I despair- Fellow bridesmaids and MOH have done nothing

[Chitterchatter51]

I am a bridesmaid for my friend, there are 2 other bridesmaids and 1 maid of honour. We have all met before but do not know each other very well at all. Our friend getting married is the only link between us.

Anyway, we were tasked several months ago with planning the hen weekend and we are still no closer to finalising it. Once the bride announced she would like us to plan it, I assumed the MOH would be in touch to get organising. I was a MOH last year and I planned the hen party.
A few weeks went by and didn't hear a peep out of her. So I set up a group whatsapp with the 4 of us and tried to get the ball rolling... nothing. I made suggestions and they would reply saying 'yeah sounds great, she would really like that'. We agreed she would love a long weekend somewhere hot (we already knew this as she had said).

But since then I have put forward everything; potential dates/flights/accomodation/prices to be met with 'yeah sounds great' but nobody else has put any actual suggestions forward. Not a single suggestion.

A couple of weeks ago I found an amazing villa, and put to them the cost along with the flights- they all said it sounded fantastic. In fact we even reserved the villa (free cancellation thank god). So with their approval I set up another group chat with the other ladies the bride would like to invite (10 in total) and put forward the plan there. Almost everyone said it sounded great and would need to check the dates. A week passes and I haven't heard back from anyone. I chase them up last night and almost everyone says it's too expensive- understandable but slightly annoying as everyone has known Bride would like to go abroad and have previously expressed genuine interest in going abroad in the last couple of months.

Then, 1 of my fellow bridesmaids complains that it is too expensive for her- absolutely fine but why on earth didn't she say before? When i suggested the villa? When I went to reserve the villa? When I said I was going to let the other ladies know about it? She was really positive at that point. I had asked what her ideal budget would be previously but she never bothered to reply.


I am about to loose my rag as no one has even bothered to come up with anything along this whole process. Even after saying the original plan isn't in their budget- they haven't bothered to look at alternatives. Last night I was googling cheaper alternatives until 1 in the morning. Maid of Honour has done nothing- although she has messaged me separately to say sorry it's all come down to me, she's never planned a trip abroad with so many people (NEITHER HAVE I!!). I am currently going through a very difficult time, my mother is very unwell and this week I have even been off work with stress. I work full time and have been caring for my mother some evenings and weekends- the other three work part time/don't work at all. People have told me to take a step back, but I honestly believe if I do, my lovely friend won't get any kind of hen party :( HELP!!!

Tonight I am meeting with bride to tell her how I'm feeling. I don't want to 'dob anyone in' but I am really struggling. I am so worried she will be disappointed :(

If you've read this far I salute you, tbh I feel a bit better after just typing my rant out!

[Clionba]

You're off work with stress?
This is absolute nonsense. Just have a meal out or go to a wine bar.

[MercedesDeMonteChristo]

I recently paid £250 to go somewhere in the UK with 12 women I did not know for a hen weekend so UK was bloody expensive. I would have been 100% happier in Barcelona/Prague/Rome etc but instead was in the middle of nowhere.

[NoSquirrels]

Instead of asking people’s budget, give them 3 options with examples of what you could get for those prices. Super cheap, cheap, mid range. Then say - these are the sort of thing we could afford for £150pp/£250pp/£400pp and leave it with them.

Then tell MOH and bride you are extremely sorry you can’t help more right now but you’ve a lot in your plate with your Mum, so you’ll be happy to help again in a couple of months with the finer details.

Leave MOH and bride to it.

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

I would go to the bride and say that you have put hours into it and done your best and there's nothing left for you to try. TBH I don't think you're ever going to get the magic combination of a virtually cost-free trip abroad that doesn't take up any of other people's time.

I would not want to do a hen thing that was more than one night out, but that's a really difficult thing to say without a backlash which is probably why people are agreeing to the principle but finding a reason in the details why they can't.

