He's dead so why is my partner so angry

[ThisIsMyNameOkay]

I need to cut this down because it would just go on and on.

My best friend passed away 7 years ago. I still Facebook message his page. Just silly little things. Life quote, photos, saying how much I miss him. The whole context of chatting with him is because I don't have to give context. I don't have to think about how I phrase things or what I say, I just send them. I miss him and I wish he was still alive.

My partner decided to read through all the messages. Going back years and years here and is now incredibly angry with me because years ago I called my friend my soulmate. I explained to him I never was with my friend in that way and I never would have. I just meant our sounds were connected. My partner then said about me saying 'I miss him, I feel like I've lost out' and how this means that I'm unhappy with my life now and I'm unhappy with my partner. This again was so long ago it has nothing to do with my life now. I've reassured as much as I can. Honestly. I can reassure till I'm blue in the face. I have explained to him that my friend is dead. He won't read these and if by some amazing miracle he does then I don't need to give context, he will know what I'm talking about. He will see everything. But my partner doesn't get that. I've tried to explain that when we speak to people who are alive we need to think of context and explanation and understanding but when there is literally no recipient I don't have to so it's freeing because I don't have to explain myself and then in hindsight I'm quite hurt that my partner has gone through all of this. I can understand interest. I can understand that little thought in your head to look and I've made sure I have no password to make that possible but holding me in his bad books for speak to my dead friend and making me have to explain every damn message for the last seven years has really rubbed me the wrong way. AIBU?

[PoppingTomorrow]

I can understand why your partner finds it hurtful to hear that you think another man was your soul mate, especially one that you are actively communicating with (even if the recipient is dead).

He is occupying emotional energy and there's an implication that he's filling a gap left by your OH.

[Bumblebeeinatree]

Missing a long dead friend that much and still talking to him implies a really strong connection. I can understand your DP being upset that you seem to value this long gone friend more than him, and confide in this friend rather than your DP. The fact that he's dead doesn't soften the blow much.

[ComtesseDeSpair]

Were you with your partner when your friend was alive? If so, then it probably is fairly hurtful to find out that for years when he probably believed he was your “soulmate”, whatever that means, you were telling somebody else that they were, and that’s continued. Would you like him doing it to another woman? It’s also probably pretty embarrassing for him to know that other people have been reading all your FB posts, knowing that you’re in a relationship, and thinking how odd it is.

[SapphireOpal]

@PoppingTomorrow

I can understand why your partner finds it hurtful to hear that you think another man was your soul mate, especially one that you are actively communicating with (even if the recipient is dead).

He is occupying emotional energy and there's an implication that he's filling a gap left by your OH.

I agree with this.

Come on OP, if your partner had a female best friend who'd passed away and you found out he'd been messaging her saying these sorts of things, would you not feel a bit unsettled? "Soulmate" is a weird thing to say to someone you were only platonic with. Is your partner your "soulmate"?

[Serencwtch]

I can see where both of you are coming from but I would be very uncomfortable with that too. Why are you not able to say these things to your partner?

It is strange to be messaging a Facebook page of someone who has passed away that long ago. Is it better to keep a journal/diary where you can record your private thoughts that way.

[ivs]

Yes - it is unsettling for him

But is no one going to mention the MASSIVE breach of trust? None of these messages were meant to be read, OP has possibly romantisied her friend who is sadly dead, and cant make any mistakes now

[JamesPringle]

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who considered someone else their soulmate.

[ivs]

@Serencwtch

I can see where both of you are coming from but I would be very uncomfortable with that too. Why are you not able to say these things to your partner?

It is strange to be messaging a Facebook page of someone who has passed away that long ago. Is it better to keep a journal/diary where you can record your private thoughts that way.

I think thats what the OP is doing, she knows he is gone, she's writing out her feelings like people do in diaries

[BaconCozzers]

What's the timeline here op? How long have you been with your partner? Did he know your friend?

