Why am I struggling to cut dd's hair short?

[BlameItOnTheBogey]

DD is 2 (nearly 3). She is rough and tumble and gives her older brother a run for his money in any physical activity. She's not at all interested in dresses/ skirts and wants to be in jeans and trainers all the time. All good.

But she HATES having her chin length hair brushed. It's semi curly and knots a lot. It hurts when I brush it for her and makes her cry. She has repeatedly asked me to cut it short like her older brothers (cropped very short). I have no idea why I am reluctant to do this; I don't want to hurt her. I guess I have never seen a two year old girl with cropped hair and I worry about what people will think. I know this is ridiculous and that I my refusal to do so is down to gender stereotyping.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Would you consider cutting your young dd's hair very short?

[MiniTheMinx]

Yes boys looks and boys decision making processes are not questioned. They are upheld to be valid because they are male.

[RiaOverTheRainbow]

I think having spent years dealing with curly tangled hair I identified more with the practicalities of the OP than the politics, and I replied the way I would have in Chat. This thread's made me think more about why I keep my hair long though.

[TeiTetua]

I question whether a boy would have more freedom to decide how he wants to look. Most boys get short haircuts and no arguments about it. If the parents don't insist, the other kids will hassle him until he conforms.

You have to have some sympathy for the hairdresser. She spends her day styling women's hair, and a girl comes in who wants her hair so short it can only be worn one way--to the hairdresser, that's just likely to seem totally wrong.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Sorry Abigail, I didn't think you were criticising the OP, just that people suggesting eg tangle teasers were trying to be helpful given the OP's mixed feelings.

I take your point about how there wouldn't be a dilemma at all if it was a DS under discussion.

[TeiTetua]

No dilemma because all options are available, or because none are?

[AbigailAdams]

Yes I see what you mean Doctrine - especially with Ria's comment as well. I just find it a bit depressing that even so young, boys=practical girls=pretty.

And I agree TeiTetua about boys being restricted, only I don't think that they would be expected to "manage" their hair or put up with discomfort just to keep long hair (unless they wanted to).

[NoWayNoHow]

Haven't read the whole thread, so sorry if I'm already saying what others have said, or if the thread's moved on from the original OP.

I think parents and children can cut their children's hair however they like. However, pre-puberty, and especially pre-school, before there's facial hair and boobs and face shape and feature distinction, there is very little to tell the genders apart besides clothes and hair, so parents just need to be aware that there might be misunderstandings and should try to be tolerant and understanding of this.

My mum was very upset last year at a festival we went to when DS was playing with a child there, because my mum referred to the "little girl" and the mother of the child absolutely laid into her as it was her little boy, not girl.

In my mother's defence, there are very few boys around with hair down the middle of their backs. She wasn't being mean or insulting, she just made an assumption based on 59 years of looking at boys and girls and assimilating appearance.

[MiniTheMinx]

NoWayNoHow, so easily done though and unless we can find another way of referring to people in the third person rather than using him, her, she,he that is always liable to happen. That mother's reaction was strange to say the least.

[TeiTetua]

One would think that the mother of the boy with long hair would be used to him being taken for a girl. She could just say "Oh, people think he's a girl all the time. But it really doesn't make much difference, does it?"

I wonder how much he has to endure in order to wear his hair down his back. If he isn't being allowed to be a wild child, surely the burden would be the same as for a girl. But then think of all the ribbons, clips, clasps and bands that a girl might use. Would a boy? If his styles went beyond loose or a simple ponytail, then people really would look at him doubtfully.

boys=practical girls=pretty Yes, that's it exactly. And it stays with us our whole lives...

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

I get fed up with being pressured to cut ds1's hair and keep it short - in fact when I finally gave in took him to the hairdresser last week I was annoyed when the hairdresser made a comment about ds having a 'girls' hair do (it was verging on a chin length bob but still keep your comments to yourself when I am paying please!).

I do admit to keeping dd1's very thick, wavy and lovely hair long out of a desire not to shear her like my mother did to me, I had a terrible bowl cut throught much of the eighties, as Ma had never heard of conditioner and didn't want to deal with my tears every morning, as she tugged a comb through my wavy/ tangly hair! Not that I am bitter or anything . If she starts asking for a short hair cut then I will consider it but knowing how flighty she is I will want to be sure she is sure first.

I think there is more you can do with long hair I enjoy having longer hair, so I feel sorry for men feeling they should have short hair rather than the other way round. But I can see there is a pressure on girls to look pretty - I prefer the wild untamed look my self (so dd can spend weekends looking like cousin it!) so silly hair frippery I tend to avoid.

[blackcurrants]

This is a fascinating thread.
DS is two, he's has had four haircuts at the hairdressers, and the last two times we did it with clippers at home "Just like Daddy" - because we're skint, we already cut DH's hair that way, and because he hates, hates, hates having shampoo (and/or peanut butter or whatever's ended up in his hair) rinsed out, so shorter makes more sense.