[ChilliPowderMild]

Yes, I'd bat that ball firmly back into the MOH's court. Put a message on the group chat to the effect that you're going to be very busy over the next few months with family and work issues so have to take a back seat, look forward to hearing details in due course.
Then tell the bride the same thing. Don't even mention anyone else.
If push ever comes to shove, there is clear evidence that you were ready willing and able to step up but nobody was interested.

[annandale]

I think there are far fewer big groups of women that want to spend a weekend together than hen weekends, tbh. I have several friendship groups I travel with but they don't start with four bridesmaids who barely know each other. I would be reluctant to pay more than about £40 for a hen night with strangers.

I would have a conflab with the moh.

What about suggesting an afternoon activity session and dinner at a hotel near to an airport (Birmingham maybe?) for everyone, and leave the weekend away as an add-on option for the moh to organise for the bride and two or three others if they want to go?

[ScrambledSmegs]

Oh, I saw something like this play out with some friends, although it was a stag event. It didn’t end particularly well. Speak to the bride as soon as possible.

[Maybugger]

I'd chuck the whole caboodle back at the MOH, tell everyone it's being organised by her and sit back. That's one of her key roles so leave it to her - I bet she's rubbing her hands together in glee at not having the hassle, cost and headaches!

[Andtheresaw]

so, mid Feb, overseas, cheap, 10 people.
If you go for a villa what will you do? If you are going shorthaul; it won't be warm.
Does the bride have any particular interests you could tap into?

[ifoundthebread]

I don't know where abouts you are located but earlier this year I was moh and given the job of planning a hen do. I discussed and finalised a date with the bride (I know some want others to plan it for them but there is some details they need to agree on) told the bm group the decided date and that bride wanted it abroad, flights villas etc was too much even for myself, so we ended up booking a weekend to Amsterdam. Left dock late Friday afternoon, partied on the boat, had a nice day the Saturday sight seeing/pub hunting and then a chilled out natter with a few glasses of wine on the journey home. Only cost £40 for the whole weekend minus drinks (speak with travel agents and see if can get a discounted group rate) we then decided a pirate fancy dress theme, kept things cheap by ordering props like eye patches, hats and inflatable swords off wish since we had plenty of time to allow delivery.

Alternatively have a firm word with the moh and tell her to do her damn job and take a step back.

[Sparklyfee]

How much was the villa and flights and where was it?
In 6 months time to go somewhere hot you would have to travel far which must be quite expensive and long flights just for a couple of days.

[Louislovesmud]

I feel your pain OP! Why not divide and conquer? Since the MoH seems to be doing nothing, make a list of the things that need sorting:
Accommodation
Travel
Food
Activity
and split that between each of you? Everyone researches a set category and comes back by an agreed date?

Send out a doddle to all the hens for the dates beforehand so the bridesmaids can research with a date in mind, and set a budget that is lower than what was previously suggested.

...and potentially swt the bride's expectations that whilst everyone says they would like to go abroad, it's proving difficult to do so within budget and with little support so it may be a location in the UK but will get lovely nonetheless

[grabbinglife1123]

Then also message the wider bridesmaid group again saying "I don't want to seem a nag but could you please all let me know your budgets as we are struggling to plan anything without them".

[grabbinglife1123]

I would post a message to the bridesmaids group something along the lines of "hi guys, I feel like I've tried really hard to generate ideas and get the ball rolling with this but I'm not getting a lot back from people. I know DBride is getting anxious that nothing has been done yet. Please could you all clarify your budget and research/post some suggestions that you have found. I appreciate that everyone is busy but so am I and I cannot do this alone."

[ShirleyPhallus]

Just tell the bride the MOH hasn’t done anything and it’s all falling to you and you’re too busy / stressed / cba to do it anymore so she needs to crack the whip on them

[StealthPolarBear]

Who has a cake on their hen do?

[honeysucklejasmine]

When I was concerned a hen do wasn't materialising, I told the groom. He sorted it.