[cheddercherry]

I think it’s hard because your friend will always be on that pedestal, that’s the thing with lost loved ones - they can’t make more mistakes.

It’s like when new partners feel they can’t live up to dead partners, your husband probably feels he can’t compete with someone you will always feel this strongly about. Your husband could live decades longer and you could slowly fall out of love with him and he’ll make mistakes and annoy you but your friend is frozen in time; he can’t hurt you or disappoint you or irritate you. He’s perfect and untouchable and so how do you match up to a soulmate like that?

I don’t think your husband was right to read your messages, but I’m also not surprised he’s hurt by what you’ve said. I think it my husband pined for a soulmate who had passed away I’d be looking at our life together thinking will he always resent this, will I ever be enough?

[ThisIsMyNameOkay]

@JamesPringle

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who considered someone else their soulmate.

This was sent way before I met my partner. I sent that 5 years ago and my partner and I have been together 2 years.

Yes it's a long time to still be talking to my deceased friend but he was like my brother. Like family, hence why I felt connected. He has bone cancer all his life. Finally managed to get into remission for one darn year and then a brain tumour just took him within months. I still havent healed from that

[WhingeInTheWillows]

I think it’s weird that he’s bothered by it. To me it’s a form of talking to yourself, thinking things over, remembering your friend. Would your partner be bothered if it was a female?

[ThisIsMyNameOkay]

@BaconCozzers

What's the timeline here op? How long have you been with your partner? Did he know your friend?

I've been with my partner for 2 years. My best friend died in 2017. The soulmate message was 5 years ago. My best friend has an awful life of fighting cancer till he was 30. Then managed to actually be on the better end of it and then BAM brain tumour and he was taken within months. I still haven't healed from it and I can reassure my partner constantly (I hardly message my best friend since being with my partner anyway and anytime I have it's just an 'I miss you! Hope you're dancing up there' just because he used to say to me he will be forgotten and I've made that promise to him. If people think I'm disrespectful when I genuinely have never ever said anything against my partner then I don't know how to understand. All I do is say I miss you 😭

[CheeryPye]

@ThisIsMyNameOkay

This was sent way before I met my partner. I sent that 5 years ago and my partner and I have been together 2 years.

Yes it's a long time to still be talking to my deceased friend but he was like my brother. Like family, hence why I felt connected. He has bone cancer all his life. Finally managed to get into remission for one darn year and then a brain tumour just took him within months. I still havent healed from that

And have you ever told your partner he is your soul mate? I suspect not.

[ThisIsMyNameOkay]

@WhingeInTheWillows

I think it’s weird that he’s bothered by it. To me it’s a form of talking to yourself, thinking things over, remembering your friend. Would your partner be bothered if it was a female?

Thank you! You're the only person who can kindve see where im coming from so thank you. I only ever message him saying I miss him and I hope he's dancing up there. I never write anything that shows any more emotion because I didn't love him in any other way then like a brother. He was taken too suddenly and I wish it didn't happen

[ThisIsMyNameOkay]

@CheeryPye yes I have. On multiple occasions. Wait so you genuinely think it would be okay for your partner now to be angry at something you said 3 years prior to meeting them?

[mewkins]

Your dp had no right to read your messages or be angry at what you're writing. You're still processing your friend's death. It has nothing to do with your (jealous) partner.

[pasturesgreen]

I honestly don't know who's BU here. It's obvious you're still hurting from the loss of your friend, but also I know I'd feel uneasy if I were your partner.

It does seem like an unusual level of attachment after what's a relatively long time. I'd look into counselling to try and help you move on. It can't be healthy when your connection with your dead friend, as much as you cherished him in his lifetime, is impacting on your actual real-life relationship.

[Wishimaywishimight]

I think 'soulmate' is assumed to be a romantic notion but in my view it is not necessarily so.

OP, I can totally sympathise. My best and oldest friend of more than 30 years passed away very suddenly a few years ago. I was utterly devastated and miss him still every single day.

