Dealing with a misogynistic father

[wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool]

I've had a difficult relationship with my father since I hit adolescence. In some ways I'm proud of his acheivements, he's done well for himself in an industry that contributes to society, he's well read with a good sense of humour and enjoys life. But he sees women as only helpmeets. He's not kind, even to his wife, and he's not kind to me. He let me down during a difficult time in my life and he NEVER praises or congratulates me on my success. This is despite some pretty special successes recently. He always manages to undermine, dismiss or belittle anything I do. Sometimes on the basis that it's "a bit women's lib" He's said plenty of stuff in the past that reveals he has a bad attitude towards women and girls.

He's very interested in what my husband does and my sons but he doesn't usually even ask how I am when I phone or visit. If I try to te;l him anything from my life he sort of ignores me, or responds very slightly. I've recently been trying to maintain something of a relationship with him as he's getting older. I don't want him to die with us on poor terms. I only visit and phone maybe once every two months, it's not a massive commitment.

My question to my fellow feminists is how can I relate to him without his attitude upsetting me, or getting to me. I can't be the only one with misogynists for relatives. I've just come off the phone with him and I'm feeling pretty upset even though it wasn't that bad. I don't need his approval but I want him to not be a dick because he's my dad and I'd also really like a bit of support and encouragement occasionally. I do realize this isn't going to happen, my question is more about how to handle my own continually thwarted desire for him to be a bit more pleasant to deal with.

[wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool]

What a great post Cheese thank you. I also like your name change. Cheese on toast is my favourite.
I've married a man a bit like the one you describe and he's a great father to our two children, though he's not a catholic and definitely pro choice. I wish I had daughters I think he'd be a great example. Obviously he's a great example to our sons.

It would have been so helpful to me to have parents who helped me question things, especially sexism. Unfortunately neither of them did that. My mother grew a little more aware as she got older but really there were no feminists in my life till I was in my mid twenties. I honestly think that if there had been I wouldn't have suffered so much as a teenager and as a young woman and I would have made better choices about relationships with men.

[cheeseandtoast]

It sounds like things are on track for you and your partner and children to value equality and live equally and really that is fantastic - truly fantastic. Remember that that is progress and I am a firm believer in moving forward. Imagine if your partner and father of your children was a sexist being.

If your father is lucky he will get it one day but maybe he won't - maybe he will hold on to the same views and die with him but that is his big big loss - let's face it there is enough bull shit media out there to reinforce sexism and misogynistic views and I find people who are sexist just seek out people who reinforce their views.

I am not sure what I would do in your situation I think I would keep things practical and try not over invest in the relationship.

Going back to me yes I do feel that somehow my father filled me wth some sort of inner confidence and resilience while opening my eyes to the world. I do think that somehow I was pretty set from the age of 13.

I also think having an idea about the constructs around you - so that helps me understand people's behaviours.