[cookiesaurus]

Have you thought about somewhere like Generator Hostel? I know it sounds awful... a hostel... but it's a hostel/hotel - people willing to pay a bit more could have a twin room whereas those looking to lighten the cost could stay in a private dorm.

I've stayed here twice - Barcelona in a hotel room and Copenhagen in a quad end suite room. It's really cheap, has a great happy hour and is usually fairly central. They tend to have a great atmosphere too!

It isn't luxurious but I was pleasantly surprised given how little I paid. Might be worth considering.

Good luck! It can be a mission getting everyone on board!

[SheWoreBlueVelvet]

It won't be hot anywhere cheap in six months time.
However if the bride wants to go away I'd make it happen. Book flights to somewhere cheap with masses of accomodation . Rome, Barcelona and Nice are the best I can think of.
Rome and Barcelona have thousands of inexpensive hotels and Jan / Feb is a great time to go. I can PM you suggestions ( been to lots of places in both cities). Nice has a fab train that will whisk you to Monaco. Some fab AirBNBs there. I can PM you suggestions also.
Once you have your and hers flights others will commit. Might be best if you have less anyway. Then you can tag on hotel rooms as required. Other activities nearer the date.

Then have a big night out in your nearest town for everyone else.

I think you are being a brilliant bridesmaid.

[IndominousRex]

@rivertam why is it odd that none of the bridesmaids know each other? I would have thought that was very common!

[IndieTara]

Hi Op I feel your pain. I planned my best friends Hen Do last year and would never ever do it again! Not for anyone.
It was absolutely horrendous and nowhere near as expensive as yours might be.
Lots of initial enthusiastic responses but when it came down to reserving the date, finding a venue and supplier then trying to get them to pay their share. Silence, for weeks on end. Then one of the party complained to the Bride about a specific person not being invited ( bearing in mind the bride gave me the list of people to invite and this person wasn't on it ) and made it sound like my fault to everybody.
I had to grit my teeth and carry on organising as it was for my best friend
But really never ever again. So so stressful

[GreenandBlueButterfly]

I would just send a final message along these lines: "as you know I've tried unsuccessfully to organise the weekend abroad. It looks like my initial suggestion is above budget. Please send me a suggestion EACH by Friday and we can vote. Unfortunately I'm lost for options so if we don't find one soon, I'm happy to organise just a local meal and let Bride know that's the best we could do"

[stressbucket1]

Is the villa you suggested very expensive? Sounds like they want to go abroad but what you have found so far is out of their budget. I would message again saying that you don't mind sorting it out (considering you are anyway) but the cost is x amount each. If this is not within budget you are happy with someone else taking over the planning or organising something in this country

[craftymum01]

I think OP is getting a bit of a hard time on this one. She isn't insisting in anything, the other people are but aren't contributing. I think having a word with the bride about her expectations would be an idea, then you aren't naming names but making it clear nothing has been sorted as budgets are tight. I agree with what @itsniceitsdifferentitsunusual wrote. I have organised hen dos before and getting answers and money out of people is a nightmare. Go in firmly and start allocating jobs to the others to do to share the load.

[OVienna]

I think the responses to you have been unfair. I feel like you are trying to do your best in a situation that isn't ideal, on behalf of a friend you care about. But I am also the sort of person who would have just said it was too expensive at the time as well.

You are getting NO clarity from these girls and are being expected to use your intuition around what they may or may not want to do. I agree not responding MAY mean they don't want to go. But many of them could be delighted someone else is sorting it all and would be planning to pay in good time, when they get around to it, when it's convenient for THEM.

If it were me I would have just said on the What's App something to the effect of - these are just some thoughts, looking forward to hearing your suggestions etc and backed away from it all. I think the bride needs to step up and I'd be telling her tonight that you think having made the suggestions you need to step back because you dn't want to overstep/offend anyone.