Didn't get to wedding. What should we have done?

[NotHilda]

We've had an email from a friend abroad 5 months after we didn't get to her wedding, telling us (telling my husband - he copied it to me. I was the one who did most of the work, including all the emails, so it's my fault) that she is not just disappointed, but disappointed and hurt. "That is where I'm at now" she says. Because she says we didn't confirm we weren't coming in the days before the wedding, not even 24 hours before.

In fact I kept them up to date all the time with our situation (which I won't go into, it's complex) and the last conversation was a week before the event. I said it was very unlikely we could come. SHE said she had thought so since early January when she learned we didn't have air tickets. She said if we came, we must be on the (guest) bus by 1pm. I said we would, and if anything went wrong we would hire a car. But the whole message was that there was now little chance of this happening, and she (personally, he husband had done most of the emails to date) agreed.

I thought we all understood that there was a vanishingly small chance of our getting there. Now she says I should have "given them a yay or nay" in the week before the wedding, and because I didn't, it was a "logistical nightmare" and they couldn't firm up either the bus or the catering numbers.

They (or rather, her husband, now that I look back) had encouraged us all along the way. There had been no mention of needing confirmation for catering, ever. They never let us know they had a problem, never asked for a decision. (I checked with him about the after-party where hotel rooms were involved. He said that was fine. Again, this was a week before the wedding.)

She says that she would have been disappointed if we had not come, but is far more disappointed and hurt over "what happened".

I just kept on checking for flights as long as I could. I thought I was doing the right thing.

Now this.

I honestly don't know what would be the right thing to do now if I was faced with a similar situation.

Should I have set us a deadline for stopping even trying to get there, regardless of anything they told me?

Or was I right to trust that I was being told the right thing, and they would say if there was any problem?

Normally I am the kind of person who checks everything twice, to the point of being irritating. There was just no cue that we were causing them (her?) a problem.

I feel mentally in limbo about this. I'm losing sleep, and I'm angry and upset too. It would have cost her nothing to say "Please give us a yes or no, we need to know now to firm up the event."

Better stop there! Sorry about the length.

[NotHilda]

Rookiemater has it right about the bride and the groom, I think. He does give a lead and maybe that is why she wasn't more definite with us. (Being upset later is actually something you can't really help. I do accept that.)

Various people have suggested that we never intended to go. This is wrong, and the £4k+ was budgeted. If we hadn't intended to go, we would not have gone to this amount of trouble. Seriously. If you are going to the other side of the world, where you have never been before, and making all your own accommodation and travel arrangements, there are questions. They were good and did a document for everyone which was really helpful, but other questions have to arise. I am sure we were not the only ones that they had to help with answers.

Wibblypig I have no argument with that, but the cattle class prices went up out of our range - but when that happens now and then you get some seats coming up in the "normal" range for the time of year, and this did in fact happen, once, but for the wrong date. That is why I went to an agent instead of just trying to do the booking myself as I normally do. Also as I said, I thought we were being encouraged. I really did. Now that turns out to have been wrong and a problem. But we really thought that we were being encouraged.

I don't think any of their friends from the UK went, in the end, only family. That should tell me something.

No, I don't think giving someone with booking problems the word that you have to fix numbers now is "uninviting" them. It would have been better than what came after. Yes I got married nearly 40 years ago and we did some of it ourselves, and had part of it catered. If a whole bunch of people either tried to come at the last minute, or failed to come at the last minute, that would have been really annoying, but two or three would not have been a problem. I am not trying to avoid blame by saying that, but that is my personal experience.

Apologising is going to be the first thing that happens, honestly, she will not get the 3-page email from me unless she wants it, which I don't think she does.

[rookiemater]

I think the fact that no other friends from the UK went means they may have placed more importance on your presence there than they would have otherwise.

Perhaps she is now upset that when she looks at the photos that there were so few people there and is looking for a target to be upset at - therefore blaming you for your lack of confirmation - perhaps also the DH didn't pick up on the fact you weren't likely to be there and was assuring her that you would be.

Having given this a bit of thought, I'd maybe be a bit more expansive in my response:

Dear X,
I was so sorry to have received your email.

We genuinely wanted to be at your wedding and until the very last minute we thought this was going to be possible. You're absolutely right we should have let you know as soon as the final decision was made, and I apologize for not doing that.

I have seen the photos (if you have) and it looks like a wonderful wedding, you looked gorgeous in your dress ( even if she didn't). I hope married life is treating you well.

Yours truly Nothilda

Yes perhaps it's too nice under the circumstances, but people sometimes do things in the heat of the moment that they regret - it gives her a good opportunity to pull back from the situation and be gracious about it.If she sends a nasty response back or snubs you then I'd try to draw a line under the friendship.

I know these things can knock you for six.

We went away with a group of friends last year one of which had recently separated from her DH. I thought we had a great time, but then when I got back I got an email accusing me of stuff I hadn't done and saying she felt like a spare part. I was really upset for quite a while and it's put me off making new friendships, but I simply responded that I was sorry that she felt that way and it was not my intention as I regarded her as a good friend. turned out her ex DH announced he was getting married to the OW and that's what had made her over sensitive and she took it out on me. We're polite now, but I can't see the friendship ever being what it was.

Hope it goes well.

[NotHilda]

Thanks so much for your efforts. Yes, he did know everything she knew, but he definitely is more easy going than she is. She is rather like me [sort of sad smiley] but you know how people who are rather alike can fall apart without warning over the bits where they aren't alike, because they don't see them coming.

The communication she gets will be a nice one, I am not going to start on "why oh why" having had time to think about it thanks to advice I have had here.

I am also seeing more clearly that you can't "deadline" people to an event like a wedding. I'm just not used to that kind of event. There are corollaries to that which I would accept if I were in her position, but I am not going into that. You cannot actually help if you feel really hurt.

I am sorry for your bad experience with the friend. Something similar happened to my MIL many years ago after they encourages her to go away with them, and that relationship lapsed after while. Which is a pity, because they probably need it now.

I do think there is slightly more to this than meets the eye; whether it is what you suggest I will probably never know. Now - we just try and mend fences.

Myself and DH are both drafting replies and will check each other out and try and do the right thing.

Thanks again.

[Thumbwitch]

NotHilda - I suspect that if indeed none of the UK friends went then you would not be the only ones who got that email, or similar!
And I would also say again, that it might have corresponded with them getting their wedding album back from the photographer (it can take a while, if we're talking about Australia, which seems probable) and realising again how few people were there, when they'd invited so many more.

In all honesty I am always a) amazed and b) impressed with people who do make the effort to go halfway round the world for a wedding. It's a phenomenal thing to do for someone, and the B&G sometimes don't realise how much they're asking of their F&F.

[NotHilda]

Thank you Thumbwitch. I think you are right about the wedding album, as the events were quite close. I do think a lot of people said no early ... but I also think we were the "last ones left standing" in a series of events that we couldn't altogether see. But I did make mistakes, too.

I accept that. The replies have gone off, no response yet. Now I am going to leave this thread forever having made note of what people have told me, and try and deal properly with whatever emerges.

Thank you all, good lives, and goodbye.