Didn't get to wedding. What should we have done?

[NotHilda]

We've had an email from a friend abroad 5 months after we didn't get to her wedding, telling us (telling my husband - he copied it to me. I was the one who did most of the work, including all the emails, so it's my fault) that she is not just disappointed, but disappointed and hurt. "That is where I'm at now" she says. Because she says we didn't confirm we weren't coming in the days before the wedding, not even 24 hours before.

In fact I kept them up to date all the time with our situation (which I won't go into, it's complex) and the last conversation was a week before the event. I said it was very unlikely we could come. SHE said she had thought so since early January when she learned we didn't have air tickets. She said if we came, we must be on the (guest) bus by 1pm. I said we would, and if anything went wrong we would hire a car. But the whole message was that there was now little chance of this happening, and she (personally, he husband had done most of the emails to date) agreed.

I thought we all understood that there was a vanishingly small chance of our getting there. Now she says I should have "given them a yay or nay" in the week before the wedding, and because I didn't, it was a "logistical nightmare" and they couldn't firm up either the bus or the catering numbers.

They (or rather, her husband, now that I look back) had encouraged us all along the way. There had been no mention of needing confirmation for catering, ever. They never let us know they had a problem, never asked for a decision. (I checked with him about the after-party where hotel rooms were involved. He said that was fine. Again, this was a week before the wedding.)

She says that she would have been disappointed if we had not come, but is far more disappointed and hurt over "what happened".

I just kept on checking for flights as long as I could. I thought I was doing the right thing.

Now this.

I honestly don't know what would be the right thing to do now if I was faced with a similar situation.

Should I have set us a deadline for stopping even trying to get there, regardless of anything they told me?

Or was I right to trust that I was being told the right thing, and they would say if there was any problem?

Normally I am the kind of person who checks everything twice, to the point of being irritating. There was just no cue that we were causing them (her?) a problem.

I feel mentally in limbo about this. I'm losing sleep, and I'm angry and upset too. It would have cost her nothing to say "Please give us a yes or no, we need to know now to firm up the event."

Better stop there! Sorry about the length.

[NotHilda]

Thank you Thumbwitch. I think you are right about the wedding album, as the events were quite close. I do think a lot of people said no early ... but I also think we were the "last ones left standing" in a series of events that we couldn't altogether see. But I did make mistakes, too.

I accept that. The replies have gone off, no response yet. Now I am going to leave this thread forever having made note of what people have told me, and try and deal properly with whatever emerges.

Thank you all, good lives, and goodbye.

[Thumbwitch]

NotHilda - I suspect that if indeed none of the UK friends went then you would not be the only ones who got that email, or similar!
And I would also say again, that it might have corresponded with them getting their wedding album back from the photographer (it can take a while, if we're talking about Australia, which seems probable) and realising again how few people were there, when they'd invited so many more.

In all honesty I am always a) amazed and b) impressed with people who do make the effort to go halfway round the world for a wedding. It's a phenomenal thing to do for someone, and the B&G sometimes don't realise how much they're asking of their F&F.

[NotHilda]

Thanks so much for your efforts. Yes, he did know everything she knew, but he definitely is more easy going than she is. She is rather like me [sort of sad smiley] but you know how people who are rather alike can fall apart without warning over the bits where they aren't alike, because they don't see them coming.

The communication she gets will be a nice one, I am not going to start on "why oh why" having had time to think about it thanks to advice I have had here.

I am also seeing more clearly that you can't "deadline" people to an event like a wedding. I'm just not used to that kind of event. There are corollaries to that which I would accept if I were in her position, but I am not going into that. You cannot actually help if you feel really hurt.

I am sorry for your bad experience with the friend. Something similar happened to my MIL many years ago after they encourages her to go away with them, and that relationship lapsed after while. Which is a pity, because they probably need it now.

I do think there is slightly more to this than meets the eye; whether it is what you suggest I will probably never know. Now - we just try and mend fences.

Myself and DH are both drafting replies and will check each other out and try and do the right thing.

