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Feminism: chat

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Feminism: chat

Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Handling this situation with DP

38 replies

GingerSkin · 15/12/2014 22:21

Rare night out the other week with DP and his friends. Only one girlfriend there of DP's friends so we buddied up whilst the others caught up.

On the whole lovely evening apart from one of DP's friends who was very drunk having been at the football match and drinking all day. He took one look at me when we arrived and said "I'd fuck it"

I think my response was something like "excuse me?" and he backtracked and said I looked nice not before drinking more beer and drooling over other women near by.

The other girlfriend received a similar comment a little later and then the drunken idiot friend went home.

The girlfriend and I were more pissed off that our respective partners didn't say anything to him. Had that have been a stranger they wouldn't have accepted it, so why was it different?

We could neither be arsed to cause an argument on a night out and I didn't feel annoyed enough to bring it up with DP afterwards either.

But it's just been brought up. DP has been to the gym with his friend (the one with the girlfriend) and he told him his girlfriend and I were annoyed.

I'm now more annoyed by DP's response. DP shook it off with me really saying that he (drunk friend) was paying me a compliment . I said that's definitely not how I saw it but that I was more annoyed that not one of the lads told the drunk friend it was out of order to talk to women like that (or took his beer off him and put him in a cab).

"I'd fuck it" is just wrong to me.
Why does DP think this is ok?
How do I tackle this with him now. It's not a deal breaker (LT relationship, child, mortgage etc) I'm just annoyed he thinks it's a compliment. Or am I completely overreacting?

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partialderivative · 16/12/2014 17:01

Because he's a decent man who recognises sexism? Maybe because men are listened to more than women (especially by other men)? Or simply some support?

But what if he's a decent man who realises that there is little to be achieved by addressing a mate when he is too drunk to hold a proper conversation.

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scallopsrgreat · 16/12/2014 17:06

Well fair enough. But that isn't what he thought is it? He didn't think it was an issue. He thought he was giving her a compliment.

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scallopsrgreat · 16/12/2014 17:09

I know what they are saying BreakingDad77. I am saying that the OP didn't come across as demanding 'protection' from her partner.

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HouseWhereNobodyLives · 16/12/2014 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

partialderivative · 16/12/2014 17:17

he (drunk friend) was paying me a compliment

That is awful.

I should have read that from the start.

Sorry to OP and others

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OmnipotentQueenOfTheUniverse · 16/12/2014 21:22

When it actually happened - a lot depends on dynamics personalities and so on. I wouldn't expect DH to say anything as he is very non confrontational generally and if it was one of his friends who I knew I'd deal with it myself and also depends on how pissed everyone is etc etc etc really no wrong/right type thing.

Can see both the knight in shining armour thing and the why not call his mates out thing.

However, the bit afterwards where he said it was a compliment, WTF? I mean seriously, that's just ridiculous. The what happened in the pub bit is hard to call and I wouldn't like to without knowing the poeple / being there but that is just outrageous. Obviously it's not a compliment, obviously it's totally dehumanising and just horrible. So he is totally BU on that score.

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GingerSkin · 16/12/2014 22:58

Sorry for not returning to the thread, I posted last night when I got in to bed and been out the house since 5.45am this morning, returning late tonight and just remembered I posted this.

Firstly, thanks for the honest responses.

I certainly need to have a discussion with DP but I personally am going to take some ownership here for not being as assertive as I normally am. And certainly with DP when it was mentioned on Monday. I didn't handle it right but I'd just got in from work, we were part-talking about it, dealing with toddler, cooking dinner excuses I know I just let it go, as sometimes it's easier to not make a big thing about these things with DP, and tackle it in other ways, which has worked in the past.

I think omnipotent is right that it's hard in the OP to explain the dynamics, but in general the 'lads' (including DP) do think drunk friend is a bit of a wankbadger but it's kind of accepted. He was trollied and had any of the mates (again, inc DP) have said anything on the night, it wouldn't have made a scrap of difference I don't think because a) he wouldn't have remembered, and b) it would have caused a big argument and the meaning of the argument would have been completely lost. It wasn't an appropriate time and my response of 'excuse me?' was enough.

In answer to a few questions -

Were you hoping that he had said something as well? Do you normally think of your DP as your Knight in armour, rushing in to defend your honour? I was hoping that when DP mentioned it to me (over a week later as he found out that I and other friend's GF were irritated by the comment / acceptance of men thinking this was the right way to behave) that he'd say something like "drunk friend is a tool / idiot / wankbadger".

I was absolutely not looking for any knight in shining armour, I can handle myself and his mates know that, in fairness, they respect me for this in the 9 years I've known them. But this friend in particular is a bit of an arse and I think that is accepted as part of the group so no one really challenges it.

Was DP in earshot when the guy said that? come to think of it, no I don't think he was. It was a loud bar, music blaring and we'd not long arrived. My main issue was DP's response when he brought it up the other day.

Like I said, I will handle / tackle DP in a different way. He knows my feelings on this type of thing and he too normally supports them, hence my surprise at him even expecting me to accept that wankbadger drunk friend was paying me a compliment. I also question if he realises exactly what wankbadger drunk friend said as in using the word "it" and not "her". That doesn't make it much better if it was "her" but the word "it" is utterly dehumanising and not acceptable.

Thanks all. You've made me feel like I'm not overreacting.

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partialderivative · 17/12/2014 07:59

The girlfriend and I were more pissed off that our respective partners didn't say anything to him.

I took that to mean that they didn't say anything at the time. Hence some of my other posts.

I'm finding it hard to comprehend how anyone could think "I'd fuck it" was anything other than offensive.

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YonicSleighdriver · 17/12/2014 08:12

Also, if a couple are friends with someone, isn't it usually whoever is closer to the someone who'd say something (same principle as each partner telling their own parent to step back rather than the DW doing it to her MIL or vice versa)

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GingerSkin · 17/12/2014 22:12

partial I suppose I meant say something to him / back me, as in "time to go home wankbadger, you've had too much to drink and that kind of thing ain't on..." Or something similar. But hindsight is great.

Having spoken briefly to DP about it again today, he wasn't aware wankbadger said 'it' and I suppose I am still disappointed in DP's response to it all (normal lads being lads type thing)

If my girlfriends started being like this with my DP when we were all out and he was a minority sex, I'd be unhappy with the gf's behaviour but I'd probably tackle it the next day, not before getting them in a taxi home. I need to explain this to DP unfortunately as I still don't think he gets it.

Anyhow the thread has been interesting and helpful to me so thank you all for the replies.

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AskBasil4StuffingRecipe · 18/12/2014 09:05

normal lads aren't like this.

Men who say this is normal, want to justify their own shit and their own refusal to recognise that they're happy to benefit from the fact that some men will treat women like shit. Makes them look better without having to actually dissociate themselves from it. Win win all round for men.

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GingerSkin · 18/12/2014 22:38

Very true ask that's a very good point that I want to make.

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SolidGoldBrass · 06/01/2015 17:03

I know (and any man I hae dated would know) that if a man stepped up to 'deal with' another man who was annoying me, it would annoy me even more. (Unless it was a case of a strange man who was actually getting physically aggressive in which case any friend having my back would be welcome...).

But a lot of people have friends who are sometimes rude, but who are generally tolerated, or even liked, for a variety of other qualities they possess, and it can be a difficult line to draw.