In my situation, my friend was gay so perhaps that influenced my DH's view of the friendship in that he knew of course that there was never any romantic intent on either side. DH is completely understanding and sympathetic to my loss. He himself sometimes says "oh, X would really love that" or "I know what X would say to that or "you really need X here to enjoy this". He knew we had a wonderful bond, a shared humour that not everyone gets and he knows I still miss my friend. It helps that DH was very fond of my friend also, he came to stay with us from time to time, all 3 of us went to dinner etc.

I love and adore my DH, there is absolutely nothing missing from our relationship. I didn't need my friend's friendship but I did enjoy it and felt privileged that such an amazing person chose me as his best friend - he was a really special person.

OP, I think you are doing nothing wrong in 'speaking' to your friend in whatever way helps you. For me, I got a notebook and I wrote in it from time to time (a diary I suppose) as though I were speaking to my friend. I told DH when I got it what the reason for it was an he thought it was a good idea, that I could say things 'to' my friend in a way that helped me.

In summary, I think your DH is being unkind and unfair. Grief is so hard, I think it is ok for you to deal with it in the way that best helps soothe your mind.

[LenaLamont]

You’ve already filled the space of Most Important Person in your heart and you’re stoking it five years after his death rather than making peace with the loss. It’s an emotional affair with the ultimate unattainable person.

The poor man is competing with a ghost; he can only lose.

[SwingTheMonkey]

At first I thought you were being unreasonable. But it was prior to meeting your oh, by quite considerable time. He sounds incredibly insecure. On a separate note, have you had bereavement counselling for your loss? It sounds like you’re still dealing with things and might be helpful to talk them through.

[MsLuxLisbon]

I think your partner is BU. Is he often jealous and possessive? I am so sorry for the loss of your friend, that is tough.

[ringoffiire]

Well you are using the word 'soulmate' in relation to someone who isn't your partner. It's not all that surprising that your partner is upset about that.

Surely that doesn't need to be explained to you.

It's not about whether he is alive or that you might actually act on that. It's about the emotional energy coming from you calling another man your 'soulmate'.

If he used that word about another woman would you not mind?

[jannier]

Can other people read the posts or is it a private message?
It's pretty odd you still need to do this have you had grief counselling? Do you think if your friend hadn't been ill you would have had a different relationship?
It's not right you bf is reading your FB

[ThisIsMyNameOkay]

@Wishimaywishimight

I think 'soulmate' is assumed to be a romantic notion but in my view it is not necessarily so.

OP, I can totally sympathise. My best and oldest friend of more than 30 years passed away very suddenly a few years ago. I was utterly devastated and miss him still every single day.

In my situation, my friend was gay so perhaps that influenced my DH's view of the friendship in that he knew of course that there was never any romantic intent on either side. DH is completely understanding and sympathetic to my loss. He himself sometimes says "oh, X would really love that" or "I know what X would say to that or "you really need X here to enjoy this". He knew we had a wonderful bond, a shared humour that not everyone gets and he knows I still miss my friend. It helps that DH was very fond of my friend also, he came to stay with us from time to time, all 3 of us went to dinner etc.

I love and adore my DH, there is absolutely nothing missing from our relationship. I didn't need my friend's friendship but I did enjoy it and felt privileged that such an amazing person chose me as his best friend - he was a really special person.

OP, I think you are doing nothing wrong in 'speaking' to your friend in whatever way helps you. For me, I got a notebook and I wrote in it from time to time (a diary I suppose) as though I were speaking to my friend. I told DH when I got it what the reason for it was an he thought it was a good idea, that I could say things 'to' my friend in a way that helped me.

In summary, I think your DH is being unkind and unfair. Grief is so hard, I think it is ok for you to deal with it in the way that best helps soothe your mind.

I am so incredibly sorry you lost someone so special and you have gone through such pain. I cannot thank you enough for your empathetic view on this and helping me realise why I am feeling the way I am. Your DH sounds just as wonderful as you and I'm so glad he is supporting and loving you through all of this. I'm sending huge hugs. Thank you again x