Thanks again.

[rookiemater]

I think the fact that no other friends from the UK went means they may have placed more importance on your presence there than they would have otherwise.

Perhaps she is now upset that when she looks at the photos that there were so few people there and is looking for a target to be upset at - therefore blaming you for your lack of confirmation - perhaps also the DH didn't pick up on the fact you weren't likely to be there and was assuring her that you would be.

Having given this a bit of thought, I'd maybe be a bit more expansive in my response:

Dear X,
I was so sorry to have received your email.

We genuinely wanted to be at your wedding and until the very last minute we thought this was going to be possible. You're absolutely right we should have let you know as soon as the final decision was made, and I apologize for not doing that.

I have seen the photos (if you have) and it looks like a wonderful wedding, you looked gorgeous in your dress ( even if she didn't). I hope married life is treating you well.

Yours truly Nothilda

Yes perhaps it's too nice under the circumstances, but people sometimes do things in the heat of the moment that they regret - it gives her a good opportunity to pull back from the situation and be gracious about it.If she sends a nasty response back or snubs you then I'd try to draw a line under the friendship.

I know these things can knock you for six.

We went away with a group of friends last year one of which had recently separated from her DH. I thought we had a great time, but then when I got back I got an email accusing me of stuff I hadn't done and saying she felt like a spare part. I was really upset for quite a while and it's put me off making new friendships, but I simply responded that I was sorry that she felt that way and it was not my intention as I regarded her as a good friend. turned out her ex DH announced he was getting married to the OW and that's what had made her over sensitive and she took it out on me. We're polite now, but I can't see the friendship ever being what it was.

Hope it goes well.

[NotHilda]

Rookiemater has it right about the bride and the groom, I think. He does give a lead and maybe that is why she wasn't more definite with us. (Being upset later is actually something you can't really help. I do accept that.)

Various people have suggested that we never intended to go. This is wrong, and the £4k+ was budgeted. If we hadn't intended to go, we would not have gone to this amount of trouble. Seriously. If you are going to the other side of the world, where you have never been before, and making all your own accommodation and travel arrangements, there are questions. They were good and did a document for everyone which was really helpful, but other questions have to arise. I am sure we were not the only ones that they had to help with answers.

Wibblypig I have no argument with that, but the cattle class prices went up out of our range - but when that happens now and then you get some seats coming up in the "normal" range for the time of year, and this did in fact happen, once, but for the wrong date. That is why I went to an agent instead of just trying to do the booking myself as I normally do. Also as I said, I thought we were being encouraged. I really did. Now that turns out to have been wrong and a problem. But we really thought that we were being encouraged.

I don't think any of their friends from the UK went, in the end, only family. That should tell me something.

No, I don't think giving someone with booking problems the word that you have to fix numbers now is "uninviting" them. It would have been better than what came after. Yes I got married nearly 40 years ago and we did some of it ourselves, and had part of it catered. If a whole bunch of people either tried to come at the last minute, or failed to come at the last minute, that would have been really annoying, but two or three would not have been a problem. I am not trying to avoid blame by saying that, but that is my personal experience.

Apologising is going to be the first thing that happens, honestly, she will not get the 3-page email from me unless she wants it, which I don't think she does.

[LIZS]

It seems a bit odd to get into emails about buses and cars if you didn't have the plane tickets booked. Yes that should have registered alarm bells that you were still expected, at which point you could have set them straight.

[pebblyshit]

You should've just told her no. Expecting her to give you a cut off date is expecting her to uninvite you, which is rude and massively awkward for her. It's not rocket science to work out that the flights weren't suddenly going to drop through the floor at the last minute at the hight of the tourist season.

[tak1ngchances]

I would write back and say you are terribly sorry and it was thoughtless of you, you should have made a definite decision sooner and let her know.
Tell her you were gutted to miss it and it looked amazing.

[ChickenFajitasAndNachos]

It seems a bit odd to get into emails about buses and cars if you didn't have the plane tickets booked.