Dmum hates the way we cut his hair 'so short' and tells me 'he looks scalped' and etc. I knew she would, she's been saying the same about my nephew for 8 years or so. My baseline is that I won't make DS more uncomfortable/miserable than necessary by having him endure multiple rinses of longer hair (it's very thick) when I can keep his hair short and it's a quick rise job at bathtime.

I wonder how differently I'd feel about it if he was a girl, though. Most of my friends who've had DDs around the time DS was born are just getting into the clips/bows/need something to keep her hair out of her face phase now. If I'd never cut DS's hair it would be almost shoulder length by now, I imagine....

I don't know where I'm going with this, to be honest, but it is very interesting to me. DS needs a bit of a trim as he's starting to look like a fluffyheaded dandelion but part of me doesn't want to as it's so damn cute like this.
And yet. And yet. He hates having his hair rinsed. And do I really want him to cry because I think he looks cute with longer hair? It's not my call, really, is it? It's not my body.

[hotbot]

Another v. Short pixie cut on dd here as well, she is now 6, but short since 2yrs old.
She looks funky, cute and incredibly cheeky, but of course I am biased.

[InNeedOfBrandy]

Iv'e been watching this thread with interest.

My dd has always wanted short hair as she hates me brushing and combing it. She has afro hair it's no joke it's hard work to look after. But I haven't ever cut it (she's almost 7) because I always wanted long hair as a child (instead of my very very bobbed hair) and I don't want her to not be beautiful. That sounds terrible saying it's because I don't want her to not be beautiful but I can't explain it another way.

[InNeedOfBrandy]

By the way my very very very bobbed hair looking back on pictures looked really cool but I just wanted long princess blonde hair instead of short and ginger.

[blackcurrants]

That's interesting, InNeed - but a bit strange.... Have I read it right, because it does read a bit like you're saying "because I couldn't have the haircut I wanted as a child (long) my daughter cannot have the hair she wants as a child (short)."

[InNeedOfBrandy]

Yes blackcurrent although I didn't realise it was that till now.

[blackcurrants]

I'm not having a pop - like I said, no one judges me for keeping DS's hair short even though it's primarily for his comfort and my convenience, so I don't have to deal with what you have to deal with regarding conventional beauty standards for little girls ... but I thought it was so odd I had to point it out!

You're doing the same thing to her that your own mother did to you, just for different reasons. Your mother wanted you to be practical, comfortable, etc. You want your daughter to be beautiful, happy, feel good about herself, etc.

She's the one who should decide what makes her beautiful, though. Not anyone else. I think 7 is quite old to be 'not allowed' to do something to her hair. Hair grows back, after all.

[InNeedOfBrandy]

Yes I will ask her tomorrow what she wants to do, the only problem would be due to her mix race afro hair it couldn't be a short bob unless it was chemically relaxed/permed/or straightened every day. So its shoulder length how it is (it goes up more then down) or sut right right right off.

[TheSmallClanger]

It's all about listening to her wishes and taking them seriously.

I was never allowed short hair until I was a teenager. I spent my early 20s with a Grace Jones flat-top, despite being a white person with very straight hair. Despite this, and having numerous older men find excuses to "mistake" me for a man*, I had boyfriends and met my DH. It did not turn me into some sort of sexless boychild.

*I know they were doing it on purpose. Half the time, it was in situations where they shouldn't even have needed to talk to me. I am also not much over five foot, with hands and feet like a 9yo's, unmistakable hips and a really high-pitched voice.

**The fact that I needed to add that says all we need to know, really.

[InNeedOfBrandy]

*cut right right off because I'm not about to start putting chemicals on her head or straightening.

[TheSmallClanger]

Oh and Brandy, I see lots of black women with very short hair, and they look great. Forgive me if the terminology here is wrong, but a sort of "shaped" Afro a few inches long, looks lovely.

[blackcurrants]

InNeed I just noseyed into your pics and your daughter is GORGEOUS and will be GORGEOUS whatever she does or doesn't do with her hair. Not that looking gorgeous is what matters most about anyone, but still, she's adorable! :)

[trockodile]

I love seeing the photos of Brad and Angelina's daughter Shiloh-not mad fans of theirs particularly, but they really seem to let her express herself and have her hair/ clothes etc the way that she wants.

[InNeedOfBrandy]

www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150996579548860&set=t.1502260909&type=3&theater

is what she and her hair look like now, pics a bit old. I don't see the point having a shaped afro as it would still have to be combed which she'd still hate. The way I do it now is annoying but not painful just time consuming. I quite like the halle berry short hair but her hair is to frizzy for that. not sure what to do...

[InNeedOfBrandy]

pics on profile a bit old I mean*