To be baffled at the male assumption that random women will wish to engage in sexual inuendo

[Greythorne]

I do a lot of volunteering at my DCs school. I run a library and send out group emails with class info etc. (We are in France).

Yesterday, I send a group email asking for people to return their DCs library books.

One father replied that he would bring the book to the summer fair on saturday. Fine, says I, I will be running the "throw a sponge at the headmaster" stand, so look out for me there.

Father responds: Ooooh, is that the wet tee shirt stand?
Me: Gosh, I hope not. I will be rescinding my offer of help if so.
Father: Oh, don't say that, you might win!
Me:

WTAF? Why? Why? Why?

I am a forty-something happily married mother running a library (FFS) and still I am seen as a target for sexual banter.

And yet so many women don't want to be feminists. Bangs head on desk.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

Oh yes, sorry about that, hully. Selfish of me

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

Hope someone saw my message before it got deleted.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

I saw it Special!

[MarshaBrady]

Agree the default should be not to do it.

I remember first encountering it at work, first job, with older boss. Was yeuch.

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

Yay Parsley!

Interesting out of all the rule breaking posts on MN, only ever the ones about certain goaders who happen to be male are deleted.

Crybaby

I maintain my position about sexual harrasment. I'm not being vain but I am a conventionally attractive woman. But what upsets me even more than the filth spewed at me/suggestions of affairs/even bum pinching is that women tell me how LUCKY I am!!??

WTAF does THAT say about society/patriarchy? :(

[piprabbit]

Special - I was sexually assaulted in the street last year. My DMum said "Well at least you know someone fancies you".

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

Pip I'm so sorry. :( I've also been attacked and the laid back attitude of women scares me more TBH. As horrid as this sounds, I virtually expect men to talk down to me/make comments about my appearance.

I expect better of women. I don't know if that makes me sexist or what, but it really upsets me that fellow woman shrug. Or worse - If it was their husband/boyfriend who attacked you- actually use victim blaming language rapists use. :(

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

You ever need a virtual shoulder Pip, feel free to PM me. I know it's not much as I'm hardly as articulate and well educated as lots of these amazing women, but I'd like you to know I'm here and I understand someone who should support you fully in your trauma looking blank and thinking you should be 'grateful.' It's like being attacked all over again isn't it? :(

Sorry for the ambiguity, I just don't want to say who in public in case she's on MN, I'm recognisable.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Interesting, Special...I know what you mean about expecting better of women, I'm the same. I think it is a kinda sexism. Wouldn't it be good to get everyone to behave better, and raise the standards!

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

Isn't that the dream Parsley?

I want my DSS to be loved and respected after DH and I are gone even though he'll never be able to have a job.

I want DTD to be braver than I, and say 'that's not on.'

I want DTS to do his share of the housework and childcare for the child/ren he created. I want him to say 'That's not on.'

Mainly, I want my DC to never need to say 'that's not on.' Which is why I'm trying to be vocal about my feminist beliefs. DH shares (most) of them, but I cannot believe the amount of male friends who get irrationally angry when I merely point out the changed the topic and spoke over me. So small compared to the bigger issues but these are genuinely gentle, normal men like my DH. But I've noticed things from I'm spoken over to teased a tad more to being asked to brink in the drinks to bigger things like I'm always the last to be served.

It all seems so subconscious that when I point it out they get truly upset. It just enforces my view of how strong the stranglehold on society by the patriarchy is.

(I have more male than female friends in case anyone was wondering WTF I was on about.)

Luckily My H has truly earned his 'D'H title by listening, researching and learning. We were all ready pretty even footed in our relationship (so I thought before I discovered radical feminism) But now he actually genuinely agrees with me on issues like sex workers. Particularly when he realised it didn't make him 'smug' men were staring at my chest and he realised it wasn't okay to expect me to change my attire for an example. He still disagrees on certain points, but I feel very lucky after all the abusive relationships I've been through.

End Brag/Rant.

I find a part of me pities the (average KIND) menz because of the patriarchy. DH was nervous for me to take photos of him with DTD in the bathtub for example.

Society needs to wake up. Other than men in power, we all suffer from this fucked up ideology. Especially women.

[piprabbit]

Thank you Special - I've PM'd you.
I can forgive my DMum, she had come round to tell me about some bad news of her own without realising I'd spent all morning with the police. But I can't forget what she said.

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

I PMed you back.

I know what you mean about forgiving not forgetting. You'll see from my PM my personal reason for not forgetting.

Anyway, hijacking over! Still stand by deleted post... Wish I'd saved it to repost

[ParsleyTheLioness]

I agree with most on the thread that the default position should be not to assume women are up for the twingey y-fronty-type nonsense though.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Special if its any consolation, I remembered the gist of what you said -and have repeated it for requests by pm

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

Parsley, you and I need wine, a good takeaway and a good debate I think!

(Men can care for the children. they run the fucking world, they can change a shitty nappy )

Anyway, done hijacking Will continue lurking and learning!

[ParsleyTheLioness]

Yes Special I agree. The male assumption thing for me comes under the general heading of That Sense of Entitlement too many of them have.

[HullMum]

I'm not sure it's been said but for some of the totally mad posters on here who see it as just a "bit of banter"..


Joking about wet tshirts contests? Wet tshirt contests are solely for male pleasure they are as sexist as you get, and unlike strippers or prostitutes the woman is doing it for the sexual gratification of men whilst not even getting paid.

So not only has he's said he wants to see her tits but he's basically called her stupid too.

In what dimension would the be reverse acceptable?

"library books..blah blah.. I'd love it if your jeans got wet and I could see the outline of your cock, and if possible I'd love to see it in a competitive situation where I could judge your cock against the cocks of other fathers of children that I teach."

[Greythorne]

Gosh, if only I had thought of laughing off unwanted sexual banter, lifeandstyule.

All this feminist talk has obviously muddled my thinking.

Thanks for your advice.

[Chubfuddler]

Maybe you should all wear t-shirts warning you are a feminist to warn men not to joke with you or even go near you.

that probably wouldn't help over the medium of email.

Maybe men just shouldn't make remarks about women's tits? That works.

[Fillyjonk75]

I wouldn't be massively offended by such a comment but I would think someone who tries to engage in such 'banter' who doesn't know me from adam is rather socially awkward, a bit of an assclown and to be avoided.

Unless you know someone well you maintain formality in emails, simple as that. Also I've been with DH since I was 23 and I'm now 37, since we entered into a serious relationship I've never remotely flirted with anyone sexually, you just don't! Unless you have a very frail ego and are a bit sad that is.

[Fillyjonk75]

women who aren't feminists (ie most of them) would probably just have laughed off the wet t-shirt banter.

Just because they laugh it off doesn't mean they have enjoyed the conversation or felt remotely comfortable about it. I can't count the times men have been inappropriate with me and I've smiled politely while thinking "Fuck off you ugly wanker" in my head.

[StuffezLaYoni]

As many people have said here, surely the default setting when talking to new people should just be to avoid the sexual banter? I have a good sense of humour and love socialising with people, but I wouldn't welcome sexual innuendos about my tits from someone I'd just met. In fact, when a relative stranger does make those kind of comments, it really puts me off them as they just seem crass and not too bright.