[rookiemater]

It sounds like you were perhaps communicating with the wrong person. Her groom may have been of the "yeah no problem" school of thought, but as it turns out she wasn't.

I agree with BristolRover - getting to the point of regular communication about your attendance or not was a chore that the couple didn't need. You say in your OP that you thought it would have been clear a week before the wedding that it was unlikely that you would come - well perhaps to you, perhaps not so much to the couple planning the wedding and trying to organise for all the guests.

I see what you are saying about the flight costs. You must have had a cut off point in your own head when you stopped looking at flights and at that point you should have let them know you were unable to come and apologised that you were leaving it so late in the day to let them know.

I would email her back and say a genuine sorry to her. Yes she might be being OTT because her DH was so casual, but now is not the time to add in your if's and buts. A short response saying that you now realise you should have emailed when you definitely knew you weren't coming and apologise for the inconvenience caused. I'd end on a happy note saying that the photos look great and you hope they are enjoying married life.

[Wibblypiglikesbananas]

If!

[Wibblypiglikesbananas]

There is never a situation with no flights - just flights that are too expensive. £2000 cattle class - maybe last minute to Aus but not if you book in advance! I used to work in airline revenue management, so I do know what I'm talking about. And I don't know why you'd attempt to book somewhere like this last minute unless for medical reasons - which one of your posts alludes to. Hard to say really without more details.
It sounds to me - from their point of view - as though you were never really going to get there. But you seem to be saying that this was a realistic option. Was it really? Honestly and truly? Saying flight prices didn't drop at the last minute was a factor sounds completely spurious as this rarely happens on prime routes. Sorry of that's off the mark but just my take.

[Ragwort]

Why is she bringing this up 5 months later?

I agree with others you should have simply said 'no' in the first place but I can imagine the scene when someone is encouraging you to come and you say you will look for cheaper flights etc etc and perhaps there is a bit of misunderstanding on both sides.

But seriously, why bring it up now?

[mrsbucketxx]

op are you married yourself? if you are you probably know the nightmare that organizing a wedding actually is,

if you couldn't make it you should have said so not string her along allowing to probably add extra catering and hotel etc.

as for the delay as you don't talk as often as you should this probably explains it.

wishy washy non committal people drive me round the bend your not gioing to offend if you just say no

[BristolRover]

regardless of it being five months later or not, you didn't half make a meal out of a simple invitation. I find it profoundly irritating when an invitation leads to an unholy amount of correspondence about someone else's arrangements - say yes or no, then sort out the practicalities yourself! anything beyond yes / no is not the host's problem especially when it's for a wedding where scores of others are invitied and there are significant other arrangements to handle. You behaved like rather a princess over your arrangements, didn't give them a firm answer when it seems crystal clear you never intended to fork out £4k to go and then have barely apologised for messing about / been in touch to ask her about the wedding.
You probably realise you owed her an apology in the first place and that's probably why you're "losing sleep" over this now. Grovel or accept the friendship is past.

[Itsfab]

Why are you going on about how THEY should have asked for a cut off point? Are you not a grown up? Surely you are aware that there comes a point when final numbers need to be given otherwise costs will be incurred even if the guests don't come? You should have been a lot clearer and not left it until the last minute.

[m0therofdragons]

Have you spoken in the last 5 months? Also, did you ever actually reply saying sorry we didn't manage to get flights but we hope you had a lovely day etc? Maybe it's the lack of conversation after that's tipped it on their side?
I do think that as soon as it was clear you couldn't make it you should have sent a heart felt email!

[Rosa]

Its 5 months later FGS.... I would say so sorry that I inconvenienced you it was not intentional in any way whatso ever." Hope you and X are well and happy together . Stop..... Don't loose sleep - nothing you can do about it now its passed....

[LIZS]

I agree you should have been more definite about whether you would go or not, especially a week or two before when others had confirmed their flights. It is basic good manners and selfish otherwise.

