Report sender of inappropriate messages to the police?

[HelpMeHelpMyDaughterPlease]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

Not sure if this is the best place to post this. I want reasonable traffic but nervous of responses. I'm also not really sure I should be posting it. I'm just a bit shocked.

DD is 12 and in year 7. She's a great kid at heart. Caring, warm and everything you want a daughter to be. She is also, as I think is normal, a bit of a nightmare. Lazy, doesn't like to do things she doesn't want to, doesn't always like us and thinks she knows best. She can be stressful. She has a fire in her that I don't want to reduce but makes it hard to handle.

She has a phone and one of the conditions of this phone is that she allows me to check it whenever I wish. I used to do this in the morning when she was asleep. I never saw anything untoward. I backed off checking so often. A few times there has been an argument or someone she doesn't know has messaged her and she does respond. We have had conversations that she should not respond. They are probably not who they say they are and will not be messaging her with good intentions.

I checked today and a conversation from December is back at the top. This is because she was with her friends and will have been messaging this person for a giggle with her friends as none of them understand the danger. The messages in December are essentially a gay porn romance novel. He describes himself as a 16 year old gay or bisexual person but states he has no interest in girls. I think she thinks she is safe because of this and continued to message. He talks about losing his virginity in school to a boy and the bullying received after. It's extremely graphic. She responds to each message solely with "ok" and eventually with "how does that make you feel?" When he talks about bullying as a result.

I believe she thinks she is helping him go through a difficult time. As a pessimistic adult, I believe he is sexually excited by sending her these messages.

I will be talking to her tonight about it. She isn't in trouble. The only thing she has done wrong is to continue the conversation and not tell me about it. She is only 12 so I obv haven't done enough teaching her how disgusting the world can be. Obviously, she also shouldn't have messaged him with her friends.

So, to my point... would you report the profile to the police? I think I should. I'm also after advice on what I should or shouldn't say. I'm good in a crisis and generally do much better with stuff like this than telling her she can't have a sleepover or she has to do her homework but this could affect our relationship if I fuck it up. She has to be able to tell me when bad stuff happens.

Please be gentle.

[LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand]

Report it. You have no idea who this person actually is, not does your daughter.

[Flatleak]

How has he gotten her phone number? She's too young for any social media apps so assume this is whatsap? Is he someone from school?

[GrannyNannyMagratandGreebo]

Definitely report it.

[BodyKeepingScore]

I would report it. You've no way of knowing whether this is an adult communicating with her or not. It also doesn't sound like your DD is mature enough to have unfettered access to a smartphone and messaging apps so I'd be rescinding access until she's old enough to be aware of safety measures. No 12 year old child should be receiving sexually explicit messages. On the off chance that this person really is 16 they're still presenting a risk to your DD. No 16 year old I've ever met would have such a conversation with a 12 year old child.

[BodyKeepingScore]

Also, how did they get her number? I'd be concerned about what she's doing online if she's giving strangers her number?

[Devilsmommy]

I'd definitely report because no 16 year old boy should be discussing that kind of stuff with a 12 year old girl. You need to really make the point that the person saying they are gay does not mean they're safe at all. At that age I was indecently assaulted by a 17yo boy who was gay, so please get it through to your daughter that what she's doing is not safe at all. Good luck

[HelpMeHelpMyDaughterPlease]

No idea how he has got her contact details. I think it's just random. WhatsApp is also now 16+. It's Snapchat which I have no problem with her using to contact her friends but will now see if there's a setting to avoid randoms contacting her as I see now she doesn't automatically block them as expected. It's a complete stranger and I've no doubt he is not 16. He sent a picture of his face early on. If it is him rather than a stolen picture, he does look young but not 16.

Her dad has spoken to her while I'm at work. I'll have a chat with her properly but we spoke on FaceTime as she was scared she would be in trouble with the police or they think she is in the wrong and I told her this isn't the case. Bless her, she said exactly what I thought - that she thought he needed someone to speak to through a difficult time. She understands now that this will have been a method he uses and probably on other people too.

I'll be calling the police on my way home from work in around an hour.

[HelpMeHelpMyDaughterPlease]

P.s thank you for taking the time to respond

[AnnetteKurtan]

Report it - but don’t expect much from it either. The police were absolutely shocking dealing with explicit images my daughter was sent.

Having had that deep dive , I would never ever allow my daughter a Snapchat account. She doesn’t want one either. There is no 100% protection there, no matter how much you think you can monitor.

[TheSmallAssassin]

Even if it were all true, I think it's worth pointing out how inappropriate it would be for anyone to expect a 12 year old to emotionally support someone older than them.

We often feel a pressure as girls and women to "be kind" - it's worth teaching her that this is not a reasonable thing for this "boy" to be asking from her, if it actually were true, he should be finding adults in his life to confide in.

[HelpMeHelpMyDaughterPlease]

Yes! @TheSmallAssassin that is exactly what I've said! She does not have to put her self in that type of situation to help others. There will be someone more appropriate than her to talk to. There will be a big talk about manipulation by men later too.

Sorry you and your daughter went through that @AnnetteKurtan and I'm sorry for the police response. I did umm and arrr for a long time about Snapchat and we had a really long chat about the seriousness of these types of communication which is why I'm so annoyed.

[HelpMeHelpMyDaughterPlease]

I've spoken to someone within the police and it will be reviewed by a sergeant but essentially no further action. I expressed my concerns about finding them to ensure no further harm and have been told to refer to action fraud. I personally don't like action fraud as I got scammed out of a large sum of money along with 6 or so people in a weekend and they said it wasn't worth their time even though they had his details. Hopefully they spend more time on this type of crime.