you horrible creepy cunt'. Which had him spluttering, then a bloke who overheard this took over the berating whilst I made my escape. Thanks random man.

ShotsFired · 02/11/2017 11:12

Aside from the whole "how about you fuck off telling me what do with my face" bit of it, has anyone ever seen a person walking around smiling at everything non-stop? It looks fucking creepy!

Nobody just has a smile plastered on for no reason, our faces are designed to be neutral unless you activate the muscles to smile (or frown).

Her0utdoors · 02/11/2017 11:02

Last time I got smile love, it might never happened, I was dragging myself into Aldi, with 6month DD on my hip, completely sleep deprived, depressed and dh had just been diagnosed with cancer. I can't remember my response, but it would have been sturdily Anglo Saxon.
Once on holiday, my then 2yo DD was told by another tourist, a young woman, that she was 'much prettier when she smiled'. I told the woman there's a lot more to life than being pretty.
There's a staff member at DD Preschool who tells her to 'turn that frown upside down'. I really hope she says it to the boys too. I rarely see her actually smile her self though!

Datun · 02/11/2017 10:35

I expect at least a semi cheerful mood.

Why?

AgonyBeetle · 02/11/2017 10:29

nails it.

GlitterGlue · 02/11/2017 10:22

Oh you expect a semi-cheerful mood do you, user? What makes you think you can expect that?

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 02/11/2017 10:12

Well, first off NAMALT but secondly, you should smile anyway. Oh and you probably do look miserable as fuck. HTH.

Thanks for the ever so helpful contribution user...

user1466799132 · 02/11/2017 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 31/10/2017 21:40

'I only smile when I'm drinking the blood of my enemies. Would you like to be my enemy?' works a treat if you are of a goth/metal/punk persuasion.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2017 21:11

The only response I ever gave to "cheer up love, it might never happen" was "it just did". With a withering look.

The men who have had it happen to them... how often? And have you also had obscenities whispered to you, been followed, been touched in the street without permission, been sexually assaulted?

Because one of the reasons I hated it in my youth (when it happened all the fucking time) was I didn't know who this one was. Was he the cheeky chappy? Was he the guy who would get really aggressive if I said anything? Was he dangerous? Would he try to follow me home? Did he have mates with him? Would be say other things?

I tend to date (and marry) over 6 footers, hairy, martial arts aficionados, with broken noses and shaved heads. Oddly no one seems to say it to them... and they look grumpy significantly more than me.

BingoFlamingo · 31/10/2017 19:55

I'm a man and I've had men and women say it to me. Annoying and rude, but can't see how it's a feminist/male issue.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 31/10/2017 17:48

What's the saying? Pretty is not a price you have to pay to exist in the world.

I think this smiling thing is exactly that. I'm naturally a smiley person, so I've only had the "cheep up, it might never happen" once - right when I'd just heard my uncle had died. At least I didn't have to think up a response that left them feeling like the massive dickhead they were.

Splandy · 31/10/2017 17:32

I have asked men to dance for me in the past, not in this street scenario, but on nights out when I'm just sick of it. It is amusing but probably unwise (only get that bolshy when I've been drinking) as they could become aggressive when rejected/humiliated. It's not how they expect the interaction to go. I'm supposed to seek their approval, not the other way round!

My dad has definitely had the 'cheer up, it might never happen' because he frequently talks about how much he hates it! He never gets told to just smile, though. I think i just asked "why?" last time it happened, and the man shook his head as though I was beyond his help and wisdom

IfNot · 31/10/2017 16:04

Wait... a strange man walking up to another man and telling him to smile? Yeah that happens so much it's a thing.
Maybe womendoittoo? I must admit, when walking past a sixth form boy just now I was tempted ( as we all must be from time to time).
I don't mean any harm though.

LeCroissant · 31/10/2017 15:49

I just look right through the person who says it. It's really effective because it makes them look like a weirdo who's shouting in the street (which is effectively what they are). It is intensely embarrassing to randomly squawk at someone only for them to entirely ignore you.

IMO men do it because they feel entitled to get positive attention from women. If you're just minding your own business you're not fulfilling your purpose so they have to remind you of what your purpose is. I think there's also a lurking feeling that if you're not looking positive then you're judging them in some way.

If men genuinely wanted to be friendly/make a connection they could just say hi.

Squeee · 31/10/2017 15:13

I really hate to be told to smile too..also really despise "cheer up it might never happen" the times I have heard that it bloody did happen. I too used to be ordered to smile by my mother. Like that would erase the red eyes from crying and the red well on my face where I'd been struck. So I went around smiling all the time until a man told me why do you always have a weird smile on your face. I'll smile if I feel like it now. Not all the time. Oddly I don't hear smile at all now..but that may be as a result of me being older and seen as less decorative.

NotAgainYoda · 09/10/2017 18:32

Ok, never been said to 2 sons or husband.

NotAgainYoda · 09/10/2017 18:30

Do men say it to men? I am going to do a survey tomorrow.

I don't want to call bullshit just yet, but...

histinyhandsarefrozen · 09/10/2017 07:15

Yeah I've had to have long conversations with teen ds about how to deal with the 'give us a smile, cheer ups,' that men shout at him especially when he's in school uniform.
(Not)

Datun · 08/10/2017 22:38

In most cases where the recipient is a man they are probably right.

Yeah because this happens to men all the time. Other men walk up to them and tell them to smile, love.

jacintaR · 08/10/2017 14:30

@PeterBlue, did you mean to type 'smile up' or did you mean 'cheer up'? So if the 'cheer up love/mate' is merely banter, what about when another man goes up to you and tells you to smile? It that really a male problem, or did you just come here to say it's no big deal, we're all just too sensitive and self important? Because if you think it represents nothing then neither should any woman?

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 08/10/2017 12:01

In most cases where the recipient is a man they are probably right. Where they recipient is a woman, clearly they are not

Men don't tend to say it to other men though.

Trills · 08/10/2017 11:54

We know that many people "don't mean any harm by it" when they say it. We are not imagining that it is always maliciously intended.

But intent is not magic. How you think (or fail to think) about your actions does not change the effect of those actions.

As a man, you are more likely to be listened to by other men. So rather than telling women things that we already know (that the men telling us to smile do not mean any harm, they just haven't thought about how you feel) why not tell those men that they SHOULD be thinking more about the effect of their words on other people?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 08/10/2017 11:40

Because it's rude and intrusive and NOTHING to do with anyone else if you smile or not ESPECIALLY a random man!

Unflip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.