How good friends are you? You could respond that you are sorry she feels disappointed and hurt, on reflection you were unfair to not be clear but at the time you thought they understood the situation. Apologise for the misunderstanding and upset this caused.

If it was a small affair I can understand why your absence was noticed and the cost implications of allowing for seats and catering which went unused. What do you mean by sending a tribute ?

[FreeButtonBee]

I can see if it was an amazingly good friend and it was really far away that I might keep plugging away within the constraints of my budget until the last minute. But I agree that a final "No can do" would probably have been sensible if even just to asy that you're gutted, really wanted to be there and can't wait to see all the photots etc etc.

[SquallyShowers]

I've never heard of anyone rsvp-ing to a wedding saying 'maybe'. You should have just said yay/nay.

However, she is being pathetic to feel hurt about this months later.

[mumtosome61]

I know it's pedantic, but saying it's "unlikely" you will come and "don't think we will be coming" isn't the same as "Sorry, no, we can't come". To me, if someone had arranged alternative readers etc, I would take that as a definitive, but to others (like your friend), rightly or wrongly, it may not be the same - she may have been making a Plan B. That said, I'm pretty definitive when declining or accepting events and would expect a similar level from my friends.

It sounds as if (being a provisional reader) you two were close, and perhaps she did have unrealistic ideas of you all being able to attend. I suppose she could have asked outright for a decision bearing in mind the catering etc, but has been said, weddings (particularly weddings with abroad guests) is a frantic time.

Sorry if this has already been mentioned, but have you spoken since? 5 months after a wedding is a long time to bring up an issue, even more so if you've been chatting since then with no hint of a problem.

If you wanted to carry on with the friendship, I'd suggest laying out to her what you've put here - accept that perhaps you could have made a more definitive decision and maybe it wasn't handled the best, but that it was a misunderstanding. If she chooses to carry on making you feel bad, it's your call - you shouldn't have to go too much further to show you are sorry, and if she's deeply hurt you could be so insensitive then perhaps you two are singing off different hymn sheets in personality.

[NotHilda]

I think that Thumbwitch and Everything Counts have nailed it here. We really thought that everyone knew the exact situation, but if I had just emailed again on the Sunday with those words, "Sorry guys, confirming no flights, we just cannot come." that would have possibly solved everything.

I know it sounds stupid now, but I really thought that everyone knew the situation. We'd discussed it in detail. She told us she realised that we wouldn't get here, before we realised it. She really knew better than us. I should have taken the hint. (She'd already changed the readers two weeks earlier in the belief that we would not make it.)

I would have felt stupid doing this at the time, because it would be like saying it again. I would have felt monstrously stupid doing it the day before. Yet this is what I should have done - on the Sunday.

No, we didn't string them along. We don't do that. We told them exactly what was happening. No, there wasn't the slightest chance that we would "do a big surprise turn-up", and I can't believe that they thought we would.

I wonder now if they were not giving us a deadline "out of politeness", but that week beforehand, she said she didn't think we were coming, and I said we didn't think we were coming. And I really thought it had been left that if anything turned up, we would contact them. But not in any way just to turn up and dump on them. Or string them along if I had no intention of going. I'm sorry but whatever my failings I do not do that kind of thing. (I have had it done to me in the past, so I do know that it can happen.)

Yes I have been to one or two weddings before. I also help organise small events size sometimes. There is always a bit of flex for a small number of people (not advertised, of course). I didn't think in those terms, but I must have made the assumption that if it hadn't been mentioned, it wasn't a problem.

Thank you to everyone. Even the ones who have been telling me off have given me valuable food for thought. I hope we will be able to apologize and make good with our friends.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

Did you not even do a final 'no' the day before when it was clear you weren't going?

To be honest it doesn't really sound like you had any intention og going due to price etc which is fine but as others have said you should have politely declined.

[JodieGarberJacob]

Assuming you apologised at the time when you realised you weren't going to make it and have spoken since it does seem a bit out of the blue. But as it's bothering her you can only apologise again. It's a big thing to her but not to you so hopefully nothing that an apology can't fix.